What do all of you in sexless marriages do for sex?

[Snowsix]

For me.... Finding myself here. She lost interest she also has a totally opposite outlook on things then I do. I try to be positive along with taking care of myself health wise so that makes me "vain".

We did raise three amazing children. Somewhere in there is the women I feel in love with underneath the years of negativity.

So here is where I come for a break

I feel badly for you, truly.

I just can't process someone who loves someone else, and decides for both of them that sex is no longer part of their relationship.

 

[Britva415]

Again, just speaking for myself, I won't ever remain in a sexless relationship.

No doubt.

And... People probably never expect that theirs will become sexless. Not even the other person (the "becoming asexual" one). However, because it does have the strong potential to destroy a relationship and any good will present in it, it's probably worth it to have at least some kind of a conversation about it before committing.

It's super complicated because a person who loses interest in sex later in the relationship usually is either not aware or is in denial about the potential for that to happen, and so, they're not going to just come out and say they expect to have no sex later. However, talking about it at least gives both sides the opportunity to say what their attitudes are about if such a thing were to happen, and to acknowledge that it happens a lot. If one person feels the need to show that they take that very seriously, they get the chance to see how seriously the other person takes it.

What you said to me, a stranger on the internet, is very worth saying out loud to a potential life partner before committing. My wife and I had this conversation after we got married. It wasn't long after, but I liked what I heard. She didn't say she anticipated losing interest in sex, herself, but she did say that if that happened to a couple, it was unfair, which I thought was a healthy perspective. And she heard me clearly say that that wouldn't work for me.

At the time we didn't talk about, okay, well, what do they do then? Instead what happened was that years later she did lose interest in sex. Not all at once, but it did reach the zero point. And that was when we worked on figuring out, okay, well, what do we do then. (Answer [for us]: Ethical nonmonogamy.)

This really can go both ways. I know other couples in similar circumstances. To address your original post I responded to: It's not always the woman. Sometimes the man is the one who loses interest in sex. And the other thing is - you used the word "withholding," which I couldn't tell whether you meant, like, it's deliberate for manipulative purposes, or, a more neutral sense such that they're just not available for sex because of their own reasons, which have nothing to do with manipulating the partner.

From the many, many posters in this particular thread, in others on the same subject here on Lit, and in other places where I come to know of a couple's sexless situation, I don't really get the sense that it's manipulative withholding. It's just a sexuality mismatch. It could be libido in some cases. It could be a physical or physiological matter in some cases. It could be sexual orientation in some cases (asexuality is a sexual orientation, and many asexuals don't discover that and come out until they've been married a long time.) But a real sexless relationship looks very different from one where the withholding of sex is used as a tool.

And this can happen to anyone. Sometimes one partner may already have a suspicion that their own sexuality doesn't match what the partner might want over the long term. I think that more often, the couple will never see it coming, until it's too late. They're both good reasons to at least establish at the beginning, "well, what if?"

 

[Britva415]

We did raise three amazing children. Somewhere in there is the women I feel in love with underneath the years of negativity.

Interesting. First of all, my heart is broken for you. You don't have the marriage you thought you would have.

Secondly: How does that negativity affect your children? Does it only affect you and not them? Do you work to hide it from them? Does it in fact affect them?

I'm not calling your marriage unhappy and loveless, I don't know. I do personally strongly feel that an unhappy and loveless couple does their children disservice by remaining together and unhappy.

Children are molded, shaped by what's demonstrated in their homes growing up. I know people who say that their parents should have split up because they weren't happy together. I know people who have split up because they didn't want their children to grow up with that. People can't fake a happy marriage. It doesn't fool the children. Then they grow up without a model of a loving relationship.

Not judging you, just asking.

 

[Snowsix]

No doubt.

And... People probably never expect that theirs will become sexless. Not even the other person (the "becoming asexual" one). However, because it does have the strong potential to destroy a relationship and any good will present in it, it's probably worth it to have at least some kind of a conversation about it before committing.

It's super complicated because a person who loses interest in sex later in the relationship usually is either not aware or is in denial about the potential for that to happen, and so, they're not going to just come out and say they expect to have no sex later. However, talking about it at least gives both sides the opportunity to say what their attitudes are about if such a thing were to happen, and to acknowledge that it happens a lot. If one person feels the need to show that they take that very seriously, they get the chance to see how seriously the other person takes it.

What you said to me, a stranger on the internet, is very worth saying out loud to a potential life partner before committing. My wife and I had this conversation after we got married. It wasn't long after, but I liked what I heard. She didn't say she anticipated losing interest in sex, herself, but she did say that if that happened to a couple, it was unfair, which I thought was a healthy perspective. And she heard me clearly say that that wouldn't work for me.

I can put it this way, if I suddenly said to my guy 'not tonight' and that turned into 'not this week' and then 'not this month' then I would expect him to say 'Hey, lets talk' and there would be a change in things after that. I'd change, or we'd change and that would likely be him moving on. I would expect him to, and if he didn't I'd wonder why.

I would expect any man not getting sex in a relationship to respond similarly, but as has been explained, with marriage it's more complicated.

But is it?

I can't get past the betrayal something like that must cause. If a couple can remain in love, in spite of something like that, then why not simply end the marriage, and remain friends that love each other very much, so that the person who doesn't want sex can still have that love<?> and allow the other to pursue new sexual experiences.

To answer your question about withholding, I meant that in a non-manipulative way, but I still meant withholding.

To be fair, I'd feel the same way if any of the other things I need in a relationship suddenly, or gradually disappeared. If half of the couple stops feeling loved, or like they've lost their friend, then the same conclusion applies (for me.) and that means it's time to move on.

 

[Britva415]

I still meant withholding

Yeah, it's just hard to hear that without it sounding manipulative. Or - even if that isn't what's intended, there's still an unfortunate and probably unintended connotation of saying that.

Look at it from the other person's side: If someone had reasons for not wanting sex, or no reason at all, if they just don't want it, then, of course they're free to not have sex. Right? Telling them they're "withholding" it makes it sound like they don't have that right and they owe someone sex.

Pretty gross, yeah?

I mean, I'm on your side. They don't owe you sex, and you don't owe them a marriage.

 

[Blueeyes4u100]

Interesting. First of all, my heart is broken for you. You don't have the marriage you thought you would have.

Secondly: How does that negativity affect your children? Does it only affect you and not them? Do you work to hide it from them? Does it in fact affect them?

I'm not calling your marriage unhappy and loveless, I don't know. I do personally strongly feel that an unhappy and loveless couple does their children disservice by remaining together and unhappy.

Children are molded, shaped by what's demonstrated in their homes growing up. I know people who say that their parents should have split up because they weren't happy together. I know people who have split up because they didn't want their children to grow up with that. People can't fake a happy marriage. It doesn't fool the children. Then they grow up without a model of a loving relationship.

Not judging you, just asking.

Most of the issues came to light once the children were grown. In my opinion, I've they left we realized they were what we both focused on. Now there are gone on their own and we realize the glue is gone. I am sure as adults they can sense some tension between us.

The one thing we both agree on, which really is not to many things, is that our children have grown into good adults

Thank you for your comments on my initial post

 

[subbyclarajane]

Many have all already posted that they have sexless marriages ( and I do sincerely hate that anyone has to go through this) so no need to recant it all, what I want to know is what do all of you do for sex?​

​

I had a stretch like this for a couple years actually until my transition and divorce. I wrote a lot of romantic erotica and masturbated four or five times a day. Eventually I started sexting and getting strangers off, which is something I could use to get off later.

It’s about coping, right? And this is especially brutal when you’re hypersexual, which I suspect many people here are.

 

[bitslinger]

It’s about coping, right?

Yes, but coping is a double-edged sword. Our dead bedroom started out with two kids 18 months apart, which is probably no surprise to anyone. She wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I agreed. However, neither of us were prepared for her being touched-out at the end of the day with kids so close together. We were unprepared and coping without great communication skills.

For my part, at first I would still try to be intimate in what I considered non-sexual ways, but of course I still wanted sex and would be easily aroused. She felt that any time that I touched her, it was because I wanted and expected sex when she just needed time to recover from clinging kids. So, she'd avoid intimate contact of any kind and I'd just cope and take care of my sexual needs on my own. We weren't having confrontations about it and just kind of accepted it.

That is a death spiral, because eventually we both stopped trying and silently coped in our own ways and eventually coping became the norm. I thought that she was happy with the new status quo and I resented that. She resented feeling like the only time I really paid her any attention was to get sex. We weren't sexual partners at that point, for sure. Fortunately, we went to marriage counselling and had a counselor who was good at getting issues and feelings into the open in a fair way. My monogamous-but-adventurous sex life certainly wasn't a problem for my wife. I don't think she realized that masturbation was coping and saw it as a solution and not a problem.

To my wife's credit she knew that sex is an important part of a marriage and with some tools from our counselor we both started making more of an effort. We eventually got back to once and sometimes twice a week, but if we're not careful I can slip back into the habit of taking care of myself and we might end up going three weeks to a month because I keep taking the edge off.

I don't know where I'm going with this, other than to say that it takes a constant commitment and attention to keep sex simmering. I guess the take-away is life happens and coping creeps in over time, resentment comes with it on both sides in different forms, and if we're not growing closer together then we're growing apart. I'm certainly fortunate to have a life partner who cares enough to try and keep sex alive, even if the frequency is not ideal for me.

 

[RachelWalsh]

Ummmm. You're basically looking at it. Sadly

 

[van_delay]

Ummmm. You're basically looking at it. Sadly

Ditto

 

[RachelWalsh]

Ditto

Yeah. But what we gonna do? Lol

 

[van_delay]

Yeah. But what we gonna do? Lol

I'm doing some self care

 

[RachelWalsh]

I'm doing some self care

Mmmmm. I like

 

[LR42]

Mmmmm. I like

it's the only way.....well....kind of...without involving another completely....

 

[maveric74]

Many have all already posted that they have sexless marriages ( and I do sincerely hate that anyone has to go through this) so no need to recant it all, what I want to know is what do all of you do for sex?​

​

Browse Literotica. Adult chat. Have met a couple of women IRL for small periods of time and I was able to fuck both of them and it was amazing. Watch porn and jerk off. Marital sex is so far from ever being on the cards I've given up any hope

 

[lmc89]

What do I do in a sexless marriage other than get grumpy. Try to stay positive and that all things will pass, porn, chat, jerk off at any chance.

It is difficult with a young family, 2 careers and an imbalance in sex drives.

It all got too much around 18 months ago and I got with someone else, it released pressure and made me feel human for a short while but had now left a void.

Would consider couples counselling

 

[TemptationTango]

I can certainly understand if there's a situation that temporarily impacts sex, but to have someone that supposedly loves me decide they aren't interested in sex, permanently... would queue the lawyers..

Is it similarly sometimes okay to stay in a loveless marriage?

I know this all reads far too black and white for real life, but this is how I feel about the subject.

What if life/health "decides" for your spouse? A decade ago my wife went thru menopause which completely stripped her hormones.....all of them. From that day forward, it has been a emotional battle for both of us. She simply has zero interest in sex, and if we push it she has pain. Hormone therapy did not really help, and again, it was the lack of interest that undermined it.
The bigger loss besides sex was our intimacy. Touch, kiss, hugs, all faded away making me feel like an animal in a cage. On the the other hand, our relationship is good. We still love each other, we still get along and make a good team....do I throw that 20 years away? Would you walk away? I chose not too, and an opportunity here on Lit gave be back my intimacy and my manhood through a FWB.
I know I get judged for that....so be it.

 

[HampshireBoy]

I can put it this way, if I suddenly said to my guy 'not tonight' and that turned into 'not this week' and then 'not this month' then I would expect him to say 'Hey, lets talk' and there would be a change in things after that. I'd change, or we'd change and that would likely be him moving on. I would expect him to, and if he didn't I'd wonder why.

I would expect any man not getting sex in a relationship to respond similarly, but as has been explained, with marriage it's more complicated.

But is it?
<snip>

With my first wife, she fell out of love and started holding back on sex to try and get her own way - just one of reasons that she is an ex (I could list plenty more lol).

With my current wife, we are both still very much in love. But, as she has said, she never expected to lose all interest in sex post menopause - in fact a few years after her last period and we thought she was well out the other side. It doesn't help that her medical problems mean that she gets very tired, and she has vaginal dryness. There is no way that I'm ending the marriage or looking elsewhere as we have a very happy marriage in all other aspects, just the one issue which she recognises and does try on occasion. But it is very hard going from several times a week to once every few months.

 

[Snowsix]

With my current wife, we are both still very much in love. But, as she has said, she never expected to lose all interest in sex post menopause - in fact a few years after her last period and we thought she was well out the other side. It doesn't help that her medical problems mean that she gets very tired, and she has vaginal dryness. There is no way that I'm ending the marriage or looking elsewhere as we have a very happy marriage in all other aspects, just the one issue which she recognises and does try on occasion. But it is very hard going from several times a week to once every few months.

That has to be very difficult.

I'm trying to place myself in a situation where the significant other simply decides that 'I'm just not interested anymore, and so that means you don't get this part of our relationship that you have always enjoyed.' and imagining how I would respond to that.

The menopause thing, that's complex right? I understand the logic of 'I love this person too much to end it, especially when it's not something they have any control over.', but if that other person in the relationship may very well not be okay with facing the remainder of their life without some part of the relationship they very much enjoyed.

'Get a girlfriend/boyfriend on the side.' <- To me, that's just such a harsh solution (although, I'm fully aware there are a large number of Lit users that would celebrate that option, lol) to a difficult problem.

I'll change my opinion here:

If it's medical/hormonal, that is something that the person doesn't have much control over if medical options haven't helped, but if it's just a partner that 'doesn't want sex anymore, go get a boyfriend/girlfriend if you want.' then thats a relationship ending decision.

 

[Snowsix]

What if life/health "decides" for your spouse? A decade ago my wife went thru menopause which completely stripped her hormones.....all of them. From that day forward, it has been a emotional battle for both of us. She simply has zero interest in sex, and if we push it she has pain. Hormone therapy did not really help, and again, it was the lack of interest that undermined it.
The bigger loss besides sex was our intimacy. Touch, kiss, hugs, all faded away making me feel like an animal in a cage. On the the other hand, our relationship is good. We still love each other, we still get along and make a good team....do I throw that 20 years away? Would you walk away? I chose not too, and an opportunity here on Lit gave be back my intimacy and my manhood through a FWB.
I know I get judged for that....so be it.

It's got to be difficult. I honestly can't imagine the reality of that, so I can't offer an opinion.

I think it's totally different if the spouse simply isn't interested anymore, and there's no medical condition that is causing that.

 

[TheEternalBeachBum]

Some posters in this thread seem astonished that a sexless marriage can exist at all, let alone be healthy otherwise.

I’d suggest reading up on the concept of asexuality. Many things made sense to me once I understood that this is a real thing in some people, also that it’s not a yes/no proposition, that it exists in degrees.

As for the question of what does one do for sex?…. I’ve tried most everything.

 

[Britva415]

Would consider couples counselling

Would you consider initiating that? Or are you saying, like, only if the other person does?

 

[heynow_33]

Jerk off a lot (especially with someone else on the chat here), occasionally visit adult bookstores, had a few hookups with people I met online.

 

[Iwillgo]

Look for a fwb.

 

[lmc89]

Would you consider initiating that? Or are you saying, like, only if the other person does?

Will probably suggest it next year, can’t go through life unsatisfied/miserable