Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Jay Leno Quote!!!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to
take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Well said Mr Leno
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Apple computers announcement

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
store and play music. The i-TIT will cost from $499 to $699, depending on
cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[neonlyte]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
store and play music. The i-TIT will cost from $499 to $699, depending on
cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

I presume it's stereo.

 

[TE999]

An airliner is approaching LAX and the captain announces: "Welcome to Los Angeles, weather is sunny and warm, we'll be landing in a few minutes, thanks for flying Takeachance Airlines."

He forgets to turn off the intercom.

"So what you got on in L A?" says the co-pilot.

"Well," the captain replies, "I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a huge crap, then shower and take that new flight attendant with the big tits out to dinner. I'll wine and dine her, then take her back to the room and she can ride the baloney pony all night long."

"You lucky sonofabitch," the co-pilot responds.

The flight attendant hears this and goes running up the aisle to warn the captain his intercom's still on. She trips on an old woman's purse and falls down.

"No sense rushing dearie," says the old woman. "He has to land this thing and take a shit first."

 

[DG Hear]

Facts about the Human Body

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

1. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more! you dre am.

2. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3. The smallest is the male sperm.

4. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedi! a Britan nica.

11. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Different Ways Of Looking At Things

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

--------------------------------- ------ -------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------- -----------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

 

[DG Hear]

Seven Kinds Of Sex ...

Seven Kinds Of Sex ...

The 1st kind of sex is called .....Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until
you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say .. 'Fuck You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife
any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own !!!

 

[DG Hear]

The Differences Between Men and Women

NICKNAMES

a.. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
b.. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

a.. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change
back.
b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but
it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

a.. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.

ARGUMENTS

a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.
b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she
does.

DRESSING UP

a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

a.. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!

 

[DG Hear]

Bubblewrap on line

STRESS RELIEF....

A great stress reliever for this time of year!!! Go ahead, you know you want to.............


BUBBLEWRAP
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

You might have to copy and past the link. If you know how to do direct please fix it for others.
Thank you
DG Hear

 

[damppanties]

STRESS RELIEF....

A great stress reliever for this time of year!!! Go ahead, you know you want to.............


BUBBLEWRAP
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

You might have to copy and past the link. If you know how to do direct please fix it for others.
Thank you
DG Hear

I liked the manic mode.

 

[DG Hear]

Me Too!

I liked the manic mode.

Yep! No need to copy and paste. Just click on the web site and get rid of a little stress. Thanks for commenting DP. I try to keep adding humorous stuff, thanks to a few other posters, we are getting some reads.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Political but funny.

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lords name are you lads thinking over there in the colonies?

 

[kimbalee]

so simple to decide when put in those terms...

 

[TE999]

Euphemisims for Corporate Layoffs

Dissing the gruntled.

The Corporate Catch-and-Release Program.

Causing 404's on the Career Server

Moving 1/3 of the workforce to within a dead dog and an evil woman of a blues classic.

Issuing transfers to Monster.com.

H. R. Rufstuf

Hiring a whole bunch of people, only backwards.

Beaming the red shirted extras down to the evil Monster planet.

Separating the wheat from the chaff that doesn't kiss enough ass.

Butt harvesting in the cube farm.

Eternity leave.

Transferring to the Couch Division.

Down-shafting.

Enlarging the Cult of Oprah.

Helping stem the dangerously high employment rate.

Returning Yuppies to the wild.

Implementing the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Prevention Program.

Reallocation of Senior Management Bonus Resources.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer.


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it........these were the good old days

when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."

CLEAN humour? So it's better to make jokes that degrade women than to utter an occasional four-letter-word? The jokes above all show women as nagging shop-a-holics who treat their husbands badly and men would be better off without them, both financially and emotionally.

But in REAL life, it's usually exactly the opposite - men spend household cash on trinkets for themselves, they are involved in more car accidents than women, and men who are dingle or divorced have less good health than married men; whereas women who are single or divorced tend to have improved health, both fysically and mentally.

Men need women. Men want women. So why are men so often not just making harmless fun of women, but downright hostile? And why do they badmouth marriage, when men make up the biggest group of members on matchmakign sites?

End of rant. In short; I thought these jokes weren't funny at all, just humiliating for women.

 

[DG Hear]

Wow!

Calm down Ms. Flicka, Like the stories we write not every story is for everyone. The same goes for humor. Not every joke is for everyone. Post something here that you find humorous. We allow equal time for everyone here. Sorry Mr. Red's jokes offended you but he still was one of the great ones. (in my opinion)

 

[TE999]

Thought For The Day

Some people are like Slinkies

Not really good for anything

Yet, they always bring a smile to your face

When you push them down a flight of stairs.

 

[TE999]

A 6 yo boy is taken to a nude beach with his parents.

He notices that many women have larger boobs than his mother and asks why.

The mother replies "The larger they are, the sillier the woman is."

Curiosity satisfied, he runs off to play.

Then he returns and asks why some of the men have larger things than his father.

The mother says "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

He runs off to play, but returns to announce "Daddy's talking to the silliest woman on the beach, and the longer he talks the dumber he gets."

 

[SeaCat]

Several Chinese Virgins are sitting around talking about their perfect husband.

The first one says she wants her husband to have a tattoo of a Dragon on his right shoulder because it shows his virility.

The others nod their heads and agree.

The second says she wants hers to have a Dragon tattooed on his back showing not only his Virility but his strength,

The others nod and agree this would be a great thing.

The third, after much coaxing from the others finally admits that she would like her husband to have his draggin on the floor.

Cat

 

[DG Hear]

*Gambling Blonde*

*Gambling Blonde*

*Two bored casino Dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ...and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.*

*She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.'*

*With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
'Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!'*

*As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and*

*squealed... 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'*

*She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes, and quickly departed.*

*The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'*

*The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'*

*Moral ---*

*Not all Southerners are stupid.*

*Not all blondes are dumb.*

*But, all men..... are men*

 

[kimbalee]

(giggling) Good one, DG.

 

[Elianna]

BWA ha ha ha ha.....

 

[DesertPirate]

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to
take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on
Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.



It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

[DG Hear]

Brain exercise

I thought it was kind of easy. If you have a problem let me know
DG

This is FUN and a really good exercise for our BRAINS........

Can you find the B (there are 2 B's)?


RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Once you've found the b

Find the 1

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1IIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Once you found the 1..............


Find the 6

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999


once you've found the 6...

Find the N (it's a bit harder)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

once you've found the N...

Find the Q.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That's is. Hope you feel smarter now.
DG

 

[TE999]

The Top 25 Country Song Titles of All Time

25. Get your tongue out of my mouth 'cause I'm kissin' you goodbye.

24. Her teeth was stained, but her heart was pure.

23. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

22. I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling.

21. I sold a car to the guy who stole my girl, but it don't run so we're even.

20. I keep forgettin' I forgot about you.

19. I liked you better before I knew you so well.

18. I still miss you honey, but my aim's gettin' better.

17. I wouldn't take her to a dog fight, 'cause I'm afraid she'd win.

16. I'll marry you tomorrow, let's honeymoon tonight.

15. I'm so miserable without you, it's like havin' you here.

14. I've got tears in my ears from lyin' on my back in my bed as I cry over you.

13. If I can't be Number One in your life, then Number Two on you.

12. If I'd shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out by now.

11. Mama get a hammer, there's a fly on Daddy's head.

10. My head hurts, my feet stink and I don't love you.

9. My wife ran off with my best friend and I sure miss him.

8. Please bypass this heart.

7. She got the ring and I got the finger.

6. You done tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

5. Yore the reason our kids are so ugly.

4. If the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me.

3. She's actin' single and I'm drinkin' doubles.

2. She's lookin' better after every beer.

And the Number One Country Song Title is:

1. I ain't gone to bed with no ugly women, but I sure woke up with a few.