Letting friends get involved

[JR284]

When my wife and I first got into the lifestyle, we both agreed that we would keep friends out of it. At some point though, the idea of sharing my wife with someone close to me became extremely enticing. I began talking to my wife about the fantasy, and after a series of events, she made it into a reality. They only had a handful of encounters and it hasn't happened in a couple of years, but just knowing that my friend has enjoyed my wife continues to be a huge turn on. Luckily, friendships remained intact and there's no awkwardness or anything like that. We have no plans to expand to other friends either.

I'm just curious, for those of you in non-monogamous relationships, what's your stands on including friends. Do you find it as exciting and alluring as I did or is that something completely off the table for you? Any of you out there with bad experiences as a result of getting friends involved?

 

[DennisB]

It can be a slippery slope. I think it boils down to the character of the extra person. If they have low scruples, then they will behave badly after the event. Badly like hanging on, coming over, attempt to block or steal. But you can find such crass people like that whether it is a “friend” or not. With “friends” some may feel……..entitled. “Well, I am your friend and you asked me so that must mean that this is mine as well.” Ahhh, no.

But if you can find a good, mature, well mannered one that everyone clicks with. It can be fun.

Good luck.

 

[pace_purr]

Started off with us saying don’t play in our own backyard but we ended up breaking our own rules with three of my male friends and one of our couple friends all turned out well.

 

[easyoff]

All of our playing around was with friends. Everyone was more comfortable knowing eachother.
Also it was fun when you learned about a secret fantasy one of your friends had.

 

[Texsuns]

I'm just curious, for those of you in non-monogamous relationships, what's your stands on including friends. Do you find it as exciting and alluring as I did or is that something completely off the table for you? Any of you out there with bad experiences as a result of getting friends involved?

Interesting questions. We have been in the lifestyle over twenty years and have always played with friends. We have never discussed it, it just happens. In the beginning, most of our playmates were our friends, mostly single guys. Yes, I did, and still do, find it more exciting than a random hookup.
Bad experiences with friends? Yes, unfortunately several come to mind. One with an old college buddy of mine, one with an old neighbor buddy and a few other times with couples, each time the wife got jealous.
We have no regrets though. We are who we are. We both have BFFs. Others can come and go.

 

[gtnlynn]

I have explained elsewhere why I felt our relationship was solid enough to allow my wife to have sex with others after we had been married a while. She had demonstrated in college that sex could be just a fun event with no romantic or emotional attachment. One of the conditions was that she could not have sex within our circle of friends. She obeyed that restriction even though one friend tried to fuck her. We did allow one exception. She did have sex with one of her and her brother's friends from college. She had sex with him in college, so it wasn't the first time. It was a special situation, and we are glad that it happened. We are also glad she did not have sex with any of our other friends.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

We had been in the lifestyle for a few years when my wife let some neighbors know about our secret pastime. She was friendly with a couple around the block. She didn't say it, but I know she was attracted to the husband, who was a few years younger than us. He also had the hots for her. That was obvious. The wife was kind of a bitch, but she was attractive. Well, my wife was out drinking with them, and drunkenly mentioned to the wife that we were swingers. That got set their gears in motion. The wife wasted no time trying to set up a foursome with us. She was suddenly very flirtatious with me. I saw a different side of her, and liked her much more than I had previously. When my wife was over to their house, they were both getting touchy-feely with her whenever the kids were out of the room. She had to put the kabosh on things until we were all together.
After a few weeks we set up an evening to get dinner and drinks and do the foursome. My wife and I had done many meetings with other couples over dinner and drinks to discuss expectations, limits, etc, and to measure attraction so that it was clear everyone was on board. That's when everything blew up. As it turned out, the husband was all into fucking my wife, but could not handle the thought of his wife fucking me. He stormed out, and nothing ever happened.
In retrospect, we realized he was all up for a threesome with my wife, and probably would have been happy to fuck her with no one else present, but he was never on board for a full swap situation. After that night, we never looked to friends for sex. We did, however, become very friendly with our lifestyle friends. They weren't just bodies to fuck. We had deep friendships with them that transcended the sex. And even though we are no longer fucking them, we remain close friends.

 

[DennisB]

We had been in the lifestyle for a few years when my wife let some neighbors know about our secret pastime. She was friendly with a couple around the block. She didn't say it, but I know she was attracted to the husband, who was a few years younger than us. He also had the hots for her. That was obvious. The wife was kind of a bitch, but she was attractive. Well, my wife was out drinking with them, and drunkenly mentioned to the wife that we were swingers. That got set their gears in motion. The wife wasted no time trying to set up a foursome with us. She was suddenly very flirtatious with me. I saw a different side of her, and liked her much more than I had previously. When my wife was over to their house, they were both getting touchy-feely with her whenever the kids were out of the room. She had to put the kabosh on things until we were all together.
After a few weeks we set up an evening to get dinner and drinks and do the foursome. My wife and I had done many meetings with other couples over dinner and drinks to discuss expectations, limits, etc, and to measure attraction so that it was clear everyone was on board. That's when everything blew up. As it turned out, the husband was all into fucking my wife, but could not handle the thought of his wife fucking me. He stormed out, and nothing ever happened.
In retrospect, we realized he was all up for a threesome with my wife, and probably would have been happy to fuck her with no one else present, but he was never on board for a full swap situation. After that night, we never looked to friends for sex. We did, however, become very friendly with our lifestyle friends. They weren't just bodies to fuck. We had deep friendships with them that transcended the sex. And even though we are no longer fucking them, we remain close friends.

Some people’s mind is not right for this type of sex. The jealousy thing will kill a mood in an instant. The whole, “I want to sleep with as many different people as I can but you can’t” thing is just bizarre to us. If one is not secure sexually, I advise not doing this. It will end badly.

 

[Handydan]

Our friends are our best play dates.

 

[peruchica]

In our case it was a little bit of the opposite. My husband was excited to share me but when we got started, he was hesitant to share me with complete strangers so we got started with friends, mostly his. I agree with what someone else said; as long as the right boundaries are set and there is mutual respect among everyone, including friends in your fun can be some of the best experiences you can have. Plus, there is a bit of a rush knowing that anything can happen at any moment if the mood is right. To this day, I still get to play with a few of my husband's friends from time to time.

 

[cypressknee]

I’d rather share with a friend…I love them knowing what I’m married to and can have anytime I want

 

[One_ping_only]

I’d rather share with a friend…I love them knowing what I’m married to and can have anytime I want

Most if not all of my buddies are fully aware of who I'm married to and thus why they're always asking if they can have a BBQ at our place or football night when it's not even footballs season ??

My wife is definitely eye candy for them all while they're here. Makes me proud that she's mine

 

[WonderPonder]

We've been in the "lifestyle" for only 15 weeks now and things are going very well. The guy she's seeing isn't a friend but during pillow talk my wife has mentioned my one friend. His nickname is Meat from the movie Porkys so she's curious about how big his cock is.
As long as she's seeing her current man nothing with him or anyone else is going to happen.
She's told me that there's no way we could go back to the way it was. So if she stopped seeing her current man she says that we shouldn't involve friends, even Meat. In fantasy it's arousing thinking of him being with my wife. But for our situation it's best not to involve our friends. Who really knows what the future holds as she has shocked me by doing things she said she'd never do.

 

[policywank]

I have found that I prefer to avoid hard and fast rules. Making sure that everyone involved is mature enough, respectful enough and in the right head space to engage in non-monogamous sexual activity is a multi-faceted and complex undertaking. Of course it is very helpful to discuss things and get a perspective on how people feel and where there limits are. But just because someone ticks all the boxes in the rule book doesn't mean they will be a good 3rd partner nor does the fact that they don't tick certain boxes mean they won't be a suitable 3rd. It just isn't possible to create enough rules to contemplate all possibilities.

Ultimately you have to trust your and your partner's instincts and situational judgment. You both need to own the outcomes regardless of what the rulebook said.

Getting with friends may increase the consequences of something going wrong, but it may also increase the comfort level.

To me the key is an honest assessment of the person and circumstances involved. If you invite your buddy in to fuck your wife and he starts trying to hit her up for one-on-one activity in contravention of agreed upon parameters then you misjudged your friend's character and/or his feelings about your wife. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for us to misjudge people close to us because we get along with them in neutral or benign circumstances. You can't really know what a person is like in more challenging scenarios unless you have experienced that with them.

We have lots of friends that I would not think suitable to be a 3rd, either because I see an obvious inclination to not handle it well or because I don't know how they would handle it. But there are a few in whom I do have a lot of confidence. I'd still be wary, but if circumstances were suitable I would not preclude them.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I have found that I prefer to avoid hard and fast rules. Making sure that everyone involved is mature enough, respectful enough and in the right head space to engage in non-monogamous sexual activity is a multi-faceted and complex undertaking. Of course it is very helpful to discuss things and get a perspective on how people feel and where there limits are. But just because someone ticks all the boxes in the rule book doesn't mean they will be a good 3rd partner nor does the fact that they don't tick certain boxes mean they won't be a suitable 3rd. It just isn't possible to create enough rules to contemplate all possibilities.

Ultimately you have to trust your and your partner's instincts and situational judgment. You both need to own the outcomes regardless of what the rulebook said.

Getting with friends may increase the consequences of something going wrong, but it may also increase the comfort level.

To me the key is an honest assessment of the person and circumstances involved. If you invite your buddy in to fuck your wife and he starts trying to hit her up for one-on-one activity in contravention of agreed upon parameters then you misjudged your friend's character and/or his feelings about your wife. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for us to misjudge people close to us because we get along with them in neutral or benign circumstances. You can't really know what a person is like in more challenging scenarios unless you have experienced that with them.

We have lots of friends that I would not think suitable to be a 3rd, either because I see an obvious inclination to not handle it well or because I don't know how they would handle it. But there are a few in whom I do have a lot of confidence. I'd still be wary, but if circumstances were suitable I would not preclude them.

As a guy I feel as though I have encountered a lot of guys who think in ways that makes it difficult for them to make a balanced assessment of how their friends might behave in situations like this. They tend to think in fairly traditional terms about how other guys behave. If they are personable, fit in with the boys and generally embrace similar likes and dislikes they are thought of as "good guys." If they are good at sports and display stereotypical male characteristics, all the better. As long as they are not toxic or stereotypical douche bags we give them more benefit of the doubt than they deserves.

Conversely we can imagine the guy who doesn't fit in quite so well for whatever reason who is viewed with suspicion for no particularly good reason.

But those things are all about what we are or are not comfortable with based upon our own personalities and ingrained bias. They have nothing to do with character and are not at all a good guide to how someone will behave in such a situation.

Most of the times that I have observed male friendships come apart over a woman - whether as part of consensual non-monogamy or otherwise - I would say that the guy who got hurt made a very poor assessment or made no assessment at all of the other guy based upon superficial comfort levels that lack any real substance. Look at how that guy behaves overall not just how he claims to behave towards you because you are his friend. If he is not a very stand up guy all the way around to everyone he meets don't think he will be more honourable towards you as soon as women and sex get involved. And if he does fuck you around it isn't because you shouldn't play with friends it is because you didn't make a clear eyed assessment of your friend.

 

[policywank]

As a guy I feel as though I have encountered a lot of guys who think in ways that makes it difficult for them to make a balanced assessment of how their friends might behave in situations like this. They tend to think in fairly traditional terms about how other guys behave. If they are personable, fit in with the boys and generally embrace similar likes and dislikes they are thought of as "good guys." If they are good at sports and display stereotypical male characteristics, all the better. As long as they are not toxic or stereotypical douche bags we give them more benefit of the doubt than they deserves.

Conversely we can imagine the guy who doesn't fit in quite so well for whatever reason who is viewed with suspicion for no particularly good reason.

But those things are all about what we are or are not comfortable with based upon our own personalities and ingrained bias. They have nothing to do with character and are not at all a good guide to how someone will behave in such a situation.

Most of the times that I have observed male friendships come apart over a woman - whether as part of consensual non-monogamy or otherwise - I would say that the guy who got hurt made a very poor assessment or made no assessment at all of the other guy based upon superficial comfort levels that lack any real substance. Look at how that guy behaves overall not just how he claims to behave towards you because you are his friend. If he is not a very stand up guy all the way around to everyone he meets don't think he will be more honourable towards you as soon as women and sex get involved. And if he does fuck you around it isn't because you shouldn't play with friends it is because you didn't make a clear eyed assessment of your friend.

I do think that a lot of guys present themselves to their buddies in a very different way than they do to women. Many times I have heard guys refer to one of their friends in terms like "oh he is a good guy." And I'm not saying the guy was a bad guy or anything, but women could see that his behaviour was circumstantial. He could play the part of loyal buddy in an environment where that was valued, but had little difficulty justifying different behaviour where it suited his needs.

On several occasions my husband and I have discussed other men and whether they would be a suitable 3rd for our sexually non-monogamous adventures. Almost without exception I am much more discriminating and wary on his behalf than he is. Some guys hide a lot of themselves when they are in buddy mode. I'm not saying all or even most, only that it is hidden and women are in an ideal position to see it if they interact with us away from their buddies.

 

[Funshyne]

When my wife and I first got into the lifestyle, we both agreed that we would keep friends out of it. At some point though, the idea of sharing my wife with someone close to me became extremely enticing. I began talking to my wife about the fantasy, and after a series of events, she made it into a reality. They only had a handful of encounters and it hasn't happened in a couple of years, but just knowing that my friend has enjoyed my wife continues to be a huge turn on. Luckily, friendships remained intact and there's no awkwardness or anything like that. We have no plans to expand to other friends either.

I'm just curious, for those of you in non-monogamous relationships, what's your stands on including friends. Do you find it as exciting and alluring as I did or is that something completely off the table for you? Any of you out there with bad experiences as a result of getting friends involved?

It's hard to say let's not involve friends or it has been for us. Something that kind of has to go on a case by case basis. We've had people we've had sex with become good friends. We've had friends looking to get into the lifestyle and liked the idea of being with people they knew versus strangers. We've both had exes we're still close and have sex with as well. Plus it's always nice to have a connection outside of the bedroom for when things are done or in between.

 

[dkak001]

I do think that a lot of guys present themselves to their buddies in a very different way than they do to women. Many times I have heard guys refer to one of their friends in terms like "oh he is a good guy." And I'm not saying the guy was a bad guy or anything, but women could see that his behaviour was circumstantial.

I've seen this too. I think to some degree we all do it. There is a camaraderie, just hanging out with the guys.

But there are those guys who just don't 'get it'. Usually it's pretty apparent early on. It won't take long for those guys to start talking shit about their wives behind their back. We all might grumble a little here or there, minor things. But if you seriously don't respect your wife or marriage, why are you married?

I think after a few beers, most guys would know who they would be able to invite in for fun. May not get the really devious ones sorted out right away, but after time they usually show up for what they are.

 

[cypressknee]

Most if not all of my buddies are fully aware of who I'm married to and thus why they're always asking if they can have a BBQ at our place or football night when it's not even footballs season ??

My wife is definitely eye candy for them all while they're here. Makes me proud that she's mine

Same here…and with summer coming…and pool season…it’s about to get “busy”

 

[luckyseven]

Ultimately you have to trust your and your partner's instincts and situational judgment. You both need to own the outcomes regardless of what the rulebook said.

Getting with friends may increase the consequences of something going wrong, but it may also increase the comfort level.

To me the key is an honest assessment of the person and circumstances involved. If you invite your buddy in to fuck your wife and he starts trying to hit her up for one-on-one activity in contravention of agreed upon parameters then you misjudged your friend's character and/or his feelings about your wife. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for us to misjudge people close to us because we get along with them in neutral or benign circumstances. You can't really know what a person is like in more challenging scenarios unless you have experienced that with them.

We have lots of friends that I would not think suitable to be a 3rd, either because I see an obvious inclination to not handle it well or because I don't know how they would handle it. But there are a few in whom I do have a lot of confidence. I'd still be wary, but if circumstances were suitable I would not preclude them.

As others have said, we started by saying not to involve friends, but we broke our rules with several of my male and couple friends.

It's hard to say let's not involve friends or it has been for us. Something that kind of has to go on a case by case basis. We've had people we've had sex with become good friends. We've had friends looking to get into the lifestyle and liked the idea of being with people they knew versus strangers. We've both had exes we're still close and have sex with as well. Plus it's always nice to have a connection outside of the bedroom for when things are done or in between.

Funshyne has perfectly expressed our experience. We have been fortunate and haven't had too many issues, and those we had were quickly resolved. We regard sex as an extension of our friendship, creating a strong bond through recreational sex with like-minded people.

 

[One_ping_only]

Same here…and with summer coming…and pool season…it’s about to get “busy”

We, she doesn't mind the guys coming over. She's a good host and enjoys their company for the most part since they're cool guys but she has no clue the attraction they have for her. May be best for me to leave it that way or she'll just become self conscious and not be as " friendly " if she knew what was in their dirty minds haaaaa!?!?

I don't tell her what to wear or do but it seems as if she always manages to wear just the right length of a sundress or the cute but sexy shorts?? I just keep my mouth shut for now hmmmmm

 

[Handydan]

Nothing like hot tubing with a couple. When the girls get out to get drinks and your buddy asking you if you want a blow job from his wife.

 

[Sgts19]

We were best friends with another couple for a few years and did everything together ..no sexual. Over time it slowly started to change. He and I were big into photgraphy and were always taking pics of each others wife, nude included. We camped a lot so it was usually nude everywhere we were. One night, I think it was his Bday, we ended up on my back deck, nude of coarse. The making out changed when my wife went down on him and started sucking his cock. His wife and I were laying right next to them and did got into a 69. We all eventually came and from that date we had oral sex a lot !! Maybe a month maybe two we were playing a game and ended up fucking our own wife doggy. The girls were hip to hip when he looked at me I looked at him and we switched. Unblievable we were all so excited it was like the first fuck of our lives. We flipped over onto our backs and they were on top of us. Looking at my wifes smiling face bounching on another cock was something special. From then on it was off to the races we pretty much did everything we could think of. Well over 10 years then a 15 year break now back together with them

 

[cypressknee]

We, she doesn't mind the guys coming over. She's a good host and enjoys their company for the most part since they're cool guys but she has no clue the attraction they have for her. May be best for me to leave it that way or she'll just become self conscious and not be as " friendly " if she knew what was in their dirty minds haaaaa!?!?

I don't tell her what to wear or do but it seems as if she always manages to wear just the right length of a sundress or the cute but sexy shorts?? I just keep my mouth shut for now hmmmmm

That is pretty much my exact situation..it’s fun when I catch them looking and they have a scared look in their eyes…like “uhh ohh” but I just smile and nod like go ahead buddy…look allll you want

 

[CockSparrow]

In our case, we got our friends involved (or, perhaps more correctly, we got involved with friends) before we really made a formal decision to share.

We had been to a party, out of town, and we had left our car at our friends' place and gone with them in their car. Coming home, we left the party pretty late, and decided to stay over at our friends' place where the four of us piled into their king-sized bed. From there, it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to my mate saying that he'd love to fuck my wife. 'I'd be up for that,' my wife said. And I told her to go ahead. My mate's wife seemed to take that as an invitation for her and me to fuck too. It was fun. And, after that first time, we did it many more times. But then our friends moved to Australia.

Having 'broken the ice' (and found that we liked it), we talked to another couple of our friends about a swap. They were up for it. And that worked out too. We had a regular thing going with them for almost five years - before we moved out of town.

I don't think that we ever seriously thought about doing it with strangers.