FEEDBACK & CRITIQUE? "The Story of Cara Lynn" Ch 1

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PREFACE: Here goes nothing... :)

Well, I just turned 36 a few days ago. I've been fantasizing about a just-legal blonde college student for ages now. Any female I consort with has to be 18 because the age of majority is the line, but my dream girl is smart and has a deeper sense of sexuality than some do twice her age.

As it happens, no lie, I live near an academic institution of Higher Ed. I suppose this could happen. I am married but free to pursue whatever. My wife has been a serial cheater and I assume she does not want to stop because it's OK for me to do as I please.

I used to be on medications that calmed me down but they also calmed my libido down so I was not horny all the time. Since I cut the doses back and dropped a couple things, my interest has returned.

I'm a manic depressive who used to be in the throes of very active addiction. We've both got problems, but I am a lifelong writer, and since I'm not one of these guys with "game" in the traditional sense, I was hoping one day a girl would read the full story of Cara Lynn and want to play her role. Her name comes from somewhere specific.

This is the first Chapter. I mean, I kept it plainer than I might have otherwise written it, but there's a certain beauty in its simplicity. I'm actually up to Chapter 4 and I'm thinking it might become an erotic novella. The irony: my wife read this and thought it was hot.


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Eighteen Times Two Equals Thirty-Six -- The Story of Cara Lynn

CHAPTER 1


It happened. I turned 36. Even though I've been married for years now, an appreciation for a young, intellectual succubus never exactly went away. I'd chosen older because I lost my mother at an early age. Yes, I realize Freud would rip me a part if we were in one-on-one talk therapy. But I was monogamous.

I'd used quite a few drugs and drank quite a bit of alcohol and my wife had forgiven me, so recently, when I found out she was cheating on me, and I do not just mean cheating, I mean, multiple guys multiple times, I was taken aback. She was an admitted nympho and this whole time I had been on medication for manic-depression so my libido had long since swirled around the drain.

One day, in speaking frankly with complete strangers on the net, I realized these medications were doing nothing more than numbing me out. I felt like my soul had a gigantic, wet blanket wrapped around it for years so I slowly titrated off of most of the medications and took a minimalist approach. Suddenly my libido resurrected itself from the dead. I live near a college so I oftentimes found myself peaking around for eyecandy.

Girls nowadays are so much less insecure insofar as wearing pajamas around campus and to the nearby establishments. Usually a young lady dresses up to conjure up attention and eyeballs however this particular young lady that I met, Cara Lynn, dressed down like she just rolled out of bed and that was totally hot. It wasn't at all what got me to speak with her and eventually make her cum twelve times in one evening, no, that was something else.

She was about 5'5”, couldn't have been more than 120-130 lbs., blonde, a natural blond and had the most sincere face and eyes a boy could ever ask for. She might not have been a ten, but after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There was positively nothing lacking with her body. She had the female form that DNA causes to manifest to make the opposite gender want to fill her full of reproductive potential, but for me, it was not about that as I'd already had children.

I had just finally accepted the fact, as long as she was 18, I was committing no crime. What made me feel even less immoral about it was the fact that she was intellectually superior if not a genius. I once uncovered paperwork from my elementary school saying that my IQ was in the 140s but I'm positive she was Mensa material.

She overheard me asking my friend whom the author of "Crime and Punishment" was and in her soft-spoken, erection-inducing voice she whispered over "it's Dostoevsky."

The minute i realized someone so incredibly sexy and that young no less knew the answer to that question, I was nothing short of compelled to talk to her. I was married, yeah, but I'd been cheated on, so somehow, I dispensed with the need to hold myself on moral high ground and I let my guard down hoping that in turn she'd let hers down, too.

I asked her "So you like lit, do you?"

She replied, "I read... a lot. And some of what I might have read might surprise you."

I replied "Oh really, well the thing is, I've got to be honest... first thing is first, my name is Matthew... you are?"

"Cara Lynn."

She shot me a smile and it was enchanting.

She seemed like a Cara Lynn I suppose. But what I said next surprised even me because normally I'm not bold, I'm boring.

"It's impressive to meet someone that's not only physically attractive but who also knows who Dostoevsky is. Intellectualism is hot, too."
She seemed surprised. I had a follow-up to keep the dialogue flowing. "So do you write?"

She replied "I do. Right now I have Writers' Block but normally, I am pretty good at honing my craft."

She had roused my curiosity among other things. "OK, so what do you write, fiction? You seem like a fiction kind of girl."

What she said next was really interesting. "Well, yes, I have a few novel ideas. I write non fiction mainly for school, but I am a bit of an amateur author, but, to be honest I only use a nom de plume. I hope to publish someday but I'm not sure what I write people are going to want to read."

She casually put it out there, saying, "I have a blog, you want the address?"

I couldn't help but say yes.

She grabbed a napkin and intended to pull a pen from her purse but she had nothing to write with. Oh darn. So, I grew even bolder. I offered, "listen, if I give you my digits you could always text me the link and I wouldn't mind reading what you've got and offering feedback if that's something you'd welcome from me."

"Sure, why not," she replied with cautious excitement.

Cell phone numbers were exchanged and before she left, mine vibrated and sure enough, there was a URL to follow.

"Fitting The Bill" was the title of her blog. My intention had only been to take a peak but it's as though she'd laced her page with cyber opium. Her alias amused me to no end... it was Whoreable. Cute.

I read and read and tried to imagine her reading it to me, attempting to hear her voice in my head.

She talked about trying to ascend into the world of being a published author but how daunting it was given her age and lack of credentials. I felt bad. I knew instinctively this girl had potential. I read the short stories on her site and they were rather intense. She had a robust vocabulary for a girl her age. She knew how to articulate things in a way that many people my own age could not and it surprised me and moreover turned me on. Physically attractive, brilliant and only 18. Then my conscience kicked in. If I'd had a daughter at age 18 she would be Cara Lynn's age. Wow. OK so was I the old pervert now? Somehow I didn't feel perverse because I was getting a chubby from the whole package.

I wrote a brief little something in her comments section. It took two days but I eventually got a text back from her. I needed an excuse to see Cara Lynn again. I asked, "now, do you have any more writing? I've got to be honest Cara Lynn, I've read everything you've written, cover to cover as it were?"

She told me she did but she added it wasn't published online. I suggested we meet for coffee and perhaps she could bring me more writing. It worked like a charm.

I met her again the next day at the local coffee shop. After I bought our coffees, we sat, we chatted and then from her purse she pulled out a thumb drive. She's like, "OK, you're obviously a smart guy, read what's on here and I want your honest feedback. But I want it in person. I want a little more commentary than you'd likely provide me over a series of text messages."

I was flattered and turned on that Cara Lynn was so willing and eager for me to read and critique her work. I was helpless not to do just that.

When I got home, I plugged in her thumb drive into my laptop and it brought up a list of files. The Titles were interesting. Wait a minute. Literotica? Some of those story names sounded a wee too torrid to be something G-Rated. This was an interesting move. Some girls might show a little T&A or act borderline flirtatious. Cara Lynn, however, had just shared with me her erotic fantasies for critique. My Goodness. I had a throbbing erection.

After reading the first couple of stories, I knew for sure that she had an excruciatingly vivid imagination and a dirty one too. I got the sense that she was a virgin however. There was just something abut the way that she described imagined encounters that gave off the vibe that she was eager and willing for a sexual encounter but she wasn't looking for just anyone.

One of the tropes in her stories always seemed to involve this mutual intellectual stimulation that lead to carnal knowledge and every variety of sex act one might imagine. Was she throwing me a road map? Well, I decided to up the ante just a bit more not only by offering her a critique but also confessing that I'd quite recently written a story of my own.

I decided to make it interesting. I had to see her a third time. This time, not only did I bring her thumb drive back, but I also brought a printed-out story I'd written about a middle-aged man who seduces a girl half his age and who gives her the most sexually-intense experience she could possibly imagine.

I didn't hear from her for a few days. Then one night at about 1:30 AM I get a text message, with a couple of misspellings so the first place my mind went was "DRUNK TEXT!"

I asked if I could call her and rather than replying, she called me.

I answered. We made a little bit of small talk but then she got a bit reticent.

She told me, surprisingly, "you know Matthew, I actually didn't intend to give you that flash drive... I'm a little embarrassed, yet, I totally read your story and you know what, I'm just going to come out and say it: I want to be Jessica."

Jessica was the name I'd chosen for the young, intelligent, smoking-hot college girl.

I told her "well, I really hate to state the obvious, but, Cara Lynn, you were my muse, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I read about what really makes you tick and I truthfully haven't been this turned on physically and emotionally in quite some time. You're not offended I did that, are you?"

Yeah I can be insecure sometimes. So, sue me!

She paused, but eventually said, "I'm getting wet at the very prospect of being your Jessica. I mean, I've been waiting a while and after reading what you'd written that you'd done to Jessica, I practically had to... um... change my undergarments."

I was at the point where I could no longer believe this conversation had gone this far.

"Where are you right now, Cara Lynn?"

"In my dorm room," she answered, "and it's a single by the way. I know you're only walking distance. Let's skip the coffee, come on, I totally want to be your Jessica."

Jessica was just a name I'd picked from thin air. Well... not entirely. Yes, there had been a blonde girl whom I'd found physically attractive way back when named "Jessica" but I just could not help myself. I really wanted to name the girl in the story Cara Lynn but I figured it would have been too overt and potentially a turn-off.

It didn't take me long. My residence was a stone's throw from campus. Cara Lynn told me where she lived and I showed up. I was simply wearing jeans and a hoodie because I didn't really think about changing. She didn't seem like someone that had to see me in Abercrombie and Fitch to get turned on. I thin she'd proven otherwise.

Cara Lynn was in a Victoria Secret style nighty. Man she meant business. It's a good thing I'd taken a condom and placed it in my pocket. My biggest fear was being the minute man if and when we got down to it. That's a good way to leave a bad impression. So I decided to start off very slow.

I had her sit on her bed, Indian Style, and I sat facing her Indian Style. At that very moment, I wanted to watch and feel her cum in the worst way. But I had a feeling that some lengthy, intimate foreplay would likely lead her just where I wanted her to go.

So I put my hands upon her cheeks and kissed her. I got total goose bumps, and what's more, I don't think I'd become erect like that since I was a teenager myself. Cara Lynn noticed all right. As we continued to make out, passionately, she reached down with her hand which was on the smaller side and grabbed all eight throbbing inches through my pants.

"You have an advantage Matthew."

"What's that?" I asked her.

"You already have the cheat sheet. You know what will turn me on and right now I really want to be turned on."

Yes, I did have a road map and I felt ethical using it. She, after all, had shared her Literotica with me and she had invited me over.

Cara Lynn had such SOFT skin. It was incredible. She had supple breasts---nothing bigger than a C cup but they were very pleasant indeed.

I started kissing her on her neck and when I heard that first deep moan I was into it. I pressed my yet-to-be-exposed hard on against her and she pressed her body firmly back.

I gazed directly into her baby blue eyes and told her "Cara Lynn, I don't just want to fuck you honey, I want to make love to you and I want to stay around post-orgasmic ecstasy."

She replied that it would not be a problem but that a man had never actually made her cum before. What a waste! She did, after all, just turn 18 and I just could not have been with her if she were not an adult, but never to have had an orgasm as a result of sexual activity, wow man!

By the time I had exposed her breasts and I was circling my tongue around them and sucking on her nipples gently but passionately, she really started to moan. It was genuine because it was deep and I could feel her body responding to me. I knew that she got off on the idea of being kissed head to toe, all over her body, but at this point, I worked on kissing my way down her stomach and getting very close to the lips that don't kiss back.

She didn't have to think twice. She took off her seductive get-up and I was mentally floored. This is the sexiest, hottest trist I have ever had. I had to be careful and concentrate too because the way things were going, I really didn't want to ejaculate in my pants, which were soon to come off, and make a fool of myself.

Now that she was fully exposed to me, I was determined to give her oral. The characters in her story seemed to crave it, I'd been told by many a woman that I was pretty good at eating pussy. I'd taken the time to learn exactly how to stimulate a woman's clit. Some guys couldn't care less. They just could not wait to pump their load into their female fuck toy, but that's not what doing this with Cara Lynn was about. It was about driving her absolutely crazy.

I started giving her oral and given how dripping wet she was, I knew she was into it. I lightly sucked on her clit and her body reacted in a quite pronounced manner. She started moaning and almost grunting and then I felt her tense up. The next thing I knew, she was cumming and cumming hard. I kept going. One orgasm lead into the next and she grew more and more lubricated.

She wasn't as patient as I'd expected. She told me "I want you in me and I want it now" so I decided that too much foreplay might be a bad thing. I was rock hard so entering her pre-lubricated pussy was clearly not going to be an issue. I put on the condom I'd brought, as much as I wanted to bareback it I knew getting her pregnant was not a part of her fantasy. It would be just a tat irresponsible at this point. I put my erect cock inside of her and she made the most exquisite noise. It was time to plow her.

Missionary style was nice but her room was dark and I could hardly look into her eyes as it was I felt her clamp down on me a couple of times and then it became a little bit more about my fantasy. I asked her "would you like me to take you from behind Carra Lynn?"

She answered by assuming the doggy-style position. What a nice view. The girl had what I dare say most ass men would appreciate for a posterior and when I entered her vagina, placing my hands around her child-bearing hips, she could fully feel me inside of her and I could tell, as I thrust back and forth, I must have been able to hit her G Spot. That's not just a myth; having been around a while I know that. She came and came again.

Finally, I just could not hold back any more. I lost control and I came so hard I triggered an orgasm in her and she clamped down on me and our simultaneous orgasm was nothing short of pure bliss. It was delightful to say the least.

When we both had calmed down, I spooned with her. I told her "Cara Lynn, you are so fucking hot and so fucking smart, I'd really better watch myself because... well..."

I think she knew what was coming at the end of that sentence.

"You are a really sweet guy Matthew and I've never cum that many times in a row in my entire life. I want to be yours. Even you if cannot call me your own, exclusively, just promise me I'm going to hear from you again. Please."

There was no way in hell Cara Lynn WAS NOT going to hear from me. I'd found my fantasy girl and lo and behold, she was real and she was intense. That might have been the first time we acted upon mutual feelings and interest, but there was no way it was going to be the last.

After a while, as she started to get sleepy and I knew she had classes the next day, I kissed her on the cheek and I told her I'd let her get some rest and we'd be talking much sooner or later.

She seemed a little scared that I might "hit it and quit it" but maybe she hadn't found a guy she could trust just yet. If I could have only let her peer into my soul. She would have known this was far from the end; it was the beginning of something very, very special and very, very sexy!

UP NEXT: CHAPTER 2!
 
Sui, I think your supposed to submit the story through the submission process, then come on here and ask people to review it after its submitted.

That being said, the story has a lot of potential. I just think you need to flesh it out a bit. The story is told from the male characters POV, but I have trouble keeping the thought of Cara as a three dimensional person. I think because you have this magnificent mental image of her, of what drives her, what her soul is like, you forget the rest of us don't have that image.

If you get some more buildup in there I think it will help both characters become a bit more alive.

Also, get an editor or read the story out loud to yourself so you can sniff out parts that don't make sense. There are a few simple grammar and spelling mistakes which isn't a big issue for me. But then there are some syntaxically (is that a word) clumsy sentences that distracted me.

Two examples:
"She had the female form that DNA causes to manifest to make the opposite gender want to fill her full of reproductive potential, but for me, it was not about that as I'd already had children."
-This is very descriptive. A bit TOO descriptive, I read that about three times before I gave up trying to figure it out and moved on.

and

"I had her sit on her bed, Indian Style, and I sat facing her Indian Style."
-Why not just say something like "We sat on the bed indian style facing each other"?

But anyway mostly I want to know about Cara Lynn. After reading the story I feel like I haven't met her yet.
 
Sui, I think your supposed to submit the story through the submission process, then come on here and ask people to review it after its submitted.

That being said, the story has a lot of potential. I just think you need to flesh it out a bit. The story is told from the male characters POV, but I have trouble keeping the thought of Cara as a three dimensional person. I think because you have this magnificent mental image of her, of what drives her, what her soul is like, you forget the rest of us don't have that image.

If you get some more buildup in there I think it will help both characters become a bit more alive.

Also, get an editor or read the story out loud to yourself so you can sniff out parts that don't make sense. There are a few simple grammar and spelling mistakes which isn't a big issue for me. But then there are some syntaxically (is that a word) clumsy sentences that distracted me.

Two examples:
"She had the female form that DNA causes to manifest to make the opposite gender want to fill her full of reproductive potential, but for me, it was not about that as I'd already had children."
-This is very descriptive. A bit TOO descriptive, I read that about three times before I gave up trying to figure it out and moved on.

and

"I had her sit on her bed, Indian Style, and I sat facing her Indian Style."
-Why not just say something like "We sat on the bed indian style facing each other"?

But anyway mostly I want to know about Cara Lynn. After reading the story I feel like I haven't met her yet.

sinfuldeeds: Firstly, THANK YOU for taking the time to read my work!

Secondly, I do need to fine-tune the grammar and the spelling as this is a first draft. "Reproductive potential" was supposed to suggest ejaculate or ejaculating in her. Also, the part about sitting Indian Style is a bit cumbersome and warrants changing, I agree.

Thirdly, the only reason I *did not* submit this through the proper channels is because I know it's a work-in-progress and it needs some more finessing. Before I click "Submit" I want to ensure it's as word-perfect as I can make it without being obsessive. Perhaps I ought to devote another 2-3 paragraphs to bringing her alive, straight up off the page, for someone who has not already envisioned my 18-year-old beauty. For the record, I'm not trying to circumvent the rules (mods who may be reading this).

Lastly, please note: this is a would-be first-time submission on my part, so, I really want to nail it (pun intended) before I attempt to have it published by Literotica. I'd love to have others share in the same delight that the character of Cara Lynn brings me, albeit a fictitious composite character in my mind's eye. Thanks again for your notes/critique... :)
 
Absolutely! I've been meaning to get into feedback here, but have been working hard on one of my own stories. I finished the chapter tonight tho! ! !*fistpump!*

One thing that might help in bringing Cara alive is by doing more of having the story happen instead of telling the story. Because the whole thing is in past tense I feel like I'm listening to you tell me the story after it happened. Id rather be going along for the ride with you WHEN it happens. I hope that makes sense. I'm not the best editor.

Speaking of editors, they may do you some good !
 
* I feel like you are skimping on the descriptions which make the story vivid in my mind. For you next story I want you to go through your adjectives and turn them into short sentences. For example: "erection-inducing" could become "stirring in my loins followed by the uncomfortable hardening lump in my pants." Actually, try turn one or two of your adjectives into a paragraph. "She might not have been a ten..." I'm sorry but get rid of that phrase - not only does it describe nothing but it is ranking women as objects.

* Comma abuse. Too little is better than overload.

* I agree with sui_generis_78, present tense would bring a welcome sense of urgency to this story

* (major) you are telling not showing. "She seemed a little scared that I might "hit it and quit it" " - that sentence should have been expanded into a full post-coital conversation.

* You understand you need an editor so I won't comment any more on nitpicking.

* (subjective) This is a bit harsh but I feel that the story progresses for no reason. I want to understand that character has decided to upset the status-quo and there was conscious choice to progress the story. I am not getting enough information that there is a mutual attraction that The Girl & The Main character are acting on. If I am getting the right signals then it is only logical they will rip each other's clothes off in passion - I want that.

* (subjective) I think 3,000 is too short for this scene, 5,000 to 6,000 feels better. Maybe more teasing or gauging each other's interest. I dunno.

* (Not exactly critique): You have already hit a climax at 3,000 words, so where do you intend to go from here? How can it get better or worse?

* (major)
"She had the female form that DNA causes to manifest to make the opposite gender want to fill her full of reproductive potential, but for me, it was not about that as I'd already had children."
-This is very descriptive. A bit TOO descriptive, I read that about three times before I gave up trying to figure it out and moved on.
Ya, but I say the opposite. You attempted a flashback memory with his wife, but you mysteriously deleted most of a paragraph before we could see it. So instead we get a clumsy sentence of too many ideas. Expand out into a paragraph: sexually desirable female / she makes me want to reproduce / already had children with wife /whatever you want to say / etc.

You do this many times.
Now that she was fully exposed to me, I was determined to give her oral. The characters in her story seemed to crave it, I'd been told by many a woman that I was pretty good at eating pussy.
It is a confusing mass of ideas mashed into only two sentences. Each sentence fragment should have been a whole paragraph.. .hmm, alright, two sentences for each of those fragments [and don't forget to have linking statements].
 
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Thirdly, the only reason I *did not* submit this through the proper channels is because I know it's a work-in-progress and it needs some more finessing. Before I click "Submit" I want to ensure it's as word-perfect as I can make it without being obsessive. Perhaps I ought to devote another 2-3 paragraphs to bringing her alive, straight up off the page, for someone who has not already envisioned my 18-year-old beauty. For the record, I'm not trying to circumvent the rules (mods who may be reading this).

It's fine if you need and want some editing and fine-tuning, but this still isn't the way to do it. Generally, the rule is to post three or so paragraphs and get some feedback from that. If you'd like more, then you can go to the editor's hangout and see if anyone can help you there. The first post is a sticky of available editors for the month, or you can post your own note asking for help. If you do that, specify the genre, length, etc., of your story.

But as sin noted, this forum is for feedback on stories that have already been posted to lit. This isn't where you go to fine-tune them.
 
* I feel like you are skimping on the descriptions which make the story vivid in my mind. For you next story I want you to go through your adjectives and turn them into short sentences. For example: "erection-inducing" could become "stirring in my loins followed by the uncomfortable hardening lump in my pants." Actually, try turn one or two of your adjectives into a paragraph. "She might not have been a ten..." I'm sorry but get rid of that phrase - not only does it describe nothing but it is ranking women as objects.

* Comma abuse. Too little is better than overload.

* I agree with sui_generis_78, present tense would bring a welcome sense of urgency to this story

* (major) you are telling not showing. "She seemed a little scared that I might "hit it and quit it" " - that sentence should have been expanded into a full post-coital conversation.

* You understand you need an editor so I won't comment any more on nitpicking.

* (subjective) This is a bit harsh but I feel that the story progresses for no reason. I want to understand that character has decided to upset the status-quo and there was conscious choice to progress the story. I am not getting enough information that there is a mutual attraction that The Girl & The Main character are acting on. If I am getting the right signals then it is only logical they will rip each other's clothes off in passion - I want that.

* (subjective) I think 3,000 is too short for this scene, 5,000 to 6,000 feels better. Maybe more teasing or gauging each other's interest. I dunno.

* (Not exactly critique): You have already hit a climax at 3,000 words, so where do you intend to go from here? How can it get better or worse?

* (major)

Ya, but I say the opposite. You attempted a flashback memory with his wife, but you mysteriously deleted most of a paragraph before we could see it. So instead we get a clumsy sentence of too many ideas. Expand out into a paragraph: sexually desirable female / she makes me want to reproduce / already had children with wife /whatever you want to say / etc.

You do this many times.

It is a confusing mass of ideas mashed into only two sentences. Each sentence fragment should have been a whole paragraph.. .hmm, alright, two sentences for each of those fragments [and don't forget to have linking statements].

"I feel like you are skimping on the descriptions which make the story vivid in my mind" is not a feeling, sweetums, its a thought: MAD, SAD, GLAD, AFRAID, TIRED, SLEEPY, HUNGRY, CONSTIPATED, NAUSEASOUS are feelings.
 
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