Help me figure this out, please

[Rob_Royale]

I haven't posted a story for feedback since my first, but this one puzzled me.
Dreams of Him is my latest. It's in the mature category and it's about a wife who has been dreaming about her daughter's fiancé.
When it was posted a few days ago, I looked at my responses the next morning to find that after 40 votes, I had a 3.3 star rating.
Now I'm not bragging when I say that's unusual. Even my Loving Wives story got a better initial reaction. After a few days, it has climbed up to 100 votes and a 4.32 rating and that's fine, but it is still struggling. The rating drops and recovers.

I'm not concerned with the rating. It's a gauge of how the readers enjoyed the story. At this point, it seems most people did. Mission accomplished. But those first 40 or so votes at 3.3 are a real anomaly to me. I have seven glowing comments and no negative ones.

The numbers suggest that there is something about the story that people either don't like or are on the fence about. If you have a few minutes to kill would you mind checking out the story and helping me figure out where I dropped the ball on this one? It is 8.3k words.
Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to talk about any criticism you might have. I'm a big boy, I can take it.

 

[StillStunned]

I haven't read more than the first few hundred words, but perhaps it's the "Dear Diary" format. Anything that's non-standard tends to draw low votes, particularly the first few days when it's on the "New Stories" list and readers just click them all to see what they're about.

 

[SyleusSnow]

Hmm... yeah, it could be the epistolary style, or constant switching between dreams and reality, but I bet the reason is simply that readers were looking forward to Katie and the guy really getting it on at the end. Lots of build up, tension and well-described sex then poof.

Personally, I like your ending and the message, but I can see average readers being disappointed. It's hard to know what readers will like... some of my stinkers have gotten high scores... but it seems the way a story ends affects the score the most.

 

[yowser]

Okay, I gave it a read, haven't gotten to your stuff before, so a good excuse for that. I am in the 'difficult-to-please' phylum, so bear that in mine.

I see two main flaws here that likely contributed to your suboptimal results, and I'll mention some stylistic bits to 'work on/be aware of' for future efforts.

I don't have a problem with the 'diary' format as a way of story telling, but it needs to be done authentically and subtly. You come up short in a number of ways, and I'll mention a couple.

Main trouble is that it reads like a man writing a woman-character. This is another tough one (and I see from your list you've done this more than once.) I'm taking you at face value, identifying as male in your profile, so apologies if this is not the case.

Too many things don't work with this: descriptions of drywall and construction activities sound more like what a male would write. None of the women I have been with have been all that enamoured with the muscle-guy look (not that they don't exist, but the mesomorph body tends to be more of a male-take than female preoccupation.) There are other bits that sound off-key, but for me, this really didn't work on that level.

The phrase 'dear diary' is overdone. Not sure any diarists/journal keepers I ever knew used this convention, and maybe you could get away with it at at the very beginning, to set the stage, but by the time I am reading this three or four times into the work, I am unconvinced, and annoyed.

Other parts of the diary just don't ring true. Would a diarist really write: "HOOOOO, FRANK! THAT FEELS SO GOOD, IT'S SO GOOD!" I wailed.

The caps maybe, but not the extended vocalisations. You drift in and out of the diary style, adhering to it sometimes but often reverting to a porn script type of recital. The sex did not work for me at all, it was too pornlike, too narrative, too sportscaster.

You've got a serious adverb tic, way too many of them:

wantonly
enthusiastically
gently
rapturously
proudly
softly
happily.
adoringly
seductively
heartily
playfully
sheepishly
despondently

By the time I got to the third 'lasciviously' I was ready to leave. Again, not really diary style.

I didn't care for how you ended things, not a bad idea in principle, but unsatisfying for me.

Okay, there's the cannon shrapnel, I took you at your word that you'd accept it. Your story got good comments, certainly reached your readership, you're doing something right for here. But you might keep a couple of these points in mind for future efforts. Good luck.

 

[KeithD]

I'm not concerned with the rating. It's a gauge of how the readers enjoyed the story. At this point, it seems most people did. Mission accomplished. But those first 40 or so votes at 3.3 are a real anomaly to me. I have seven glowing comments and no negative ones.

Or it could be a phenomenon of who is reading during a holiday period. I've noticed lower ratings across my accounts during this holiday season too. I've assumed that it's just that a few of my regular (and favoring) readers aren't reading much during this period.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Okay, there's the cannon shrapnel, I took you at your word that you'd accept it. Your story got good comments, certainly reached your readership, you're doing something right for here. But you might keep a couple of these points in mind for future efforts. Good luck.

That's very much for your fine critique. I wouldn't dispute any of your points. Admittedly I've always been heavy on adverbs. I like for my characters to emote, so I want the readers to understand their body language/facial expressions/tone of voice when things are happening. I probably do overdo it. I will remember it for future work.

The things that likely wouldn't appear in a diary entry are a good point. I just fell into 1st person writing style and didn't think much of it.

And as for a man writing as a woman, there's no avoiding that. I wrote this remembering my wife's reaction to Chris Hemsworth in Thor. There's a scene where he's faced with his hammer in the rock and it's raining. He grasped the hammer and pulled, the muscles in his arms flexed, the shirt is plastered to his body and my wife went "hoo" sitting next to me in the theater. Yep, she let out a little moan, in the middle of the movie. So I just used that as inspiration for this character.

And as for the ending, unsatisfying was the point. It had to be or it's just another LW story. Thanks again. I do appreciate the time you spent.

Thanks also to @StillStunned and @SyleusSnow. Appreciate your time and opinions. Writing is a journey, and occasionally you take a wrong turn. The best we can do is deal with it with good grace.

 

[StillStunned]

Thanks also to @StillStunned and @SyleusSnow. Appreciate your time and opinions. Writing is a journey, and occasionally you take a wrong turn. The best we can do is deal with it with good grace.

I don't think there are any wrong turns, as long as you enjoyed the ride.

 

[Devinter]

For what it's worth, I love the use of a lot of adverbs. I know that the general rules is "less is more," but to me MORE IS MORE when it comes to describing things - especially faces, emotions, what the characters are thinking. Because this is what truly separates erotica from other mediums. Adverbs included or excluded, granted - but I like the picture to be as clear as possible, and words such as rapturously adds a powerful effect in my opinion.

He watched rapturously as my bush disappeared. - Shows emotion.

He watched as my bush disappeared. - Feels robotic to me.

But as I said, I'm in the minority here, and I pepper my stories with more adverbs than anyone should be legally allowed to.

 

[SyleusSnow]

I don't think there are any wrong turns, as long as you enjoyed the ride.

Just so. If the goal is to please a specific type of reader, write with them in mind.

Otherwise, write what you want and scores be damned. From the story comments, some readers appreciated the story. I think comments are a better indication of reader satisfaction than ratings.

Adverbs are fine when used judicially... to hell with Stephen King and his "the road to hell is paved with adverbs" crap.

 

[yowser]

For what it's worth, I love the use of a lot of adverbs. I know that the general rules is "less is more," but to me MORE IS MORE when it comes to describing things - especially faces, emotions, what the characters are thinking. Because this is what truly separates erotica from other mediums. Adverbs included or excluded, granted - but I like the picture to be as clear as possible, and words such as rapturously adds a powerful effect in my opinion.

He watched rapturously as my bush disappeared. - Shows emotion.

He watched as my bush disappeared. - Feels robotic to me.

But as I said, I'm in the minority here, and I pepper my stories with more adverbs than anyone should be legally allowed to.

I am not against adverbs, merely the overuse of them. In this story they fly at you like bats out of a cave, and their usage is often a lazy shortcut to what could have been a more nuanced description.

How about:

He watched as my bush disappeared. His eyes gleamed, riveted on every moment as my hand worked the razor, as if he couldn't quite believe what was happening. And that smile on his face just kept getting wider.

Okay, more words, but a much better picture of what (might have) occurred. I think readers appreciate and have confidence with a 'perceptive' narrator, one who they trust can notice the fine bits.

 

[Devinter]

I am not against adverbs, merely the overuse of them. In this story they fly at you like bats out of a cave, and their usage is often a lazy shortcut to what could have been a more nuanced description.

How about:

He watched as my bush disappeared. His eyes gleamed, riveted on every moment as my hand worked the razor, as if he couldn't quite believe what was happening. And that smile on his face just kept getting wider.

Okay, more words, but a much better picture of what (might have) occurred. I think readers appreciate and have confidence with a 'perceptive' narrator, one who they trust can notice the fine bits.

This is certainly true. I try to balance it between adverbs and lengthier descriptions in my stories, but find often that I would benefit from going through my stories an extra time at the end to make certain descriptions and passages pop more. It's a shame I dislike the editing process too much. But when I write freely, I don't always go that extra mile the first time around. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to adapt more of a "Quality over quantity" approach, despite readers begging for more content. I want to write something I can feel truly proud of.

 

[AmberSolis]

I haven't posted a story for feedback since my first, but this one puzzled me.
Dreams of Him is my latest. It's in the mature category and it's about a wife who has been dreaming about her daughter's fiancé.
When it was posted a few days ago, I looked at my responses the next morning to find that after 40 votes, I had a 3.3 star rating.
Now I'm not bragging when I say that's unusual. Even my Loving Wives story got a better initial reaction. After a few days, it has climbed up to 100 votes and a 4.32 rating and that's fine, but it is still struggling. The rating drops and recovers.

I'm not concerned with the rating. It's a gauge of how the readers enjoyed the story. At this point, it seems most people did. Mission accomplished. But those first 40 or so votes at 3.3 are a real anomaly to me. I have seven glowing comments and no negative ones.

The numbers suggest that there is something about the story that people either don't like or are on the fence about. If you have a few minutes to kill would you mind checking out the story and helping me figure out where I dropped the ball on this one? It is 8.3k words.
Thanks in advance, and I'll be happy to talk about any criticism you might have. I'm a big boy, I can take it.

You did not drop the ball. It's a great story all of its own, as are all your others. My favorite of yours is "The Ravishment of Melody." But, back to your original point: you just never know how a story will be received. So, screw them, and keep writing, please!

 

[Rob_Royale]

You did not drop the ball. It's a great story all of its own, as are all your others. My favorite of yours is "The Ravishment of Melody." But, back to your original point: you just never know how a story will be received. So, screw them, and keep writing, please!

Amber, thanks very much. I'm overjoyed you liked RoM. I thought it was on the edge of acceptability, but I've heard from you and other women that I did hit the mark, so I'm quite proud of it. I appreciate the kind words and I will certainly continue writing.