Is it possible for a woman to have zero sexual thoughts?

[pfflyerhot]

Originally Posted by subwannabe: Is it possible for a woman to have zero sexual thoughts?

Nope... but, then again... I'm not married.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[eric60red]

Nope... but, then again... I'm not married.

What difference does that make?

 

[coati]

But it does for many, and neither position deserves castigation IMO. . Fwiw, I have done things the otherway around. My husband is monogamous and it was a non negotiable for him that I be so too, while dating etc. Its worked well for us, and while I felt I would feel caged its been very fulfilling in other ways. A lot of my friends didn't think we'd last a month let alone the many years we have done.

The trick For me has ben however you do it, and to throw yourself wholeheartedly into whatever your relationship is, to be fully communicative, even in times when ebbs exist, and to remember why we are together. Marriages can survive with strength all kinds of tragedies, or terrible circumstances, but I think to do so they demand love, communication and sometimes doing stuff you might feel is a bit of an effort.

Yup, definitely no need for castigation in the discussion about monogamy. I have a few moralistic acquaintances who constantly remind everyone in various ways of God's divine rules about who you are allowed to touch. Most people I know just ignore, rather than castigate, this sort of talk. Some forms of evangelism are nothing more than intense peer pressure based upon fear of going to hell.

For the people who are truly struggling with being trapped in a monogamous relationship that is based upon power or control of sexual expression rather than love, I try to gently remind them that there are other options. I just don't like slavery.

It's a lot easier to negotiate with a controlling person if you are not constantly in a state of sexual frustration. I've been divorced for 15 years and my poor ex-wife still tries to control or shame me in the rare instances when we have to be near each other for social obligations. Now I view that situation as being sad rather than as being caused by my shortcomings. There are so many considerate lovers in this world who do not associate sex with control, and I really enjoy being with these people.

I do get that some people feel most comfortable in a one-on-one relationship for their sexuality, and I've observed cases where it works for the people involved.

 

[ReadingExcitesMe]

It is entirely possible that your (more out of shape than you and therefore probably having some self esteem issues) wife who is capable of orgasm and enjoys sex on the rare occasion that she deigns to fuck you is simply unaware until she is mid orgasm that sexual feelings are fun and exciting.

To sum up, It is definitely not you, it is probably totally just her and some weird quirk that every time she is around you she happens to not be thinking about sex.

I need to talk to your self-esteem coach. I hit on a lot of women and a fair percentage of them don't seem to want to fuck me. It never occurred to me that those women probably NEVER think about sex.

I howled with laughter. Lovely breakdown of the issue, Conager. I salute you.

 

[Aglaopheme]

Resentment is NOT sexy.

 

[Christopher2012]

I will say, I started taking Effexor XR and I have had zero sexual thoughts since starting. Like I don't even care. I'm used to antidepressants causing an inability to orgasm but I had a desire for sex. Now, it's like.... I don't even want it.

I'm a dude though.

(I did NOT read this thread. So if this was covered, my bad.)

 

[robertreams]

Many years ago I discovered a significant difference between a man and a woman when it comes to sex. If you want a man to feel better, fuck him. If you want to fuck a woman make her feel better (good). If a woman is troubled all day with money,and housekeeping, and job and kids, and satisfying her husband, etc., she is never going to feel good enough to fuck.

A man who is greatly depressed can have his situation greatly improved by a 30 minute blow job.

A woman, however is going to want to feel pretty good BEFORE she decides to have sex.

I am not sure how this gets you off your merry-go-round, but You should try improving her mood with no eye to sex. Instead of trying to make her fuck you for the next month, make your target to make her laugh a lot.

 

[eric60red]

Many years ago I discovered a significant difference between a man and a woman when it comes to sex. If you want a man to feel better, fuck him. If you want to fuck a woman make her feel better (good). If a woman is troubled all day with money,and housekeeping, and job and kids, and satisfying her husband, etc., she is never going to feel good enough to fuck.

A man who is greatly depressed can have his situation greatly improved by a 30 minute blow job.

A woman, however is going to want to feel pretty good BEFORE she decides to have sex.

I am not sure how this gets you off your merry-go-round, but You should try improving her mood with no eye to sex. Instead of trying to make her fuck you for the next month, make your target to make her laugh a lot.

Whats a woman feeling pretty to do her deciding to have sex?

 

[Mr. Briggs]

Many years ago I discovered a significant difference between a man and a woman when it comes to sex. If you want a man to feel better, fuck him. If you want to fuck a woman make her feel better (good). If a woman is troubled all day with money,and housekeeping, and job and kids, and satisfying her husband, etc., she is never going to feel good enough to fuck.

A man who is greatly depressed can have his situation greatly improved by a 30 minute blow job.

A woman, however is going to want to feel pretty good BEFORE she decides to have sex.

I am not sure how this gets you off your merry-go-round, but You should try improving her mood with no eye to sex. Instead of trying to make her fuck you for the next month, make your target to make her laugh a lot.

Agreed!!!

 

[LallyH]

If you want a man to feel better, fuck him. If you want to fuck a woman, make her feel better (good). If a woman is troubled all day with money,and housekeeping, and job and kids, and satisfying her husband, etc., she is never going to feel good enough to fuck.

^^^ This!

If my head is full of stresses and concerns, I don't have the mental energy for sex and, for me, my head needs to be engaged in order to get my body interested. The idea of sex then becomes just one more thing for me to *have* to do, or to feel bad about not doing.

Hubby, on the other hand, can switch off from worries at the merest hit of a sexual opportunity - for him, it is a stress reliever.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

^^^ This!

If my head is full of stresses and concerns, I don't have the mental energy for sex and, for me, my head needs to be engaged in order to get my body interested. The idea of sex then becomes just one more thing for me to *have* to do, or to feel bad about not doing.

Hubby, on the other hand, can switch off from worries at the merest hit of a sexual opportunity - for him, it is a stress reliever.

My wife has told me this countless number of times.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

Kids really changed my wife's thinking. Anything outside the norm (in terms of sex) seems to not be her cup of tea

 

[pplwatching]

There's (admittedly stereotypical) sayings for that :

For a man, 90% of sex happens inside of the bedroom. For a woman, 90% of sex happens outside of the bedroom.

For a man, the world is good outside of the bedroom when there's good sex in the bedroom. For a woman, there's good sex in the bedroom when the world outside of the bedroom is good.

But the OP asked us not to go there .

 

[subwannabe]

Yep. I already knew what advice everyone would give, mostly because I've already "been there, done that". No ideas left I haven't already tried. In fact, I've done several of them for years but got tired of being the one who was doing all the work, being romantic, coming up with the ideas, and being the one to initiate. The older I get the more I realize that dirty old men aren't really dirty old men at all. When an older man is with a young woman often it is because she seduced him because his own wife never seduces him, she just expects him to "be romantic" and do all the work, even if she is in her hair curlers wearing a flannel nightgown. That's why I was just wondering if it was possible that a woman could have zero sexual thoughts.

 

[pplwatching]

I know the kind of advice that you don't want, so allow me to offer something different.

You are miserable because you want your wife to show some interest in you sexually, but also you have developed sexual tastes that you would like her to acknowledge and be a part of. It might be worth putting sex aside for a moment. Could this be about your needs not being met outside of the bedroom? Is there a chance that if she at least showed non-sexual interest in you that you would be happier? Perhaps if you look at this in terms of "love languages" one of yours is words of affirmation or acts of love? If instead of outright seducing you, if she were instead to demonstrate that she appreciates you, loves you, and yes even desires you without a sexual context would that make a difference?

I'm not trying to be an ass, although I can certainly see how this might be seen that way. I have to be honest and say that if this is really about who initiates sex, then you seem to be Sisyphus pushing the stone up the hill - only you keep doing it because you resent that she doesn't seduce you at least once in a while. I understand how resentment can build up, but there's a tipping point where if you don't do something about it then it's going to eat away at your marriage until there's nothing left.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you are committed to this woman, and want to be married to her then it may be time for you to take full responsibility for making your marriage healthy, even though she may never initiate sex much less dominate you. Maybe it's time to think about getting some individual counseling to learn how to steer your marriage away from the cliff. The only person that you can change is yourself, and maybe it's time to start doing just that.

Your wife doesn't think about sex and doesn't initiate sex, but will have sex with you (and enjoy it) if you initiate it. That's a start. It seems to me from this side of the fence that if you want to have sex with your wife (and only your wife), minus the submission, then maybe it's time to go back to seducing her when she's in those curlers. That, and go back to doing at least some of that "out of the bedroom" stuff to get her in the mood.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything more concrete for you.

Best to you both

 

[GiggLeGasm]

To cut some people off at the pass, I'm really just looking for an answer to my question and not advice but to satisfy them:

1. No, I'm not romantic anymore although I tried holding hands and her, kissing, etc. out in public the other day. No go. The fact is over the years I have just grown tired of being the one who has to do all the work. It's always me that has to get the ball rolling, being romance or whatever and I've just gotten tired of it. I used to be good in the romance department but I don't understand why it always has to be me. Oh, I think I already said I probably do more housework than she does and watch the kids more than she does.

2. I'm an average guy. I don't look like Fabio and I don't work out and have a hot bod. I've got a small belly and slightly overweight but I'm not a dirty unbathed slob and she is more overweight than I am and doesn't work out either.

3. I seriously doubt that she has someone on the side. That's only a 1 % chance. I just don't see it.

4. She enjoys sex when we do do it and has multiple orgasms, not faked.

5. We really don't have any marital troubles any more than any other couple. Nothing's perfect in any relationship. I just really want to know if it is possible that she NEVER has any sexual thoughts of any kind, EVER.

This has been a very interesting thread. I'm sure you are not alone in your experience and it is always refreshing to read open-hearted discussions about the things we all deal with on some level.

I see some red flags in what you have written. It is your opinion that you don't have "any marital troubles more than any other couple." I wholeheartedly disagree. You resent her enough that you cut off your willingness to be romantic. Each of you actively seeks reason to avoid being intimate. These are things that suggest that you do have marital troubles that are bigger than sex. Sex should be the thing that helps you release the stress of living paycheck to paycheck and caring for children.

If she has already told you that you do more housework and childcare than she does, it means that you've already argued about it. One of two things is true: either she needed to get you off her back or she is so depressed that she is unable to complete these things. Either one warrants professional guidance.

Things can be fixed in a marriage. You can figure out bills. You can work on a sex life. You just can't build up this wall of "I tried already and now I'm done" without backing yourself into a corner. I think that's what you're doing.
I was romantic and she didn't even try.
I'm overweight but she's more overweight.
I can bring her to orgasm despite her lack of interest.

It's a long answer, I know. The short answer isn't enough. It really isn't a yes/no question. In the right circumstances, women think about sex. Truthfully, if I'm trapped in a relationship where we can't effectively work together, sex is a gift we don't deserve and I won't initiate anything. Complicate it with a possible need for medical attention and it's an overwhelming task.

I do have one caveat. If you find that she is clinically depressed and that this has been why she is essentially absent from your marriage, you need to be able to forgive her so that she can forgive herself.

Good luck.. and thank you for presenting such a heartfelt topic

 

[subwannabe]

I guess I gave the wrong impression if posters here thought I was "miserable". I'm just severely bummed out about frequency and getting very tired of having to do all the work. Yes, it would be nice if she iniated anything at all, even non-sexual, but resentment is way to strong of a word for my feelings. As stated before, I really believe a lot of it is due to her hormonal IUD. Of course we have day to day struggles that effect our marriage. Everyone does at some point. There are a lot of stereotypes regarding sex and marriage and they got to be stereotypes in the first place because they are often true even if they don't apply to everybody.

 

[LadyVer]

Well, both women and men can have zero sexual thoughts for all kinds of reasons. It's extremely disheartening to be the partner who wants romance and sex when the other partner doesn't. I've experienced this. It is impossible not to have some kind of resentment knowing your partner has no interest in touching or sex. Regarding anti-depressants, it didn't lower my libido. It stopped the ability to orgasm for a while. I was tempted to stop taking the AD's, but I took a mind over matter approach and didn't give up. Amazingly, it worked.

 

[pplwatching]

I apologize for misunderstanding your meaning. While we're throwing around cliches, how about "When sex isn't a problem it's 5% of a marriage. When sex is a problem, it's 95% of the marriage."

Having walked more than a mile in those shoes, I understand that a love relationship is complex and about much more than sex. It's certainly true that we all have challenges in our marriages. It is a great feeling when we can work together to overcome them, and frustrating when we don't seem to be making any progress on the ones that we're emotionally invested in. If your wife was more interested in sex before hormonal birth control, then it's probably worth at least exploring other options with her.

It seems to me that feelings like "severely bummed out" and "getting very tired of having to do all the work" are strong, even if you're not feeling miserable. At the very least they would seem to be symptoms of an issue that has the potential to erode your relationship outside of the bedroom. Many affairs start because a spouse feels lonely and starved of attention. The biggest problem with deciding not to do the work is that you may be nurturing seeds that would otherwise never grow.

Best to you both

 

[_admiral]

5. We really don't have any marital troubles any more than any other couple. Nothing's perfect in any relationship.

If you're wondering why you're not having sex, comparing the health of your relationship to other couples in general is meaningless, as most of these average couples aren't having sex either. If you want a general idea of whether the health of your relationship is impacting your sex life, you'd get a more useful comparison by comparing your relationship's health to the health of couples who have a good sex life.

And speaking from personal experience, relationship problems can make me completely unattracted to my partner. And after long enough, my partner not only has to work through doing the "right" things in the relationship again, but also my resentment towards him and my resistance to letting him get close enough to hurt me again. So if you do the "right things" a couple of times and she doesn't start swooning and putting out it doesn't mean those aren't the "right things". For me it may take as long for things to go back to normal as it would take to get to that level of intimacy with a new romantic partner, maybe even longer if I've come to see my partner as an enemy (vs a neutral stranger). I may not even be interested in trying to reciprocate effort until my partner makes it back to neutral territory.

 

[Jlt16]

well this sounds like me/us

 

[sybarite_1]

Soulmate Switch

a PUA posted a video on Feb 14 2015 on youtube on how to flip a woman's soulmate switch.
It's a step by step formula already in her psyche from movies and novels and fairy tales. The PUA just exploits her preprogramming.
Any guy can do it to women who are unaware.
If you want the wife to act lovey dovey try it out.
Here's a short course: Ask her what the last spontaneous thing she did was. Ask her if she's adventurous. Now tell her you know a place with a great view...take her to an alley and screw her. Woo Hoo.
Other gambits involve using her Disney stories from childhood, the movie Before Sunrise, staring lovingly into her eyes, kissing her on a bridge (because that's what people do in movies). Any bridge. Even one at a miniature golf course.
My Preference: Using the 36 questions developed by psychologists then looking into each other's eyes for 4 minutes afterwards. I have this app on my ipad and telephone. You can use it on women, men, friends, strangers. The questions are designed to get you more and more intimate with each other on a soul/core value level. The eye staring is used by the PUA when the women have been flirted with and are tipsy in a club or bar. Works like magic.
Just search "36 questions" on the internet and you'll find the questions and the app to download (free).
I also have the kama sutra app on my ipad...I believe that LUCK is being prepared when opportunity presents itself. So be competent by knowing what to do and what to say. Confidence + Competence. The winning combination.

Also, have different interests.
Learn or do something your mate doesn't do.
Then you have something to talk to them about! Different interests.
I've gone on cruises and to other countries by myself. I've studied the language before I went or got a translator for my iphone. I've studied French, Spanish and now I'm reading a book on the Japanese characters. I'll take a course in Japanese, then I'll start on Mandarin in a year. The only other language I'd work on is Italian and only if I meet a long term partner who speaks it fluently and is willing to spend two hours a day practicing with me.

Make a life statement.
Look on the internet on how to do this.
Now you can start making small changes in your lifestyle to accompish your life statement. You become a more interesting person everytime you learn to do something new.

Learn to dance.
You will exercise, meet people and have functions to attend.
After Xmas, I'm doing Salsa and have the Pocket Salsa App on my iphone.
I'm interested in the "styling" lessons. That is the sexy arm movements used during Salsa dancing.

Ballroom interests me too.
I am planning on moving next year just to be closer to the activities I want to do on a regular basis. I'll also be closer to the people who have similar interests.

Studies have shown there is one major condition that determines who you will form a sexual relationship with.
That condition is proximity.
You will chose from people who live near you.
My advice, move to where the type of person you want lives.

And now, I'm going to learn a few phrases in Hindi.
Why the hell not, eh? Keeps the brain young.

Men, the women are desperate to have someone listen to them.
Just ask them WHY they love their job, what their passions are and WHY they love their hobby, charity, church, dancing whatever it is they do. Ask them WHY they love living in the place you're in (city, country, state).
The WHY gets them to respond emotionally and women are desperate to share their emotions. You will be different from all the other men and you'll have your dick screwed off. If that's what you want.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Wow. A how to lie to women guide. Just what the men of Lit need....

 

[Eilan]

a PUA posted a video on Feb 14 2015 on youtube on how to flip a woman's soulmate switch.
It's a step by step formula already in her psyche from movies and novels and fairy tales. The PUA just exploits her preprogramming.

Are you sure you're a chick? What self-respecting woman would think anything PUA-related is a good idea?