Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Just received these from an A/H friend.

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.


Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

 

[DG Hear]

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

 

[dawei]

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

DG blah blah
HEAR blah blah
blah VERY blah
blah blah GOOD

 

[Handley_Page]

Dedicated to all Instructors, Teacher, and Educators:

You might be in Education if..

1) You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

2) You find humour is other people's stupidity.

3) You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

4) You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

5) You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

6) You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

7) When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour.

8) Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO much simpler.

9) When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

10) You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

11) You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

12) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

13) You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

14) You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

15) You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

16) Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

 

[Handley_Page]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older, a bit heavier, and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge.

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone, it's all a bit saggy now!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby older men were cute, and she was sure I
would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to go to Hell!

 

[DG Hear]

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.
The winners were:

1. A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

************************ *********************

3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'

*********************** **********************

4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

5. An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her:
'Are you God's wife?'

*********************************************

 

[Handley_Page]

When senior citizens are constipated, do you think they say to themselves,
"I'm too old for this shit."

 

[TxRad]

When senior citizens are constipated, do you think they say to themselves,
"I'm too old for this shit."

I though it was more along the lines of, "This shit is too old for me."

 

[DG Hear]

Ineresting facts!!!

THE YEAR IS 1911

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

************ ********* ***********

The year is 1911 --- One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1911:

************ ********* ************
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home.
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month,
and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.


The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent
of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at the local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion,
gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels,
and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!"
( Shocking? )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help .....
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.

From there, it can be sent to others all over the WORLD -
all in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

 

[DG Hear]

INTERESTING WORKOUT !!!




You have to watch this one.......


click below.

http://youtu.be/yEH4Yum4nN4

 

[Handley_Page]

Trailer Park Rules

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three years.

2. No draining your oil onto the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no
more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the
curtains.

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide
the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be
forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However,
they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the
understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the
event the side-walks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of
your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

 

[DG Hear]

I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all your friends.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!)

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!! Well!

I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!

 

[SweetMaj]

I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all your friends.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!)

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!! Well!

I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!

I just tried to call you, DG, but my guess is that you're taking a shower.

 

[DG Hear]

I just tried to call you, DG, but my guess is that you're taking a shower.

Come take one with me. You can even leave your panties on.
I bet they would look great wet.

 

[SweetMaj]

Come take one with me. You can even leave your panties on.
I bet they would look great wet.

I promise you that they look absolutely eatable when they are wet, DG.

You can even...Oops, I forgot where I was!


(This is a Humor Thread!)

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Q: How come the little boy couldn't go see the pirate movie?

A: Because it was rated Aaarrgghhh!

 

[Handley_Page]

Dictionary For Women


Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

 

[SweetMaj]

Dictionary For Women


Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. <-
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

I love the spelling!

 

[Handley_Page]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ....

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they
understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

 

[Handley_Page]

Every office has at least one jerk, pest or loud-mouth who drives the rest of the workers crazy.

Could it be you? Take this quiz to find out how annoying you might be:

How many of these statements describe you?

1. You make provocative statements to "foster dialogue" or needle others.

2. You often find yourself delivering a discourse consisting solely of buzzwords and catchphrases.

3. You make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. (e.g. "Good job, Chachi!"; "I'm going to have to disagree with you there, T-bone!")

4. Your office is completely decorated with your children's pictures and artwork.

5. You have plastered your cubicle with photos of yourself taken with famous people.

6. It is your trademark to recite rhyming or other cutesy messages as your voice mail greeting.

7. The questions you ask at meetings are preceded by long monologues of your views and accomplishments.

8. You routinely eat odoriferous lunches at your desk.

9. You bring in dishes that you tried to cook -- but didn't turn out quite right -- as "special treats" for your co-workers.

10. People seem tense -- even panic-stricken -- when they see you coming their way.

11. Others back away from you as you speak.

12. You send flurries of e-mails to the rest of the company telling them what you are doing. (e.g., "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.")

13. You vigorously chew or pop your gum.

14. You wear strong perfume or cologne.

15. You assume your co-workers are fascinated by your personal problems and exploits.

16. You interrupt others while they are speaking or are deep in conversation.

17. You are moody and don't care who knows it.

18. You often give others assignments as they're walking out the door for lunch or to catch the train home.

19. You borrow staplers, scissors and tape from others' desks and forget to return them.

20. Your dialogue with others often end with the other person shouting, "You are so annoying!"

If you counted one or two, not to worry, you quickly can make changes before you're labeled a pest.

If your actions match three to five of these statements, take heed. You are on your way to becoming the source of many an eye roll.

If you do six or more of these on a regular basis, chances are you are already on the office watch list and have been anointed by your co-workers as annoying.

It's time to do a reality check and make some changes. Ask your boss and colleagues for feedback and be ready to listen. If what you hear doesn't fit your self-image, ask them to help you understand what they are saying by giving examples.

You might say: "Tell me more about what I do that leads you to believe that." Then listen, without arguing, defending or justifying your actions.

Remember, there are countless ways to aggravate co-workers -- you even can annoy them by trying too hard to please or being too nice. As long as you avoid the aforementioned behaviors, use your energy for the good of the organization and treat others as you would like to be treated, you should be all right.

And remember, it's perfectly OK to annoy others sparingly. It reminds them that you still exist.

 

[DG Hear]

Craigs List Scam


Careful what you purchase on Craigs list. My friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger. Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. Instructions said "Don't use in the sunlight!"

 

[DG Hear]

In September, a bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:

... Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co

 

[Boxlicker101]

I thought Wile E. Coyote was the only customer Acme has.

 

[oggbashan]

I thought Wile E. Coyote was the only customer Acme has.

You mean you're not a customer?

I've bought products that are as useful as Acme's. Every local car boot sale and charity shop has masses of their products even if the Acme brand name is not showing.

They have a special line of kitchen gadgetry for men to buy and the wives to throw out - choppers, slicers, dicers - that do the job less well than a knife and take ten times as long to clean as the time they're suppose to save.

 

[Boxlicker101]

You mean you're not a customer?

I've bought products that are as useful as Acme's. Every local car boot sale and charity shop has masses of their products even if the Acme brand name is not showing.

They have a special line of kitchen gadgetry for men to buy and the wives to throw out - choppers, slicers, dicers - that do the job less well than a knife and take ten times as long to clean as the time they're suppose to save.

Most of that stuff is advertised on TV, and almost never works at all, let alone as well as the TV pitchman or woman shows it working. I don't remember any gadget that works that I've ever bought from a TV commercial.