Zeb_Carter
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I can honestly say I have never went to bed with an ugly woman.
I have, to my complete surprise, awaken with a few.
I have, to my complete surprise, awaken with a few.
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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OzDave
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........ and then tried to chew your own arm off so as not to wake her as you get out of bed?
Zeb_Carter
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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The 'Middle Wife'
by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Zeb_Carter
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Liar's relatives at work...
And a very intriguing tattoo...
And a very intriguing tattoo...
Last edited:
Zeb_Carter
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The demon will have white hair and it's tongue will be dragging on the ground. 
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Honesty Game
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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What Day It Is
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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A very horny guy is stranded on an island with a monkey. After a while, he decides to have sex with the monkey, but the monkey continually slips out of his grip and runs away.
One day, a very attractive girl is drowning in the ocean and the guy saves her.
She says, "I'll do anything to repay you."
The man says, "Can you help me catch that damn monkey?"
One day, a very attractive girl is drowning in the ocean and the guy saves her.
She says, "I'll do anything to repay you."
The man says, "Can you help me catch that damn monkey?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Just received this one from a friend in the UK. I think it appies to the US as well.
DG
Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother,we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
DG
Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother,we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
OzDave
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A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can
ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord,
I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied; 'This bridge .... you want two lanes or four?
clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can
ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord,
I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied; 'This bridge .... you want two lanes or four?
OzDave
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A man who had been shipwrecked on a tropical island three years before woke to see a beautiful woman walking up the sand, wearing a dive suit. As she approached him, she asked him what he had missed most.
"Cigarettes" he replied.
She reached into an inner pocket and pulled out a cigarette packet and passed it to him.
"What else?" she asked.
"Alcohol." he replied.
Again she reached into a pocket and produced a small flask of whiskey.
She began to slide the wet suit off her shoulders, whispering to him "Now, do you want to play around?"
In amazement he blurted out "Don't tell me you have a set of golf sticks in there too?"
"Cigarettes" he replied.
She reached into an inner pocket and pulled out a cigarette packet and passed it to him.
"What else?" she asked.
"Alcohol." he replied.
Again she reached into a pocket and produced a small flask of whiskey.
She began to slide the wet suit off her shoulders, whispering to him "Now, do you want to play around?"
In amazement he blurted out "Don't tell me you have a set of golf sticks in there too?"
redpaint
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The Lie Detector Robot
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
redpaint
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Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
JackLuis
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Republican Cowboy
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that s. of a b. before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that s. of a b. before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
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BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
“It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!!!’”
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
“It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!!!’”
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Be an entrepreneur!
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Zeb_Carter
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Last edited:
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
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Please, criticize my humor story
I've found here "the kings of comedies." So i expect your reviews on my new humor series and which places i completely fail(or, all may be all!)
Here is the link.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=472829
I've found here "the kings of comedies." So i expect your reviews on my new humor series and which places i completely fail(or, all may be all!)
Here is the link.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=472829
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Men Can't Win
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
Why Men Can't Win
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
monsterrdude
Experienced Guru
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2007
- Posts
- 1,392
Two million battered women in America, and I gotta eat mine plain
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Sniffer Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies,
'He just found a bomb !'
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies,
'He just found a bomb !'
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 20,573
Didn't know where to put this but it's pretty funny so here is where it goes...
First prez owes serious book fine
By Tony Romm - 04/17/10 03:45 PM ET
A New York library is pretty sure that long-deceased President George Washington owes about $300,000 in late fees.
Staff at the New York Society Library discovered papers recently that showed Washington in 1789 borrowed the 12th volume of the "Commons Debates" and a copy of "Law of Nations," yet never returned either tome.
Pennies added up, they said, resulting in a fine more than $300,000, after adjusting for inflation.
Notes the New York Daily News, which first reported the light-hearted story:
"The books were due by Nov. 2, 1789, and have been accruing a fine of a few pennies per day ever since.
This week, Bartlett and his staff became even more convinced the books were filched when librarian Matthew Haugen stumbled upon the long lost 14-volume collection of the "Commons Debates."
Sure enough, Vol. 12 was missing.
"It's hard to know what could have happened," Bartlett said. "There are as many questions for us as there are answers."
First prez owes serious book fine
By Tony Romm - 04/17/10 03:45 PM ET
A New York library is pretty sure that long-deceased President George Washington owes about $300,000 in late fees.
Staff at the New York Society Library discovered papers recently that showed Washington in 1789 borrowed the 12th volume of the "Commons Debates" and a copy of "Law of Nations," yet never returned either tome.
Pennies added up, they said, resulting in a fine more than $300,000, after adjusting for inflation.
Notes the New York Daily News, which first reported the light-hearted story:
"The books were due by Nov. 2, 1789, and have been accruing a fine of a few pennies per day ever since.
This week, Bartlett and his staff became even more convinced the books were filched when librarian Matthew Haugen stumbled upon the long lost 14-volume collection of the "Commons Debates."
Sure enough, Vol. 12 was missing.
"It's hard to know what could have happened," Bartlett said. "There are as many questions for us as there are answers."
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