A rotund marital decision

[StrangeLife]

I recently became aware of the fact that a remote cousin of wifey's has separated from his young wife and is considering filing for divorce. That in itself created some disturbances because in her family "the d-word" is not an option (if I ever want out I'll need to run far and fast ).

But the reason has made an even bigger stir: She got fat.

Yep, the guy married a small and skinny girl, but today - three years and at least 80 pounds later - he is the spouse of a small but no longer so skinny wife. If you are barely pushing 5 feet 80 pounds is a lot to put on. And the pregnancy excuse doesn't apply because she hasn't had kids yet.

I have no idea whether her weight gain has affected their sex-life - I don't know the guy well enough to ask that kind of question - but I remember that he always seemed to date slim girls which could indicate that he isn't turned on by curves. And agility-wise it must have affected her.

Anyway, there are essentially two factions in the family - one that understands him and one that is on her side. The positions can be summed up as follows:



She selfishly changed the parameters of the marriage.

In a marriage you are supposed to fulfil each others needs and wishes, which means that he has to be a hunk for her and she has to be a hottie for him. By letting herself go like this, she has put her own love of food over any consideration for her husband and is essentially saying: "Fuck you - and go fetch me another piece of cake!"

Why should he stay married to a woman who holds him and his needs in such low regard? He is obviously not her first priority in life.



He promised to love her and honor her for better and for worse.

Beauty is only skin deep and you should remember that you married a person and not a pretty picture. Eventually we all change - we grow old, gravity takes it's toll, guys may lose their top-fur, women may get stretch-marks and so on and so forth. The point of a marriage is that you enter into a contractual relationship where you promise to stand by each other through life regardless of what might happen.

How can he be so superficial and desert his wife just because she changed physically?




Wifey's crazy family issues aside, I think this is an interesting conundrum, so I would be interested in seeing which faction would have the majority in the forum. And I elected to post it here in the hang-out because I see a use as a plot bunny (would something like this be a valid excuse for cheating for instance). I can sort of understand both sides, while my better half wants the guy castrated without anesthesia and fed to a pack of wild dogs....

 

[PennLady]

There are so many reasons this woman could have gained weight, and it's hardly only women who gain weight or "let themselves go" after marriage.

This woman could be depressed, or have a thyroid problem, or any number of things that contributed to or caused a weight gain. If her husband loves her, then he should want to find out what's going on.

I would say that both parties in a marriage owe it to their partner to stay healthy, to make an effort to maintain the appearance that attracted the other, etc. However, they also owe each other the effort of trying to figure out why things changed. So unless the others know *why* the woman gained weight, then siding with anyone doesn't help matters.

 

[Swilly]

Let me add another twist for you. Position one is based upon the assumption that fat people all sit around eating cake and ice cream and refuse to exercise. What we are just beginning to understand is that there is a lot more at play here than that. Here in the states, the Food Pyramid is a ridiculous mess that food companies are all over, promoting shit under the guise of healthy eating. The vilification of fats and pushing of whole grains is criminal. The addictive nature of carbohydrates perpetuates and extends the problem. These foods alter people's metabolisms in unhealthy ways. Some people are more susceptible to the effects of these foods than others.

So...has she let herself go, or is she a victim? And does that change anything?

 

[Hypoxia]

I have gained weight. I have recently dropped A LOT of pounds, like 25% of my body mass. My goal is to drop another 25% from where I am now. It's an achievable goal. But it's not easy. And, in a phrase, Ya really gotta wanna, and if ya don't wanna, ya ain't gonna.

Despite various psychobabble, the weight of humans and other animals is really a simple matter: Eat more calories than you burn, and you'll get fat. Burn more calories than you eat, and you'll drop weight. Motivations and physiology are embellishments -- the physics of eating trumps them. IMHO depression is not a valid excuse for porking-out.

That's a preface. Here goes: My partner stood by me when I was fat, and for that I am very grateful. Well, we got fat together, and we're slimming-down together, and it's all taken decades. IF I had suddenly bloated-up after marriage, AND I had been resistant to change, THEN divorce would have been justified, because I indeed *wasn't* whom they married.

Other partnerships may play by different rules. Is it a good marriage if one 'partner' can do whatever the hell they want without regard for their mate? Well, that's one sort of love game, where the marriage license is a get-out-of-jail-free card. Other games may demand more balance, more mutual respect. Do your vows include 'respect'? Does "letting yourself go" show respect to your mate? Is blatant disrespect grounds for divorce? That's for the participants to decide.

 

[PennLady]

Despite various psychobabble, the weight of humans and other animals is really a simple matter: Eat more calories than you burn, and you'll get fat. Burn more calories than you eat, and you'll drop weight. Motivations and physiology are embellishments -- the physics of eating trumps them. IMHO depression is not a valid excuse for porking-out.

Yes and no. Certainly at the base, calories in < calories out is the key. But if it was that simple, everyone would do it. I did Weight Watchers for a while years ago and dropped 70 pounds, and then I got pregnant. I wish I had and could have kept it off. Truth is that eating health and all that is hard work. It takes time and money, especially time.

And as for depression, I'm not talking about just kind of being down, which we all are from time to time. If a person is clinically depressed, then they are not thinking properly. Their brain chemistry is off. It's not about just being bored and eating.

Plus some people do have physical reasons for being unable to lose weight, or lose it easily, and some medications lead to weight gain. So it's not always so simple.

That's a preface. Here goes: My partner stood by me when I was fat, and for that I am very grateful. Well, we got fat together, and we're slimming-down together, and it's all taken decades. IF I had suddenly bloated-up after marriage, AND I had been resistant to change, THEN divorce would have been justified, because I indeed *wasn't* whom they married.

But those conditions are key and we don't how or if they apply to the original situation as described.

 

[patientlee]

I'm going to assume that hubby may have changed a bit from the dating days while I roll my eyes.

 

[StrangeLife]

I don't know whether - like Penn says - there are other factors involved, but she was slim until the age of 22. Then she married and today at the age of 25 she looks like a completely different person. She could have developed a depression - sure. Or maybe married life wasn't what she expected, so she started an affair with the fridge. She does eat voraciously for sure.

Like Hypoxia alludes to, weight control is both very simple and incredibly hard. It's simple math - eat less than your body needs and you'll lose weight. But it's also psychology which means that there can be a million issues causing a weight gain.

In either case, look at it from the guys point of view. He is 26 and could live for 60 years or more. If he is repulsed by fat girls, is he supposed to live out the rest of his life without ever again being with somebody he desires? That's a huge sacrifice to make for somebody who doesn't even care enough about you to control her calorie intake.




One could be tempted to make the assumption that the woman in question only kept in shape in order to land a good husband, and then afterwards felt secure enough to stop making an effort. Keeping the weight down in order to achieve a goal is not unheard of.

Case in point, Christina Aguilera. She has stated herself that it was an enormous effort to keep her old shape and she literally fainted on stage more than once. She feels the best as a voluptuous woman, but she also wants a career. And like Britney also discovered, that doesn't go well with being too padded. So they both got back on the treadmill.


Christina Aguilera year 2000

Christina Aguilera 2010 (she has since lost weight again)

 

[sr71plt]

She could always steal a march on him by suing him for divorce for being insufferably shallow.

 

[StrangeLife]

She could always steal a march on him by suing him for divorce for being insufferably shallow.

Latinos have large and very nosy families. It's not the lawyers they need to convince - it's the grannies on both sides and their cohorts...

 

[AMoveableBeast]

I don't date or marry for the chassis; I do it for the engine and the sex drive. Exteriors all change a bit as they age, but the good models will always feel better than new leather when you get in them and you'll still be begging them to ride you around town years later.

Personally, I kind of like them vintage.

 

[StrangeLife]

I don't date or marry for the chassis; I do it for the engine and the sex drive. Exteriors all change a bit as they age, but the good models will always feel better than new leather when you get in them and you'll still be begging them to ride you around town years later.

Personally, I kind of like them vintage.

But then again, there are certain things you simply cannot do if one party is significantly adiposically challenged. So even if the engine is bristling with power, you can't ride most of the roads if the car is too wide...

 

[AMoveableBeast]

I mean, are we talking anthropomorphically fat here? You can't have sex with a giant wheel of cheese, I suppose (Well...technically...), but I've yet to meet too many larger women who fall outside of the "we are all children of God" umbrella of copulation.

It's not so different from a tall girl or a short girl. You adjust. A sure way to be unhappy and alone in life is to cut out a space or draw a little chalk outline for a partner to occupy, and then try to shove everyone in there until they make a click. If that is the case, you need a hologram and a jar of microwaved mayonnaise, not a woman. Because women are different, sort of like people, but prettier.

Everyone changes, loses hair, gains scars. Kiss the imperfections. More often than not, the person will light up. Get her glowing brightly enough and, if you're not a huge douche only interested in scratching an itch, you'll forget all about what you THOUGHT you wanted.

 

[Gunnlaug]

There probably isn't enough information here to decide either way.

Most of the comments quite reasonably point out that his reaction is shallow, he should stick to a commitment he made, etc. But, of course, there's a 'but'. She could very well have a physical or psychological issue behind the weight loss, but has she refused to address that problem? Has the husband attempted to be supportive but been rebuffed? Does she refuse to discuss the issue if it's raised?

As a little background my relationship with my ex-wife rapidly soured not long after we married and said marriage became a three-year downward spiral until we slammed into the ground, burning fiercely and neither parachute opening. There were several issues that caused the crash, some of which I failed to address properly (I was young and stupid), but one vital one (not weight gain) my ex-wife point blank refused to discuss. Her refusal to talk about the issue, even after our agreement that it be discussed as part of an attempted reconciliation following a separation, was a central factor behind our divorce.

The point I am long-windedly making (apologies), is that we are presented with the simple information that the relationship is failing due to weight gain, when this screams at me that there are some underlying issues here which are much, much more important. Therefore I would prefer to hold back on a knee-jerk judgement of a man who otherwise appears to be a self-centred moron.

 

[Swilly]

Like Hypoxia alludes to, weight control is both very simple and incredibly hard. It's simple math - eat less than your body needs and you'll lose weight.

Ugh. I just wrote an entire post about this that I won't retype.

To summarize, this is untrue. Losing weight is meaningless, as is the concept of BMI. You need to think about body composition too. You need to think about what chemical processes take place in your body too. When we eat, our body doesn't just store fat or burn fat. It is much more complex than that, and what we eat can screw up the machine.

People have the concepts about what we should be eating and how we should be exercising all screwed up. The "Food Pyramid" has been bought and paid for by food companies.

This is my soapbox for elsewhere on the web, but I had to chime in.

For the record, neither myself nor my wife are fat, so I'm not just making excuses.

 

[MrFoxwood]

Because women are different, sort of like people, but prettier.

Yay, the internet made me laugh today.


With regards to the OP: he's allowed to leave her for any reason he likes, the reason he gave makes him a dick but at least he actually left her rather than cheating on her and/or risking the possibility of adding children to a relationship he knew wasn't going anywhere.

It's unfortunate but when one person isn't as invested in a relationship as the other, to the point that they want to walk, then they should. Should he really suffer a relationship he doesn't want just so she can lie to herself about how it's all still great? Especially when such denial is just building the tower higher so that when it does (almost inevitably) tumble, it'll hurt that much more. It might hurt now but she's lucky to be rid of him and able to find someone who wants her rather than the body she resides in.

He should be more clear in the future, and possibly be required to wear some kind of sign that alerts potential partners to the fact that down the line they'll be judged by their weight and may be discarded.

 

[SikFuk]

With age comes wisdom. It wasn't till I was in my 40's that I took to heart the old saying that women age like their mothers. If a guy is turned off by his girlfriend's mom, he might want to reconsider... There's another old saying, told to me by a Hispanic, called the Ten Pound Rule. Upon marriage, Hispanic women gain ten pounds a year. If the guy had known this, he might have made a different choice. Obviously, he didn't.

The obesity crisis in America is not a made up thing designed to hassle overweight people, it's an inconvenient truth, just like climate change or any number of other inconvenient truths most of society chooses to ignore. The guy in this scenario is dealing with the issue the only way he knows how. I understand this and sympathize with him. I mean, seriously, are we supposed to ignore our biology and coax a hard-on for a woman who doesn't arouse us? Or ignore a hard-on for a woman who does arouse us? Mate selection is based, in part, on arousal. Granted, it's the part between the ears that's important, but if the arousal factor isn't there, the part between the ears is never going to be revealed. Some could say this woman pulled a bait and switch on the guy, which is dishonest, and not deserving of unending devotion.

This scenario is the perfect example of why kids under 30 should not get married. They're still kids, fer cryin out loud. They don't know what they want, other than a partner with a hot bod. My sympathies go out to both parties, and to anyone I offended with my crass attitude.

(Anyone struggling with weight issues owes it to themselves to at least check out the Dr. Fuhrman diet.)

 

[AMoveableBeast]

The obesity crisis in America is not a made up thing designed to hassle overweight people, it's an inconvenient truth, just like climate change or any number of other inconvenient truths most of society chooses to ignore.

Is there nothing we can't learn from Al Gore? He is, after all, a 10th level vice president.

 

[Swilly]

The obesity crisis in America is not a made up thing designed to hassle overweight people, it's an inconvenient truth

But that doesn't answer the why. The why matters.

 

[PennLady]

But that doesn't answer the why. The why matters.

It matters for a lot of things.

If either of the OP couple was a friend of mine, I would suggest that they should take some time to discover why one of them has gained weight (or whatever the problem is). This might mean a physical checkup, a visit with a therapist, a long talk alone at night with each other, whatever. I think when you've made marriage or other commitment vows, you owe it to yourselves and each other to try to figure out what's going on. I'd say gaining 80 lbs in something like three years is a red flag of some kind. If he cares about her, he should care about finding out why.

In general, there are other "whys" about obesity. Many jobs are sedentary, and you can't always get away from your desk for a walk or a trip to the gym. Gyms can be expensive; I used to work for a place that paid half of a gym membership, but a lot of places don't do that and people can't afford it. Many people work long hours, which gives you even less time to exercise -- and exercise was something that not too long ago was simply a part of people's every day lives.

We eat a lot of processed foods. For all the articles I see about preparing your own food on a budget or schedule, they often gloss over the fact that it still takes time, and people don't always have that time. Healthier foods often cost more, as well, plus they go bad faster.

My point is there are lots of factors at work on the personal and social levels that contribute to obesity, and so there's no one-size-fits-all solution.

And on that note, my daughter has proposed we go for a walk, and we'll even see "nature" that she can draw.

 

[Swilly]

We eat a lot of processed foods

Bingo. And we're encouraged to eat them. Fruit is specifically bred to be sweeter. Farmed fish are fed crap that changes their fatty acid profile, negating their health benefits.

On and on it goes.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Bingo. And we're encouraged to eat them. Fruit is specifically bred to be sweeter. Farmed fish are fed crap that changes their fatty acid profile, negating their health benefits.

On and on it goes.

Actually, fruits and vegetables are engineered to be more durable for shipment and uniformly colored, with the result being a loss of flavor.

 

[LadyVer]

I agree with some of the comments. Sometimes weight loss is more about other issues. I have a male relative who up until 40 was gorgeous. He's gained about 80 pounds, has a thyroid problem, and isn't as active as he once was. He went from being a really easy-going guy who was fun to be around to being a controlling, criticizing jerk with no sense of humor. His wife is still thin and is still with him, although I understand there are times she can't keep quiet about their relationship and says that she's about had it with him (more for his critical, hostile behavior than being overweight). And she couldn't divorce him. After all, they're still living the perfect Christian couple myth and he still travels the world teaching third world pastors how to preach and grow their church.

 

[Hypoxia]

Yes, many factors are involved. No, we don't have sufficient information about the OP case. Yes, weight control is both simple and complex, and is rarely easy. Yes, personal psychology and social pressures are involved.

BUT -- porking-out does not make one a victim. Others are to blame (responsible) for what they do to us. We are to blame (responsible) for what we do to ourselves. We may ignore what we do to ourselves for a long long time -- but we're still responsible. We need to learn self-control, yes? Live and learn; or don't learn, and die.

Nobody forced me to eat, drink, smoke, fuck unwisely, take stupid / crazy risks -- and I don't think I absorbed much media hype about such matters, having had some training in medicine and nutrition. (And not just Food Pyramid lessons, either.) I did what I did to myself knowing full well what was involved but not really caring. Attitude trumped information.

That's the heart of it -- caring. Real motivation. I'll repeat: Ya really gotta wanna, and if ya don't wanna, ya ain't gonna. For me, it was like a switch flipping in my head, from DOESN'T MATTER to DON'T DO THAT! Such switches have flipped for several self-destructive behaviors. I really hadda wanna. It wasn't easy, just simple.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Actually, fruits and vegetables are engineered to be more durable for shipment and uniformly colored, with the result being a loss of flavor.

I grow organic fruits and veggies, and the fresh aromas are often too strong. I don't have that problem at the grocery store produce section. And the food is healthier. What I grow helped kick my wife's diabetes and blood pressure in the ass. She's off all her meds but one.

 

[StrangeLife]

The point I am long-windedly making (apologies), is that we are presented with the simple information that the relationship is failing due to weight gain, when this screams at me that there are some underlying issues here which are much, much more important. Therefore I would prefer to hold back on a knee-jerk judgement of a man who otherwise appears to be a self-centred moron.

I know her loosely and as far as I can tell she has no major issues. I suspect she is simply bored. From being a free spirited college student, she is now suddenly busy building a family... stuck with a mortgage... always short of money... hubby working long hours and maybe being too tired to remember to compliment her once in a while...

It's not so different from a tall girl or a short girl. You adjust. A sure way to be unhappy and alone in life is to cut out a space or draw a little chalk outline for a partner to occupy, and then try to shove everyone in there until they make a click. If that is the case, you need a hologram and a jar of microwaved mayonnaise, not a woman. Because women are different, sort of like people, but prettier.

Everyone changes, loses hair, gains scars. Kiss the imperfections. More often than not, the person will light up. Get her glowing brightly enough and, if you're not a huge douche only interested in scratching an itch, you'll forget all about what you THOUGHT you wanted.

What is particular about this case is the duration of the marriage. They walked down the isle three years ago! If she was a car she would still be under warranty. This is not a girl who has matured naturally and bears the scars of life. She bears "the scars of Ben & Jerry". Most people I know didn't change much from 22 to 25.

And seriously - at 25 they should able to go trekking in the Rockies, paragliding, bungee jumping, dancing all night long, have wild sex in strange ways and weird places all the time... all that active stuff a young couple does. But they can't because she has unilaterally robbed them both of all that in return for the selfish pleasure of over-eating on chips and candy.