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Need to talk to Others about Sexless Marriage

Well done, this is not a practice, you need to feel right 100% of the time, difficult choices I know but no one should live like a monk/nun. FJ, buy him some little blue pills or kick him into touch, 14 years, crickey what will you feel like when it's 41 years, probably like me, horney and hurt that it's all just slid by and a little late to move on,
 
Bigshed said:
Well done, this is not a practice, you need to feel right 100% of the time, difficult choices I know but no one should live like a monk/nun. FJ, buy him some little blue pills or kick him into touch, 14 years, crickey what will you feel like when it's 41 years, probably like me, horney and hurt that it's all just slid by and a little late to move on,
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Hey shed. I don't think you were listening to FJ.
No marriage is perfect and no one will feel right 100% of the time so following your standard everyone would be doomed to wander alone in search of the unattainable.

There is more to love and a good marriage than sex and I pity you if that is all you base your life and happiness on...
Honestly I think to make a blanket statement like you did is contemptible.
I love my wife but she has had some severe health issues over the last 5 years and she now has metastatic melanoma diagnosed just in October. I would really have to be a selfish pig to only think of my needs and happiness if I followed your advice.
Think about what you say next time it doesn't fit every situation.
 
Interesting how we often fall into one of two camps - either sex is extremely important and lack thereof justification for the end of the relationship or there is more to a relationship than sex and we should tough it out.

It is very hard not to project our own experiences and assumptions onto this type of discussion when the context is so limited by the communication medium.

I've have known people who seem to put too much emphasis on sex......but then how much is too much and who gets to decide? I have also seen people be dismissive of their partners appetites and immediately resort to the good old "there is more to marriage than sex "line. Both can be right and both can be wrong.

Each person's sexual desire is unique and mostly involuntary. If you or your spouse indulge in passing judgment on what the other's needs "should" be then there is a problem. Likewise if you or your spouse are resorting to the "sex isn't everything" line as means of avoiding things you/they don't want to think about there is a problem.

Its not everything but its not nothing either. And the implications for the relationship are in my view in the approach of each partner more so than the frequency of sexual interaction. It is unhealthy to make sex the be all and end all of the relationship. But it is equally unhealthy to dismiss the other party's needs on the fatuous premise that it shouldn't be so important. If one party or the other thinks it is important then it IS important.

As previously noted if there is a lack of sex and the partner least interested doesn't want to talk about then there are two problems aren't there?. And I would say that the unwillingness to engage discussion on the issue based upon unilateral view as to the legitimacy of that issue is the far bigger problem.
 
Hey, Rik.
I'm in the same boat. I know full well I am not alone but this is new to me too.
I am NOT bi.
I have a great relationship overall with my wife BUT she is post-menopausal and as a result I suffer from dyspareunia.
I say I suffer because because it is devastating to me. She doesn't really seem to give a damn. Partly because she "just doesn't feel that way anymore" and partly because she is terrified of the increased risk of cancer as a side effect of any treatments out there.
Either way leaves me here to do whatever.
 
Titts4Tatts said:
I read this and parts just made me sad. First, cum isn't nasty. Or gross. At least I don't think so. And I know many who share that sentiment. And I'm sorry you have withdrawn from her and possibly the reality of it all.

I'm married in a sexless marriage. Ours is different in that we both still enjoy sex. We both still want sex. I just won't have sex with him. And I'm not withholding sex. I just don't like him touching me any longer. He leaves 100% of all household duties. Lawncare and raising a Grandson up to me. When he comes home from work he sits and rests. I work and work . I don't stop until I turn in around midnight. And I'm exhausted. Talking has been to no avail. So until he can step up to the plate and at least mow the durn grass he won't be touching me. I hate saying that. It sounds so harsh. But how the heck can any man just sit back and watch his wife running like a race horse and working like a mule. I hope your situation will improve.
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Wow, how sad. You sound like a wonderful woman!
 
sexless marriage

I'm reading these stories and am amazed. For the longest time, I thought I was in a small boat on a great big ocean by myself. I'm not sure if it's comforting to know that the boat is large and filed with lots of lost souls, but it makes me feel that maybe I'm not crazy.

The way I see it, this is a topic with a large group of passengers. There are several different boats. I guess I'm in the boat that includes those that feel that we shouldn't leave because we deserve to be happy, because it isn't feasible.

I've been married for almost 30 years to someone who still makes me laugh and who is a great mother to our children but has given up on sex. I've tried to talk about it, but it really doesn't get us anywhere. So, I fantasize and wonder what it must be like to have that wonderful, sensual soul to share intimacy with. I've met a few men that gave up on their marriage in search of sex...and jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I would love to chat with a few ladies that are in the same boat!
 
You're not the only one

rik_steele said:
Hi Guys and Gals. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I really hope to talk to others struggling with similar problems - that of living in a sexless marriage. I'm very open-minded and kinky. My wife is sadly inhibited and reserved. I tried to open up to her about my bisexual fantasies and other fantasies. She said it made her uncomfortable. I feel alone.

If there are others out there who can relate, can you say "Hi" and maybe send me a PM? I'm lonely.

Happy New Year
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100% not alone
 
funguy7478 said:
I'm reading these stories and am amazed. For the longest time, I thought I was in a small boat on a great big ocean by myself. I'm not sure if it's comforting to know that the boat is large and filed with lots of lost souls, but it makes me feel that maybe I'm not crazy.

The way I see it, this is a topic with a large group of passengers. There are several different boats. I guess I'm in the boat that includes those that feel that we shouldn't leave because we deserve to be happy, because it isn't feasible.

I've been married for almost 30 years to someone who still makes me laugh and who is a great mother to our children but has given up on sex. I've tried to talk about it, but it really doesn't get us anywhere. So, I fantasize and wonder what it must be like to have that wonderful, sensual soul to share intimacy with. I've met a few men that gave up on their marriage in search of sex...and jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I would love to chat with a few ladies that are in the same boat!
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You're not alone. many boats on the ocean with you including others in the "I'm not leaving brigade"
 
Pink_Milkmaid said:
You're not alone. many boats on the ocean with you including others in the "I'm not leaving brigade"
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Yes...many, many, boats...you start to feel like you're sailing alone on that ocean, but I know I'm not leaving, even if my situation never changes, and I'm pretty resigned that it won't. Looking back, sex was good but always infrequent, even " back in the day". I don't know why I didn't work harder at resolving the issue then, but I guess I was busy with work, family, etc, and by the time it really hit me that things weren't going so well...it was years of nothing at all :(
 
afriendg said:
Yes...many, many, boats...you start to feel like you're sailing alone on that ocean, but I know I'm not leaving, even if my situation never changes, and I'm pretty resigned that it won't. Looking back, sex was good but always infrequent, even " back in the day". I don't know why I didn't work harder at resolving the issue then, but I guess I was busy with work, family, etc, and by the time it really hit me that things weren't going so well...it was years of nothing at all :(
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Exactly the case here too. Good, infrequent but life got in the way and now life is far too complicated to resolve it.
 
No longer married here, but you are not alone. There are others like you out there. Have you tried Fetlife?
 
Pink_Milkmaid said:
Exactly the case here too. Good, infrequent but life got in the way and now life is far too complicated to resolve it.
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Were seeing some counselors but the BIG issues are keeping anything else from advancing (adult son is bipolar). So every session is 99% about kids. We used to have a vibrant sometimes adventurous sex life (secluded park...a quiet beach). Not anymore. Its like 'ifs its not absolutely moral based on the 1828 temperance guide to moral virtues' then its sorry charlie.
 
NightOfPassion2 said:
Were seeing some counselors but the BIG issues are keeping anything else from advancing (adult son is bipolar). So every session is 99% about kids. We used to have a vibrant sometimes adventurous sex life (secluded park...a quiet beach). Not anymore. Its like 'ifs its not absolutely moral based on the 1828 temperance guide to moral virtues' then its sorry charlie.
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I'm sorry. I don't have any good advice just commiseration. Outside life stuff makes it HARD, and that sucks.
 
Tgft

So glad I found this thread; so much of what has been said here resonates with me. married 31 years, sex life none existant and never was much good. I would always be reminded that she could have done the shopping or some such and that would have been a better use of her time. Like many here, it's too late to go; she drinks to excess most nights so I am just staying here making sure she doesn't burn the house down or drink away my sons' inheritance. Lit sometimes provides light relief but can never replace the yearning and touching of a rreal life experience. finally, for some reason I always thought this was a "man" problem - clearly is isn't! Sam :)
 
D(.)(.)

D(.)(.)--------------- I sent a PM to Mr Steele. It may not make sense but it shows we are not all on the Titanic, the Love Boat, or the Minnow. Our little boat has always landed on Fantasy Island and the sex has been wonderful.
Maybe some of you need to book a different cruise with some wild women.
 
Wow

submit4pleasure said:
I can totally relate to what you said. My relationship is the female version. Together 15 years, I've had my pussy eaten six times. The last time was two years ago. I usually suck his dick 4-8 times a week. Sex is doggy or missionary, foreplay is me sucking his dick, no touching or kissing. It makes me feel very lonely. You are definitely not alone. PM if you'd like to talk.
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My wife wont let me go down on her. Sadly I enjoy that more than sex itself. She thinks its gross and nasty. We have been married 34 years. I made my vows and I will abide, but honestly, I hope death comes knocking soon. Now I know what MeatLoaf was singing about in Paradise by the dashboard lights. On a side note, I looked at all the ladies pictures on this thread, and may I say you all are hot. I cant imagine a REAL man not wanting to make love to yall.
 
I don't think there is an easy answer to what anyone has posted. While we all have a common thread, we have each found our own way to deal with it. Almost exactly a year ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It has been almost 3 years now since we have had sex. It wasn't even about the intercourse of sex. We don't hold hands, kiss, hug, cuddle, nothing. I need that intimacy. The sexual aspect of our relationship wasn't what drove me to ask for the divorce, it was the fact that were weren't even friends any more. I was tired of the emotional abuse and found the strength to say enough. We had nothing in common, except our kids. It wasn't until he saw the paperwork come in the mail from my attorney to review that he knew I was serious. He went to counseling (again) but this time just for him as I told him 4 previous rounds of marriage counseling hadn't made a difference. I put myself in counseling and found a counselor for my kids too. He is trying. I give him credit for that. But now, he wants to make all these changes and mend fences and I just don't know if I want to continue or not. I held on to so much hope for so long that I got used to the isolation and truly resigned myself to the fact that we were over. I know if there were not kids involved, I would have been out a long time ago. They didn't ask for this home life. But they also deserve 2 happy parents. He has recently tried to kiss me and I almost puked. I was so turned off. I don't know what to do. My heart says I took vows and should try and make it work, but my head says I know exactly what I want in a relationship and it will never be him. In the meantime, I come here and play and have the occasional affair. But I can't continue like this.
 
In the same boat. Have brought the lack of sex up multiple times over our 25+ years of marriage. All I get is a response that she will work on it. We haven't had intercourse in 5-6 years. May get a HJ once a year, if I'm lucky. Have tried romance, helping around the house more, getting fit, sexual techniques, trips, etc... All to no avail. Love her and get along fine, but get nothing physically. Close to looking outside the marriage but don't want to cheat. Just extremely frustrated! :(
 
daddysbaby150 said:
I don't think there is an easy answer to what anyone has posted. While we all have a common thread, we have each found our own way to deal with it. Almost exactly a year ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It has been almost 3 years now since we have had sex. It wasn't even about the intercourse of sex. We don't hold hands, kiss, hug, cuddle, nothing. I need that intimacy. The sexual aspect of our relationship wasn't what drove me to ask for the divorce, it was the fact that were weren't even friends any more. I was tired of the emotional abuse and found the strength to say enough. We had nothing in common, except our kids. It wasn't until he saw the paperwork come in the mail from my attorney to review that he knew I was serious. He went to counseling (again) but this time just for him as I told him 4 previous rounds of marriage counseling hadn't made a difference. I put myself in counseling and found a counselor for my kids too. He is trying. I give him credit for that. But now, he wants to make all these changes and mend fences and I just don't know if I want to continue or not. I held on to so much hope for so long that I got used to the isolation and truly resigned myself to the fact that we were over. I know if there were not kids involved, I would have been out a long time ago. They didn't ask for this home life. But they also deserve 2 happy parents. He has recently tried to kiss me and I almost puked. I was so turned off. I don't know what to do. My heart says I took vows and should try and make it work, but my head says I know exactly what I want in a relationship and it will never be him. In the meantime, I come here and play and have the occasional affair. But I can't continue like this.
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(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trust your gut and your head, I think--guilt can't be the only glue.
 
Agreed. I know what I need to do and I am continuing to take steps to make it happen. Everything I have done in the past year is with the thought of freedom and independence. I have made so many positive changes in myself and have taken several calculated risks, most of which have paid off. I don't feel sorry for myself, I'm not a victim. I have the mentality now that he can keep up or be left in the dust. I know everything will happen exactly as it is supposed to. Thanks for the pm's and messages though.
 
Same situation

I know this is an older thread but I have to jump in here because this describes my situation perfectly. Been married about 15 years and the last 2 have been completely sexless. The years before then it was a gradual 10 year decline in the intimacy in my marriage. It just became less and less frequent till it was neither of us could remember the last time. I'm a healthy 40 some year old guy with a normal sex drive and desire to have a fun active sex life as part of my marriage. Her, not so much. She just doesn't seem to miss it or care. Two years ago she had a complete hysterectomy. I understand losing both ovaries and with it hormones and any sex drive. But the sex was pretty much gone before then.
I stay for the kid and when she moves out and is good to go I think I'll make my exit. It just sucks watching years go by in an unsatisfying marriage.
If anyone that can relate would like to talk drop me a PM.
 
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