sui_generis_78
Virgin
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2014
- Posts
- 27
So here's my story and I'm stickin' to it!!!
I will be brutally honest in order to seek out the advice of individuals much wiser than I.
In 2001, I met my then-girlfriend, now-wife. At that time, I had originally just drank alcohol on occasion and smoked a lot of maryjane. The thing is, I was starting to get involved with cocaine, painkillers, hallucinogens and other hard-core types of drugs. At first, it wasn't too bad, for instance, I could buy an eight-ball of coke and keep it in the freezer for over one week and I was not constantly obsessing about it.
i came from a broken home, a history of manic-depression and my mother and I were involved in a fatal car accident. Around Grade 5, my mother was killed instantly and I was hospitalized for over one week. While I was lucky to be alive I did suffer quite a bit of post-traumatic stress and survivor's guilt.
Since i came from a broken home and my father signed away his rights to me when I was a toddler, I went to live with my grandparents. My grandfather had a heart condition and my grandmother had ovarian cancer and she succumbed to it April of the following year.
When my grandfather had a heart attack about six months into my on-again, off-again relationship with my then-girlfriend, now-wife, I went off the deep end. I had lots of money and far too much of it, I mean, a great deal of it went up my nose and down the hatch or into my lungs. She dabbled with me but never became addicted to any of it (except I managed to turn her into a major-league pothead).
We'd split up in February, 2003, got back together in March 2003 and then she got pregnant with my daughter in April 2003. That solidified everything as we had both always dreamed of having a kid or kids. Before we ever had sex, she gave me the caveat, "If I ever get pregnant, I am keeping it, whether or not you want to be a part of the baby's life, that's up to you."
When we met, she was 29 and I was about 22 years old. I know, I know... Freud would have had a field day.
Another female friend I had who lost her father at age 10 loved dating guys twice her age. I guess it's nothing surprising. I'm just lucky that I was never physically or sexually abused.
Anyhow, the only time I was a liar or a straight-up a-hole was when I was using, had been using, or telling lies relating to using/drinking. She tried sending me to rehab and she got me to dabble in twelve-stepping but I was not ready for all that.. Like smoking tobacco, you can't just "want" yourself to want to quit, you really need to WANT to QUIT!
She put up with my nonsense for years, but she remained faithful. There was an isolated incident of infidelity in 2007. Her high-school crush was on the outs with his wife and while I was away, out of state, visiting my father, she invited him over (Eddie) and proceeded to have sex wit him.
Around 2008, I went broke around the time of the financial crisis and was forced to get a job. Luckily, despite my shoddy resume, I got an interesting, decent job in the nonprofit sector with paid time off, healthcare, decent hourly wages plus ample opportunity for overtime!
I had also started taking medication for my newly-diagnosed manic-depression. My father had the same diagnosis. When I was up, I was up, acting impulsively, burning through large sums of cash, doing stupid crap, and when I was down, I could spend the whole day in bed, not tending to my hygiene and so on.
See, the medications calmed me down, but a little too much. I'm sure some of you must have had the experience of going on an anti-depressant or mood-stabilizing drug and your libido goes (sound effect: slide whistle going down), but the screwy part was, because I was prone to the occasional outburst and I was irritable and depressive (mainly situational---not as much biochemical as I had once thought), my girl and my psychiatrist at the time convinced me that the greater good was to stay on the medications. To paraphrase, in her words, "I'd rather have you be sane and less horny than more horny and nuts!"
She started with cam sites in 2011. That was my fault: I introduced her because we already watched porn together while we were intimate, I thought, to quote Emeril, it would "BAM! Kick it up a notch!!!"
Well, she found, unilaterally so, that in the world of cams, women who broadcast regularly of all ages, who aren't even necessarily deemed attractive by most people, can easily find themselves with dozens of viewers and more attention than they know what to do with.
She'd already told me way back when that she was an exhibitionist and secretly wanted to get caught by a variety of people, that is, with the exception of the kids! Despite the fact that's whence they came, they need not capture a visual image that it's going to take thousands of dollars and years in therapy to remedy.
Over the course of 2011, cam2cam sites morphed from a passing, on-again, off-again interest to an obsession, then, before you know it, she was on all the major-league hook-up sites, posting ads for an afternoon delight, meanwhile, that job I'd gotten a couple of years back really started to blow and when one clue lead to another and everything came unraveled. I had my suspicions that were eventually confirmed.
She'll be the first to tell you, she's a horrible liar and, to be fair, it's partially not her fault because she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis circa 2008. MS is an autoimmune disease where the immune system goes haywire and attacks the nervous system and lesions can develop on the brain; in her case she has short-term memory issues. She did absolutely NOTHING to deserve it! Who really does? It's not like a smoker who smokes for 40 years that gets lung cancer.
She's great with numbers and she can tell you vividly about an experience she had two decades ago but if you asked her what she had for breakfast, there's a chance she might not remember what it was or if she even had it. It's a really sad, sad condition and I suspect it might have been, in part, the impetus for serial infidelity. When chunks of my life are missing, alcohol and or sedatives (like Xanax) were likely involved.
So, I busted her when I found her ad on an adult site circa Christmas 2011 and she was "good" for a while. I was unemployed the first nine months of 2013 but once I landed a 40-hour-per-week gig, that's when she went off on her cheating frenzy. From Fall 2013 through Summer 2014, it wasn't just one guy, one time. It was multiple guys, some of whom she saw multiple times. She even ended up getting set up for a gangbang of sorts.
Yes, that's right, she met this guy (ironically who shared my name) that claimed he wanted an M-M-F type of arrangement, well, what happened was that the dude posted the address of the motel she was staying at and she ended up having a bunch of guys show up and she even admitted later on it was kind of hot.
Curiously, I was never quite clear on what happened to the original guy or if she had set it up herself and never had the courage to tell me she did so.
She guesstimates she might have been with between 20-25 guys, half maybe one-day/one-night stands, the other half 'repeat offenders'.
The real kick in the nads was that she didn't make the guys use condoms on a couple of occasions and she got pregnant by a teenage boy (barely of age, whom she barely knew---mind you---she's white, he's black, she's 43 and her doctor told her it was highly inadvisable to have another child---and a mixed-race child would make things that much more awkward for our less-than-open-minded relatives).
What's more, not for nothing, but my son turns nine next month. I really don't think anyone in this family is ready for another addition. Her MS medication could end up terminating the pregnancy in and of itself, long story short, she went to Planned Parenthood on the down low.
We've both since been tested for sexually-transmitted diseases and we got a clean bill of health.
I mean, THAT WAS JUST OVER THE TOP FOR ME!
If you're going to cheat on your husband, at least have the decency to make the guy wrap his shit up (in plain English)! Publicly, I am pro-choice although in my personal/family life I am pro-life unless of course there is rape/incest/danger to the mother's life involved.
Just my view but I respect others' right to decide what they want. I think it's pretty sad when people just use it as a routine form of birth control because I've known more than one woman who has lost her ability to conceive, ever, because of having had an abortion (let alone the God and Soul issue). No offense meant to anybody's views here. This is my own insight and I own it.
Finally, one night she got a text at 3:00 AM in the morning and I called shenanigans because I knew if it wasn't her mom, step-dad or someone in distress. It was one of her little boy-toy friends offline who was looking for a little phone sex or something of the sort.
BUSTED!!!
She routinely deleted all the text messages in her phone and her laptop had been password protected for quite some time and I bluffed and told her that I had a Linux boot disk that could break through any encryption and show me all the files. At first I thought maybe she had some "Dear Diary" action going on but it was something even more torrid: a photo fuck-journal.
In order to get her to confess, I parlayed the fact that I used to be an active user/drinker and I conjured up her hatred of my lies, betrayal and secrecy.
I told her, "I know you've been up to something, I am pretty confident you've been unfaithful, and if I have to find out everything on my own, as much as I'd hate to do it to you AND the kids... I will divorce you and in the end they, along with the rest of the world, can find out precisely why."
I'd already confessed my mistakes to the entire family and inadequacies and took it upon myself to get psychotherapy, go to twelve-step meetings and own my shit. Amidst all of that, here I am, trying to be a better man, and she's in her downward Caligula-esque spiral.
The irony is that she had this gay friend, who was actually a pretty cool guy, as her beard of sorts, for her not-so-innocent activities. I knew something was up and it was chewing at the very fabric of my soul... I just could not take it any longer!!!
I'd asked her repeatedly to come clean. I told her in no uncertain terms, "Let me be 1000% clear here, if there's something you're up to, just admit it now..." but she kept brushing me off until I had her cornered like a wounded animal.
I found out about three or maybe even four weeks ago that she had indeed been unfaithful and lied about it. After her confirmation of that fact, it took her almost a week to be honest about everything. First it was just a couple of guys, then six, then twenty or more. THAT is the SCOPE of what has transpired over the past year.
Then, last but not least, she confirmed my suspicion about nailing her high-school crush while I was out of state seven years back. It's almost as though, in my mind, I had this coming when I was a liar and a user... but why wait until I was proactively trying to change for the better!?
That just seems like an extra slap in the face! Why tell me to stay on my medications when I've told you they're curbing my libido dangerously low? Feels like a dirty trick of sorts although I tend to over analyze ALL the time!
She explained that she's essentially a nymphomaniac who is able to separate intercourse and foreplay from romantic and loving feelings. She loves me, cares deeply for me, wants to stay with me and raise our family whereas she simply enjoys getting boned by her various boy toys.
At this point, per her account, there are maybe 5-6 guys whose number she still has (and I checked her phone when she wasn't paying attention).
She also let me look into her secret AOL email address without disclosing the password. I might not know 100% of everything, but I surely know enough.
So her words, not mine, paraphrasing, "You're free to do whatever, or whomever, you want. I mean, if you really want to engage in straight-up monogamy until death do us part, be my guest, but as much as I love you, there is only so far sex with the same person, no matter how good it is, can get old after a while."
She had a point. I mean, I was and am great with knowing how to give her multiple orgasms, what she likes, dislikes and like the comedian Jeff Foxworthy put it, "after a while you just know the combination to your lover's safe."
Alas, she'd stumbled unto a truth I scarcely wanted to admit myself. I'd been curious about gettin' some strange for a while (in a former life I was rather promiscuous) but I was less inclined to pursue it because 1. I'd already earned enough mistrust for one lifetime with alcohol and substance abuse, I *did* love and no doubt *DO* love her and did not want to cross yet another line and 2. it was the one area where I could say, since the day I married, I'd been 100% faithful to my wife, to wit, it was a source of pride I guess.
She told me I was welcome to post an ad online or meet someone locally with the proviso that I did not become romantically involved. It was to be for sex only.
Unfortunately for me, on so many Adult Websites, women are mainly just looking for a hot young stud or a guy with money. I hardly fit the bill for either of those characters or types. What's more, I cannot drive for medical reasons so that really puts the kibosh on any type of rendezvous.
After grilling her, I learned she had been going to other men's homes, they'd been paying for hotel rooms, she'd invited them to our house when she knew nobody would be home for a few hours, or if all else failed, she'd fool around in the car.
I've since tried a few different sites and a few different angles and the number one thing that is KILLING IT for me is the fact that I am still married; I don't want to be a liar though. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say 95% of all women think this open-marriage thing is BS.
In fact, my wife is bisexual. She had dated a couple of women before she even knew me. She told me emphatically if I ever found a girl that swung both ways, I was welcome to make an introduction and we could have a three-way when the kids were at her mom's or sister's; nobody in my family can really take the kids as I'm an only child whose only living parent (my father) lives out of state.
My main fantasy, if I ever get my erotic story completed (I'm about 4.5 chapters in) is to meet a girl half my age. I'm 36 and I'd love to meet an intellectual young lady literally half my age. I do not want to fall in love. I do not want a commitment. I'd just like to enjoy one another's companionship and the sex that goes with it.
But I'll be damned if women just aren't having it---that is, women of any age, race or background. It's like I have a giant Scarlett "M" for "Married" affixed to my forehead because I'm unwilling to lie and say I am divorced or separated. Women, in my experience, lose interest when they hear one is in an open marriage.
I suppose I could juke my stats in my favor just enough to better the odds that things go my way, but I hate lying and hypocrisy. After all, it's what created this unmitigated, galumphing disaster from which we are now trying to recover.
The good thing is that I've sold my girl on total honesty. I told her that I do not expect her to meet anyone new, if we do that, we can meet a couple and swap or perhaps go to a sex club. She has one in mind that I, too, would like to try.
Other than that, there are a few men she's interested in seeing now and again (she just saw one today) and that's fine. I know there's NO WAY I can keep up with her libido. She'd have sex 3-5 times per day if she could. I could've kept up with her needs when I was 12 perhaps, but, that's two-thirds of my life ago when I was young, dumb and full of cum.
As for my end, I told her, "You've now forfeited all of your moral high-ground and your right to judge me. While I no longer drink alcohol, you, too, smoke the occasional joint or bowlpack and take the occasional sedative etc. so if I do the same, with the proviso that I'm not walking around the house half in a trance, the pot has no right to call the kettle black."
She agreed. We have now gotten into a position where neither of us has the right to micromanage each other's life (unless either of our actions are negatively affecting or endangering the welfare of our children).
We both came to an understanding on that one, Thank Goodness. Boy toys and/or getting high are for when the kids aren't around. I am one of those people who can safely use marijuana and not turn into a lunatic. What's more, I am not physically dependent upon alcohol, sedatives or the like so I have nothing to worry about there.
Truth be told---I couldn't afford to be a serious junkie nor would I want to live that lifestyle. To reiterate, I've wasted enough time being a recreational drug and alcohol user.
She's bragged to me quite recently "At least *I* get to indulge for free other than the occasional cost of gas money."
Rub it in, why don't you?
My response was a simple, half-hearted "Good for you babe. Not all people or situations are created equally, sorry..."
I want to stay married because my love for her is not an on/off switch. I've invested 13 years in this relationship!
She's stuck by me all of those years and I know that not many men would tolerate her shenanigans and, much the same, many women would be annoyed with my foibles, history of addiction and neediness, too.
She drives, I do not. She hasn't worked in over a decade whereas I have (even though my resume is trash because I do not have a four-year college degree and I have way too many gaps in my employment history).
Our kids would be devastated if we split up; they already told us so. And what's more, *I* am the one who stands to lose the most because I cannot drive so how would I be able to "come pick them up" for a weekend.
I am barely economically viable as it is. This is due, in part, to a misspent youth. I had it all man: a robust college fund, acceptance letters to top-tier schools, a supportive family, no need to do even a work-study. I chose to squander my money on drugs, going out to eat and to the bar all the time, materialism, gambling in the stock market and subsequently losing and not being gainfully employed i.e. covering my month-to-month expenses out of my assets. What a waste!
Normally one should be looking back at one's early 20s thinking how well off they were not, and then thinking of the present, as they grow nearer to 40 or maybe older, and say to themselves "Wow, what a long way I've come between back then and right now," versus "Boy, I had it made in the shade back then, living the so-called Life of Riley, no money problems, I traveled to many States, Canada, Mexico, I had plenty of people to hang out with, there were always plenty of drugs and alcohol, I nearly always had something to do if I so chose, I used to play keys and bass in a band, I used to get strange any time I wanted it (either by paying, posting an ad, using a chatline or using the myriad of high-octane drugs I had access to 24/7/365) and life was pretty damn good, at least playing Monday-morning quarterback!"
I'm not quite certain what it is I want beyond loving my wife and kids and not disrupting that continuum, finding gainful employment so that we don't circle the drain and end up living on the street, being a patriarch to my family and being a stand-up guy to my family and friends and maybe getting a little strange or getting the occasional sexual thrill. But my status scares women away, running in the opposite direction, screaming, as it were! Per my assessment, ostensibly, they do not want to be just friends.
They don't want to be friends with benefits. Either that, or the enjoy this whiff of sexuality that goes absolutely nowhere so they can eventually blow me off or drop me like a hot potato. I thought I'd gotten married NOT to have to deal with that BS any longer.
It's tough to talk to my real-life friends because my lifestyle at this point is so non traditional not only do I fear being judged but I also fear my wife being judged and I really do not want to make future social encounters awkward for one or both of us.
I can only count, on one hand, the number of true friends I still actually have. Many have come and gone, but, the ones that stuck around are invaluable and truly decent people. They all have kids, with one exception, so they, too, are "busy" often, but we make time for one another whenever possible.
I want to save my marriage but I don't want to cloister myself off when my wife gets to enjoy the companionship of others. That just seems unfair.
I do not want to return to being an active drug addict or an alcoholic in full swing because that would not only let down others around me but also be a personal defeat as I do have some semblance of right from wrong.
As far as meeting others, let's say on this site such as authors and other erotica fans, or on other adult social-networking sites, do I have to lie and/or omit details so as not to chase away the ladies!
What's wrong with honesty for crying out loud!? I'm so sick and tired of being ignored, rejected, told off and the like whereas men are dogs chasing after a bone. My wife even told me, all she has to do is post an ad on something like Craigslist:
...and she'll literally get dozens of replies. Talk about double standard! Should I just settle for masturbation and living vicariously through others?
I just want to have a life before my number is up seeing as I'm not getting any younger.
I'm an intelligent man. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous but I haven't been beaten with the ugly stick, either. I'm experienced but I'm still ready, willing and eager for new ones.
I've been told I have a nice voice and I consider myself to be articulate and well-spoken. I like to read and write. I am a lifelong learner and I love teaching my children things beyond the standard curriculum.
I'm also into politics and current events. I follow the news daily. I have a lot of eclectic knowledge (I'd probably do well on a trivia show) and unfortunately I am a jack of many odd and sundry trades but a master of none.
Man, really, I just want to feel alive, not by way of mind-altering substances or simply using women, but... I'm not quite sure whether to set goals: after all, we plan, God laughs. Or, heck, do I just make it up as I go along? What DO I DO to prevent further emotional turmoil or injury?
I'm also not certain if I'm in a marriage that is viable, long-term, as my wife still might continue to lie to me (perhaps her lying is pathological although I do not feel it is at this time) and I have many fears that stem from the what-ifs and the maybes. I've done the talk-therapy thing to death; guess I just need a layperson's insight.
This is a very complex situation with a myriad of variables that are subject to change though I'd prefer to think I've nailed down all of the important stuff. Man am I lonely, confused and insecure at this very moment. This is, by far, the craziest, most seemingly untenable situation I've been in to date. (*SIGH*)
Any takers on this one? Might any of you be able to relate to me or identify in some way, shape or form?
I will be brutally honest in order to seek out the advice of individuals much wiser than I.
In 2001, I met my then-girlfriend, now-wife. At that time, I had originally just drank alcohol on occasion and smoked a lot of maryjane. The thing is, I was starting to get involved with cocaine, painkillers, hallucinogens and other hard-core types of drugs. At first, it wasn't too bad, for instance, I could buy an eight-ball of coke and keep it in the freezer for over one week and I was not constantly obsessing about it.
i came from a broken home, a history of manic-depression and my mother and I were involved in a fatal car accident. Around Grade 5, my mother was killed instantly and I was hospitalized for over one week. While I was lucky to be alive I did suffer quite a bit of post-traumatic stress and survivor's guilt.
Since i came from a broken home and my father signed away his rights to me when I was a toddler, I went to live with my grandparents. My grandfather had a heart condition and my grandmother had ovarian cancer and she succumbed to it April of the following year.
When my grandfather had a heart attack about six months into my on-again, off-again relationship with my then-girlfriend, now-wife, I went off the deep end. I had lots of money and far too much of it, I mean, a great deal of it went up my nose and down the hatch or into my lungs. She dabbled with me but never became addicted to any of it (except I managed to turn her into a major-league pothead).
We'd split up in February, 2003, got back together in March 2003 and then she got pregnant with my daughter in April 2003. That solidified everything as we had both always dreamed of having a kid or kids. Before we ever had sex, she gave me the caveat, "If I ever get pregnant, I am keeping it, whether or not you want to be a part of the baby's life, that's up to you."
When we met, she was 29 and I was about 22 years old. I know, I know... Freud would have had a field day.
Another female friend I had who lost her father at age 10 loved dating guys twice her age. I guess it's nothing surprising. I'm just lucky that I was never physically or sexually abused.
Anyhow, the only time I was a liar or a straight-up a-hole was when I was using, had been using, or telling lies relating to using/drinking. She tried sending me to rehab and she got me to dabble in twelve-stepping but I was not ready for all that.. Like smoking tobacco, you can't just "want" yourself to want to quit, you really need to WANT to QUIT!
She put up with my nonsense for years, but she remained faithful. There was an isolated incident of infidelity in 2007. Her high-school crush was on the outs with his wife and while I was away, out of state, visiting my father, she invited him over (Eddie) and proceeded to have sex wit him.
Around 2008, I went broke around the time of the financial crisis and was forced to get a job. Luckily, despite my shoddy resume, I got an interesting, decent job in the nonprofit sector with paid time off, healthcare, decent hourly wages plus ample opportunity for overtime!
I had also started taking medication for my newly-diagnosed manic-depression. My father had the same diagnosis. When I was up, I was up, acting impulsively, burning through large sums of cash, doing stupid crap, and when I was down, I could spend the whole day in bed, not tending to my hygiene and so on.
See, the medications calmed me down, but a little too much. I'm sure some of you must have had the experience of going on an anti-depressant or mood-stabilizing drug and your libido goes (sound effect: slide whistle going down), but the screwy part was, because I was prone to the occasional outburst and I was irritable and depressive (mainly situational---not as much biochemical as I had once thought), my girl and my psychiatrist at the time convinced me that the greater good was to stay on the medications. To paraphrase, in her words, "I'd rather have you be sane and less horny than more horny and nuts!"
She started with cam sites in 2011. That was my fault: I introduced her because we already watched porn together while we were intimate, I thought, to quote Emeril, it would "BAM! Kick it up a notch!!!"
Well, she found, unilaterally so, that in the world of cams, women who broadcast regularly of all ages, who aren't even necessarily deemed attractive by most people, can easily find themselves with dozens of viewers and more attention than they know what to do with.
She'd already told me way back when that she was an exhibitionist and secretly wanted to get caught by a variety of people, that is, with the exception of the kids! Despite the fact that's whence they came, they need not capture a visual image that it's going to take thousands of dollars and years in therapy to remedy.
Over the course of 2011, cam2cam sites morphed from a passing, on-again, off-again interest to an obsession, then, before you know it, she was on all the major-league hook-up sites, posting ads for an afternoon delight, meanwhile, that job I'd gotten a couple of years back really started to blow and when one clue lead to another and everything came unraveled. I had my suspicions that were eventually confirmed.
She'll be the first to tell you, she's a horrible liar and, to be fair, it's partially not her fault because she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis circa 2008. MS is an autoimmune disease where the immune system goes haywire and attacks the nervous system and lesions can develop on the brain; in her case she has short-term memory issues. She did absolutely NOTHING to deserve it! Who really does? It's not like a smoker who smokes for 40 years that gets lung cancer.
She's great with numbers and she can tell you vividly about an experience she had two decades ago but if you asked her what she had for breakfast, there's a chance she might not remember what it was or if she even had it. It's a really sad, sad condition and I suspect it might have been, in part, the impetus for serial infidelity. When chunks of my life are missing, alcohol and or sedatives (like Xanax) were likely involved.
So, I busted her when I found her ad on an adult site circa Christmas 2011 and she was "good" for a while. I was unemployed the first nine months of 2013 but once I landed a 40-hour-per-week gig, that's when she went off on her cheating frenzy. From Fall 2013 through Summer 2014, it wasn't just one guy, one time. It was multiple guys, some of whom she saw multiple times. She even ended up getting set up for a gangbang of sorts.
Yes, that's right, she met this guy (ironically who shared my name) that claimed he wanted an M-M-F type of arrangement, well, what happened was that the dude posted the address of the motel she was staying at and she ended up having a bunch of guys show up and she even admitted later on it was kind of hot.
Curiously, I was never quite clear on what happened to the original guy or if she had set it up herself and never had the courage to tell me she did so.
She guesstimates she might have been with between 20-25 guys, half maybe one-day/one-night stands, the other half 'repeat offenders'.
The real kick in the nads was that she didn't make the guys use condoms on a couple of occasions and she got pregnant by a teenage boy (barely of age, whom she barely knew---mind you---she's white, he's black, she's 43 and her doctor told her it was highly inadvisable to have another child---and a mixed-race child would make things that much more awkward for our less-than-open-minded relatives).
What's more, not for nothing, but my son turns nine next month. I really don't think anyone in this family is ready for another addition. Her MS medication could end up terminating the pregnancy in and of itself, long story short, she went to Planned Parenthood on the down low.
We've both since been tested for sexually-transmitted diseases and we got a clean bill of health.
I mean, THAT WAS JUST OVER THE TOP FOR ME!
If you're going to cheat on your husband, at least have the decency to make the guy wrap his shit up (in plain English)! Publicly, I am pro-choice although in my personal/family life I am pro-life unless of course there is rape/incest/danger to the mother's life involved.
Just my view but I respect others' right to decide what they want. I think it's pretty sad when people just use it as a routine form of birth control because I've known more than one woman who has lost her ability to conceive, ever, because of having had an abortion (let alone the God and Soul issue). No offense meant to anybody's views here. This is my own insight and I own it.
Finally, one night she got a text at 3:00 AM in the morning and I called shenanigans because I knew if it wasn't her mom, step-dad or someone in distress. It was one of her little boy-toy friends offline who was looking for a little phone sex or something of the sort.
BUSTED!!!
She routinely deleted all the text messages in her phone and her laptop had been password protected for quite some time and I bluffed and told her that I had a Linux boot disk that could break through any encryption and show me all the files. At first I thought maybe she had some "Dear Diary" action going on but it was something even more torrid: a photo fuck-journal.
In order to get her to confess, I parlayed the fact that I used to be an active user/drinker and I conjured up her hatred of my lies, betrayal and secrecy.
I told her, "I know you've been up to something, I am pretty confident you've been unfaithful, and if I have to find out everything on my own, as much as I'd hate to do it to you AND the kids... I will divorce you and in the end they, along with the rest of the world, can find out precisely why."
I'd already confessed my mistakes to the entire family and inadequacies and took it upon myself to get psychotherapy, go to twelve-step meetings and own my shit. Amidst all of that, here I am, trying to be a better man, and she's in her downward Caligula-esque spiral.
The irony is that she had this gay friend, who was actually a pretty cool guy, as her beard of sorts, for her not-so-innocent activities. I knew something was up and it was chewing at the very fabric of my soul... I just could not take it any longer!!!
I'd asked her repeatedly to come clean. I told her in no uncertain terms, "Let me be 1000% clear here, if there's something you're up to, just admit it now..." but she kept brushing me off until I had her cornered like a wounded animal.
I found out about three or maybe even four weeks ago that she had indeed been unfaithful and lied about it. After her confirmation of that fact, it took her almost a week to be honest about everything. First it was just a couple of guys, then six, then twenty or more. THAT is the SCOPE of what has transpired over the past year.
Then, last but not least, she confirmed my suspicion about nailing her high-school crush while I was out of state seven years back. It's almost as though, in my mind, I had this coming when I was a liar and a user... but why wait until I was proactively trying to change for the better!?
That just seems like an extra slap in the face! Why tell me to stay on my medications when I've told you they're curbing my libido dangerously low? Feels like a dirty trick of sorts although I tend to over analyze ALL the time!
She explained that she's essentially a nymphomaniac who is able to separate intercourse and foreplay from romantic and loving feelings. She loves me, cares deeply for me, wants to stay with me and raise our family whereas she simply enjoys getting boned by her various boy toys.
At this point, per her account, there are maybe 5-6 guys whose number she still has (and I checked her phone when she wasn't paying attention).
She also let me look into her secret AOL email address without disclosing the password. I might not know 100% of everything, but I surely know enough.
So her words, not mine, paraphrasing, "You're free to do whatever, or whomever, you want. I mean, if you really want to engage in straight-up monogamy until death do us part, be my guest, but as much as I love you, there is only so far sex with the same person, no matter how good it is, can get old after a while."
She had a point. I mean, I was and am great with knowing how to give her multiple orgasms, what she likes, dislikes and like the comedian Jeff Foxworthy put it, "after a while you just know the combination to your lover's safe."
Alas, she'd stumbled unto a truth I scarcely wanted to admit myself. I'd been curious about gettin' some strange for a while (in a former life I was rather promiscuous) but I was less inclined to pursue it because 1. I'd already earned enough mistrust for one lifetime with alcohol and substance abuse, I *did* love and no doubt *DO* love her and did not want to cross yet another line and 2. it was the one area where I could say, since the day I married, I'd been 100% faithful to my wife, to wit, it was a source of pride I guess.
She told me I was welcome to post an ad online or meet someone locally with the proviso that I did not become romantically involved. It was to be for sex only.
Unfortunately for me, on so many Adult Websites, women are mainly just looking for a hot young stud or a guy with money. I hardly fit the bill for either of those characters or types. What's more, I cannot drive for medical reasons so that really puts the kibosh on any type of rendezvous.
After grilling her, I learned she had been going to other men's homes, they'd been paying for hotel rooms, she'd invited them to our house when she knew nobody would be home for a few hours, or if all else failed, she'd fool around in the car.
I've since tried a few different sites and a few different angles and the number one thing that is KILLING IT for me is the fact that I am still married; I don't want to be a liar though. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say 95% of all women think this open-marriage thing is BS.
In fact, my wife is bisexual. She had dated a couple of women before she even knew me. She told me emphatically if I ever found a girl that swung both ways, I was welcome to make an introduction and we could have a three-way when the kids were at her mom's or sister's; nobody in my family can really take the kids as I'm an only child whose only living parent (my father) lives out of state.
My main fantasy, if I ever get my erotic story completed (I'm about 4.5 chapters in) is to meet a girl half my age. I'm 36 and I'd love to meet an intellectual young lady literally half my age. I do not want to fall in love. I do not want a commitment. I'd just like to enjoy one another's companionship and the sex that goes with it.
But I'll be damned if women just aren't having it---that is, women of any age, race or background. It's like I have a giant Scarlett "M" for "Married" affixed to my forehead because I'm unwilling to lie and say I am divorced or separated. Women, in my experience, lose interest when they hear one is in an open marriage.
I suppose I could juke my stats in my favor just enough to better the odds that things go my way, but I hate lying and hypocrisy. After all, it's what created this unmitigated, galumphing disaster from which we are now trying to recover.
The good thing is that I've sold my girl on total honesty. I told her that I do not expect her to meet anyone new, if we do that, we can meet a couple and swap or perhaps go to a sex club. She has one in mind that I, too, would like to try.
Other than that, there are a few men she's interested in seeing now and again (she just saw one today) and that's fine. I know there's NO WAY I can keep up with her libido. She'd have sex 3-5 times per day if she could. I could've kept up with her needs when I was 12 perhaps, but, that's two-thirds of my life ago when I was young, dumb and full of cum.
As for my end, I told her, "You've now forfeited all of your moral high-ground and your right to judge me. While I no longer drink alcohol, you, too, smoke the occasional joint or bowlpack and take the occasional sedative etc. so if I do the same, with the proviso that I'm not walking around the house half in a trance, the pot has no right to call the kettle black."
She agreed. We have now gotten into a position where neither of us has the right to micromanage each other's life (unless either of our actions are negatively affecting or endangering the welfare of our children).
We both came to an understanding on that one, Thank Goodness. Boy toys and/or getting high are for when the kids aren't around. I am one of those people who can safely use marijuana and not turn into a lunatic. What's more, I am not physically dependent upon alcohol, sedatives or the like so I have nothing to worry about there.
Truth be told---I couldn't afford to be a serious junkie nor would I want to live that lifestyle. To reiterate, I've wasted enough time being a recreational drug and alcohol user.
She's bragged to me quite recently "At least *I* get to indulge for free other than the occasional cost of gas money."
Rub it in, why don't you?
My response was a simple, half-hearted "Good for you babe. Not all people or situations are created equally, sorry..."
I want to stay married because my love for her is not an on/off switch. I've invested 13 years in this relationship!
She's stuck by me all of those years and I know that not many men would tolerate her shenanigans and, much the same, many women would be annoyed with my foibles, history of addiction and neediness, too.
She drives, I do not. She hasn't worked in over a decade whereas I have (even though my resume is trash because I do not have a four-year college degree and I have way too many gaps in my employment history).
Our kids would be devastated if we split up; they already told us so. And what's more, *I* am the one who stands to lose the most because I cannot drive so how would I be able to "come pick them up" for a weekend.
I am barely economically viable as it is. This is due, in part, to a misspent youth. I had it all man: a robust college fund, acceptance letters to top-tier schools, a supportive family, no need to do even a work-study. I chose to squander my money on drugs, going out to eat and to the bar all the time, materialism, gambling in the stock market and subsequently losing and not being gainfully employed i.e. covering my month-to-month expenses out of my assets. What a waste!
Normally one should be looking back at one's early 20s thinking how well off they were not, and then thinking of the present, as they grow nearer to 40 or maybe older, and say to themselves "Wow, what a long way I've come between back then and right now," versus "Boy, I had it made in the shade back then, living the so-called Life of Riley, no money problems, I traveled to many States, Canada, Mexico, I had plenty of people to hang out with, there were always plenty of drugs and alcohol, I nearly always had something to do if I so chose, I used to play keys and bass in a band, I used to get strange any time I wanted it (either by paying, posting an ad, using a chatline or using the myriad of high-octane drugs I had access to 24/7/365) and life was pretty damn good, at least playing Monday-morning quarterback!"
I'm not quite certain what it is I want beyond loving my wife and kids and not disrupting that continuum, finding gainful employment so that we don't circle the drain and end up living on the street, being a patriarch to my family and being a stand-up guy to my family and friends and maybe getting a little strange or getting the occasional sexual thrill. But my status scares women away, running in the opposite direction, screaming, as it were! Per my assessment, ostensibly, they do not want to be just friends.
They don't want to be friends with benefits. Either that, or the enjoy this whiff of sexuality that goes absolutely nowhere so they can eventually blow me off or drop me like a hot potato. I thought I'd gotten married NOT to have to deal with that BS any longer.
It's tough to talk to my real-life friends because my lifestyle at this point is so non traditional not only do I fear being judged but I also fear my wife being judged and I really do not want to make future social encounters awkward for one or both of us.
I can only count, on one hand, the number of true friends I still actually have. Many have come and gone, but, the ones that stuck around are invaluable and truly decent people. They all have kids, with one exception, so they, too, are "busy" often, but we make time for one another whenever possible.
I want to save my marriage but I don't want to cloister myself off when my wife gets to enjoy the companionship of others. That just seems unfair.
I do not want to return to being an active drug addict or an alcoholic in full swing because that would not only let down others around me but also be a personal defeat as I do have some semblance of right from wrong.
As far as meeting others, let's say on this site such as authors and other erotica fans, or on other adult social-networking sites, do I have to lie and/or omit details so as not to chase away the ladies!
What's wrong with honesty for crying out loud!? I'm so sick and tired of being ignored, rejected, told off and the like whereas men are dogs chasing after a bone. My wife even told me, all she has to do is post an ad on something like Craigslist:
...and she'll literally get dozens of replies. Talk about double standard! Should I just settle for masturbation and living vicariously through others?
I just want to have a life before my number is up seeing as I'm not getting any younger.
I'm an intelligent man. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous but I haven't been beaten with the ugly stick, either. I'm experienced but I'm still ready, willing and eager for new ones.
I've been told I have a nice voice and I consider myself to be articulate and well-spoken. I like to read and write. I am a lifelong learner and I love teaching my children things beyond the standard curriculum.
I'm also into politics and current events. I follow the news daily. I have a lot of eclectic knowledge (I'd probably do well on a trivia show) and unfortunately I am a jack of many odd and sundry trades but a master of none.
Man, really, I just want to feel alive, not by way of mind-altering substances or simply using women, but... I'm not quite sure whether to set goals: after all, we plan, God laughs. Or, heck, do I just make it up as I go along? What DO I DO to prevent further emotional turmoil or injury?
I'm also not certain if I'm in a marriage that is viable, long-term, as my wife still might continue to lie to me (perhaps her lying is pathological although I do not feel it is at this time) and I have many fears that stem from the what-ifs and the maybes. I've done the talk-therapy thing to death; guess I just need a layperson's insight.
This is a very complex situation with a myriad of variables that are subject to change though I'd prefer to think I've nailed down all of the important stuff. Man am I lonely, confused and insecure at this very moment. This is, by far, the craziest, most seemingly untenable situation I've been in to date. (*SIGH*)
Any takers on this one? Might any of you be able to relate to me or identify in some way, shape or form?
