Thoughts on monogamy in today's world?

[jehoram]

I’ve always been monogamous. The thought of sharing my partner or having him share me. Honestly makes me feel uncomfortable and queasy. What’s attractive to me is the fact that my man only wants me. Our chemistry is unmatchable, our passion for each other burns brighter than the sun, our loyalty to each other is rare. I just want to marry my man and stay married. When I’m in love and committed I don’t stray away. I will follow him until the end of time because he has my heart and he holds it just right.

So you're in a happy place now. A lot of couples feel the same as you do about having a tight bond with your spouse, but that doesn't prevent them from "straying" once in a while, to introduce some sexual diversity to their lives. I remember reading about an interview with the wife of Gene Fowler, a man who often had extra-marital affairs. When asked if those affairs bothered her, she said that it didn't, because whenever he strayed, he always came back to her.

 

[IttyBittyLulu]

So you're in a happy place now. A lot of couples feel the same as you do about having a tight bond with your spouse, but that doesn't prevent them from "straying" once in a while, to introduce some sexual diversity to their lives. I remember reading about an interview with the wife of Gene Fowler, a man who often had extra-marital affairs. When asked if those affairs bothered her, she said that it didn't, because whenever he strayed, he always came back to her.

Wonderful for them but that has nothing to do with my lover and I. Cheating is not apart of our character. Some people are really just that devoted to each other where all they want is their spouse. I've found my person. We know what we have and the conversations we share. At the end of the day his words are all that matters to me.

 

[MaggieTheUnicorn]

I'm not a big fan of monogamy myself, and one of the main reasons is because people are complex. I don't think it's realistic to expect one person to be able to meet all of one other person's diverse needs in a relationship.

Curiosity is part of human nature and it is normal and healthy to want to explore new things. What isn't healthy is the self denial and shame that can occur instead of exploration in monogamous relationships. Too many people repress themselves to fit a certain mould and do things how they are "supposed to", or to make a relationship work, but repression can lead to lashing out and poor coping mechanisms.

I think there are too many monogamous marriages that end up sexless, with partners seeking satisfaction in secret and a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic. It makes me sad that those people can't connect, but also begs the question of what else aren't they talking about in their relationship? What other feelings have been left unsaid, festering? It is hard to talk about, of course, but hard things are usually worth talking about.

In a polyamorous relationship where desires, wants, and needs are openly discussed, there's a lot less room for things left unsaid. Less wanting and wondering and more doing something about it. Plus, it can be fun to talk about.

Here's a word that will be new to some: compersion. It's like the opposite of jealousy. It's feeling good because someone else feels good, and it's part of the satisfaction that people can receive as part of an open or polyamorous situation. If there is trust and honesty, it feels good to know your partner is feeling good, even if you're not the one providing the good time.

On a more personal note, I also have the thought of hey, I have a lot of love to give, why on earth should I hold back from loving more than one person? I wouldn't want to deny myself or others a deep connection just because of a societal norm.

 

[cubbyfire04]

I'm not a big fan of monogamy myself, and one of the main reasons is because people are complex. I don't think it's realistic to expect one person to be able to meet all of one other person's diverse needs in a relationship.

Curiosity is part of human nature and it is normal and healthy to want to explore new things. What isn't healthy is the self denial and shame that can occur instead of exploration in monogamous relationships. Too many people repress themselves to fit a certain mould and do things how they are "supposed to", or to make a relationship work, but repression can lead to lashing out and poor coping mechanisms.

I think there are too many monogamous marriages that end up sexless, with partners seeking satisfaction in secret and a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic. It makes me sad that those people can't connect, but also begs the question of what else aren't they talking about in their relationship? What other feelings have been left unsaid, festering? It is hard to talk about, of course, but hard things are usually worth talking about.

In a polyamorous relationship where desires, wants, and needs are openly discussed, there's a lot less room for things left unsaid. Less wanting and wondering and more doing something about it. Plus, it can be fun to talk about.

Here's a word that will be new to some: compersion. It's like the opposite of jealousy. It's feeling good because someone else feels good, and it's part of the satisfaction that people can receive as part of an open or polyamorous situation. If there is trust and honesty, it feels good to know your partner is feeling good, even if you're not the one providing the good time.

On a more personal note, I also have the thought of hey, I have a lot of love to give, why on earth should I hold back from loving more than one person? I wouldn't want to deny myself or others a deep connection just because of a societal norm.

Well said... My first marriage was open. That had nothing to do with our inevitable divorce. In fact, it probably kept us together longer because of the emotional connection we made thru it.

Now, happily remarried, we also practice consensual non-monogamy (after a LOT of consideration due to my past experience)... However, we are now far more involved in one another's relationships outside our marriage. In fact, we are considering a polyamorous relationship with a man I've regularly had a casual arrangement with for years, and she has since become dear friends and sexual partners with.

I love the bit you speak about on compersion. It isn't for everyone, but if you're open to that idea, it can add an entirely new source of strength and joy to a partnership.

 

[Athalia]

This is another one of those issues that make you wonder whether people have bad reactions to the behavior because they think it fundamentally wrong in some way, resulting in harm, or whether the harm is due to society's mores being so rigid.

There are still people who are against interracial relationships on the grounds that such things are morally repugnant, and want to repeal the laws that sanction them. The rest of us see marriages like that all the time, either lasting or dissolving at the same rate that same-race marriages do. We'll see the same fallout from the legalization of gay marriage.

In another thread on this site, since closed down, somebody said that "May-December" relationships were wrong because there was too much disparity between the ages of the participants. In that same thread, it was suggested that it was impossible for incest to every result in a happy, productive relationship because of the inherent child-parent dynamic. I both cases, there were people on either side of the discussion, each making what they thought were valid points.

Who am I to judge the validity of these points? Some were backed with studies of various sorts, but I suspected that most of those studies were undertaken with a predetermined premise that they were trying to validate. The range of behavior is wide enough so that you can cite any number of relationships that went off the rails for any number of reasons.

And, of course, we are writing fiction, which we set in a world of our own making, with our own ideals. When I see people translating this world into a reality of their own, I rejoice.

 

[jehoram]

Who am I to judge the validity of these points? Some were backed with studies of various sorts, but I suspected that most of those studies were undertaken with a predetermined premise that they were trying to validate. The range of behavior is wide enough so that you can cite any number of relationships that went off the rails for any number of reasons.

And that is a big factor. Peer-reviewed studies using thousands of subjects are pretty hard to come by. I remember that before gay marriage was legalized throughout the US, a proposal was made for it to happen in Hawai'i. There was an allegation, raised by people fighting the measure, that children raised in gay marriages were somehow unable to be raised properly. But when the judge asked for documentation for that allegation, not a single one could be found. And there were plenty of studies that proved otherwise.

And, of course, we are writing fiction, which we set in a world of our own making, with our own ideals. When I see people translating this world into a reality of their own, I rejoice.

Well, that depends on what that reality is, I guess. I've read enough dystopian stuff to get down on my knees and pray that it never bleeds into real life.

 

[lc69hunter]

Monogamy is still the dominant paradigm, even here on literotica. Just look at the insane rage posted in LW any thing that smells of cheating, sharing, cuckolding or anything that resembles it,even in fantasy

 

[lc69hunter]

Speaking of monogamy, yesterday I just got ripped by a woman in another thread that brought up the topic of confronting a cheating girlfriend or her lover, when I stated that, in a strong marriage, a random one-off is not a threat to me, her, or the marriage.

She then went on a rant and basically told me I had the morals of an alley cat, and that there is no justification for sex outside the relationship

 

[MaggieTheUnicorn]

Speaking of monogamy, yesterday I just got ripped by a woman in another thread that brought up the topic of confronting a cheating girlfriend or her lover, when I stated that, in a strong marriage, a random one-off is not a threat to me, her, or the marriage.

She then went on a rant and basically told me I had the morals of an alley cat, and that there is no justification for sex outside the relationship

Cheating can happen in a polyamorous relationship just as in a monogamous relationship. Every relationship has rules and boundaries, and cheating is still cheating in a poly relationship. A random one-off that is within the established boundaries is not cheating - it's when it happens accompanied by sneaking around and/or lying that it becomes problematic behaviour.

If sex with other people is within the parameters of a relationship, with informed consent all around, there is nothing wrong with that. That person seems to have a rather one-dimensional view of what a relationship is - it reminds me of the old "guys and girls can't be just friends" type of thinking.

 

[Athalia]

If a man is promiscuous, he's "sowing his wild oats." Or he's a real "lady's man."

If a woman is promiscuous, she's a "slut" or a "harlot."

The English language has a distinct misogynous bent, which reflects our society.

 

[MaggieTheUnicorn]

If a man is promiscuous, he's "sowing his wild oats." Or he's a real "lady's man."

If a woman is promiscuous, she's a "slut" or a "harlot."

The English language has a distinct misogynous bent, which reflects our society.

Counter-point: some of these words have been reclaimed. There are women who call their fellow women sluts in an empowering and friendly manner. How we use words can change their very definition. Dictionary definitions get rewritten as language changes over time. There is hope!

 

[TalkToMeInSB]

I even go so far as describing myself as a serial monogamist (Department of Redundancy Department?!) Decided upon this while I was dating in that I didn't feel comfortable dating multiple women at the same time. And by dating I mean those first couple of dates where you're deciding if you truly want to move forward with them. Once I commit though, I'm all in!

 

[marriedbigrl]

I think it's sad that this is a topic at all. If people don't think a monogamy is for them, great! If someone else thinks monogamy is what they want or need great! But those people need to be honest with each other from the beginning and shouldn't be together for more than a one night stand, because they are looking for different things. If you agreed to an exclusive relationship, you can't change your mind and expect your partner to be OK with it. And if you agreed to an open relationship, the same goes. Unfortunately there are two problems. Monogamy works great for millions and millions of people. Just because you don't find it realistic for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for others, and the same goes the other way.

In the end, let people live life the way they want as long as they aren't hurting someone.

 

[Hipshot1554]

Thanks to everyone who posted. I honestly, didn't think this would last this long.

Over the years that I've been on Lit. I've read where many, men and women, would step over the line under the right circumstances. That is why I decided to post the question.

 

[Littletoo]

This seems to be a viable topic that I've seen mentioned in passing on a few threads. I wanted to open a discussion and see what opinions you all may have.

I have come to believe it is something that came about through necessity. Given the divorce rate is now above 75%, is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

I don't think I will ever marry. But if I do, I will keep him so drained of cum that he literally won't have anything to give anyone else. This is what I call "natural monogamy"

 

[Britva415]

it’s not so much the behavior that ends relationships as the mismatched feelings about what is or isn’t ok.

Really?

A relationship which ends over these mismatched feelings alone is far less common than a relationship which ends over the behavior resulting from one partner's feelings, which is behavior that's not ok with the other partner's feelings because they're mismatched.

This isn't an idle chicken-versus-egg scenario. One of them is about ending it before creating wreckage, the other is about the wreckage, and unfortunately most relationships which end over this particular mismatch don't end without the wreckage.

Reliable data source: "Never heard of it, so..."

 

[Athalia]

I have come to believe it is something that came about through necessity. Given the divorce rate is now above 75%, is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

Well, there are countless examples of a first marriage breaking up, or even a second marriage, but the next one lasts a lifetime. Very rarely is the first attempt at anything successful. But we learn from the experience, and move on.

Really?

A relationship which ends over these mismatched feelings alone is far less common than a relationship which ends over the behavior resulting from one partner's feelings, which is behavior that's not ok with the other partner's feelings because they're mismatched.

But people change over the course of a lifetime and the course of a marriage, resulting in them no longer believing in what they believed before. They were not mis-matched before, but they are now. If they had both died young, their marriage would have been considered a happy one. Libidos have yet to die, parenthood has yet to exert pressures on their lives.

And many people don't realize (or admit) that there's a homosexual component to their sexuality until they're in their fifties and sixties and, when the pressures of presenting themselves as a perfect couple lessen in intensity, these proclivities now find fertile ground.

(And, no, this doesn't contradict what I just said before. People are different. Some find the need to accommodate a change in their personality, and others have no need to do so so because they're happy with what they've got.)

 

[eric_erosfan]

I think the 75% figure is a little high. I think the people that last the longest are those that realize that marriage is not the same as dating. If you have not gotten casual sex out of your system why bother getting married?

 

[AchtungNight]

I just want some sex, damn it. And if I have to commit to something else you demand to keep getting it, fine. Just be sure to help me help you maintain that necessary illusion. Otherwise you’ll be just as bad as the woman I still love several years later who ended our satisfying relationship but not our friendship and left me with naught but frustrated sighs.

I’m cupertic. I can smile at a celebrity or fictional couple’s happiness if they are happy. At the end of the day I am grateful when I get such happiness too. If jealousy’s keeping me from that, or some other issue, give me the chance to resolve it. That’s all I ask. My multi year marriage ended through no fault of my own, no cheating involved. She just decided to move on and be like Taylor Swift or some other serial dater with nothing lasting. Terrible, but I had to accept it. I hope the next relationship I have will be more fulfilling.

If not, c’est la vie.

 

[littlecordelera]

To quote Chris Rock, "A man is as faithful as his options."

 

[greengamegirl]

This seems to be a viable topic that I've seen mentioned in passing on a few threads. I wanted to open a discussion and see what opinions you all may have.

I have come to believe it is something that came about through necessity. Given the divorce rate is now above 75%, is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

Divorce has less to do with cheating and more to do with perceived mistreatment by a partner.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I'm not a big fan of monogamy myself, and one of the main reasons is because people are complex. I don't think it's realistic to expect one person to be able to meet all of one other person's diverse needs in a relationship.

Curiosity is part of human nature and it is normal and healthy to want to explore new things. What isn't healthy is the self denial and shame that can occur instead of exploration in monogamous relationships. Too many people repress themselves to fit a certain mould and do things how they are "supposed to", or to make a relationship work, but repression can lead to lashing out and poor coping mechanisms.

I think there are too many monogamous marriages that end up sexless, with partners seeking satisfaction in secret and a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic. It makes me sad that those people can't connect, but also begs the question of what else aren't they talking about in their relationship? What other feelings have been left unsaid, festering? It is hard to talk about, of course, but hard things are usually worth talking about.

In a polyamorous relationship where desires, wants, and needs are openly discussed, there's a lot less room for things left unsaid. Less wanting and wondering and more doing something about it. Plus, it can be fun to talk about.

Here's a word that will be new to some: compersion. It's like the opposite of jealousy. It's feeling good because someone else feels good, and it's part of the satisfaction that people can receive as part of an open or polyamorous situation. If there is trust and honesty, it feels good to know your partner is feeling good, even if you're not the one providing the good time.

On a more personal note, I also have the thought of hey, I have a lot of love to give, why on earth should I hold back from loving more than one person? I wouldn't want to deny myself or others a deep connection just because of a societal norm.

Maggie,

If I gave your thoughts to my best friend, lover, and Master, he would swear I wrote it. You and I are in 100% agreement.
My spouse, always a crossdresser, recently decided to transition MtoF. Try as I may, I have no lesbian leanings.
We met in grade 9 of HS, dated our senior year and had 34 years of mostly happy marriage.
I requested an open marriage so I could enjoy PIV sex and was met with judgment and hostility. My spouse cannot condone my "lifestyle choices" and believes I "broke my marriage vows".

In my case, I have limited life options, remain with my spouse in an asexual marriage, leave my spouse to enjoy an ENM or open lifestyle, or remain with someone I am not at attracted to and attempt a secretive life of cheating.

Only one option is palatable to me.

 

[Hipshot1554]

Divorce has less to do with cheating and more to do with perceived mistreatment by a partner.

Mistreatment can take many forms, and I agree.

 

[Britva415]

I don't think there are many people who don't consider cheating to be mistreatment.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Maggie,

If I gave your thoughts to my best friend, lover, and Master, he would swear I wrote it. You and I are in 100% agreement.
My spouse, always a crossdresser, recently decided to transition MtoF. Try as I may, I have no lesbian leanings.
We met in grade 9 of HS, dated our senior year and had 34 years of mostly happy marriage.
I requested an open marriage so I could enjoy PIV sex and was met with judgment and hostility. My spouse cannot condone my "lifestyle choices" and believes I "broke my marriage vows".

In my case, I have limited life options, remain with my spouse in an asexual marriage, leave my spouse to enjoy an ENM or open lifestyle, or remain with someone I am not at attracted to and attempt a secretive life of cheating.

Only one option is palatable to me.

I am very sorry that happened to you. His transition changes the nature of your marriage completely. For him to expect you to just keep on as if nothing had changed is incredibly selfish and narrow-minded. I cannot offer advice, but you have my sympathy.