? about IRL community--munches, clubs, etc

First, a little background for those unfamiliar with my situation. I have been with my husband for 20+ years, and we have been married for 16+ years. I have known that I was submissive for longer than that, and tried, though failed miserably, to approach the topic of BDSM in general, and my submissive and other kinky proclivities specifically, through quite passive-agressive means before and when we firs were married. Due to a variety of circumstances, those ideas were pushed aside for many years. Our sex life has always been good and included adventure, so I was never unsatisfied. However, a few years ago, we earnestly began anew to discuss my kinks and desires, as well as his. I try to point out/explain the ways he often unconsciously demonstrates domination that turns me on. He is quite interested in "figuring this BDSM thing out," as it pertains specifically to us.


I mentioned BDSM gatherings in passing to my husband recently. His questions, a few days later: "What is the point? What would we get from them?" We live in a small town, so we would be looking at going to probably Minneapolis for a measure of anonymity, given the area in which we live and his relatively public position. He told me that he is more than willing to try almost anything to learn, if it would be of benefit to helping him please me.

He is not much for joining and participating in online venues such as this. My answers were not very satisfactory, as I have never been involved in a RL BDSM community, so I told him I would pose these question here, on his behalf.

So, what is the point/benefit of becoming becoming involved in a RL community? Are there any? I discussed education, safety, etc, but I know I missed the mark with my explanation. And, now, I am rambling. Help!

Some people find it beneficial to spend time with like minded individuals. Going to a munch or BDSM convention or whatever, would be the kinky equivalent of people who are in car clubs, or crossfit, or model airplane groups... sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.

However, it's equally valid to not be interested in the "scene" - munches or otherwise. I also don't necessarily feel formal education (classes, mentors, etc) are necessary for *most* PYL/pyl relationships. If you're dying to do risky stuff (blood, certain types of bondage, heavy impact play, etc)... yes. But your average, run of the mill power dynamic? Most of it just takes common sense, communication and an open mind.

It's only beneficial to you if there's something specific you want out of it. If you're just going because people told you that was the best place to start, it's probably not. You can meet people and make friends if you want some friends you know are kinky. Going to certain venues gives you a chance to try equipment you may otherwise not have at home, if you're curious about something and want to try it. Sometimes there's classes on things, but like CM stated, it's only useful if you're looking to do risky stuff that is best taught by someone that knows what they're doing (and even then make sure they actually have a clue).

What is it that you think you might learn at a munch or club? If your husband wants to learn but doesn't want to go to a public venue or join a site with info, how does he plan to get information? Is he relying on you to spoon feed him everything? Or would he feel more comfortable with a book?

(As a note: spoon feeding gets old and frustrating after awhile in my experience.)

Hey neighbor! I'm in MN.

Originally, I joined the local community here as a way to find a man! I found that wasn't a great idea!! Even better though, I found a great group of friends and a great sense of community.

There are a ton of munches here. Join Fet Life and do a search on Minnesota groups. You could go to a munch every night, if you wanted. There's a kinky book club, a scotch and cigar club, a spanking group (of which I'm a moderator), a group just for submissives...

Some of the munches are boring. It's a lot like going to an after work function. Chit chat, usually dinner, sometimes a few cocktails. It's weird for new people sometimes. Like the new kid in the class. When I was new, I went to everything. I volunteered to help at parties, I went kinky camping, I went to a bunch of vanilla things organized by kinky people. It was just a way to get to know like-minded folks.

It's really no different than joining any other group. Why do you join a book club or a theater group? To hang out with people who like what you like and do stuff with them. There's a weird newbie period, you keep going, you meet some people you think are nuts and then you might meet some people who you really like. You might even find some fun venues where you can get your kink on.

I've formed a really great group of girlfriends because of my community involvement. I haven't been super active in the community for a couple of years due to personal issues but I know I can rely on folks in the community for friendship and kinkship.

Good luck. Have fun!!!

As others have said, you don't have to join a community.

We did because we wanted to learn. People can be very creative and ingenious, and in our experience it's been fun to watch and discuss others scenes. We do heavy impact play, and have learned sooooooo much on how to play safely. We've made some wonderful friends who have invited us along to private parties where we've been able to use equipment that we wouldn't be able to use otherwise. We just don't have the space or money available to have our own spanking bench and st. Andrews cross.

Thank you

Thank you all for the feedback. I think I *maybe*, almost, sort of have my husband talked into creating a Lit account. He did read all of the responses, and I think that is a good first step.

I also had him read Stellla's essay, and we are going to look into the recommended books. We might still consider some RL stuff in the future, but as my husband is a newspaper editor, the election has, and will continue, to occupy his time.