Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Cheney was giving the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."



"OH NO!" the President yells. "That's terrible....just terrible!" His staff watches as he buries his head in his hands and saying, "this is bad; bad for the coalition." He looks up at Cheney, perplexed and befuddled.



His staff sits stunned at this display since he had never shown much interest when other reports came in of American casualties.


Finally, the President looks up and asks to no one in particular, "So exactly how many is a brazillian?"

 

[DG Hear]

Riddles!!!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

----------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A. One US leader.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
---------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
---------------------------------------------------------
Q. A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
A. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
---------------------------------------------------------
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. 4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. Moms have Mother's Day; fathers have Father's Day. What do single guys
have?
A. Palm Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A. If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A. They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard

 

[redpaint]

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tell a woman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
"Cos it doesn't need cleaning yet.

 

[redpaint]

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

 

[redpaint]

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.

They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."

He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"

The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"

He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."

The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"

The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it's no WONDER you have no teeth!!"

 

[redpaint]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

 

[redpaint]

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

 

[redpaint]

Subject: Fw: Mountain Man In the Army

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[redpaint]

Jokes That Dogs Tell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBgxNGVRJHA

 

[DG Hear]

Crutches

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying

erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks
his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even
walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the Doctor explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective
surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning on lengthening Ralph's
legs, aren't you?"

 

[DG Hear]

Wax in her navel

A pretty co-ed nervously asked her doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen anyway?"

At first the girl looked nervous, but after a drawn out silence she finally smiled and said, "Let me put it this way doctor, my boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

 

[DG Hear]

Cowboy and Indians

A cowboy had been caught by warring Indians and was about to be killed when he yells, "Please, let me talk to my horse."

The Indians all thought he was crazy and let him go to his horse. He leans close and whispers something in its ear. The horse takes off madly over the hills and after only a few minutes ccomes back with a beautiful naked blonde on its back.

The cowboy takes the blonde off the horse and lays her on the ground and has mad passionate sex with her while all the Indians watch.

After he's done with her he requests another talk with his horse. The Indians, amazed at what they'd just seen agreed. So the cowboy walks over to the horse and whisperes in its ear again.

The horse takes off again and after a few minutes comes back with a beautiful naked redhead in the saddle. He takes her down off the horse and goes at her with just as much energy as he'd done before.

When hes gotten off again, he stands up and asks to talk to his horse again.

The Indians look at the naked and obviously satisfied woman still lying on the ground, then they look back at the cowboy and once more agree. So he walks over to the horse and whispers something else into its ear again.

The horse once again takes off and then cames back after only a few minutes with a beautiful naked brunette on its back. The cowboy groans, but takes the brunette off the horse and bangs her with gusto while the Indian community watches.

After he cums once again he stands, breathing hard, requests yet another talk with his horse.

The Indians, now totally amazed, agree. They're enjoying the strange event and want to see what the crazy cowboy will do next.

The panting cowboy walks over to the horse and whispers in its ear, "I'm only going to say this once more. Now read my lips, POSSE, NOT PUSSY! Got it!"

 

[DG Hear]

Talk about a dumbass

After three years of marriage, wifey was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon honey, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

She promised she wouldn't get angry, and finally convinced her husband to tell her.

"Okay sweetie," he said, then thinking aloud and he softly continues, "Lets see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, there's you... nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."

 

[DG Hear]

The Bus and the Zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she
still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'

 

[DG Hear]

I'm not a big cat lover but you have to love these!

Remember Lucky?

 

[DG Hear]

It could happen!

Two middle-aged couples go on a camping trip. The men stay
> > in one tent and the women stay in the other.
> > At about two in the morning one man wakes up and
> > says, "Oh my gosh!"
> > The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"
> > The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just
> > woke up with the
> > biggest erection I've ever had!!!"
> > "Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy.
> > "Why would you do that?"
> > "Because you're holding my dick.

 

[DG Hear]

Wise Chinese Proverbs:

Virginity is like a bubble. One prick, and it's gone.

A man with his hand in his pocket feels cocky all day.

A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano, while a wise man gives his wife an upright organ.

A man who scratches his ass a lot should not bite his fingernails.

Wife who puts her husband in the doghouse, soon finds him in a cathouse.

Husbands who fight with their wife all day get no "piece" at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

 

[epiphany65]

A couple were on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[DG Hear]

Quote of the Century!!!

"I now vote Republican. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."

-- Monica Lewinsky

 

[glynndah]

And another for the cat section...

 

[DG Hear]

Extra large condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do ma'am. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"



They were some cute kitties Glynndah.
DG

 

[TE999]

A married couple in their early sixties were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly a beautiful, tiny, blue fairy appeared on their table.

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other all this time, I'll grant each of you one wish."

The wife said, "I want to travel around the world with my husband."

Poof! Two tickets for a 'round the world cruise appeared in her hands.

"Well this is all quite romantic," the husband said. "But an opportunity like this doesn't come along every day. I want a wife 30 years younger than me."

The fairy and the wife frowned, but a wish is a wish.

Poof! The husband became 92 years old.

Moral: Men who are ungrateful bastards shouldn't forget fairies are female.

 

[DG Hear]

Men Strike Back ! ! ! !

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules !
Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping

 

[DG Hear]

APPLES and WINE

APPLES and WINE


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the very top. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is smart and brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


As for men...men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Special Classes for Men​

1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.

3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.

7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

11. Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.

12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.