Looking for Feedback for a Short Story

[WinsomeWeb]

I'm looking for some feedback for my short story, The Thief of Thieves. It's in the Sci-Fi & Fantasy category, about 5300 words, and told in first person past tense. It's very (very) loosely based on Roman mythology.

It's nowhere near the first story I've written, and it isn't the first one I've submitted here, but it is the first one I've submitted to Literotica that isn't for a contest. I like submitting for contests because they're a great source of motivation, as they come with some loose themes and a deadline, and that means I even actually finish them sometimes. This story, though, was a rarity in that it was just a random spur of the moment thing that I actually managed to finish.

Overall, I am relatively happy with the result. There haven't been many votes, but there haven't been many views either. The story is sitting just below the Hot threshold, and has accumulated a vote to view ratio of about 1:50, which, based on my randomly reading other threads, is above average. That will probably only continue to fall, but it's not been a complete failure.

One of the biggest regrets I have in this submission is putting it in Sci-Fi & Fantasy, and not Erotic Couplings. One person recommended I do that, but, after showing it another person, I got feedback it seemed somewhat aggressive, and I panicked and put it in Sci-Fi & Fantasy instead. I definitely should have listened to that first person (not least because I literally asked them to specifically recommend a category), but publishing things makes me really anxious, and the idea that I might be putting something that could be, maybe a little bit, construed by someone as dubious consent made me feel really guilty.

In terms of the writing itself, I think it's fine. I'm happy with the text. I don't think I totally stuck the ending, but I kind of ran into the point where it just felt done.

If anyone has any feedback, I'd love to hear it. Thanks.

 

[VilHaMer]

One thing I notice is that very early on, the language is built in an advanced way. Rather than constructing simple sentences, you build complex ones. This makes it a little harder to read, especially if the reader isn't great at reading. It's not really a criticism, but you should be aware that when you write like this, you're reducing the size of your audience. I notice that the language grows simpler later, like in the first love scene, but people who like simple-to-read stories are likely to stop reading after the first couple of paragraphs. If I'm right about this, it could (at least partly) explain why there aren't too many votes.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

One thing I notice is that very early on, the language is built in an advanced way. Rather than constructing simple sentences, you build complex ones. This makes it a little harder to read, especially if the reader isn't great at reading. It's not really a criticism, but you should be aware that when you write like this, you're reducing the size of your audience. I notice that the language grows simpler later, like in the first love scene, but people who like simple-to-read stories are likely to stop reading after the first couple of paragraphs. If I'm right about this, it could (at least partly) explain why there aren't too many votes.

I don't think you're wrong at all. On the last story, someone submitted a very polite comment along similar lines. To paraphrase, it was essentially, "I gave it a go, and it's too flowery, so I'm out. Best of luck."

I like making things sound pretty, but one thing I've noticed in publishing online (through voting and such) is that my writing style is inaccessible, mostly because of what you've noted. People don't usually want to look for something that's too challenging when they're just trying to relax after a long day--perhaps even more so, when they're trying to rub one out--and it's hard to find that right mix of what I like to read, versus what people want to read. It's something that's hard to keep in mind, but which I have to do better with. After all, if I'm only writing for myself, why am I sharing with other people, right?

Thanks for commenting and reading.

 

[ElectricBlue]

--and it's hard to find that right mix of what I like to read, versus what people want to read. It's something that's hard to keep in mind, but which I have to do better with. After all, if I'm only writing for myself, why am I sharing with other people, right?

This is a deep reader's piece, not fluffy stroke for a quick release.

I'm going to come back to it with more time, to do it justice. It reminds me, from the two first two paragraphs alone, of a John Banville novel I'm reading, which is equally dense and luxurious.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

This is a deep reader's piece, not fluffy stroke for a quick release.

I'm going to come back to it with more time, to do it justice. It reminds me, from the two first two paragraphs alone, of a John Banville novel I'm reading, which is equally dense and luxurious.

Thank you, electricblue, I'd really appreciate that.

 

[jsmiam]

I bet Laurel would happily move it. I believe protocol is a PM to Laurel. (https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1511398 - older post)

I’ll say I’m not much of a non-con type, but even that element made sense given the predicament of the victim that is revealed at the end, plus the version of power she displayed even during the abuse (my word for it.). I would even say the ending was spot on in explaining the why part of the victim. (Apologies for calling it “abuse” and “victim” btw, that’s the non-con non-reader in me talking.)

Regarding the anti-hero narrator, I know you weren’t trying to imply there ever was a path of redemption. I (personally) was happy about the way the story ended with respect to that character.

Finally, I’m always envious of people who have the ability to paint pictures with their words, which you have. It’s not over the top, although it’ll be over the top of some heads. It probably does cause some back-key pressing, which is a shame.

Hope I haven’t included too many spoilers. Nice job!

 

[WinsomeWeb]

I bet Laurel would happily move it. I believe protocol is a PM to Laurel. (https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1511398 - older post)

I don't think I'd want to bother her at this point. I think it's already pretty far off the front page of any category, so there wouldn't be any point to it, but I appreciate the thought.

I’ll say I’m not much of a non-con type, but even that element made sense given the predicament of the victim that is revealed at the end, plus the version of power she displayed even during the abuse (my word for it.). I would even say the ending was spot on in explaining the why part of the victim. (Apologies for calling it “abuse” and “victim” btw, that’s the non-con non-reader in me talking.)

Regarding the anti-hero narrator, I know you weren’t trying to imply there ever was a path of redemption. I (personally) was happy about the way the story ended with respect to that character.

Finally, I’m always envious of people who have the ability to paint pictures with their words, which you have. It’s not over the top, although it’ll be over the top of some heads. It probably does cause some back-key pressing, which is a shame.

Hope I haven’t included too many spoilers. Nice job!

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it.

No worries about the terminology. I don't know enough about it myself to know any better, either, but I'm glad it worked for you. I think, personally, the problem I had with the ending was that it didn't feel like it had any weight to it. I think it was a natural conclusion to the plot, and it wrapped the story up, but there was just something about it that felt limp. I don't have the vocabulary regarding story structure to properly explain my feelings, but I was worried that the way I felt might make it feel not good for others, so I'm glad to hear that it at least seemed like it was an earned ending.