Random rant on the day after Christmas (probably for the ladies...)

[Bramblethorn]

I mean, maybe it is all lies and manipulation. But couldn't it just be a simple exchange where a guy liked freya's profile pic, complimented it, said to focus on inner beauty when he interpreted her reply as self-deprecating about her appearance, and then answered honestly that he hadn't read her stories but was considering it?

I guess it's possible, but odds are against it.

In my first few years on this site I had several PMs in that vein - the vague friendly greeting with some minimal-effort attempt to "personalise" it by referencing something in my profile or something I'd posted on a forum, or a vague "I liked your story" from somebody who didn't appear to have actually read it. Every single one ended up being a pickup attempt.

Not to defend this guy in particular, he may be just what you're describing, but I will say it doesn't seem strange to me to approach someone with something less than an all-out come-on. Dip a toe in the waters before diving in head first. See if she seems interested before asking to fuck, that kind of thing.

A woman isn't passive "waters" with a temperature to be taken before diving in. The interest one gets depends on what one has to offer.

The only thing this guy's told her about himself is "I haven't read your stories"; everything else is just copy-paste lines. That's solidly in negative sex-appeal territory. For all the effort he's made to be interesting, he might as well be saying "I want to put my dick in a woman, you'll do".

Even the guys who walk up to women with a cold-opening "wanna fuck" sometimes make the effort to shower, dress nicely, and pick the spinach out of their teeth first.

 

[AchtungNight]

Full disclosure- I have never tried sexting. I have had women read and enjoy my stories, and my physical attention, but blind online sexting just seems too much like an unsure faked hookup. I know how to make a story or a staged video game relationship- I’ve done those also- go right and I don’t like uncertainty. I like fakers even less, however.

My last ex was an asexual who professed to hate objectification, only be interested in sexual attraction on an intellectual basis, and that she was in love with me so she chose to be together for eight years until she fell out of love. It went through cycles and I kept wondering as we built a home life together and I made various sacrifices for her while we disliked each other’s families (but acted otherwise around them to be polite) when we would split. She never prioritized mending the many flaws in our relationship. I stayed with her and did not look for other women because I was grateful to her for being with me. I ultimately never had her, though.

If I can get someone as committed to me as she was in our honeymoon phase, and as into frequent sexual encounters as I am- I will commit to that woman if she expects it. I may even not actually do ethical non-monogamy- though I will absolutely put it on the table so she knows I’m open to threesomes and her straying if she gets the urge. Easier to have the option but go back to the person who is always there. Losing mine who was, and getting starved of affection by the pandemic and emotional storms in the wake of my divorce- I will hope my next wife is smart enough to keep a sure thing. And if she can allow us the benefits of swinging and three-ways and all the other fun of dating an erotica fan (I’m not giving it up for anything in my imagination), that’s icing on the cake. I will be honest- I want my icing. But if I can’t have it, well, reality of regular attraction is most attractive in the long run since it’s in my past. I just want it fully honest and comfortable on the next round.

Hope the women here can believe and accept that. It’s the truth.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Yes, they want sex talk but want you to be the instigator. Just play along for a while and refuse to initiate the sex talk. They will either make an ass of themselves, claiming you're a flirt along the way, or tire of the, "Well isn't that nice," responses and stop the chatter.

Do you all find it strange when someone starts a conversation with you like this:

"I love your picture. Good luck with your writing!"

Of course (through a lifetime of stereotypical gender conditioning), I read that as "Hey, baby! Let's talk dirty and share pictures." But it certainly sounds like just a quick check-in. A short statement, and then an almost closing of the door with the "have a nice life" vibe of the second short sentence. Although, that may just be a twist to get my attention...?

So, I bite.

"Oh, thank you. Unfortunately, that's an overly-glorified and overly-photoshopped image. But thank you."

The response: "Well, beauty does fade. It's the person inside that counts."

Why do I feel a little insulted? Was it an insult? Against my better judgement, I'm being reeled in. I respond convincing myself that I'm only trying to shore up my readership numbers and not trying to defend myself against a perceived personal attack on my cuteness. "Have you read any of my Literotica submissions? You can judge my inner beauty that way."

Crap! I hit "post reply" -- WHY?!? Am I really that insecure and in need of some stranger's approval? And worse, now I'm the one that looks like they're trolling for dick pics and whatnot.

But then the response...

"No. But I might."

That's it. Four words. Just FOUR FREAKIN' WORDS!!

Now, I'm completely, irrationally angry. And over the stupidest thing!!

This guy initiates contact on an erotica site, compliments me then low-grade insults me, I fall for it hook line and sinker, and he didn't even take the time to read a story?!?!? What happened to romance??? No wine and dine? At the very least, he could have just posted a favorable public comment (even if he didn't read the story), and then PM'ed me. He put in absolutely no effort!

Of course, it was probably just an innocent compliment and, like usual, I created this entire imaginary situation out of nothing.

And now I'm insecure about my insecurity. Ugh!!!!!

i·ro·ny1
/ˈīrənē/
noun
posting personal stories on a public erotic fiction site where you are rated and judged by strangers and then getting all worked up over being rated and judged by a stranger

And it was probably nothing to begin with!!!!

Rant over. I'm going to go outside and smell a rose.

 

[Devinter]

tire of the, "Well isn't that nice," responses

... Unless that is his kink.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Well, isn't that nice, @Devinter. have a nice jerk, sweetums.

... Unless that is his kink.

 

[FreyaGersemi]

Just FYI, for anyone that has followed this thread, if you read my initial post, I was angry with MYSELF and questioning MY responses and MY interpretation of the exchange. Nowhere did I say he was a creep or rude or anything negative. Just pointing that out because so many people have argued for and against the person who messaged me. My post was about ME and MY responses and feelings.

The entire exchange was totally polite and PG-rated.

With that being said, I have already gotten some inappropriate messages and those I can handle just fine. Ignore or politely decline.

I guess I was more just musing aloud (on a keyboard) and not trying to expose someone as a bad person. I thought that I had made it clear that I was pointing out my own issues and wondering why I interpreted the situation that way.

Sorry if it came across as something else.

 

[FreyaGersemi]

And I am fully aware that writing sexy stories creates a sexy image. And fully aware that my pen name and the name of my main character are the same. And fully aware that I have a (hopefully) cute avatar.

As authors, don't we want people to read and respond? I may be naive, but I'm not that naive.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

And I am fully aware that writing sexy stories creates a sexy image. And fully aware that my pen name and the name of my main character are the same. And fully aware that I have a (hopefully) cute avatar.

As authors, don't we want people to read and respond? I may be naive, but I'm not that naive.

Sounds like you're trying to shut this down. before you go, just want to say, "I love your picture. Good luck with your writing!"


I've been waiting hours and hours to slip that in someplace that it would actually be funny and not cringe. LOL

 

[EmilyMiller]

And I am fully aware that writing sexy stories creates a sexy image. And fully aware that my pen name and the name of my main character are the same. And fully aware that I have a (hopefully) cute avatar.

Well you wouldn’t catch me… oh wait!

As authors, don't we want people to read and respond? I may be naive, but I'm not that naive.

To an extent it’s the short dress argument. Why shouldn’t you write sexy stories? Why shouldn’t you have a cute avatar? Why shouldn’t you have a character in your stories share your nom de plume?

And I got you were mostly talking about your reaction. But it’s such a common experience, that a broader discussion was inevitable.

Em

 

[Voboy]

The day after Christmas?

To me, it means leftover pumpkin pie. Which sounds a lot more tasty than parsing PMs, if less healthy!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Sounds like you're trying to shut this down. before you go, just want to say, "I love your picture. Good luck with your writing!"

I've been waiting hours and hours to slip that in someplace that it would actually be funny and not cringe. LOL

Comic timing noted, ShelbyDawn. Good work .

 

[alohadave]

As authors, don't we want people to read and respond?

For me, I really don't want to interact with readers.

I have social issues, and find it difficult at times respond to serious comments here in the forums with posters I'm familiar with (and I always feel bad for not responding to, or just liking, comments that go beyond casual conversation).

If a reader leaves a comment, I'll read and take in what they say, but I probably wouldn't have a back and forth with them.

 

[onehitwanda]

Yes, they want sex talk but want you to be the instigator. Just play along for a while and refuse to initiate the sex talk. They will either make an ass of themselves, claiming you're a flirt along the way, or tire of the, "Well isn't that nice," responses and stop the chatter.

The old drown-them-in-buttercream approach. Kinky!

 

[Kumquatqueen]

It is disappointing when it’s clear they haven't looked at your stories.

It's more disappointing when you get the incredibly-submissive men telling you they'll do anything for you.

"Excellent. Read one of my stories and tell me what you think."

"Not that."

 

[StillStunned]

It's more disappointing when you get the incredibly-submissive men telling you they'll do anything for you.

"Excellent. Read one of my stories and tell me what you think."

"Not that."

It's like the old joke.
Masochist: "Spank me!"
Sadist: "No."

 

[AchtungNight]

It's more disappointing when you get the incredibly-submissive men telling you they'll do anything for you.

"Excellent. Read one of my stories and tell me what you think."

"Not that."

My response- “Fine, go improve the gene pool by swimming in that acid lake with those incredibly nasty sharks.”

They have been known to comply.

 

[Tanuki]

It strikes me more simply, he doesn’t have much to say so he just sent the inner beauty cliche. So not manipulation or mind games he just saw your picture, got interested, sent a message, and when you responded he didn’t know what to say and maybe his attention was already elsewhere.

I don’t recall getting a message like this. I get lots of feedback and people who want to talk about my writing or theirs, and I get “hey baby” pickup lines, but this is in between.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My response- “Fine, go improve the gene pool by swimming in that acid lake with those incredibly nasty sharks.”

They have been known to comply.

Been ages since I saw a good acid lake, and when I did, there was one guy had to be discouraged from swimming in it.

(Well, from falling into it. At 60°C and pH -0.5, any "swimming" would've been brief.)

 

[alohadave]

pH -0.5

I wasn't aware that you could have a negative pH.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

I wasn't aware that you could have a negative pH.

Short answer Yes it can.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I wasn't aware that you could have a negative pH.

It's possible, though unusual. pH is a logarithmic scale, so a value of zero doesn't mean "none left".

A pH of 7 means 10^-7 moles of hydrogen ions per litre of water, which is considered neutral. (A mole equals 6.023 x 10^23.) Every increase of 10x in the hydrogen concentration corresponds to a decrease of 1.0 on the pH. pH 0 means a concentration of one mole hydrogen ions per litre, pH -1 would be ten moles per litre, and so on.

It's hard to get very far into the negatives, because you quickly end up with more acid than water, and also hard to measure pH at such extreme values. But there's no hard limit like there would be for something like temperature, and values down to -1 or so can be found in nature.

*Here, "hydrogen ions" means not only H+ but also ions it forms with water: H3O+, H5O2+, ...

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Short answer Yes it can.

What is the density of water with 760g/L of sulfates?

 

[mynameisben]

Do you all find it strange when someone starts a conversation with you like this:

"I love your picture. Good luck with your writing!"

Of course (through a lifetime of stereotypical gender conditioning), I read that as "Hey, baby! Let's talk dirty and share pictures." But it certainly sounds like just a quick check-in. A short statement, and then an almost closing of the door with the "have a nice life" vibe of the second short sentence. Although, that may just be a twist to get my attention...?

So, I bite.

"Oh, thank you. Unfortunately, that's an overly-glorified and overly-photoshopped image. But thank you."

The response: "Well, beauty does fade. It's the person inside that counts."

Why do I feel a little insulted? Was it an insult? Against my better judgement, I'm being reeled in. I respond convincing myself that I'm only trying to shore up my readership numbers and not trying to defend myself against a perceived personal attack on my cuteness. "Have you read any of my Literotica submissions? You can judge my inner beauty that way."

Crap! I hit "post reply" -- WHY?!? Am I really that insecure and in need of some stranger's approval? And worse, now I'm the one that looks like they're trolling for dick pics and whatnot.

But then the response...

"No. But I might."

That's it. Four words. Just FOUR FREAKIN' WORDS!!

Now, I'm completely, irrationally angry. And over the stupidest thing!!

This guy initiates contact on an erotica site, compliments me then low-grade insults me, I fall for it hook line and sinker, and he didn't even take the time to read a story?!?!? What happened to romance??? No wine and dine? At the very least, he could have just posted a favorable public comment (even if he didn't read the story), and then PM'ed me. He put in absolutely no effort!

Of course, it was probably just an innocent compliment and, like usual, I created this entire imaginary situation out of nothing.

And now I'm insecure about my insecurity. Ugh!!!!!
:
i·ro·ny1
/ˈīrənē/
noun
posting personal stories on a public erotic fiction site where you are rated and judged by strangers and then getting all worked up over being rated and judged by a stranger

And it was probably nothing to begin with!!!!

Rant over. I'm going to go outside and smell a rose.

Well Frey, I abide by a simple rule whenever somebody new strikes up a conversation with me: always give them the benefit of the doubt until they give you a solid reason to doubt. And I have to say, I'm really happy with the results. I have met some shockingly nice people who left a very bad first impression. I have also met some really crude and hateful bastards, but it never takes long before they give me a solid reason to believe they are what they are.

I believe people who do not know you but take the time and effort to say anything to you, anything at all, generally mean well. It's just that sometimes (often, really) people are not nearly as gifted a writer as you are or can clearly express their thoughts or intentions as well as you can. This is especially true in an icebreaker situation. But because of your fans' shortcomings, you seem to feel compelled to read their thoughts between their words and in their punctuation, to fill in the gaps with your own inventions, to divine out of essentially nothing a full police profile on these ravening wolves who have the audacity to say "Hi" to you.

I understand all too well that men and women have hidden motives when they engage in textual intercourse for the first time. This is something you just have to accept as being a member of the human race, regardless of your gender. The dance is a million years old, and it ain't never gonna change. If you want to be an exemplary member of the human race, you have to handle these encounters with grace and confidence. I see the grace, but I don't see the confidence. You're second-guessing everything, but you don't have to.

If you gave the dude the benefit of the doubt to begin with, then "I love your picture. Good luck with your writing!" would parse out as, "You look pleasant, and I wish you well," the words of a man who does not know you at all but is simply giving you the only compliments he can think of, in his word-handicapped way, in hopes of getting on your good side. They are not necessarily the words of a man too lazy to type, "Hey, baby! You are smokin' hawt! How many words must I type before you send me a pic of your boobs?" Stereotypical gender conditioning notwithstanding. I also believe your assertion that "But I just might" is a low-grade insult would never hold up in any court of law. How you decide to assess these situations is ultimately up to you, but I guarantee you will live a happier life if you approach these things my way instead of yours. Why is he complimenting me? Why does he want to get on my good side? What did he mean by "Good luck with your writing?" You don't have to explore any of those dark alleys if you don't want to. Just let him talk. If your fan is the evil stalker your Spidey Sense tells you he is, a solid reason to doubt him will become crystal clear soon enough. But either way the second-guessing, the anguish, and the irrationality you admit to will all be replaced with the confidence that comes with knowing you handled the situation exactly right.

People are people, and the happier ones know we ALL deserve the benefit of the doubt, simply for being the fallible human beings that we are.

There. I just typed a shitload of words to you. Any chance you can send me a pic of your boobs now? Oink! oink! oink!


-Ben

 

[AchtungNight]

I understand the gender conditioning talked about in this thread. I don’t enjoy it, but I understand it. I also don’t appreciate the state of online dating these days. All the apps I’ve found are overrun with fake or inactive accounts, if not people trying to mold the relationship before it gets going by insisting on extreme kinky sex or long-term “no hookups” mentality depending on the site. Honestly the expectation of being into either extreme with a person you have yet to meet in real life is nuts. And I feel like I’m not being given a chance by a lot of people. Not sure the websites are cooperating either, to be honest. A lot of their expectations regarding message pacing is not in sync with their users’. The popular media shaming of sexual desire is also a pain. Especially to those of us who can understand the difference between harmless hopeful flirting and harassment. I have engaged in the former but not the latter, struck out more times than I’ve scored, and honestly wish people would give me a chance more often. But I also understand thin levels of confidence- I’ve been catfished a few times myself. Ugh.

May we all find a good balance at some point. In the meantime, if anyone I don’t know texts me asking for uncomfortable sexual contact, I will be honest with them about how I find their inquiries. If the contact is comfortable, it might be carried out on my part, but I will want a friendship first to help ease the way. Communication about stories is a good way to create that.

As for those who would send authors flat out sexual harassment… people, we have written stories about erotic experiences. You can easily find pictures and videos of similar situations online. Do you lack the ability to review these images and words, then use your imagination? Why is that not enough for you? Honestly, why do you need to push people into your crazy requests?

 

[alohadave]

-Ben

A whole lot of mansplaining going on here.