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After 30 minutes of grumpy silence...
me : I dislike being poked in the belly.
Him : Why?
me : my history of anoerexia means I am overly sensitive of things like that.
Him : I'm sorry, I forgot.
More grumpy silence, disappointed he forgot....
I have been pondering the nature of lies and why people do it, why people lie to the ones they love, especially complex and continuous lies.
When the lies are too obvious to ignore, I shut down and lose myself in my head, sometimes for hours but have been known to retreat for days at a time.
Silence, emptiness, hollowness prevails.
Maybe, by disappearing into my self imposed isolation, I am lying to myself about my relationship and my tolerance levels for the lies I am expected to believe.
*sighs*
Assuming he still reads this, I think you've already told him...?
I don't think lies are a good foundation for a relationship.
I was the lover of a man who wanted to believe that he was still the man he had been 10 years before, and I participated in his fantasy. And because we were operating in that realm of "fantasy," I ended up lying to him about certain aspects of my reality.
I lied because I knew that the truth would shatter the fantasy.
And my lies, though never discovered, caused me such discomfort, I actually got in a car accident after speaking to him once, because I was so unnerved.
And he was just a casual relationship.
In my primary relationship, I know when he is not telling me the whole truth. Often, because he doesn't want to experience my reaction to it.
And I have lied to him, usually by withholding information rather than outright falsities, in order to hide behavior of mine that I know he will not like. Behavior that I don't want to be told to stop.
If you want a relationship to last, I think you have to go into it with the intention of being honest. You'll still end up lying from time to time, but you'll be more willing to work through whatever challenges come up. We have discovered a much greater level of honesty with each other over time, in part because we were able to recognize that our fears of the other's reactions weren't clear indicators of what the other person would actually do.
And for me, it ultimately came down to a question of whether or not I was being honest with myself. Whether I even knew what "honesty" meant.
I had to discover what was true, before I could even begin to determine reliably what was a lie.
If you are aware of the lies, sera, why do feel that you have to believe them?
"You're a beautiful woman," he said.
That's the first time he's said that in 25 years.
And I can say without hesitation . . . you have to live it to be it.
It is possible to ponder beauty as a causal occurence. Without an observer, there is no beauty. Equally, without an observer that acknowledges, one does not feel beautiful.
It sure helps if you put on a dress and wash your hair.
I really need to do this. It reminds me of a nursing diagnosis: Self Care Deficit. If I had a nurse for me I am sure that would be written into the care plan. It's a shame.It sure helps if you put on a dress and wash your hair.
You rebel!
ES - You always leave me wanting more details!
I will say, in my defense, that while his concern was much appreciated and understood, the reason for his initial concern was a touch excessive. It wasn't my first rodeo, and it was handled quite well.
Did you tell him he shouldn't be concerned about your participation in a rodeo? What were you doing?