I think I made a mistake, but I don't know where

[WinsomeWeb]

A few days ago, I published The Night Remains in Sci-Fi/Fantasy. As someone who grows to hate everything they write the moment it's done, I actually still feel like this one turned out pretty well on a technical level (though critique is always appreciated), but it's also only had like four votes in three days. I have always been a terrible titler and synopsisizer, but I feel like this goes beyond just not enticing people to click on the story, but driving people away when they're there. The story is a little slow to start, so perhaps it's only bad pacing, but I worry that the problem here is not how it's written, but more Literotica-specific to how I use the site, and I'm worried that, if someone doesn't spell out for me what the problem is, I'll make this mistake again.

I would very much appreciate any advice here for how to avoid doing this in the future. I was kind of hoping, for better or worse, to have 10 to 15-ish votes in the first couple of days, and I am a little curious why it fell so short. And I mean, the people that get to the end seem to like it, I'm just surprised the engagement is so low. I don't need stories to get hundreds of favourites, but when I write them to be read, I would like to know I'm at least getting them in front of the right audience. Is it just terribly categorized? I wrote it to be erotic horror, but I was able to work with a volunteer editor who suggested Sci-Fi/Fantasy instead, and frankly I think he was right that it didn't quite hit that erotic horror vibe, but maybe it should have been somewhere else? Non-human? Non-con/Reluctance? Maybe it's just too many kinks mashed together in an unappealing way, or the content warnings are driving people to click off? Maybe it's just the length/style that's dissuasive, but it's only 5 Literotica pages. I don't think that qualifies as very much here.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Just thought I'd ask for the wisdom of the forum. Any thoughts are appreciated on where I went wrong.

 

[AlinaX]

I'm not in the right headspace to read right now, but I do want to rewrite the first sentence a bit:

The Margot Estate stood like the oppressive maw of a monster, descending each night from the black sky to devour the city of Richmond.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The content warning might put people off, sure, but for me (this is brutal, and not fair on the story at all), but that first paragraph was too over-written, vivid purple prose, far too much for me. But that's a personal style preference only, just me saying, too florid for my taste.

Thinking about it, if you'd not had the warning that flagged non-con (which I don't read - nor do I ever check tags) I might have gone on a bit, but I doubt I'd have got much further.

Which possibly means, for me personally as a reader, style trumps content, but I don't need warnings. If the prose caught me and kept me, I'd have probably sailed right past the non-con, when eventually I got to it.

I'm intrigued by my own response, but it's not very helpful.

Sci-Fi and Fantasy is always tricky, I think, because those who want faery princesses in high castles probably don't want space ships and robots - so your sub-title wasn't super helpful in terms of flagging which genre.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

The content warning might put people off, sure, but for me (this is brutal, and not fair on the story at all), but that first paragraph was too over-written, vivid purple prose, far too much for me. But that's a personal style preference only, just me saying, too florid for my taste.

Thinking about it, if you'd not had the warning that flagged non-con (which I don't read - nor do I ever check tags) I might have gone on a bit, but I doubt I'd have got much further.

Which possibly means, for me personally as a reader, style trumps content, but I don't need warnings. If the prose caught me and kept me, I'd have probably sailed right past the non-con, when eventually I got to it.

Well, that's fair. Thanks very much for telling me.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

I'm not in the right headspace to read right now, but I do want to rewrite the first sentence a bit:

Oh, so sorry, I didn't realize that was the rewrite, I thought you were just leaving a note to rewrite it later. But yeah, I like that, simplifies it a lot. Thanks! I feel like I like the sound of 'perch' in that sentence over 'black sky', and would rather keep the former in than the latter, but I can't think of a way to do it that is as good as your version.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I gave your story a quick glance. I didn't get far but what stood out to me was the amount of exposition you put at the beginning of your story. It's not a good idea to write extensively about some manor that no reader cares about yet. Lit readers have so many stories at their disposal and they won't invest time in yours unless you catch their attention early on. You usually need to catch their interest with some action or some scene, with some interesting or attractive character, and only then when they are invested in the story, you can delve into exposition some more.
For example, I would have opened the story with the scene that involved the groundskeeper and the pitchfork, using much more dialog, more screams and yelling to give the scene some dynamics. Also, maybe some internal monologue to convey the feeling of dread. Maybe add an erotic moment too, like her skirt getting ripped, showing her lovely legs or something like that, something that would pique readers' interest and make them care about the manor and Abbie.
Once you get the readers invested, you can tell a bit more about the manor, describe some unusual things happening there, and so on.

Judging by the first page only, your story is somewhat lacking in dialog. That's as far as I went.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Hey I wanted to read more thoroughly before replying but it sounds like I'm not the only one having this problem: I didn't feel motivated to continue reading because I didn't understand the significance of this house, these council members, Abbie, her arsonist friend, etc.

I also found myself skimming, which makes me think your story would be more appealing if it were more concise. This seems consistent with your report that few people are rating it. The rating is at the end so people who don't finish usually don't rate.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

Ah, that's too bad. I guess I'm a little glad that it's as simple as just pacing/writing issues. Well, thanks anyways, folks. I appreciate the attempts.

 

[StillStunned]

I haven't read the whole story, just the opening paragraphs. I see what you were doing with the description, and I actually like it. It sets the mood and creates a very vivid picture.

But I think the problem is one of category. It would work great if you were writing a horror story, where it's all about mood. Even urban fantasy - which often overlaps with horror - would work if you made it clear in your tagline that that's the genre.

In the SF/F genre, I'd personally have opened with more action: Abbie on the way to the house, perhaps. And once you've established that, you can set the mood by having her look up and see the house looming over her, and then add the background.

 

[countdowntolov3]

I read it. It's good. I found it compelling, even though mind control is really not my thing.

I think all the advice above is good and just wanted to say it holds true even after a full reading.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

I appreciate the feedback. I'll just have to tamp it down in the future a bit. Before I wrote this one, I recently had someone tell me that I have a tendency not to be specific enough, so I may have overcorrected here too much and added too much unnecessary information. I do like flowery, orante writing, but I do see now that it was too perhaps heavy-handed and too difficult as a point of entry into the story, followed by too meandering a setup.

Thanks to everyone for giving it a go and sharing your thoughts.

 

[countdowntolov3]

@WinsomeWeb - Thank you for putting yourself out there and making this thread. I learned a lot from following along.