First-Submission Feedback (Gay Male): My Brother and His Boyfriend

Hey everyone,

So after reading stories on here for a few years, I've decided to finally put something of mine out there. I went on a whim and wrote 4 chapters so far, and I'd love to hear what more people have to say about it. I know they need a fair share of editing, but I'm pretty self-conscious about it and have to publish them as soon as they're done, otherwise I'll back down.

The category's gay male, so only read if that floats your boat. Cheers!

LG

My Brother and His Boyfriend, Ch. 02, Ch. 03, Ch. 04

Gay male doesn't float my boat, actually, but I read it anyway.
I get what you said about posting before selfconsciousness stops you, but I think you'd do yourself a huge favor if you at least read the entire thing aloud first. It's a great way to catch clunky dialogue and the little errors that tend to creep in when you revise as you write.

Personally, I think it's a bad idea to add more perspectives. It would give the piece the feel of an oral history. Also, at least after reading the first chapter, I felt like the shift in POV kept me from identifying with any of the characters.

Thanks! The different perspectives are a lot fun to write, but I guess it does make the characters less identifiable. I was thinking of adding more, but I think I'll stick to the 4 I have so far.

londonganymede said:

Thanks! The different perspectives are a lot fun to write, but I guess it does make the characters less identifiable. I was thinking of adding more, but I think I'll stick to the 4 I have so far.

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I saw your comment after the story about possibly adding more perspectives, which is part of the reason I mentioned it.

I'll read more before offering anything else, because most of the points I thought of regarding storyline might be answered later.

Switching POVs did not work for me. I have seen it increasingly in published fiction and didn't like it then. Sticking to one POV allows you to have an omniscent POV toward other characters and an introspective one for the 1st person POV character. Switching to 3 or more different 1st person POVs only allows individual introspection of each. You can make only observations filtered through that character's pysche. I think it makes the writing more difficult. Many new writers are more comfortable with 1st person, but learning to write 3rd is very important.

You write well. I think the story would have worked better if the brother (the original 1st person ) had been straight, but that is, perhaps, only my personal taste.

By all means, keep writing; the more you do it the better you will get.

robertreams said:

Switching POVs did not work for me. I have seen it increasingly in published fiction and didn't like it then.

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I'm reading a Nora Roberts now, and she switches POVs constantly. It's bothering me in the read but that maybe mostly because I'm trained to look for it.

I think robertreams touched on something that was bothering me. By shifting to different first person narratives, you know that you'll be speaking from one POV later and are more likely to tell something about a character from his own perspective than show it through another character's observations. I think that's why the story feels like it's lacking in tension.

Also, I think readers kind of want to identify and sympathize with one character more than the others, and that kind of gets lost in the switching.

Finally, the story strikes me as a bunch of sex scenes tied together with some transitions, but no central conflict. Lars' appearance was something new for Noah, but it didn't really upset the apple cart. At some point, I like to see something go really wrong or at least really get in the way of some character's goal. Perhaps that happens beyond the two chapters I've read.

Thanks guys, this has all been pretty useful. I think it's a matter of time before I start a new series from scratch and use some of the same stories but a different style of writing.