The word 'AND.'

[pink_silk_glove]

I agree with your own assessment. Although it's a run-on, it's a purposeful run-on, and I see what you are trying to do. But the problem is that long phrase that starts "past" and ends "rhythm." The problem for the reader is I have to recall what happened before "past" to make sense of "into a." It's a stumbling block. I think you'd be better off sticking a period after "rhythm" and follow it with something like "They ducked into"

Thanks for the feedback. I hope that I don't end up having to break the sentence, but I think your analysis as to why it feels wrong is a very good one. I'll keep working on it.

I like this one. It feels like one of those "one long shot" scenes in a movie where the camera follows somebody through several rooms.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.

It's that third image that gets difficult. It's much longer than any of the others and until we get to "into a narrow hallway" there's nothing to tell me "that image is done, you can let go of the details now", so it ends up being a bit too much to keep in working memory. I can see why you'd want to keep the DJ and the MC together, since they're part of the same act, but I think for the sake of flow it might be the lesser of evils to separate them.

Yes, I've now taken that list comma out at the beginning (not sure why I put it in in the first place as I often don't use list commas because for me commas are really used for subordinate clauses and genuine pauses) and it's working better.

I think Branblethorn's analysis and suggestions are spot on. I would only add that the transition from the main bar room into the washroom hallway would involve a big change in the sensory environment since it involves going from the main room where all the action is unto a more confined space. You might try to convey this change a bit more vividly.

I still need to fix that trouble spot at the end after 'rhythm', I think that I'll try adding 'then' or 'next' or something.

Thanks for the input everyone. It's getting my brain unstuck on this.

 

[Mogrem]

Make like Philip Marlowe. Snappy sentences. Terse dialogue. Brevity. You can almost taste the five stars rolling in. But every now and then, sparingly, you've surprised your readers by letting a scene run on and on as one long sentence like a single take in an action scene and they start to speed up as they read and they're sinking into it more and more and a bit at the back of their mind is making a mental note to buy your paperback collection and you're going to be so rich and famous and your English teacher will have to eat their hat when they find out and then--- A shot rings out.

Just trying to join in.

 

[Zootonius]

The title of this thread put Macbeth's Soliloquy in my head!

 

[KeithD]

It's a religious thread: ANDy walks with me, ANDy talks with me . . .

 

[ronde]

I agree. MOST of the time I do this, I get the same result you do: crisper, cleaner writing.

A good general "rule" is that style rules aren't rules but guidelines. But (notice I'm starting a sentence with "but"--yes, this is perfectly OK) I think the following are useful guidelines for punctuation and prose style:

1. Economy is generally good. Fewer words are generally better than more. If you have no particularly good reason to combine two sentences into one, don't.
2. That said, mixing it up is a good idea. Mix short sentences with longer ones. Mix up the sentence structure. Sometimes, start with the noun subject, and sometimes start with an introductory clause.
3. Most of the time, DO NOT combine two independent clauses with a comma but no conjunction. Example: She entered the house, he wasn't there. Better: She entered the house, and he wasn't there. Or: She entered the house. He wasn't there. Or: She entered the house; he wasn't there. Combining independent clauses (meaning, clauses that can stand alone as sentences) with no conjunction but just a comma is called a comma splice and it's bad style most of the time.
4. Keep it simple with your punctuation. Don't overuse dashes and semicolons. Periods are your friend.
5. Punctuate your dialogue correctly! There are only a few rules to learn. Learn them! Follow them.

Just forget about the semicolon key on the keyboard. If the clause works with a semicolon, it will work with just as well with a period.

Oh, and one other thing about punctuation. A single exclamation point (!) is more than sufficient to indicate surprise, shock, or other emotion that would raise the speaker's voice. Don't write, "What!!!!!!!!!!!!." The extra exclamation points just distract me from what I'm reading.

 

[KeithD]

Just forget about the semicolon key on the keyboard. If the clause works with a semicolon, it will work with just as well with a period.

There is a "necessary" function for the semicolon: for a multilevel series. (I don't give up on i's use to link closely related short sentences, either. Never say never.)

Sadie, in red; trixie, in white; and Avis, in blue, brought the reason for the parade into focus.

 

[mildlyaroused]

Just forget about the semicolon key on the keyboard. If the clause works with a semicolon, it will work with just as well with a period.

I don't know about that.

It's true that a lot of new writers love the semicolon. It makes them feel dignified and pretentious, which is fun. But some masterful writers love it too. The truth lies, as it always seems to, in moderation.

There is a fundamental difference in using a semicolon instead of a period, and that lies in the rhythm of prose. A semicolon is different to a period. It reads differently. Definitely don't forget the semicolon key exists.

There's no hard and fast rule; it comes down to the rhythm an author wants to build.

There's no hard and fast rule. It comes down to the rhythm an author wants to build.

I like to put conjunctions after semicolons most of the time to make things smoother.

My pet peeve is a semicolon before a list. This one is a plague on the internet. Use a full colon, always. Semicolons can separate listed things but they do not ever introduce them.

 

[Bramblethorn]

There is a fundamental difference in using a semicolon instead of a period, and that lies in the rhythm of prose. A semicolon is different to a period. It reads differently. Definitely don't forget the semicolon key exists.

"A comma is a pause. Sentences breathe on a comma. A semicolon is a longer, deeper pause. Sentences TURN on a semicolon." - Seanan McGuire.

 

[nice90sguy]

A major rule for screenwriters is NOT to use "and", "then" but to replace them with commas. Terseness and avoiding padding the word-count are key in screenplays. So:

Replace
Alice looks at him, then walks to the door and locks it
with
Alice looks at him, walks to the door, locks it

 

[ElectricBlue]

A major rule for screenwriters is NOT to use "and", "then" but to replace them with commas. Terseness and avoiding padding the word-count are key in screenplays. So:

Replace
Alice looks at him, then walks to the door and locks it
with
Alice looks at him, walks to the door, locks it

But fiction isn't a screenplay - they're different mediums, really. Sure, that concise sentence structure might work in the right story, but not as a "General Rule."

 

[Duleigh]

I'm fully aware that one of my dastardly deeds is run on sentences. I'm noticing that more often than not, the culprit is the word 'and'.
I find if I remove it, replacing it with a period and a capitalization, my writing is cleaner and more crisp.

I am the top practitioner of the run-on sentence. (seriously, how often do you hear a dog bark once?) I really hate tiny sentences unless they're needed for punch. I like flowing script that eases from one to clause to another without harsh breaks. But now the fashion is to avoid the word AND and comma splices at all costs. Global Warming! The Coming Ice Age! The Middle East! Ignore them! The bane of the 21st century is COMMA SPLICES!!!

I had a reader get all over me because there were so many comma splices in a story. I responded, "I wrote that 20 years ago!" He said, "oh, ok."

I use an app called ProWritingAid to help with the bane of the 2020's and it does a pretty good job finding stuff like comma splices and missing quotation marks. Unfortunately it also offers suggestions on improving the wording of your project but its suggestions are bland and repetitious.

 

[nice90sguy]

But fiction isn't a screenplay - they're different mediums, really. Sure, that concise sentence structure might work in the right story, but not as a "General Rule."

No, I'm not recommending to follow those rules for fiction.