Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.'He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

 

[Handley_Page]

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." Clint Eastwood -

"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country." Alfred Hitchcock -

"A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it." Roger Ebert -

"Every great film should seem new every time you see it." Kareem Abdul-Jabar -

"My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay." Kenneth Tynan -

"The greatest films are those which show how society shapes man. The greatest plays are those which show how man shapes society."

 

[Handley_Page]

The Official Moron Test

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

[ I confess to not understanding Q4 ]

 

[DG Hear]

The Official Moron Test

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

[ I confess to not understanding Q4 ]

Did you want the answers to these? They are real questions but tricky. The answer to Q4: is six. (In baseball) Each team gets three outs. I do know the answer to most of the rest if no one guesses.
DG

 

[WaywardandLost]

The Hairbrush Song (Here are the Lyrics)

Narrator: "Now it's time for silly songs with Larry.
The part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song.
Our curtain opens as Larry, having just finished his morning
bath, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Larry cries out..."

Larry: "Oh, where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh, where,
oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh,
where oh, where ... is my hairbrush?"

Narrator: "Having heard his cry, Pa Grape enters the scene. Shocked and
slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Pa regains his
composure and reports ..."

Pa: "I think I saw a hairbrush back there!"

Larry: "Back there is my hairbrush. Back there is my hairbrush. Back
there, back there, oh, where, back there, oh, where, oh, where, back
there, back there, back there ... is my hairbrush!"
Narrator: "Having heard his joyous proclamation, Junior Asparagus enters
the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a
towel, Junior regains his composure and comments ..."

Junior: "Why do you need a hairbrush? You don't have any hair!"

Narrator: "Larry is taken aback. The thought had never occured to him.
No hair? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become
of his hairbrush? Larry wonders ..."

Larry: "No hair for my hairbrush. No hair for my hairbrush. No hair, no
hair, no where, no hair, no hair, no hair, no where, back there, no hair
.. for my hairbrush!"

Narrator: "Having heard his wonderings, Bob the Tomato enters the scene.
Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Bob
regains his composure and confesses ..."

Bob: "Larry, that old hairbrush of yours ... Well, you never use it, you
don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry ... I didn't know. But I gave
it to the Peach - 'cause he's got hair!"

Narrator: "Feeling a deep sense of loss, Larry stumbles back and laments..."

Larry: "Not fair for my hairbrush. Not fair! My poor hairbrush. Not
fair, not fair, no hair, not fair, no where, no hair, not fair, not
fair, not fair! My little hairbrush!"

Narrator: "Having heard his lament, the Peach enters the scene. Himself
in a towel, both Larry and the Peach are shocked and slightly
embarrassed at the sight of...each other. But recognizing Larry's
generosity, the Peach is thankful ..."

Peach: "Thanks for the hairbrush."

Narrator: "Yes, good has been done here. The Peach exits the scene.
Larry smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the
hairbrush, calls out ..."

Larry: "Take care of my hairbrush. Take care, oh my hairbrush. Take
care, take care, don't dare not care, take care, nice hair, no fair, take care, take care ... of my hairbrush."

Narrator: "The end!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtHr7gluh08

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The Official Moron Test

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

[ I confess to not understanding Q4 ]

1. Of course. any place that uses the Gregorian calendar has a 4th of July. Celebrating it as a a holiday is a different question.
2. Only One - the day of his birth. He may celebrate its anniversary evry year for as long as he lives, though.
3. All of them, silly, even February during a leap year. You can't get 31 without having 28.
4. 6, as DG said; the inning isn't over until both baseball temas have accrued 3 outs.
5. No, I don't know California's law on necrophilia, but I do know a marriage requires each partner to agree, and dead men aren't in a position to agree. There have been cases of posthumous marriage, but in this case, the dead man would be committing bigamy. It is a difficult issue, eh?
6. 1/2 goes into 30 60 times. Add 10, and you end up with 70.
7. 2, of course - the two you took away.
8. An hour. You take one right away, the second after a half-hour, and the third a half-hour later, for a total of one hour.
9. 9. The others died.
10. Ignoring the fact that the story is myth, it does maintain that he only took one animal of each sex. No polygamy for him. (But how many daughters did he have that drunken night?)
11. All butchers, no matter what their height may be, have a propensity for weighing meat.
12. Twelve, obviously. A dozen anythings is still twelve.

 

[Boxlicker101]

1. Of course. any place that uses the Gregorian calendar has a 4th of July. Celebrating it as a a holiday is a different question.
2. Only One - the day of his birth. He may celebrate its anniversary evry year for as long as he lives, though.
3. All of them, silly, even February during a leap year. You can't get 31 without having 28.
4. 6, as DG said; the inning isn't over until both baseball temas have accrued 3 outs.
5. No, I don't know California's law on necrophilia, but I do know a marriage requires each partner to agree, and dead men aren't in a position to agree. There have been cases of posthumous marriage, but in this case, the dead man would be committing bigamy. It is a difficult issue, eh?
6. 1/2 goes into 30 60 times. Add 10, and you end up with 70.
7. 2, of course - the two you took away.
8. An hour. You take one right away, the second after a half-hour, and the third a half-hour later, for a total of one hour.
9. 9. The others died.
10. Ignoring the fact that the story is myth, it does maintain that he only took one animal of each sex. No polygamy for him. (But how many daughters did he have that drunken night?)
11. All butchers, no matter what their height may be, have a propensity for weighing meat.
12. Twelve, obviously. A dozen anythings is still twelve.

I would partially disagree about #4. If the home team is leading at the start of the ninth inning and the visiting team fails to catch up, the game ends. Therefore, there would only be three outs in the ninth inning. If the home team is behind when the second half of the ninth inning starts, and scores enough runs to win, there would be a total of three or four or five outs in that inning, depending on how many outs there were when the winning run scored.

 

[PayDay]

11. All butchers, no matter what their height may be, have a propensity for weighing meat.

This one got me

 

[BuckyDuckman]

1. Of course. any place that uses the Gregorian calendar has a 4th of July. Celebrating it as a a holiday is a different question.
2. Only One - the day of his birth. He may celebrate its anniversary evry year for as long as he lives, though.
3. All of them, silly, even February during a leap year. You can't get 31 without having 28.
4. 6, as DG said; the inning isn't over until both baseball temas have accrued 3 outs.
5. No, I don't know California's law on necrophilia, but I do know a marriage requires each partner to agree, and dead men aren't in a position to agree. There have been cases of posthumous marriage, but in this case, the dead man would be committing bigamy. It is a difficult issue, eh?
6. 1/2 goes into 30 60 times. Add 10, and you end up with 70.
7. 2, of course - the two you took away.
8. An hour. You take one right away, the second after a half-hour, and the third a half-hour later, for a total of one hour.
9. 9. The others died.
10. Ignoring the fact that the story is myth, it does maintain that he only took one animal of each sex. No polygamy for him. (But how many daughters did he have that drunken night?)
11. All butchers, no matter what their height may be, have a propensity for weighing meat.
12. Twelve, obviously. A dozen anythings is still twelve.

Um, dude and dude-ettes? Moses didn't take any animals on any arc, fictitious or otherwise. The tale is told of Noah, however, doing it by twos.

 

[oggbashan]

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

Unless it's cricket. There are 11 players and when the 10th man is out the innings is over, therefore answer is 10.

 

[Saucyminx]

may be a repeat, I can't remember!

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?

A. Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

 

[jehoram]

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

Unless it's cricket. There are 11 players and when the 10th man is out the innings is over, therefore answer is 10.

But in cricket, isn't it "innings" rather than "inning?" By use of the singular, we're assuming that we're talking about baseball. Ah, the difference an "S" can make...

 

[Dianthus]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define 'great', he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 

[WaywardandLost]

Knock knock!
Who's there.
Sho Mia.
Sho Mia who?
Sho Mia your ass!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Um, dude and dude-ettes? Moses didn't take any animals on any arc, fictitious or otherwise. The tale is told of Noah, however, doing it by twos.

Good catch, Bucky. That one slipped by me. (But it should be ark.)

 

[Tio_Narratore]

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

Unless it's cricket. There are 11 players and when the 10th man is out the innings is over, therefore answer is 10.

Never did understand the game, Og---So a cricket inning ends when one side is out, not both? Seems a strange division of the game to us NorAms...

 

[Boxlicker101]

Never did understand the game, Og---So a cricket inning ends when one side is out, not both? Seems a strange division of the game to us NorAms...

From what I've always read and heard, the rules are so vague that nobody understands them. Can you imagine the manager of the Boston Red Sox calling time out and saying something like: "Well, we've got enough runs. Let the Yankees bat for a while."

 

[oggbashan]

From what I've always read and heard, the rules are so vague that nobody understands them. Can you imagine the manager of the Boston Red Sox calling time out and saying something like: "Well, we've got enough runs. Let the Yankees bat for a while."

The rules are very clear. The tactics are not so clear, and much depends on the weather...

 

[JackLuis]

 

[Boxlicker101]

The rules are very clear. The tactics are not so clear, and much depends on the weather...

I'm not putting down the game of cricket. That just wouldn't be cricket. I suppose "declaring" is much like a college football team trying to avoid running up the score when they have a big lead on an opponent.

Saying something is not cricket would be like accusing somebody of doing something unethical but not actually against the law or the rules of a game.

Is it true that the players sometimes stop to drink tea during a game of cricket?

 

[sun_sea_sky]

So a cricket inning ends when one side is out, not both? Seems a strange division of the game to us NorAms...

The innings ends, not the game. One side goes IN to bat. So it is an innings. When 10 of them go OUT the innings is over. Then the other side goes IN and you have another innings.

 

[dawei]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.'He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

Thanks DG Hear. Those were two good ones.

 

[oggbashan]

Is it true that the players sometimes stop to drink tea during a game of cricket?

The tea interval is obligatory. Cricket can continue for days. They stop for lunch, stop for tea, stop for heavy rain and stop for poor light.

To win a cricket match, both sides have to have played two complete innings. If one side has scored a commanding lead and could continue indefinitely, there might not be time for the four innings to be completed, causing a draw - therefore the leading side would declare that they have finished their innings and hope to dismiss the other side cheaply.

If each side has completed one innings but the leading side, who played first, has significantly more runs than the other who has just completed, they can force the losing side to 'follow-on' - to play two innings in succession. That is done particularly when the losing side is obviously tired, or hasn't adapted well to the playing conditions. If the losing side, in two innings, doesn't score as much as the winning side scored in a single innings, they are said to have lost by 'an innings and x runs' - a terrible disgrace!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The innings ends, not the game. One side goes IN to bat. So it is an innings. When 10 of them go OUT the innings is over. Then the other side goes IN and you have another innings.

So, this game involves outings as well as innings; is it followed by the old "in and out?"

(Thanks for your explanations; they do make the strange game a little more understandble. But is it 'cricket' to force your opponent to play on what should be your turn when they are tired?)

 

[Handley_Page]

So, this game involves outings as well as innings; is it followed by the old "in and out?"

(Thanks for your explanations; they do make the strange game a little more understandble. But is it 'cricket' to force your opponent to play on what should be your turn when they are tired?)

Tactics & Strategy are curious things on a Cricket pitch.

In a 'Test Match' it is as Ogg has described, but there are variations; 20/20 (twenty overs each way, highest score wins), for example.