Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

A man kept coming to Marylou's cafe and ordering ham & eggs.
To play a prank, Marylou scratched ham & eggs off the menu.
The next time he came in, she handed him the menu, saying honey,
I just scratched what you like! Well, he replied, wash your
fingers and get me some ham & eggs!


A man came home to his wife and told him his dick was caught
in the pickle slicer and he was fired.

She unzipped his pants and asked him, why, its alright, where's the pickle slicer?

Oh, she got fired too!

 

[DG Hear]

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?
His pants fit like a glove.

Whats the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
One says ribbit, ribbit, one says rubbit rubbit!

Why did richard cody change his name to william?
He didn't want to be known as buffalo dick.

Did you all hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent men?
It's called: nut n raisin honey!

A couple were in bed and the wife was getting horny, so she
said to her hubby, who was a laundryman, that shed like a
quick rinse and spin.
Too late, honey, he said, I had a small load so i did it by hand.

 

[JackLuis]

Our Funny Congress.

In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify.


His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained,

"Passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
​

I can't add anything to this.

 

[DG Hear]

The definition of a loser. A man with a hard on who walks into
a wall and busts his nose.

Confucius say, woman who refuse to shave, have hair by cracky!!

What's one she plus one she? a tooshie.


How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, if they can get inside.

How do you know the bartender is pissed at you?
When you find a string in your bloody mary.

 

[DG Hear]

Best solution I’ve heard of!
Airport Security

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be
none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long
and expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it
now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers,
we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!

 

[meathead96]

We all get heavier

"They say we all get heavier as we get older
because there's a lot more information in our heads."

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent
and my head couldn't hold anymore
so it started filling up the rest!

ps......thx so much DG, I look forward to reading the jokes, it makes my day!

 

[DG Hear]

"They say we all get heavier as we get older
because there's a lot more information in our heads."

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent
and my head couldn't hold anymore
so it started filling up the rest!

ps......thx so much DG, I look forward to reading the jokes, it makes my day!

...and thank you for taking the time to post here. I also learned that I'm really intelligent and not fat. Think I'll go make something to eat.

 

[DG Hear]

What can you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
To floss your teeth with after eating.

What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
Nobody eats parsley.

What is the sign of a macho woman?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

 

[Weird Harold]

Q: What is Big, Grey, and has a trunk?

A: A Hippopottamus on vacation.

 

[TxRad]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
So they can stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
So they can stomp out flaming ducks.

Yeah, I know, it's old and juvenile but then again, so am I.

 

[Weird Harold]

Yeah, I know, it's old and juvenile but then again, so am I.

Q: How can you tell if an Elephant has been in your refridgerator?

A: Look for the footprints in the butter.

Q: How many Elephants will fit in a VW Beetle?

A:Five. Two in Front, Two in back and one in the glove box.

(old and juvenile doesn't mean "not funny". )

 

[DG Hear]

An oldie but still makes me laugh.
Gary

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!

 

[TxRad]

(old and juvenile doesn't mean "not funny". )

Why was the elephant wearing his blue tennis shoes?
His red ones were in the wash.

Why did the elephant wear red tennis shoes?
So he could hide in the cheery tree.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
They hide pretty good, don't they.

 

[TE999]

Why did the elephant wear tennies? Because elevenies were too big.

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? So it wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today? Probably scratching on the casket lid.

What's the difference between Ooooh and Ahhhh? Six inches.

How do you say 'Fuck you" in Hollywood? Trust me.

What's green and makes holes? A drill pickle.

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? A fur coat.

Why do farts smell? So the blind can appreciate them too.

Why do women rub their eyes after waking up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.

How do you make a baby float? A glass of root beer and two scoops of baby.

Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? So they can smell like big girls.

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef?

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call it anything, it's not coming anyway.

Why is pubic hair curly? If it was straight, it'd poke your eyes out.

Why are a motor scooter and a fat girl alike? They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your buddies to see you on either of them.

 

[Dianthus]

Q: Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, here come the elephants over the hill."

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

 

[oggbashan]

Haiku Error Messages

From e-Tales: the best and worst of internet humour:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Stop, reflect and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

 

[oggbashan]

Local News Site

This is a new local news website: Paddlesworth Press

Remember in which thread this is posted.

A news site that is even less reliable than FauxNews.

Og

 

[Weird Harold]

A bit early, but ...

ArcaMax Publishing > The Funnies > Jokes

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

[Handley_Page]

From e-Tales: the best and worst of internet humour:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Stop, reflect and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

But what about the rest of the Haiku, Ogg ?

 

[oggbashan]

But what about the rest of the Haiku, Ogg ?

Ok. Here they are:

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence,
"June Sales.doc" not found.

Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

 

[DG Hear]

What is the smallest hotel in the world ?

The VAGINA INN
Becouse it can accommodate only one standing Member with his luggage hanging


Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out ofthe cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

 

[DG Hear]

Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it, but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president who also smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What could possibly go wrong?

 

[DG Hear]

This was sent to me by a friend of this thread.
DG

Thoughts to Contemplate ...

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
sun.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than
the people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is
free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...but they
all have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

 

[DG Hear]

HOW IS NORMA? ...........

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that room."


After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God
bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit."

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but too funny not to read again.
DG


The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.