Story Discussion ScarletWings, Main Queue 11/06/05

oOScarletWingsOo

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Goodbye Tupperware
Nicole Best © 2005

“Ladies.” Marlene spoke over the excited chatter of the small group of women. “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Marlene Dunn, your Eve-nings Gift Consultant.”

Marlene stood before them, proud and confident in her black floor length skirt and black Victorian inspired corset. The straps hugged against her caramel skin creating a subtle contrast. Tiny embroidered monochromatic flowers danced down the bodice, accentuating her slender waist.

“Before I begin, I’d like to take a moment to thank our hostess, Holly Martin, for allowing me the opportunity to share some exciting products and offers with you.”

Marlene paused for the ladies to applaud Holly. Holly’s face brightened and she made an awkward bow from her seated position.

She projected the air of gracious hostess by feigning her embarrassment. Holly Martin was the area’s maven of entertaining. If she had an ounce of backing, and more importantly, the desire, she could possibly topple the reigning experts on modern hosting.

Instead, she was happy being the one-two-punch that was Mr. And Mrs. Martin. She had supported her husband’s career by flawlessly throwing intimate dinner parties and holiday get-togethers to numerous suited gentlemen and their spouses. Many, she’s sure, gained her husband the fast ascent to the prestigious position at his firm.

Tonight was a casual affair, a night for herself and her closets girlfriends. Despite this she was unable to turn off the Mr. Martin’s well-practiced responses. She turned her attention to Marlene.

“Eve-ning’s Gift’s summer line of products are so exciting and so innovative, they are on the cutting edge of the industry. You’ll never find products like these in your local retail shops. Only consultants like myself will be able to share at exclusive gatherings such as this one.”

Holly winked at her friends. They were a tight group. A common thread bound their varying backgrounds together.

Debra Hofstrum, one of the city’s highest paid female CEO’s sat sharply dressed in her dark green pantsuit. She kept her chestnut hair expertly styled by one of those salons that scheduled appointments six months out. Debra ran a manicured hand through it then smiled back at Holly.

Holly caught sight of Debra’s knee brush slightly against Kit Simmon’s bare one. Kit’s legs were tone and strong from the foot route she took delivering the mail. Five days a week in the sun kept her skin hued, warm and golden. With her sun kissed blonde hair, she was the perfect California girl conveniently displaced in the suburbs of the Midwest.

Kit shared a laughing smile with Janelle Drake. Janelle was seated in the twin wing back chair opposite Holly. Her Emerald Isle green eyes sparkled with impish sweetness. The local high school teacher was smartly dressed in a sweater, blouse and knee length skirt. It was a look that gained her respect from parents and students alike. She flicked a long curled lock of her fiery red hair away from her neck then turned her attention to Marlene.

Marlene’s eyes passed from one giddy face to the other.

“Holly, would you mind helping me by passing around Even-ning’s Gift’s latest brochure?” Marlene handed Holly the stake of brochures. The glossy surfaces caught under their hands with a squeak as they left one hand and passed between them.

Each woman laid her trembling fingers on the slick shining pages. Before long the room filled with quiet oh’s and ah’s and girlish laughter. Marlene examined the women in the group closely, watching their transformations. Their mature conservative exoskeletons slowly allowed their youthful wonderment to emerge as they delved into the pages, rich with naughty temptations.

Kit Simmons stared wide-eyed at the first page for a long moment before turning to whisper to Debra Hofstrum. Debra had almost made it to the last page but flipped back to where Kit was. They pointed at the high quality photo and then broke into a shoulder-shaking giggle.

Marlene tossed her long mane of raven hair to one side showing a black inked tattoo snaking from her hairline onto the top of her left shoulder. Marlene felt four sets of eyes fall upon her at once. The looks moved over her with a heat, along the exposed tops of her breast, up to her neck to the tattoo that each woman knew continued down the center of her back in an intricate ivy and floral pattern.

Marlene, the consummate performer prolonged the exchange, soaking up their appreciation and anticipation until the moment rose the hairs on her arms. Pleased, she moved on with her presentation.

“Now,” Marlene spoke, her voice seasoned with drama. “Holly has been so good to inform me that each of you are already proud owners of our Level One line of products.” Marlene looked into each woman’s face and they acknowledged the fact with a small nod.

“Very good. You’ll be pleased to know Eve-nings Gift’s R&D department has expanded those products. Not only will they be wonderful to use on their own, but they can also be used with our expansion line.”

The women’s smiles broadened. Marlene continued. “As many of you have already taken note, the expansion products begin on page 7.” The women flipped to the page in unison. “There are two options for this expansion.”

Marlene turned to a small table. The corner of her mouth turned up in a half smile. She waved her hand in a motion that would have made a Barker’s Beauty proud then snatched off a black cloth to reveal a full range of Eve-ning’s Gift’s top selling products.

Eve-ning’s Gift’s products appeared on the table; standing proud in their life-like skins, each hued in colors ranging from the deepest blues and purples to neon pinks and yellow. They were sized for every taste and possible use. A few of them were small enough to be carried discretely in one’s purse. Others were mouth wateringly long and fully detailed to mimic the organs they were fashioned after.

“The first option would be to combine any of these products with item number 562.” Marlene pulled a velvet box from underneath the table.

The women inched to the edge of their seats. Slowly, Marlene released the tiny gold clasp. The metal hinges gave a low creek when Marlene opened the lid. Nestled within the thick lining of the box’s interior rested a tangle of black leather adorned with silver rivets.

Marlene walked slowly towards the women holding the box close to her chest, removing it momentarily from their view. The women stretched their necks to see more of the box’s contents. She stopped in front of the coffee table near to where the women sat. Ceremoniously, Marlene sank down to her knees before the coffee table, her long skirt pooling around her body like an oil spill on the faux Oriental carpet. Marlene placed the box on the coffee table’s surface with such care it barely made a sound as she slid her hands from underneath the final corner.

“If God had been a woman, men would have a penis growing from their chins. Right ladies?”

The women laughed openly in agreement.

“We’ve taken the liberty of fixing that tiny little inconvenience.” Laughter rang in Marlene’s words as she removed the object from the box. “The Facial Pleasure Bud Harness is constructed with durable leather for hours of play. The straps are fully adjustable for maximum comfort.” Marlene grasped the harness in her tiny hands. The sharp attention of the woman drew the walls of the small living room in close as Marlene turned the harness over and over in her soft hands. The rivets gleamed under the low light. In turn, each woman was able to see it in full view.

“The toy of your choosing would be placed securely here.” Marlene’s manicured fingers followed a smooth opening, caressing the surface with an intentional seductive attention, and then she continued with the explanation.

“The entire harness positions the toy at your lovers chin giving you that added level of pleasure.”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Holly exclaimed.

“Is it hot in here all of the sudden?” Janelle shook herself out of the cream sweater she wore over a business style button down blouse.

The other women laughed at her seemingly attempt at a joke. Kit leaned over to Debra to whisper. Debra glanced in Janelle’s direction then quickly averted her eyes.

Janelle did not appear to be joking. The fair skin of her cheeks was brightly hued with color. She was tugging at her shirt sending puffs of air up into her hair.

“It certainly sends your mind working at the possibilities doesn’t it?” Marlene directed her question at the group, but kept her eye on Janelle who had accidentally unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse in her fervent attempts to cool herself. Each expansion of the fabric flashed the white lacey top of her bra.

“I wished I’d thought of it.” Kit said.

“I know that it’s hard to imagine the way this would work, seeing it in this state. Perhaps, it would be helpful to see it at work.” Marlene’s smile spread large and mischievous across her pretty face. “The best things about these events is that my guests get to sample the products before they buy. I’d hate for any of you to make the investment without having at least tried it.”

“Goodie. My favorite part.” Debra said then playfully bit into her lower lip.

“It’s certainly mine as well.” Marlene stated.

Marlene had worked hard over the last few years to reach the level of success with Eve-ning’s Gift. She had earned every tattooed ivy leaf and bloom as recognition of her sales-womanship. She had seen many events like the one tonight and enjoyed every single one immensely.

The trick to gaining huge sales and repeat customers was to drill into the sexpot in each woman with whatever toy it took. These were Level Two women she was dealing with tonight. These women had seen many wonderful toys, lotions and potions, but they needed to see something spectacular in order for Marlene to get into their minds as well as their wallets.

“I have something that I know will really put this particular item into perspective. It’ll be the perfect demonstration for how well this item will work for you. While I’m out getting this “little surprise”, why don’t each of you pick an item from the table to examine a little closer.”

Marlene maneuvered to her feet with the same effortless elegance she used when she knelt. Before she left the room she passed the table.

“Might I suggest ebony number 2444?” Marlene pointed it out with her small slender finger. She traced over the large bulbous tip and then down over a prominent vein. She swallowed down her chuckle.

When Marlene left the room the questions started like the low rumbled of thunder before a storm. They queried Holly.

“What is she off to get Holly?” Kit asked.

“I haven’t the slightest idea.” Holly reached for her beverage.

“Uh-huh.” Janelle murmured skeptically.

“Maybe she’ll bring in some of these alluring fragrances and body powders. It says here they have pheromone enhancing properties.” Debra said.

“Well, she did say that there were two options on how to use the product.” Kit analyzed. “Maybe it’s product number 572? It’s simply gorgeous.”

“I’ll say. ‘Six feet, 2 inches of cyberskin sexiness.’ ” Holly read from the brochure. “That’s all I need.”

“But isn’t it just a doll? If I wanted to hump a hunk of lifeless flesh I’d fuck my husband.” Debra remarked.

The other ladies gave a sorrowful groan for Debra’s husband and then broke into loud boisterous laughter. Debra simply shrugged as if to solidify that her comment wasn’t meant to provide humor. She walked over to the table and picked up Marlene’s suggestion for examination.

“I mean, if my darling husband was like this,” she held the phallic shaped toy down around her pelvic area. It flopped around heavily with her movements. “He could just lay there and I’d get off for sure.”

“It’s so big you could get off from across the room.” Holly said. “How big is that thing?”

Debra stroked her hand down over the shaft as if the motion would assist her in calculating the exact length. “Hard to tell. I need a point of reference. Come here Janelle.”

Janelle went to stand before Debra. Debra brought the licorice colored-jellied surface up to Janelle’s face. From the base where Debra clenched it tightly to the very tip it extended well into Janelle’s shiny red hair.

“A good 9, 9 ½ inches.”

“Yikes!” Kit exclaimed.

“Could you even get something like this in your mouth?” Debra said, allowing her voice to relay part question and part dare.

“If it were real I’d try it.” Janelle shrugged.

“Well it’s not.” Holly said. She had moved from the armchair to the couch for a better look. “Picture some hot chocolate Hollywood stud on the other end and just do it.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t open that pretty little mouth for someone like say… Morris Chestnut?” Debra asked stroking her fingers up and down over the large head.

Janelle scrunched up her nose. “You guys know I’m not much into movies. I can hardly even picture him in my mind.”

“Football players.” Kit called out from her seated position on the floor.

“Okay. Football players. Hell, they’re all over 6 feet tall. They are bound to be hung.”

At that Janelle smiled obviously picturing her pick. “Gimmie that.” She attempted to snatch it from Debra’s hand but Debra jerked it away before she got her hand on it.

“No, sirie. I’ll hold it.” Debra said with a gleam in her eye.

“Fine.” Janelle licked her lips quickly. She widened her mouth slightly in wait for Debra to bring it to her prepared mouth.

“Oh you are going to have to open your mouth wider than that!” Holly laughed.

Janelle had a hard time opening her mouth any wider around her smile.

“That’s better.” Debra praised.

Carefully she guided the head of the dildo up against Janelle’s lips. Her lips adjusted slightly to get around the girth. Debra pressed in further and felt a little resistance.

“Uh-oh. No teeth.”

Janelle formed her rebuttal around a quickly filing mouth. “I’m-ph tr-wring womph to.”

The other women giggled at her predicament, but Debra remained straight faced and focused on pressing every black, veined inch into Janelle’s mouth. She couldn’t help but take note of the enticing contrast of the dark rod against Janelle pale ivory skin tone.

Debra’s mouth moved slightly as she watched Janelle’s attempt. It was as if by moving her own mouth she could aid Janelle in taking it deeper and deeper. She heard Janelle make a slurping noise. She knew what that meant. The head was pushing far enough into her mouth to make it water. A warm, sexy rush flooded between her legs. The sound, the sight, the knowledge excited her. It drove her to push the end of the dildo in just that bit more. Debra wanted to create tears in Janelle’s eyes. A wry perversion kept her fist tight around the base of the meaty black dong. Debra pulsed it in and out of her mouth. Janelle responded by sucking loudly, eagerly. She enjoyed it and locked her eyes on Debra’s.

“That’s a girl.” Debra whispered.

Janelle gave a barely audible whimper and that made Debra press that much harder on the end of the dildo, but that was all Janelle could take. In an instant her eyes welled up and tears broke over the rim of her lids.

Debra wanted to see more. She wanted to hear more of Janelle’s lustful slurping and she made one more shallow thrust against the back of Janelle’s throat. Janelle retreated back from Debra and her monster cock, coughing in hopes of catching her breath.

“Brava Janelle.” Kit praised.

“Well done Ms. Drake.” Holly winked.

Janelle smiled over to them, checking for escaping mascara under her eyes.

“Yes. Well done.” Debra said softly. She looked down at her hand and hadn’t realized that she’d been stroking the length of the toy. Janelle’s saliva lubricated it well. Her mind sped over the many scenarios that could occur with a well-lubricated toy like this one. Debra felt the need to lick the length of the shaft, taste the inside of Janelle’s mouth. She was regretful for not taking a hold of the back of Janelle’s head and forcing her to take more of that perfectly hard dick, letting her up only to catch her breath as she needed and then to make her take more.

Debra stopped herself by placing the dildo back on the table as if letting it go would release her from her fantasy.

“Toss me that teeny tiny red one over there Debra.” Holly requested.

Debra made an expert toss to Holly. It was Holly that made an awful reception. The toy bounced off her chest and landed in her lap. The collision set off the toys tiny on switch and it began to vibrate immediately against Holly’s crossed thighs.

There was a brief moment of surprise in Holly’s face then it relaxed and morphed into a quizzical look. That look softened more into a tranquil expression, one only pleasure could bring.

“Oh my.” Holly said breathlessly. “For something so small,” her tongue flicked out to moisten her lips. “it sure packs a wallop.”

“Let me see.” Kit reached up from the floor to grab the tiny vibe away from Holly’s lap. Holly caught Kit’s wrist just as her hand closed around the vibrator. They stared into each other’s eyes at first willing the other to surrender. As the vibrations shot through Holly’s crotch and up into Kit’s arm the look pleaded for the other not to move.

In automatic response Kit moved her thumb along the inner seam of Holly’s jeans, pressing the double bound fabric lightly into Holly’s center.

“The vibes are intense. Yes.” Kit mouthed. Her eyes roamed over Holly’s body then up into her face. She watched her eyes flutter closed.

“Our Stealth Surge Vibrators have been top sellers four years running.” Marlene said from the threshold. “It looks as if I was just about to miss all the fun.”

The ladies reluctantly directed their eyes to Marlene. Janelle and Debra had been watching silently. They each wordlessly willed the two women to go further. They breathed a hapless sigh; disappointed in not seeing Holly and Kit, who were heartbeats away from leaping into the pool of hedonistic abandonment, finish what was certain to be entertaining.

Marlene had consulted this group before. She knew then what was now confirmed in this very moment. An undeniable energy pulsed around the room. Each woman was a lightning rod for unrequited sexual vigor. Marlene was suddenly glad that she had brought this particular surprise.

Still somewhat be spelled, Janelle spoke huskily, “So. Where is our surprise? We’ve been good girls. We deserve it.”

Marlene looked into Holly’s flushed face then down to Kit who was still twisting and squeezing at the tiny vibe in an effort to turn if off. She gave it a hard smack with the palm of her hand and it shut off.

“Good girls? I highly doubt it. But I do agree that you deserve it.”

“Well show us.” Debra said, going back to her spot on the couch.

Marlene looked to Janelle. She took a seat at Debra’s feet, bracing herself against Debra’s shapely legs.

“You’ll be superbly amazed at the advancements in technology with this next item. Not only is it rapidly becoming our hottest ticket item, soon to go on back order status, but it really does represent something for every Eve-ning’s Gift client. Ladies, may I present to you… P.A.U.L.”

Struck by something familiar Janelle grabbed her brochure. “Isn’t P.A.U.L item number 572?”

Marlene nodded.

“Is someone going to bring him in? I imagine that he’d be quite heavy at 6’2”.”

“There’s no need.” Marlene grinned.

She held out her hand into the foyer. A large male hand grasped hers. Strong, thick fingers laced between her short slender ones.

“Front and center P.A.U.L.” Marlene commanded.

In four slow strides the perfect specimen of a man entered the room. It was as if Michelangelo had found a way to breathe life into his David. The man was a flawless expanse of muscles and limbs. His eyes sparkled more brilliantly than any jewel known to man. The way they danced it was hard to tell if they were ocean blue, or the fresh, vibrant color of spring grass. His hair fell in casual curls that beckoned you to reach up and twirl them around a finger. They were brown with bronze highlights. Even under this low light it cast a particular luster, like newly polished copper.

The women spoke different awestruck expletives almost at the same time.

“Remarkable isn’t it?” Marlene replied, eyeing the form beside her with the same respectful eye.

“He …it…moves?” Holly said in whispered amazement.

“P.A.U.L, which stands for Personal Automated Unselfish Lover, represents the world’s best advances in cyborg technology. He is equipped with fully articulated joints, including his fingers.” Marlene arched a brow. “He has a fully expressive mouth and tongue made from the same material as many of our select top of the line toys. One of the draw backs to his mouth, if you consider it to be one, is he doesn’t speak.”

The women chuckled at the notion.

“The designers felt that robotic responses to verbal interaction were too bland.”

“Obviously they wanted to be more in line with fantasy than reality.” Kit remarked.

“So how are we suppose to use him with our other purchases. I hardly see any room for improvement. P.A.U.L is gorgeous with the body of a God and he knows when to shut up. What more could we want.” Debra pointed out.

The circle reverberated with laughter. Marlene cut in.

“First things first. As deceiving as his appearance may be, P.A.U.L isn’t human. Therefore he doesn’t make his own natural lubricants. You would be required to use Eve-ning’s Gift’s line of personal lubricants on his mouth. And he isn’t anatomically correct” Marlene lifted up the thin cut off cloth that draped along his waist.

“My goodness. He’s a life sized Ken!” Janelle said.

“The reason for that is so that you can put in any one of Eve-ning’s Gift dildos and dongs on him and have the penetration you’ve always wanted. Whatever size you’ve dreamed, you can have it. You are only limited by your…desires.”

The women were speechless for once. Marlene retrieved a blue dildo from the table.

“With three clockwise turns P.A.U.L goes from eunuch to well endowed in an instant.”

The women made a sound of understanding as their expressions went from puzzlement to comprehension.

“Well could you kiss him?” Debra spoke up.

“I’m glad you asked. Come find out.” Marlene answered.

With little hesitation Debra stood and walked over to P.A.U.L. When she came into his line of sight P.A.U.L responded with an eerily realistic grin.

“He responds to simple commands by stating his name first and then naming the command. Try it.”

Debra cleared her throat. “P.A.U.L? Kiss me.”

Like a good boy P.A.U.L swept Debra into his arms. He pulled her in close to his tone bare chest. Debra looked up into his dazzling eyes. She was quickly caught up in the moment and reveled in the sensation of his large hands roaming her back. His lips descended on hers. She let out an audible sigh as his mouth moved expertly. The kiss was long and hugely passionate.

P.A.U.L’s left hand was grasping Debra’s deep brown tresses while his right was slipping down her lower back to her ass. He gave it a gentle squeeze and Debra squealed. She pulled back with a very astonished look on her face. She staggered slightly.

“I’ll take two.” She said giggling and touching her fingertips to her mouth. “My God! That was so real!” She spun around to let her girlfriends to see her amazement.

“Unbelievably life like.” Marlene nodded. “The pride of our summer releases. Now let’s put P.A.U.L to the real test. As I mentioned the bud harness is better shown than explained.”

Marlene began to equip P.A.U.L with the harness. She was right. The harness adjusted easily along P.A.U.L’s the strong jaw. From his chin, a day glow pink dildo extended in an eye catching g-spot curve.

“It does create a very silly image.” Holly said.

“Climb aboard. It’s the benefit for the hostess. She gets the best freebies.” Marlene winked.

Resistance played over Holly’s face.

“Oh, you just have to Holly.” Kit said.

“’Cuz if you don’t, I will.” Janelle remarked then crossed the room to stand beside P.A.U.L. She stroked a lazy hand over his shoulder. Her eyes followed her hand down the powerfully sculpted arm. She wanted to feel what Debra had experienced. Her fingers reached his palm. She took hold of it and brought it up to examine it closely. Painstaking detail was taken to render every feature of this incredible sex machine, right down to lifelines on his palm. Janelle pressed his hand into her cheek.

P.A.U.L’s eyes targeted to her. He gave her the same causal smile. It was warm and inviting but his palm lacked a natural body temperature. Before she could be disappointed in that P.A.U.L made a very human response by closing his hand and stroking the backs of his fingers down over her face into her hair.

She shuddered then said, “Damn they are good.”

Holly had been watching. “I have to know.”

“Good. Get more comfortable.” Marlene said.

The room’s full attention fell on Holly as she began to undress. She stopped before she got her jeans zipper halfway down.

“Do you have to stare?”

“If you have something in there that we didn’t already know you had, we’ll be doing more than just staring.” Janelle said.

“Just take off your clothes. Or do you need some help?” Kit said.

“Help.” Holly smiled invitingly.

They walked toward each other. Holly stood slightly smaller than Kit’s 5’7” frame when she kicked off her shoes. Kit moved her hands down Holly’s sides to reach for the excess shirt material tucked into her jeans. With one quick tug the hem sprang from the waist. She continued pulling until the shirt was removed. Holly’s dark wavy hair flew up into the air behind it and landed in a random heap on top of her head.

Holly shook the stray strands away from her face, smiling brightly over Kit’s shoulder at their audience. Kit was oblivious to any other eyes but Holly’s. She stepped closer to gain access to the clasp of her bra. Reaching for it she pulled Holly into her. The full mounds of her breasts pressed into hers. Their peaks touched. Kit’s nipples hardened slowly in response.

Holly turned her head to nuzzle her nose into Kit’s hair. A sweet earthy fragrance wafted through her senses. She felt any hint of tension leave her body on a long boat ride to another place, leaving her to wade through the wake of Kit’s awakening exploration.

Kit unhooked her bra then massaged her hands over the embossed flesh. It was warm and pink from the restrictive fabric. Kit pulled Holly closer to her body with every gentle caress. Holly didn’t resist. Her legs became willowy. She hadn’t expected to respond this way but was in no way going to fight such a heady experience. She nuzzled further down into Kit hair, feeling her way down to her neck where the more potent amounts of that sweet earthiness laid soaked into her skin.

Holly’s breathing quickened. The scent of Kit’s neck coursed through her, mixing with her blood, filling her with a desire she’d long ignored. She closed her eyes to block out any other unnecessary sensory stimuli in an effort not to interfere with the most important ones, Kit’s touch and the smell of her skin.

Kit released her. Holly almost lost her balance, but caught herself on Kit’s shoulders. She was busy shaking Holly free of the confines of her jeans. Hooking her thumbs into Holly’s panties was well as her jeans; Kit brought them both down into a rumpled heap.

Kit didn’t request permission. She immediately pressed her lips into the dark matted curls at junction of Holly’s thighs. They both moaned. Holly’s came out like a “yes”.

Kit shook her head back and forth working the mild scent of Holly’s inner lips into her mouth, her nose, her face. Holly hadn’t been aware of Kit’s urgency until she looked down and saw her between her legs then felt the wet cool tip of her tongue on the root of her pulsing clit.

Holly moaned her approval and granted her entrance by widening her stance. If Kit weren’t there to keep her from falling forward she certainly would have fallen over from the sexy lightheadedness that washed over her as she felt Kit’s sweet lips on hers.

Kit made Holly back up until her legs touched the armchair behind them. Holly fell into it with a flop. Without wasting any more time Kit pushed Holly’s leg up to rest on the arm of the chair. Holly watched drunk with pleasure. She saw Holly’s hands spread wide over the back of one thigh and over the top of another. Kit allowed her fingers to creep through the thick strands of Holly’s pubic hair in search of a better view of what she had tasted.

She wanted to see it. She needed to watch it swell from Holly’s excited pulse. When she found it she held the labia firmly apart. It was beautifully pink. A fragrant offering of Holly’s body and Kit intended to worship it. She had no intention of taking her time or teasing Holly. Anything leading up to this moment had been the tease. That time had passed. It was time to make her desire for Holly known, with her touch.

Kit patted the tightly sharp end of her tongue upon the sweet entrance of Holly’s pussy. Holly groaned and made an attempt to raise her hips into her. Kit held her down with her forearms. It encouraged her. Knowing that she wanted more made her want to give her more. More is what Holly got.

Kit wagged her tongue left and right against the sugary folds. She ignored the pulsing pearl throned above them for a while, until even she couldn’t wait to feel Holly’s reaction. When she touched lightly against it Holly arched her back. She sighed. She groaned. She moved her body in a dance of need.

Holly brushed the strands away from Kit’s face so that she could see her work. Kit paused and looked at Holly. They smiled at one another.

“Let me try this new toy.”

Kit held out her hand for the lube. She held it high above Holly’s crotch. It came out in a tiny stream. Ribbons of shiny moisture pooled on the hood of Holly’s clit then ran down over the rest of her pink pussy.

Holly wiggled and moaned. She enjoyed the feeling of the cool liquid on her hot steamy crotch.

“P.A.U.L, come to me.”

He walked over to her. She watched the muscles of his legs flinch and ripple. Strength oozed from him. The knowledge of a strong body bringing her to orgasm excited her. The other ladies watched with interest.

When he stopped in front of the chair she commanded, “P.A.U.L, kneel down.”

He responded.

“P.A.U.L, lick my pussy and fuck me good with that toy on your face.” Her words were strained behind her anticipation.

P.A.U.L’s eyes locked on hers as he bent his head down to her pussy. The tip of the toy pressed hard into the top of her pussy. He slid the length of it down between her lips.

Kit leaned in to watch Holly’s lips part. The shaft of the toy mashed her delicate lips, splaying them out around it. She wondered if maybe it could have hurt, but Holly closed her eyes and made a heated moan.

P.A.U.L stopped with the tip on the ridge of her clit. He popped the head up and down very nearly pressing it into her before pulling out to touch her clit again. Over and over he did this until Holly was twisting and writhing more than she had before. Her pert breast shook with her motion. Tempted, Kit leaned in to kiss one.

The unexpected contact sent Holly’s head reeling. Her nipple grew stiff inside Kit’s mouth. All of the sensations at once drove Holly closer and closer. Her body tingled with every touch. She was unable to separate one contact from another. It all melded within her to flow underneath the surface, like a river of lava.

“Oh that looks so lovely.” Marlene said petting the soft curls from P.A.U.L’s face.

P.A.U.L began to use his tongue against her clit. Holly lost herself in the pleasures he gave her. His tongue pressed against her, explored and danced along every slick inch of her pussy. When she thought that maybe that was the best of it P.A.U.L thrust the toy inside. She pushed Kit back from her so that she could see what was happening to her.

P.A.U.L’s eyes were still focused on her. His mouth was positioned over the top of her pussy in a lazy “O”. It was ready to devour her. He moved the toy back and forth then randomly pressed it deep within her. The curvature began massaging the origin of her deepest orgasm. As it was thrust deep within her his tongue and lips worked over her clit.

“Come here Debra.” Marlene pulled Debra close against her own body so that she could have a nice view of P.A.U.L’s performance. “Look how well he’s programmed to use this toy. There is nothing doll like in that tongue.”

“No. There certainly isn’t.” She watched the toy inch deeper and deeper than retreat into more shallow strokes. Strands of glistening moisture mixed with lube and Holly’s natural honey stretched then coated P.A.U.L’s face.

“Can’t wait for your turn can you.”

Debra was mesmerized by the action. She could hear the juicy contact of the toy and P.A.U.L’s mouth. All she could do was shake her head in response.

“Let’s not let Holly be the only one to have all the fun.” Janelle said wagging the ebony 2444 in front of her face. She sat down on the floor beside Debra and Marlene then offered Debra the first taste.

Debra remembered it had once been shiny and wet with Janelle’s mouth so she willingly took the first lick. Debra made her tongue glide over every thick inch deliberately slow. Before she could get to the top, Janelle leaned in and closed her lips around the thick helmet.

Holly’s voice called their attention back to the armchair.

“P.A.U.L deeper. P.A.U.L faster.”

Obediently he performed every action on command with an undying will to please.

Holly reached out her hand toward Kit’s chest. Kit arched her back to point her breast into Holly’s waiting fingers. Her touch danced over her areole and breast like a tiny fairy leaving a sweet pixie dust of arousal behind.

Kit needed it. She couldn’t resist rubbing herself through her panties. The cotton crotch was thoroughly wet aiding her fingers to slide against her throbbing clit. It ached. She wanted Holly now more than ever. Seeing her in the heat of the moment drove her mad.

Holly was watching Kit through half closed eyes. Holly took hold of Kit behind the neck. She brought her down for a kiss. Her lips were pouty and moist. They kissed long and deep. Their mouths watering as each of their tongues explored almost to deeply.

Holly’s lips were tiny delectable gifts to Kit. She slowed her inner need enough to enjoy them and not crush them with the force brewing deep within her. It ebbed slightly but only for a moment. When Holly pushed her tongue in again the want was back again heavier than before. She needed more of Holly. She pulled back from their kiss before powerful need consumed the very pleasure she held so dear.

“P.A.U.L stop.” Holly said.

And he did. He sank back onto his haunches to wait for his next command.

Kit shed her panties and climbed into the chair to straddle Holly. The moment her pussy touched Holly’s she whispered, “This is what I’ve wanted.”

Holly nodded. She took Kit’s sultry form in by touch, stroking her long slender fingers over the womanly swells of Kit’s body. Her breast hung heavy on her chest. Large nipples, stretched unresponsive across the points, but the areolas were pink and perfect targets for pinching. Holly reached up and did just that. The pinch bolted straight through Kit’s body sending her bottom and crotch down. Holly lifted her hips up until she felt Kit’s soaked lips open against her own. They both moaned into each other’s lips as they joined their chests and began to kiss. They bumped and slipped around together like that for several minutes until Holly broke their kiss and gave P.A.U.L another command.

“P.A.U.L, fuck our holes with that toy.”

The two pushed their lower halves down closer to the edge of the chair to meet the first thrust of P.A.U.L’s face. The toy slipped between them and his nose bumped against Kit’s pussy.

“Oh!” they both exclaimed together.


The trio of Janelle, Debra and Marlene giggled at the sight then turned quickly back to their own mischief. Janelle held the toy out to Marlene as an invitation for her to join them. Marlene’s eyes flashed and she smiled. Her tongue slipped passed her full lips to taste where the two women had just licked. She opened her mouth wide over the tip. Janelle responded by inching the head into her mouth. Marlene’s eyes closed. She enjoyed her mouth being filled. Janelle attempted to pull it from her sexy lips but Debra added her own hand to aid in pushing the rubbery shaft into the newest hole. Marlene’s eyes narrowed, not in anger, but with approval at the challenge.

Both women eased the black replicated penis into Marlene’s willing mouth. Debra and Janelle knelt hip to hip in between Marlene’s legs, which were spread eagle on the floor. Their fingers laced together around the thick base. Both of their eyes were hooded, overcome with the expertise Marlene displayed. They watched, utterly captivated by the way she devoured each black inch. Her voluptuous lips enveloped the shaft with greedy, hungry motions. Debra and Janelle began to slide their bodies next to one another, their breasts rubbing, their hips bumping. It became a dance as they matched the rhythm of fucking Marlene’s hot mouth.

All the ladies in the room cooed and moaned in an orchestra of sound. It was a lustful symphony of genital tingling perfection. Holly was screaming and bucking on the armchair, while wet noises and low groans from Marlene typified what was most erotic and sensual. That alone heightened the women’s arousal.

When Marlene soon reached the point on the cock where Janelle had gagged they both stopped pushing any further. Marlene took hold of both their wrist and guided it the rest of the way in. A finger’s width of space was all that refused to enter Marlene’s throat. Several dribbles of saliva seeped out the corners of Marlene’s mouth landing on the tops of her breasts like bubbled raindrops.

Not a tear shed. Not a shudder of reflex did Marlene make as she swallowed. She tilted her head back a bit for them to see the muscle work in her throat.

“That’s fucking hot.” Janelle said, her eyes wild and sparkling.

They withdrew the dildo. It was shining and completely covered in saliva. Strands of it looped and connected back to Marlene’s mouth.

Debra pounced on Marlene like a hungry animal to gobble up the splashes that landed on the soft mounds of Marlene’s tits. Marlene’s chest heaved as she regained her composure. Debra positioned herself on Marlene’s lap. She sat there basting her tongue over the smooth luscious tops.

“Yes. Yes. Yes.” Marlene murmured over and over.

Janelle moved to Marlene’s back. With tender care she began to unlace the tight corset. Her hands couldn’t move fast enough. She had to see all of her caramel skin, bare it for her viewing pleasure. She needed to remind herself what every inch of that tattoo looked like and press it into her own flesh.


When she reached the final wrung, the corset fell away. It was only partially held up by Marlene’s bent arms. Debra’s mouth quickly seized Marlene’s newly exposed breasts. She sucked and nibbled the chocolate toned centers, each in turn. She brought them to erect points with her tongue. The three women moaned in unison. Janelle lent her hands to press the perfect pair of breast together for more of Debra’s attention. Janelle massaged them while Debra insatiably nibbled, licked and sucked until Marlene was a quivering mass of live nerve endings.

Marlene lifted her hips until her pelvis collided with Debra’s, signaling that she wanted more then just her breast tended to.

Marlene stood long enough for the trio to free themselves of their frocks. As she waited for Marlene to reassume her position on the floor she noticed that Kit had taken the opportunity to be singularly pleasured by P.A.UL.

“Yummy.” Debra raised an eyebrow.

Janelle and Marlene glanced over and shrugged. Janelle took a position behind Marlene. She allowed her to rest her head back into her lower stomach and thigh. Absently, Marlene reached up with her right hand and caressed Janelle’s breast then beckoned Debra between her legs with her.

“My pleasure.” Debra said eyeing the sweet box of chocolate before her. She sank to her knees then laid on her tummy to be in perfect proximity. She could see Marlene’s body tense. Marlene was for the first time all evening anxious and no longer in control. That spilled into Debra like a fine liquor. She drank from that and it fueled her to take her time, to draw out this play and turn Marlene into her pet.

Debra caressed over the bald top of Marlene’s pussy. A ragged breath escaped and Marlene turned her face into Janelle’s inner thigh. She bit down softly and Janelle praised her.

“That’s good.”

Marlene tucked her hands behind her knees to bring them up and apart. Without a word she delivered the message of what she wanted. She laid out the delicious peach for Debra’s taking and Debra couldn’t refuse. The position pulled slightly on the lips that had once left her inner sweetness hidden. Enticed beyond comprehension Debra took the bait and lowered herself to Marlene’s mound to kiss only the top. Then, Debra opened the dark curtain of Marlene’s inner lips to lick away the large collection of essence waiting for her. She licked and licked and licked until Marlene’s murmurs turned to shouts of “yes” and “fuck yes”. Debra shortened her licks to inundated Marlene’s clit with the contact of her tongue. Fast-fast-slow-fast-fast-slow was how Debra worked. Debra sucked. Debra pleased until she tasted the difference in Marlene’s juice. Smelt it thicken slightly. Felt it ooze.


Marlene’s body tensed with the first onset of an orgasm. Debra held her face down in her pussy as long as she could until the motion of Marlene’s hips became too forceful against her nose and lips. All she could do was close her fingers around the fat engorged labia and work the rock hard tip of Marlene’s clit. Her orgasm slowed but Debra felt that there would be another close behind.

Debra rose. Pleased after the long drink from her pet’s cup and offered it to Janelle. Janelle positioned Marlene on the floor to take her place between Marlene’s legs. On all fours she sweetly caressed Marlene’s ultra sensitive pussy with her fingertips. As gently as she knew how she penetrated Marlene with two fingers. They were instantly coated and slid easily along the warm swollen walls. Janelle only needed to push a few times before Marlene was cumming again. Marlene’s orgasm was so much stronger now. The muscles inside clenched so hard around her fingers. Janelle could barely keep them inside. Marlene’s body was tense and quivering for several minutes. Her face went from an expression of agony to one of relaxed bliss.

Janelle smiled down at her as she licked her fingers clean. For half a second she considered bending her head back down between Marlene’s legs just to have the full on taste of her for herself but Debra drew her into a hug and laid a kiss tinted with Marlene’s flavor on her waiting mouth.

They had been the only two left on the doorstep of satisfaction’s door. With one lingering kiss they crossed the threshold. Each woman’s hands made a searing path to the others crotch. Nimble fingers knocked and warm, soft, aching sounds answered. Patiently, familiarly their fingers greeted the deepest realms of each other. They continued to kiss alternating between soft nibbles on lower lips and deep kisses. Debra’s tongue seemed to extend in an invisible tendril through Janelle’s body. It touched places lower within her with the same passion as her tongue.

Together they broke the kiss to look into each other’s face. Debra’s eyes smoldered under the gaze of Janelle’s dark eyes.

“Oh!” was the only word spoken as they each began to cum. They collapsed into each other’s arms there on their knees in the middle of the faux Oriental rug in their friend’s living room.

The room was silent. The performance was over. But each aria remained as a glow that kissed each of the woman’s skin. They all sat in the quiet aftermath, sometimes looking one to the other, other times staring off into a snapshot of what had just occurred. At their own pace each woman left the room for the bathroom and returned fully dressed disguised as the women the world knew them to be.

P.A.U.L was dismissed from further service as Marlene made a request for the women to fill out their order forms. As they turned them over to Marlene they made their way out the door and headed home.

Marlene began to pack up when Holly finally spoke.

“What was the success for P.A.U.L this evening.”


Marlene flipped through the order forms then smiled.

“Doesn’t appear that he was as big of a hit as I would have guessed.”

Holly shrugged. “Perhaps he isn’t as well equipped as the R&D Department once thought. Or just doesn’t have the right equipment.”

“You seemed to have enjoyed him.”

Holly blushed slightly. “I’m not sure it was just P.A.U.L.”

Marlene nodded. “Same time next month? Different group?”

“Nah,” Holly said. “We’ve got chemistry.”




I'm not really, at this point, concerned about nit-picky SPAG stuff (but if it effected the readability or if it bugged you so much you can't help but say something then lay it on me).

A few things I'm interested in getting impressions about:

* How is it flowing? Is it too long?

* Are there too many women involved? If so, is it because you have a hard time keeping them straight as you read through?

* Should I delete P.A.U.L?

*What do you think about the way the women were introduced. Originally I had only put in one line about what they did for a living and their hair color to maintain a level of "distance". Having a little light shone on them does it diminish that distance at all (if it was even achieved ::smirk:: )

* I feel like Debra is my stand out. Should it be Holly since she is the hostess or does it matter?

* Was POV pretty consistent?

* What are your feelings about the sex? Was it pretty decent or just something you felt you had to trudge through?
 
a remark

i haven't analyzed the entire story, but i thought i'd make a quick comment. although the story is a bit adjective-rich for me--i'm a minimalist--you're to be applauded in the erotic imagination department. from my pov, it's unusual to have females eroticizing the 'deep throat', 'forced' insertion and so on. from my sheltered past, i thought that was pretty much a male pre-occupation or fantasy.

just goes to show you that female appreciation of 'kink' is not to underestimated.

:rose:
 
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i haven't analyzed the entire story, but i thought i'd make a quick comment.


Pure.

Why do I, as of late, get the feeling that you are picking on me. As if you want to rub my nose in something for no reason.

I feel like if you aren't going to take the time to read it all and provide input based on the areas I'm concerned with + what your overall impressions were with the entire work I would prefer you didn't post anything at all.

Please, pass it up if my postings aren't something you are interested in looking at.
 
Scarlet, you asked, in the first posting,

* What are your feelings about the sex? Was it pretty decent or just something you felt you had to trudge through?

My comment--which was positive, incidentally--goes to those questions.

Readers/commenters/critics are not obliged to deal with an author's whole list of questions, but I hope that some others address your other questions since your story deserves it.

Best,
:)
----

PS.
As to another question,
* Should I delete P.A.U.L?

No, in my opinion; much action is centered on him. Yet I would make him, if not physically, otherwise less perfect, for example, in comprehension. Since PAUL is partly a humorous creation, occasional mistakes in his comprehending commands--to take one example--might be amusing. Even humans mistake directions, as in the classic joke of the carpenter who says to her helper: "I'm going to hold the nail. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer."





Scarlet said in full, last posting,

Pure.

Why do I, as of late, get the feeling that you are picking on me. As if you want to rub my nose in something for no reason.

I feel like if you aren't going to take the time to read it all and provide input based on the areas I'm concerned with + what your overall impressions were with the entire work I would prefer you didn't post anything at all.

Please, pass it up if my postings aren't something you are interested in looking at.
 
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Scarlet
I've taken a read and will come back to this later in the week. Just wanted to let you know someone is looking. Be good.

W
 
Analysis: Goodbye Tupperware, by N.B.

This is the story of an all-woman sex-toys party, turned into sensual orgy with participation of a cyborg (P.A.U.L), who generally contributes a humorous and semi-satiric touch. It achieves a moderate 'hotness', for this reader, in its main, human-human sex scenes, which show good erotic imagination.

Generally, mechanical problems do distract (SPAG, so called). Additionally word choice and sometimes over indulgent, adjective-heavy style lessen the impact. In short, there are issues for a proofreader/copy editor.

Looking at the big picture, the piece is straightforward, woman-oriented porn, and has to be judged in those terms. (I don't think I'd call it 'lesbian oriented'--see below.) For instance, the questions of character become of no consequence. For me, only the Marlene character exists. The others do have jobs and physical descriptions (luscious, beautiful, blonde, red head, etc.) but only differ a little in personality [a couple are slightly more outgoing than the others]. As porn characters, the central personality characteristic is avidity for sex, and deep sensuality. Emotion is not much present.

However, in porn terms, some variety besides dress and hair color would enhance the effect: for instance, had one woman been genuinely shy.

It's worth mentioning that the 'orientation' of all the women appears to me to be 'straight looking/acting' bisexual. Debra is mentioned as having a 'lifeless' husband.' The women complain about men. Again, some variety would, imo, be in order: If, say one were quite straight, but getting seduced, and say, a pair of others were clearly lesbian, perhaps a committed pair, but induced, by the orgy, to sample. There are possibilities of emotional pairing, straight or lesbian, because in an orgy one's partner and 'true love' gets it from others.

I've already remarked on P.A.U.L., and there are possibilities there; imo, Paul is just too perfectly human. He gets only one strange command wrong: "Do our holes." There are humorous mis-comprehension possibilities that the author does not exploit much. For instance, had Paul replied or signaled "Sure, get me a Y shaped dong, and I'll be happy to."

Part of the potential of an orgy is the crossing of pre-set lines, set characters, and limits. For example when a 'straight' woman is drawn into 'lesbian' acts (so called). Or when a person never anally penetrated, allows that. Here, all are equal masters of eating pussy, rubbing off, and most everybody does everybody and enjoys it, and doing it while watched. This is a porn fantasy of several sexually voracious and uninhibited women who just 'do it.'

Structurally, the story is reasonably well done, in my opinion. There is a kind of buildup or progress towards two central, climactic episodes: 1) In the first, Kit eats Holly; P.A.U.L does it to H with the chin dildo, then Kit and Holly finish it off.

2) In the second, the apparent, main climax, Marlene takes a giant dildo way deep in the throat (Deb and Jan thrusting), then is 'done' by first Deb, then Janelle. This is quite hot and imaginative, for me. A fine effort by the author.

It's worth remarking that an early preparatory scene, at least as hot, has Deb thrusting a dildo far into Janelle's throat. But Janelle eventually gags. This episode, because it surprises the reader a bit, is one of the author's best efforts, in my view.

Both throatings are described well, and the author seems to appreciate the sensual qualities of saliva, strands, slime, etc.

Coming back to the 'first' climactic scene, it's overshadowed in a way. The author trumps it, in the second scene, the taking of Marlene, perhaps because the reader has more of a sense of Marlene. (IOW, the cyborg main scene[1)] is not as effective as the next scene [2).)

I guess there is a general problem of orgy stories, in that a-b-c-d doing it, followed by w-x-y-z doing it, can get boring. It's hard to progress, except by the standard formula: At the end, of most or all people are finally 'doing it' together, a-b-c-d-x-y-z.

Another way would be to have the sex much different; let the first be lots of eating and pussy rubbing; but the second be that plus fingering of asses, pissing, etc.

In all, the structuring, while evident, has its problems. But in defense, most porn stories are simply acts strung together for the readers' arousal; so perhaps the author is not to be held to a much higher standard. To her credit, she does set a scene, and her two climactic scenes do come off, both intrinsically, and as part of the overall narrative thrust. (Though the second is better, imo.)

I have answered some of the author's questions in an earlier posting, and some, above, but to recapitulate (and revise one earlier answer):

[Scarlet's questions are asterisked]
.* How is it flowing? Is it too long?

[Pure's replies are marked by > at the beginning]

>Flow is OK. Not too long, imo. Structure issues covered above-- climaxes of the story.



* Are there too many women involved? If so, is it because you have a hard time keeping them straight as you read through?

>No, five is doable, in theory; but, as said above, they are too similar in many ways, differing only, porno style (blonde, brunette, redhead). Their occupations never become relevant. As I see it.

* Should I delete P.A.U.L?

>Earlier, I said 'no', but on second thought he does not really add much, except provide a topic of conversation. His role in the 'first climax' had possibilities; but the author essentially throws him aside, and thus lost some of them: He does not even figure in what I take to be the main [2)]climax. So, overall, I'd say, yes, as he is, he's a bit dispensable; better would be that he's 're tooled' a lot, and kept. If he's eliminated, some other gadget could be a topic (indeed a chin dildo itself has lots of possibilities that the author does not exploit [human to human]).

*What do you think about the way the women were introduced. Originally I had only put in one line about what they did for a living and their hair color to maintain a level of "distance". Having a little light shone on them does it diminish that distance at all (if it was even achieved ::smirk:: )

> The introductions are very similar and 'pornish'. The sexuality is a main focus, besides looks, and because it's a woman centered story, the clothing is described in great detail. Despite the differences of occupation, these are not much correlated with, or manifest in personality. Deb is a bit more outgoing and directive; Marlene is masterful, but that's about it. Each character has to be knitted together. If one is a teacher, have her be easily intimidated by the class, *and hence intimidated by public sex.*

*I feel like Debra is my stand out. Should it be Holly since she is the hostess or does it matter.

Answered: Marlene most stands out, for me. Best integrated.

* Was POV pretty consistent?

>Reasonably, but getting into the minds of five persons at an orgy is somewhat distracting. That is why a true omniscient narrator who peers into everyone's head is NOT common, esp. in porn and erotica. There is the related issue, of how to WRITE complex scenes: for all group scenes, one has keep the people's actions straight. That is handled reasonably well, in general. In the following scene of two persons, however, I felt myself making an effort, as a reader:


They walked toward each other. Holly stood slightly smaller than Kit’s 5’7” frame when she kicked off her shoes. Kit moved her hands down Holly’s sides to reach for the excess shirt material tucked into her jeans. With one quick tug the hem sprang from the waist. She continued pulling until the shirt was removed. Holly’s dark wavy hair flew up into the air behind it and landed in a random heap on top of her head.

Holly shook the stray strands away from her face, smiling brightly over Kit’s shoulder at their audience. Kit was oblivious to any other eyes but Holly’s. She stepped closer to gain access to the clasp of her* bra. Reaching for it she pulled Holly into her*. The full mounds of her* breasts pressed into hers*. Their peaks touched. Kit’s nipples hardened slowly in response.


>{{focussing on Holly, the scene is reasonably clear, but note that 'her' is alternately Holly and Kit. ('her bra' is Holly's;
'to her' is Kit) }}

Holly turned her head to nuzzle her nose into Kit’s hair. A sweet earthy fragrance wafted through her senses. She felt any hint of tension leave her body on a long boat ride to another place, leaving her to wade through the wake of Kit’s awakening exploration.

>{{this para requires more reader effort, since 'she' ('she felt' is Holly) is Holly, and all 'hers' are Holly, I think.}}

Kit unhooked her bra then massaged her hands over the embossed flesh. It was warm and pink from the restrictive fabric. Kit pulled Holly closer to her body with every gentle caress. Holly didn’t resist. Her legs became willowy. She hadn’t expected to respond this way but was in no way going to fight such a heady experience. She nuzzled further down into Kit hair, feeling her way down to her neck where the more potent amounts of that sweet earthiness laid soaked into her skin.

>{{his para takes even more effort, since 'her' (in 'her bra') is Holly, but 'her' in the same sentence ('her hands'); I would have replaced the first 'her' with 'Holly'}}

Holly’s breathing quickened. The scent of Kit’s neck coursed through her, mixing with her blood, filling her with a desire she’d long ignored. She closed her eyes to block out any other unnecessary sensory stimuli in an effort not to interfere with the most important ones, Kit’s touch and the smell of her skin.

>{{Here the focus has shifted primarily to Holly, which is understandable. All 'her' s are Holly.}}

Kit released her.

In all, some effort is required of the reader, although it's moderately clear.

* What are your feelings about the sex? Was it pretty decent or just something you felt you had to trudge through?

>Hot episodes are noted above. Good imagination. And even more variety would add to the 'hotness.'

=====

IN conclusion. Aside from issues of mechanics and word choice, the work, as a 'woman orgy' described pornographically, has several strengths in the erotism department and achieves real 'hotness' at times, for me, as male reader. The author worked at setting, structure, and progress of action, well beyond the usual, 'series of random acts approach' of porn. The author made genuine efforts at character, and the work could benefit, imo, from more of that, beyond occupation, particularly as character might influence action.

The work would benefit, in many parts, by more sexual variety, and the author seems to have an imaginative capacity for that. The realm of feelings and emotions could likewise be more developed, in my view.

Here, it's a standard orgy outcome that everyone is fucked silly, physically satisfied, and heads home. (Contrast: X is a little surprised, maybe even upset that her partner responded so much to 'throating' while previously having expressed aversion to it.) I believe the author, based on this good story, has the ability to meet all of these challenges.

(I hope the above analysis full enough, and hope that others will give the work some serious attention and thought.)

{edited slightly, 11-09-05, 7:10 pm EST}
 
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How is it flowing?

I found the flow rough, especially early when the action was interrupted at regular intervals to provide character descriptions, such as this:

Marlene had worked hard over the last few years to reach the level of success with Eve-ning’s Gift. She had earned every tattooed ivy leaf and bloom as recognition of her sales-womanship. She had seen many events like the one tonight and enjoyed every single one immensely.

The trick to gaining huge sales and repeat customers was to drill into the sexpot in each woman with whatever toy it took. These were Level Two women she was dealing with tonight. These women had seen many wonderful toys, lotions and potions, but they needed to see something spectacular in order for Marlene to get into their minds as well as their wallets.


and this:

Holly Martin was the area’s maven of entertaining. If she had an ounce of backing, and more importantly, the desire, she could possibly topple the reigning experts on modern hosting.

Instead, she was happy being the one-two-punch that was Mr. And Mrs. Martin. She had supported her husband’s career by flawlessly throwing intimate dinner parties and holiday get-togethers to numerous suited gentlemen and their spouses. Many, she’s sure, gained her husband the fast ascent to the prestigious position at his firm.

Tonight was a casual affair, a night for herself and her closets girlfriends. Despite this she was unable to turn off the Mr. Martin’s well-practiced responses. She turned her attention to Marlene.


The pattern of character introduction is a natural one to use: name the character, then a description and a brief history. It works in a practical sense, but it makes for ho-hum reading, at least for me.



Is it too long?

For me, it might be too short. It's really just a scene and nothing really changes. There is also a certain amount of tellyness to it, such as:

She projected the air of gracious hostess by feigning her embarrassment.

They were a tight group.

A common thread bound their varying backgrounds together.

The sound, the sight, the knowledge excited her.

An undeniable energy pulsed around the room.

Each woman was a lightning rod for unrequited sexual vigor.

Resistance played over Holly’s face.


Telling is almost always easier, and quicker, than showing. When I catch myself doing this, I take it as a sign that I'm trying to move the story along faster than I should.

On the other hand, showing can be efficient too. This image says a lot in precious few words: The women inched to the edge of their seats.


Are there too many women involved? If so, is it because you have a hard time keeping them straight as you read through?

For me, yes, there are too many women involved. What might have helped would have been to start the story a little sooner when one of the women is first invited. Show me how she reacts and then keep the focus on her and whomever she interacts with. My preference would be Janelle.


Should I delete P.A.U.L?

Keep him. He's a clever addition and you made it even more clever the women not finding him the life of the party. I thought it a nice touch that he is equipped with fully articulated fingers. That said, his 'demonstration' did nothing for me.

A minor note, well-known abbreviations, like USAF, are most often seen without punctuation. Not that P.A.U.L. is well-known, but I'd consider going with just PAUL.


What do you think about the way the women were introduced? Originally I had only put in one line about what they did for a living and their hair color to maintain a level of "distance". Having a little light shone on them does it diminish that distance at all (if it was even achieved

I think I answered this above in the question about flow.



I feel like Debra is my stand out. Should it be Holly since she is the hostess or does it matter?

I don't see why it matters whether it's the host or not, but I agree that one woman, or maybe two, should be the focus.



Was POV pretty consistent?

No. I thought it was intentionally the opposite. Or perhaps I'm misinterpreting what 'consistent' means in this context?



What are your feelings about the sex? Was it pretty decent or just something you felt you had to trudge through?

I had to trudge.




The problem I had with the story is, no pun intended, there is no problem. None of the women have a dilemma. Because of this, there is no tension and I really didn't care what happened. In this manner, it's much like the stories in which a happy couple have wonderful sex; I'm always left thinking, 'Yeah, that's nice. So what?'

In spite of my reservations, I thought there were some nice touches.

“Is it hot in here all of the sudden?” Janelle shook herself out of the cream sweater she wore over a business style button down blouse.
and
“But isn’t it just a doll? If I wanted to hump a hunk of lifeless flesh I’d fuck my husband.”

I've not been to a sex toy party, but I have been to several rowdy bridal showers and little things like the above just felt right.

The early gagging scene between Debra and Janelle was as close as the story ever came to moving me. I was willing to believe that Janelle might try it and that Debra might push it a little farther than Janelle wanted, or thought she wanted. For me the characters really came alive in this steamy little exchange. I think I should have enjoyed a tale in which nothing else happened at the party and then these two got together later.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny
 
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Rhythm and Flow

I'm sorry, but to me, it came across as very choppy and staccato, without establishing a sense of flow and transition between the paragraphs. I know that one of the standard rules for writing for online reading is to keep the paragraphs short(er) and to avoid large blocks of text, but these seemed overly short and truncated to me.

Also, the introduction seemed to throw a bunch of characters at us without much context and in a rather jumpy manner. A name and a brief description of career and hairstyle doesn't leave much of an impression. I would suggest bringing each character to life as they have something important to contribute to the scene, and not right up front.

I think, too, that there are many characters competing for our attention, without enough depth to make them special and "alive" to the reader. I had a hard time keeping them all straight.

I will reread it again later, and offer some additonal comments, too.


Sin.
 
The problem with this story—for me, at least—is that it has no emotional focus. In fact, aside from a few wisps of lust and sexual excitement, there's no emotion in it whatsoever, and that makes it all seem flat and unengaging, no matter how wild and woolly the sex gets. I watched these women doing this and that and the other, but I didn't really care. It's what I think of as "descriptive porn", a recounting of who did what to whom without any emotional connection or affect. That has the result of turning all these women into living parodies of PAUL. They're sex dolls, not people.

It's a very carefully written story, and there are certainly some nice touches. I liked the humor when one of them said that if they wanted to be fucked by a "hunk of lifeless flesh, " they'd just go to their husband. I liked the perceptivity that followed Janelle's experience with the dildo:

Janelle smiled over to them, checking for escaping mascara under her eyes.

That's of course just what she would have done, and little details like that are worth their weight in gold, but overall we have a bunch of horny lesbians masturbating together. And I say masturbating because they're certainly not making love. Making love implies desire and feeling, and aside from a few brief mentions like this one,

Debra felt the need to lick the length of the shaft, taste the inside of Janelle’s mouth.

we're not aware of any feeling between these women. I suppose there's some attraction, based on their looks, but that just makes their motivation seem even more shallow and superficial.

This emotional remoteness and the cold, clinical nature of the sex are, in fact, the very theme of the story. Holly apparently has no problem fucking PAUL, who's nothing but a big slab of plastic, and it's apparently good enough to make her come. I had a hard time believing this:
.
He walked over to her. She watched the muscles of his legs flinch and ripple. Strength oozed from him. The knowledge of a strong body bringing her to orgasm excited her. The other ladies watched with interest.[my emphasis]

Machines aren't "strong." They may be powerful, but strength is a human quality, a combination of muscle and will. If you'd said, "The knowledge of a powerful, artificial body bringing her to orgasm…", then I might have had some interest in just what it was about fucking a robot that turned her on so much—does she hate men? or like the feeling of control? or the perversity of sex with a machine?—but no, she has a stock orgasm, no questions asked, while her friends look on, not with salacious excitement and glowing eyes, but with "interest," as if she might have been changing a tire. Her pussy might be engaged, but her feelings aren't, and neither are the feelings of her friends. This is a cold bunch of women.

In my opinion, fiction is friction. What draws us in and keeps us reading are the emotions of the characters rubbing up against each other. We want to see the characters emotionally involved on some level—either with each other, or with the main problem in the story, or with the bad guys—but we need that emotional friction. That's what interests us, and a story succeeds or fails insofar as it engages our emotions and makes us care. A story about unfeeling robots is not an interesting story, and these women are pretty robotic.

I don't mean to beat you over the head with this, but the main problem of the story jumped out at me with such clarity that I had to mention it.

I've decided, in fact, that what makes porn sexy is not so much what the characters do—who puts what in where—but what that doing reveals about their feelings for one another. A brutal mouth fuck says one thing, gentle loving says another. When Marlene goes down on that dildo, you have saliva dribbling from her mouth. That's sexy because it suggests to us what a violation of her body it is, and that she wants it so much that her hunger turns her into a drooling slob, stripping her of her dignity. It shows us her lust and need without telling us about it. That's sexy. That's how porn should work.

The hottest stories are the ones where you can tell what the characters are feeling through the way they make love and the things they do. Read this story again and see if you can tell what the characters are feeling in the way they have sex. Outside of being horny and wanting to come, I'll bet you can't. Being horny and wanting to come is sufficient motivation for most of the stories on Lit, but I think you're better than that.

As far as story structure and strategy goes, you've picked something that, in my opinion at least, is one of the most difficult things to write about—a party or group scene with a lot of characters. It's very difficult to establish a sense of identity in a party scene—to create a sense in the reader's mind of who's who. Most authors try to do this by using physical description and a little background, which is what you've done here, and I think that hardly ever works. One description blurs into another, and their backgrounds—whether they're a CEO or a high school teacher or a cop—is quickly forgotten as we look for the action in the story. We easily forget what we've been told in a story. We only remember what we see for ourselves.

Therefore, I think you have a much better chance of creating distinct characters if you concentrate on the way they act in the here and now rather than on how they look. If you tell me that so-and-so is young and blonde, I'll forget it immediately. Hair color just isn't very important. But if you can convince me that she's a California surfer-girl type in the way she acts, then I'll fill in the details myself and help you write the story—the blonde hair and blue eyes and bikini-ready body.

Personally, I couldn't really tell one woman from another, except for Marlene, who consistently used her saleswoman's spiel, and Holly, who you successfully planted in my mind as a social-climber.

I was surprised at the way things happened. I mean, we opened with a bunch of nice, successful, middle-class women at a sexual Tupperware party, and then suddenly at the sight of a dildo or two they're all over each other like Pavlov's dogs. It seemed obvious to me that they'd been intimate with each other before, but if so, why didn't they act like it at the start, kibitzing with each other and flirting? Or, if they haven't had sex with each other before, how do we explain the fact that they're suddenly turned into a pack of drooling lesbians?

The other big problem in a party scene is focus, and this is where almost all party scenes fail. In my opinion, the only way to pull off a party scene is to pick out one person and show the action through her eyes, or at least make her your point of view. Then, instead of floating around from person to person like some confusing home video, we see the scene from a central reference point. The other character's actions have implications and emotional weight because we have an "interpreter," a home base, a point of reference.

Editors hate what they call "head hopping," the act of shifting POV's in a story. We're told what A feels, then what B feels, and what C thinks, and suddenly we're lost: whose story is this? Who's important and who's not? You don't have to head-hop in a story or even in a party scene. If Marlene's the POV character and you want to show us that Holly's getting all excited about PAUL getting ready to face-fuck her, then just show us Holly's wide eyes and her fingers digging into the cushion of the chair, her stomach knotting in anticipatory tension. We'll not only know what she's feeling, but the act of interpreting those visual signal helps pull us into the story and make us part of it. That's what's behind the "show, don't tell" dictum.

There's one other thing you have to do to give this story emotional focus—present us with a problem or issue that needs to be solved right at the beginning, hopefully one of an emotional nature. That's going to supply the dramatic thrust and narrative direction of the story and glue everything together and make it feel like a story rather than a report.

For instance, what if Marlene had the hots for Holly and was going to use this party as a way of seducing her? Maybe her friends are in on it, maybe not, but rght away we're presented with an emotional problem—how's Marlene going to get what she wants? Now suddenly every action has meaning and context. We can feel Marlene's desire and Holly's reticence. We can line up the other characters as for or against—maybe one of them is jealous, maybe one has the hots for Marlene as well and tries to use PAUL to embarrass Holly. But suddenly the story takes on all this emotional richness and tension, and the sex starts to sizzle as the women use it with and against one another and their real character and desires are revealed.

That's what I meant by emotional focus—we'd have a main character for POV, we'd have a problem to give the story direction, and we'd have emotional friction. I think that without these, the story's going to feel loose and disjointed and confused.

I hope you don't think I've come down too hard on you, love, because that wasn't my intention. You’re a fine and capable writer. It's just that it's rare when the problems in a story present themselves so clearly, and so I had to tell you what I thought.

Your questions:

* How is it flowing? Is it too long?

Quite honestly, yes, for me it was. That's because there's no sense of the story moving towards any conclusion. Since there's no initial dramatic conflict presented, these women are just going to screw around all night long. I started feeling, "What's the point?"

* Are there too many women involved? If so, is it because you have a hard time keeping them straight as you read through?

I couldn't keep them straight. I addressed this above, but again, since there's no real conflict in the story or plot, it's hard to know why all these women are here. It just seems like you want to show them all getting off.

* Should I delete P.A.U.L?
He's a problem for me. Obviously, there is no such thing even close to him in reality, and so his appearance kind of ejects the story into the land of fantasy and seems to demand some sort of explanation (why is a sex-toy outfit the only one has has this kind of robotic technology?)

I'm at a loss as to why these women would find it so arousing to be fucked by a machine. That might be an interesting thing to explore—what it is about a man's body that so enhances their experiences—but you avoided mentioning anything about that. You could have had fun making him a satire of the studly man or the slick lover too, but you didn't got that route either. Instead he just seems to be an enormous dildo. Being a man myself, I found it kind of morbid, and I was very interested in knowing what it is about having a man attached to your dildo that makes the experience so much more rewarding--is it a control thing or the physica feel of him or his eyes or what?

But then, I don't understand inflatable love dolls for men either.

*What do you think about the way the women were introduced. Originally I had only put in one line about what they did for a living and their hair color to maintain a level of "distance". Having a little light shone on them does it diminish that distance at all (if it was even achieved ::smirk:: )

I addressed this. I think you have to show us their character, not their appearance.

* I feel like Debra is my stand out. Should it be Holly since she is the hostess or does it matter?

To be honest, I found all the sex pretty uninteresting and started skimming and so I missed any sudden grab of the spotlight by Debra. If she's your standout, you should make her your POV character from the start, otherwise the story's' really up for grabs as far as who it belongs to..

* Was POV pretty consistent?

No. POV was terrible from a head-hopping POV.

* What are your feelings about the sex? Was it pretty decent or just something you felt you had to trudge through?

I trudged. No emotion or desire means no interest for me.
 
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note to mab

if you've ever seen blade runner, you know the possibilities of cyborgs, and the female 'basic pleasure model'. darryl hannah plays one of the advanced models, and sean young is the most advanced so that only an expert (Harrison Ford, the bladerunner) can tell: the dilation and contraction of the pupil in connection with certain scenes of emotion give her away.

notwithstanding that, i think it's a good point in that handsome man X, a fine piece of meat who can't talk, walks into a room and Janelle wants to fuck him (and does it and comes) is just an assumption of a porn fantasy. of course if it's Darryl Hannah and I'm a male presented with the non talking version, there are possibilities!

in defense of the piece it's worth noting, mab, that your average porn story or movie generally has character-less beings, whose only feeling is lust, and who instantly want to fuck anything they run into, be it at a club or on the highway. then they come volcanically.
 
Pure said:
in defense of the piece it's worth noting, mab, that your average porn story or movie generally has character-less beings, whose only feeling is lust, and who instantly want to fuck anything they run into, be it at a club or on the highway. then they come volcanically.
Good point. I think doc and I were both reading this expecting more of a story like in the previous piece with the couple contemplating swinging. If the goal was to generate a quick scene like one from a porn film, then I suppose this piece might work for those readers who enjoy such things.

Interesting bit about the androids. Got me thinking what would I have a handsome robot do and the corny answer is the true answer: the dishes.
 
Pure said:
in defense of the piece it's worth noting, mab, that your average porn story or movie generally has character-less beings, whose only feeling is lust, and who instantly want to fuck anything they run into, be it at a club or on the highway. then they come volcanically.

Well, I've never had anyone show me a piece of fiction and ask, "What can I do to make this story more mediocre?" I've never known anyone to aspire to be the most average writer they can be. I just assume that when someone comes to the SDC, they're looking for the best advice and analysis they can get, and that's what I try to give.

But maybe you're right. I seem to be going off the deep end a lot these days, because "average" porn just doesn't do anything for me anymore, and I find it almost impossible to read. I've been posting stuff here for 4 years now, and maybe it's time to move on.

So I apologize if I was too harsh on the story, but I don't think I could in good conscience lighten up on a critique because, after all, the story's "just porn." I treat every story here like it's something I myself have written that needs fixing, which is maybe not the best way to handle things, but it's the only way I know.

But if you think I'm being unduly harsh, maybe I should just recuse myself from the SDC for a while.
 
You make spendid contributions here, mab. All of us appreciate your presence, and your critiques are both excellent and helpful, IMO.

I was reading some of the 'most read' stories--over 750,000 views. The range of quality from mediocre to excellent is quite spectacular.
 
dr_mabeuse said:
I just assume that when someone comes to the SDC, they're looking for the best advice and analysis they can get, and that's what I try to give.
Ditto.

dr_mabeuse said:
But if you think I'm being unduly harsh, maybe I should just recuse myself from the SDC for a while.
So long as the story, rather than the author, is the subject of all criticism, I don't see how anyone could consider a critique unduly harsh.
 
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Right on, Penny,

Penny said, So long as the story, rather than the author, is the subject of all criticism, I don't see how anyone could consider a critique unduly harsh.

I don't know about 'anyone,' but each critic may be as harsh or negative as s/he feels the story deserves. This is a relatively 'free speech' area and no opinions of stories are controlled; every author who posts should have the maturity to read a statement like "This story does nothing for me, etc." without going off the deep end of anguish or anger. Freedom being granted, a degree of politeness and civility is expected, and that, where possible, some positive observations or recommendations are usually desirable to include in a critique.

Opinions of other persons (their intelligence, schooling, morals, etc.), as P implies, are generally not appropriate, and negative ones, or 'flames' would be against our rules and subject to deletion.

A guiding background rule is that a loosely organized group exists, of people sharing and trying to be helpful to each other. That is our 'business'. No one is required to make friends or be a friend, but even in the absence of friendship, there is an expectation of a 'business like' or factual approach. That means measured, reasoned, opinions backed up with evidence-- presented in a civil manner. Yet no one person, including the moderator can *make* this happen. It depends on the efforts of all.
 
A late response

Hi:

I liked the premise of this story, not least because I know someone who sells adult toys at tupperware-like parties. I asked her once what it was like to hand around big purple cocks, butt plugs and glass dildos in someone's livingroom and she said it was remarkably tame. There was an undercurrent of suppressed excitement, but mostly everyone was calm. That really ruined my fantasy and so I was sorry I'd asked. When I started reading this story I thought perhaps you would have tapped into my lost dream, but alas, like several of the other readers who have already commented, I found myself skimming toward the end to get it over with.

Why?

I read it for the first time this morning. Then I read the comments of the others who have already written, and then read it again just now...or at least most of it, because it still didn't hold me. I think that, in the end, the reason you lost me is that I didn't care about any of the characters. Each woman was essentially indistinquishable from the other when it came to motivation, inner life, etc. They were all just sort of there without any larger purpose. This is what Penny was getting at if I remember correctly from the other comments. No one was moving toward any sort of goal--realizing a fantasy, breaking free from sexual shackles imposed by a repressed upbringing, getting even with someone for a recent slight. I thought for just a moment that this latter scenario was going to happen in the didlo-down-the-throat scene, but it just ended with some running mascara. Can you see what I'm getting at here?

Like some of the other readers, I concur that you have a tendency to over describe. I prefer to let the characters come to life through their actions and words, rather than having a picture painted of each and every one. At the least, feed the details of their looks, their clothes, etc., to me slowly. What happens here reads sort of like the director's instructions in a screen play. "Debra enters stage left dressed in green slacks and a pale blue sweater. Her hair is blonde, her eyes blue." Obviously, this is an exaggeration to make the point, but I think you can see what I mean when you go back a re-read the story.

A very small point. Bodies are toned, not tone. I mention it because you used "tone" twice so I'm assuming it's not a typo.

When it came to the sex, I really didn't get into it. I think that is largely a function of the two main points I've just made--not caring about the characters and the tendency to over describe. I found that I was bored.

PAUL has possibilities. But why not make him more interesting? He could, for instance, have properties/talents not described in the brochure and known only to his makers? He could prove so addictive that he turns out to be a home wrecker. It could be that the women just found him too boring for words and went home with $29.95 dildos. Wouldn't that be a bite in the ass for the company?

So, in the end, I hope you'll consider re-writing this with the various comments you've received in mind. I still want to read about an adult toy party where my fantasies can come true...

Allan

PS for Dr.M. If you stop coming here, I'm going to have to send you my stories to look at privately!
 
Ah, back from the Carnival like celebration that is my birthday week (not to mention doing the Turkey Day business). Who missed me?

!!ha ha!!

Okay, well don't get miffed at me, but I don't really think it's necessary to go post for post and volley this one back and forth. All of the comments seem to be sending the same message as far as I can gather.

This isn't at a point where I "think" or "feel" that it was finished. It was an experiment and the result is proof positive that I certainly stumble along when it comes to writing a "themed" piece. The sex toy party hit me first and some of the scenes came along with it. As I wrote I saw that I was painting myself in a corner, but hey, there aren't any life preservers for writing a group-oriented scene. Not to mention the FF issue which I have zero experience with. Perhaps that is why it read "pornographic" to most (?). I’m not sure I understand the use of the term as it concerns my posting (is it that good or bad? Personal preference? Or a clearly defined category?). But if we are going with the line of thinking that there is no emotional connection between the parties involved then perhaps pornographic would be correct. ::shrug::

This piece is certainly in the “drawing board” file and will be revisited when I feel it’s sat in the corner long enough. I really wanted to get some impressions about it before I gave it any more effort and that’s what I got. Thank you all for sharing your time with me.

SW
 
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