How Do You View Yourself?

[AWonkyDonkey]

Are you super hard on yourself?

Wise Ladies & Gentlemen of Lit,

Usually I try not to be so serious here on Lit. After all, it's meant to be a fun place. However I am curious as to other people's struggles and views.

I really struggle with self-esteem and self-confidence. I thought they were the same until recently but apparently they are not. I really am not the best looking guy in the world. In fact, I make Shrek look like a handsome, ripped hunk from a steamy romantic movie. I really find it hard to look at photos of myself, to look in a mirror and to generally show my face anywhere unless my photo has been heavily edited with filters and using the best angle.

I know some people will say that everyone has had doubts at some point about their appearance but mine really is extreme to the point where I'd be happy to hide my face from people forever - however wearing a ski -mask to go shopping is frowned upon. My looks have impacted relationships too. I know of at least one person who kicked me to the side because of how I looked.

I'm curious as to how many Litsters out there feel the same way and how you have dealt with it. I'd welcome any tips except the "seek professional help" one. I have tried discussing this with professionals and nothing has ever helped, including CBT.

So please, even if it is short and sweet, any advice or any stories of what has happened may help.

 

[_MissLick_]

Such a brave post, I hope you get some support. CBT was useless for me, I just try to live my best life, but am going back to therapy soon, it's not healthy to bury your head in the sand either (apparently)

I think most people are too hard on themselves, therefore we need to love ourselves more. If I find out how I will let you know

 

[AllAmericanMale]

I am super hard on myself. I struggle with self-esteem issues. Have all my life.

I consider myself fairly self-confident and have had that bolstered by the people I converse, and otherwise, with.

These two things seem contrary to one another, but to make sense of it I continually tell myself that it doesn't matter why they like me. I accept that they do and try to enjoy the time they choose to spend with me.

It's hard to talk yourself out of your own head, but it helps me live in the moment and be able to enjoy time spent with them. We never know how many more moments we're going to be allowed with our friends and loved ones.

I will probably never be able to rationalize why people want me around, but I am happy when they say hi or respond when I do.

Maybe this helps, but the struggle is real. I suspect far more of us than will comment here, or mention it publicly, deal with this same issue.

 

[silky52]

Of course I would dare to say that 50% at least of us struggle with the same issues. I have found that chatting has bolstered my self-confidence, and definitely my self-image. When I was younger I looked reasonably good, but I didn't think so. Now I am older some of the features I had trouble with have improved (teeth, eyes), but now the body disappoints, especially legs, due to illness. So what you are saying is quite reasonable for those of us with self-image issues. They say that love or like is all in the eye of the beholder. I think that is so true. When I look back at pictures of people I 'liked, or loved,' I can't believe I thought that they were so good looking or so interesting.........but it's all in our heads. The thing is that that electric feeling of connection and sexual attraction is something that happens....with no rhym or reason. I know it's not easy, and I know you can't just get rid of it on the say so of a therapist or CBT, but we can think of something else, and not be so hard on ourselves or at least try too...............big hugs for you.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

I remembered seeing this thread and thought some more about a post here. It’s a very interesting conversation concept for a thread. I’m really just bumping it up into the mainstream River of new posts current in case someone that wants to see it that hasn’t.

The coach in me wants to encourage the conversation more. The more there is a conversation , the less that yuck feelings power is. That feeling you are having, low self esteem or lack of being confident in social settings.

PTSD sufferers, being a good example of people that could lend a hand in sharing here.

 

[silky52]

I remembered seeing this thread and thought some more about a post here. It’s a very interesting conversation concept for a thread. I’m really just bumping it up into the mainstream River of new posts current in case someone that wants to see it that hasn’t.

The coach in me wants to encourage the conversation more. The more there is a conversation , the less that yuck feelings power is. That feeling you are having, low self esteem or lack of being confident in social settings.

PTSD sufferers, being a good example of people that could lend a hand in sharing here.

So many of us are PTSD sufferers!

 

[Fingerfuxs]

So many of us are PTSD sufferers!

I didn’t realize mine until I started writing my memoirs , I've come to realize I have several different ones from the different stages of my life span so far. As I write my story boards in decades to separate memories , I’m recognizing my trauma in those decades all add up !!!


.Recall , Remember, rehash , release the memories in written word so someone can read them back to you , at your end of story moments.

I’m in my fourth and fifth decade writing the things I’d like read back to me one day. As my history as I wrote it.

 

[silky52]

I didn’t realize mine until I started writing my memoirs , I've come to realize I have several different ones from the different stages of my life span so far. As I write my story boards in decades to separate memories , I’m recognizing my trauma in those decades all add up !!!


.Recall , Remember, rehash , release the memories them in written word so someone can read them back to you , at your end of story moments.

I’m in my four and fifth decade writing the things I’d like read back to me one day. As my history as I wrote it.

It takes years to become aware. Usually there is trauma upon trauma too. S

 

[AmberLGreen]

I have never met one person who is 100% happy with themselves. It could be the way they look, are they funny enough, interesting enough, smart enough.

I have a different “looks” issue every day. It varies all the time. My wrinkles, my saggy boobs, my big belly, my pasty skin, flabby thighs, the list goes on and there is always something. Today it is my ankles, they are as fat as my thighs. The other things are still issues but today my ankles are the main issue. Depending on what I decide to wear tomorrow, or the meetings I have, the issue will be different.

I deal with my issues through humour or intellect. My thought process is if I can get a person laughing or engaged in deep conversation, then they won’t notice my physical appearance. That, for me, takes away some of my anxiety about the physical side of me. It never fully goes away but it helps me to cope with that particular moment.

I have seen you and there isn’t anything wrong with the way you look. You aren’t Chris Hemsworth or any other head turner but you aren’t Quasimodo either. You are an average looking guy and you are attractive. It isn’t looks that makes you attractive, it is the whole package of you. You are kind, positive, caring and so fucking funny. You laugh at yourself and make others laugh, you give support to those around you (even the one you live with and she definitely doesn’t deserve it) and you are a loving and caring friend.

Those qualities and your average looks are what make you attractive. If you weren’t young enough to be my son (and if I wasn’t totally in love with masturbation) then I would be trying to jump your bones.

Stop putting yourself down and listen to those who love you for you

Pssst…. If you need to go shopping and want to hide yourself away, you could always hide under my saggy boobs

 

[Wonderer67]

I really struggle with self-esteem and self-confidence.

You’re not alone. Although I can be quite competent and confident in certain things I work on, and do, there’s part of me that wants to be really good at everything and that’s just not realistic.

I found that it sets me up for lots of negative self talk. “I’m no good at this, I suck at that, I wish I was better at…”

Even as a teen, I wondered why certain people seemed to be good at stuff and I wasn’t.

It’s easy to be hard on yourself, but I look back at my 56 years, and I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished and done. That doesn’t mean I don’t doubt myself…

I’ve read it’s called imposter syndrome, where someone thinks they’re a fraud, or a phony, but they’re really quite competent.

There are certain things that we’re all very good at… I feel lucky that I’ve even shared with my boss that I don’t feel like I’m very good at my job. Even though I feel that, she has been nothing but candid and realistic with me. I’m still employed and get good performance reviews.

PTSD sufferers, being a good example of people that could lend a hand in sharing here.

Ptsd is a motherfucker. I have been officially diagnosed with it and now I’m learning how to better manage it. It severely impacts my sleep. I routinely get 5-6 hrs sleep/night.

I’ve also been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I’ve lived my entire life till knowing that now. I’m gonna try dealing w this without meds, but I’ll see if I make some headway without.

Facts are friendly. It’s something I know now. Doesn’t make it easier and in fact it’s a bit depressing - I feel broken. But for me, it’s better to know.

I didn’t realize mine until I started writing my memoirs , I've come to realize I have several different ones from the different stages of my life span so far. As I write my story boards in decades to separate memories , I’m recognizing my trauma in those decades all add up !!!

.Recall , Remember, rehash , release the memories in written word so someone can read them back to you , at your end of story moments.

I’m in my fourth and fifth decade writing the things I’d like read back to me one day. As my history as I wrote it.

I started writing late last year, and I started writing poetry on the poetry forum. There’s a really good thread on writing one poem a week.

Naturally, because I’ve never written anything before, I thought my stuff sucked shit. I was comparing myself to all these accomplished writers. But I have found my voice and not given up.

I find it very cathartic. Sometimes it’s depressing, but it’s good to get it out.

I’m old and feel broken - but I haveta make tomorrow better than today. Every day is a learning experience.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Like everyone else in a mirror unless you’re a vampire then I’m not sure what you do.

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

I have always struggled with this. Even with men on here telling me I'm beautiful, I still don't believe it. I've come to respect that's their opinion and they have every right to it. Overall I'd rather people see my inner beauty because my outer "beauty" will only get worse.

 

[Seadog777]

My ex-girlfriend calls me "Triple A".

Amazingly
Awesome
Asshole

My family and I think that is a really good accurate description of me.

I can be all of them 1 at a time or all 3 at once.

I'm uniquely me.

 

[gga]

Overall I'd rather people see my inner beauty

Your inner beauty (as well as your physical beauty) is absolutely amazing. From the beginning, getting to know that inner beauty is what made me fall head over heels for you.

You are beautiful in every way imaginable.

 

[PhiloDaddy]

I'm usually "hard" on other people. But seriously, a mirror.

 

[caitiff1969]

I was bullied a lot growing up. I've suffered from low self esteem all my life. When I get compliments from ladies, which isn't often, I tend to think it's a set up, scam, or something else slightly nefarious. I tend to just look at things as a joke, though the pain from rejection, or being ignored, is tough on me.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Imposter Syndrome. Big time. I’m also the poster child for ADHD and surviving childhood trauma. All in all, I’m pretty funny and surprisingly optimistic. I’m a good communicator and leader and I excel at public speaking (largest crowd to date was about 5K). I don’t always finish what I start and I’m a bit on the messy side (cluttered not dirty). I’m incredibly spontaneous and enthusiastic. I’m okay with me.

 

[RosewoodTulip]

So much of what all of you have written really resonates with me. The poor mental health, ptsd, imposter syndrome, lack of self confidence, low self esteem...
I've always been this way. Hate my reflection. When friends do that thing of trying to get you to say 3 positive things about yourself I can't even name one.
I am trying to deal with it. Being here helps as I'm an anonymous person and I can share my thoughts easier than I can in real life. I post the occasional pic then spend a day fighting off panic attacks that people will see me for who I really am.
I never feel like I really fit in here either. Even with people who I consider to be close friends I find myself waiting for them to realise I'm not really worth their time.
This is me after a butt load of therapy too.
What has helped is making myself say thank you for every nice thing said to me, even if I don't believe it. I'm trying to fake a better self image in the hopes it'll become real.
We're all beautiful and we're all flawed. We just need to be kind to ourselves and to each other.
Sending love to all of you

 

[_MissLick_]

So much of what all of you have written really resonates with me. The poor mental health, ptsd, imposter syndrome, lack of self confidence, low self esteem...
I've always been this way. Hate my reflection. When friends do that thing of trying to get you to say 3 positive things about yourself I can't even name one.
I am trying to deal with it. Being here helps as I'm an anonymous person and I can share my thoughts easier than I can in real life. I post the occasional pic then spend a day fighting off panic attacks that people will see me for who I really am.
I never feel like I really fit in here either. Even with people who I consider to be close friends I find myself waiting for them to realise I'm not really worth their time.
This is me after a butt load of therapy too.
What has helped is making myself say thank you for every nice thing said to me, even if I don't believe it. I'm trying to fake a better self image in the hopes it'll become real.
We're all beautiful and we're all flawed. We just need to be kind to ourselves and to each other.
Sending love to all of you

I think gratitude and working every day to practice it is the best step. Without belittling anyone's trauma, there are still so many people in worse situations than most of us posting here.

We could share coping skills if that helps anyone?

This song is one of mine:

 

[Radiantcurves87]

I maybe pretty, have a great smile, helpful to others and nice.
But the person I see in the mirror, is filled with regrets, second guessing/ overthinking, panic attacks.
I have always been the girl who saw groups of friends, and felt like an outsider. Those close to me do help.
I may seem like I have it all together, but I don't think I do.
I am simply just trying to figure it out, not let the overfilled glass spill over and staying afloat.

 

[caitiff1969]

Offering hugs to all who want/need them

 

[Lily13]

I think we can all stand in front of a mirror and pick ourselves apart, all day, every day. We are our own worst critic. When we hear other people talk about us and say such nice things, we’re shocked. I used to turn red and shrug it off as people being nice. After a while, you have to just believe in and like YOU!

 

[RoanMtn]

Such a brave post, I hope you get some support. CBT was useless for me, I just try to live my best life, but am going back to therapy soon, it's not healthy to bury your head in the sand either (apparently)

I think most people are too hard on themselves, therefore we need to love ourselves more. If I find out how I will let you know

Yes, I found CBT less than effective. The ten cognitive distortions resonated with me, but the "fake it 'till you make it" seemed like so much BS.

 

[spankableBelle]

I'm learning to see myself in different ways than I have all my life.
I don't accept compliments. But I'm a fucking praise junkie.
Facing childhood trauma, even all these years later, learning where my need for validation comes from, working on learning all the things that child me should've learned had she grown up in a safe and secure environment... Really looking at my behaviors, my coping mechanisms, the way I shrink and make myself so small, the way I hurt myself and others, the way I believed for so long that I didn't matter or had the right exist unless (fill in the blank with whatever and you're probably right), the way I didn't/don't show up for myself in ways I should and need to, the ways that my trauma has lived inside me, inside my body and mind, and the damage it's caused...

That's how I've seen myself. Unworthy. Unwanted. Unseen. Invalid.

But I woke up this year and knew something would happen, would change, and that it was time. For months, even during these last few months filled with depressive episodes that were so dark...
I'm learning, reading, journaling, talking, reframing... I'm starting to see myself different than I ever have. Internally.
Outwardly, physically I'm a shit show.. But inwardly, in all the places no one sees... That's changing.
I'm learning to heal.

 

[Mo_Bandy]

Dude I am a fucking savage when I dont feel like a drunk Charlie Brown.