Need to talk to Others about Sexless Marriage

[AKentuckyLady]

I'm right there with you and Ice. I'm in a sexless marriage. It's awful

Sending you hugs, Lollygirl!

 

[AKentuckyLady]

I read this and parts just made me sad. First, cum isn't nasty. Or gross. At least I don't think so. And I know many who share that sentiment. And I'm sorry you have withdrawn from her and possibly the reality of it all.

I'm married in a sexless marriage. Ours is different in that we both still enjoy sex. We both still want sex. I just won't have sex with him. And I'm not withholding sex. I just don't like him touching me any longer. He leaves 100% of all household duties. Lawncare and raising a Grandson up to me. When he comes home from work he sits and rests. I work and work . I don't stop until I turn in around midnight. And I'm exhausted. Talking has been to no avail. So until he can step up to the plate and at least mow the durn grass he won't be touching me. I hate saying that. It sounds so harsh. But how the heck can any man just sit back and watch his wife running like a race horse and working like a mule. I hope your situation will improve.

No grandkids here, but this sounds eerily similar to my situation. I have a husband that doesn't work, won't do his share around the house, and sits on his ass playing computer games all day while I work to support us and on top of it...no sex.

So kicking him to the curb is the best thing I can do. I'm tired of providing everything, and not getting anything in return. It's like having a sulky 12 year old instead of a partner.

Hugs, Titts4Tatts! I think you and I need to go on vacation down in the Caribbean and find ourselves a few cabana boys and some alcohol

 

[FelicityJohns]

......

 

[Jamicurechickie]

No grandkids here, but this sounds eerily similar to my situation. I have a husband that doesn't work, won't do his share around the house, and sits on his ass playing computer games all day while I work to support us and on top of it...no sex.

So kicking him to the curb is the best thing I can do. I'm tired of providing everything, and not getting anything in return. It's like having a sulky 12 year old instead of a partner.

Hugs, Titts4Tatts! I think you and I need to go on vacation down in the Caribbean and find ourselves a few cabana boys and some alcohol

Can I come too??? I tip exceptionally well!!

All of these responses - both you men and you ladies - have really hit home...so here is my tale. The verdict is in and we are done here. I tried......we tried......but when I sat down and wrote the pros and cons down......yes, on paper!!......there are so many other things in our relationship that are wrong. The base of our relationship has crumbled into oblivion. Now that the kids are being excellent young men elsewhere it is glaringly obvious. I honestly don't think people will be totally surprised. We talked and when I rationally told him what was wrong....he sees it too. Yes AKentuckyLady....I believe whoever also created Judge Judy should be shot....same thing, different shit. Day in day out. Oh but at least he cooks occasionally. But I am the breadwinner, the bill payer, the cleaning lady, the go and get this lady, the secretary lady....all with a wonky support system....one that I found, to my dismay, that could not stand up and support me in my time of need. That actually was the beginning of the end. So Lit became my escape...also because of the no sex.

So 2016 will be a year of transition for me....for us....for our family. And I hope that we can keep it above board and amicable. I also know I have some great friends that will support me and some who will fall by the wayside....oh well.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Can I come too??? I tip exceptionally well!!

So 2016 will be a year of transition for me....for us....for our family. And I hope that we can keep it above board and amicable. I also know I have some great friends that will support me and some who will fall by the wayside....oh well.

Sending you a hug too. Feel free to PM me any time. This is going to be a major year of change for me too and we need to all stick together for support. That's the one thing Lit is so good for!

 

[JamesRTickit]

The future

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

Sex seems to have this unique status in many relationships whereby it is expected to occur only within the context of both partners being spontaneously enthusiastic and interested. When that is not the case the disinterested partner takes the view that their lack of interest is unto itself an adequate excuse. I don't buy that at least not over time. Sex is an integral and important part of marriage. In the absence of real physical or mental incapacity, failing to engage in sexual activity with your partner is a betrayal of the marital commitment.

Obviously people will have different views as to how much sex is realistic. But there does come a point where neglect is occurring and at that point I think you are entitled to transition from discussing needs and desires to calling out your partner for not holding up their end of the bargain.

I for one enjoy sex with my husband, but I still take care of him when I am not in the mood. He'll go spend two hours trimming the hedges when he doesn't want to and doesn't think it needs to be done just because I ask. On what basis can I then refuse a 5 minute blowjob? So what if I am not in the mood.....he wasn't in the mood to trim the hedges either but he did it for me. And he's not some jerk in a bar, he is my loving husband. Yes he is entitled to expect sex from me......not on demand or always on his terms but regular good, loving affectionate sex.

Also I think we each have to make our own determination as to whether the lack of sexual activity is a deal breaker. Of course ending a relationship due to lack of sex is not something to be taken lightly and you should look at all aspects of the relationship. But I don't accept the premise that there is some generalized truth that it isn't a good enough reason to end it. Assuming a spouse has heard your concerns and still refuses to do anything about it there are at least two problems in the relationship - no sex and selfishness. Now as you seek your own happiness make sure you are realistic about what would actually transpire if you end the relationship as opposed to some idealized version of what the next relationship will be like. But ultimately if the lack of sex is truly a barrier to your happiness then that is the reality - it isn't for any of us to tell you that it shouldn't be.

In my mind this sometimes becomes a feminist or gender equality issue. Its not. We aren't talking about a guy expecting something from a woman who has no connection to him we are talking about a guy expecting the woman to whom he has devoted himself and who made an explicit commitment to him to keep it.

I keep popping in and out of this thread. The problem for every one is compatibility, most on her are wanting it and spouses don't, it either is part and parcel of a declining relationship or a sign that the active partner has to make some lifestyle choices. It isn't really even a moral issue, it is a human matter. Can you imagine living for another 30 or 40 years without sex. Many can but many can't

 

[EliseTheGoodWitch]

I guess I'll step in here as the only woman except Ice Princess so far. I've been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, but I'm finally done and getting out. Divorce should be final by early March. It's not the only reason I'm finally leaving, but it's something I realize I should have done years ago.

All I can say is that when you've had enough, then do what's best for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. It took me a long time to realize this and now, it's time to find what makes me happy.

Happy New Year

After 20 years took that advice a couple of years ago and do not regret it. Did not reach the decision lightly -- definitely not an easy process -- but in the end I am healthier for it in all respects - mind, body and soul.

 

[TheCyclist]

After 20 years took that advice a couple of years ago and do not regret it. Did not reach the decision lightly -- definitely not an easy process -- but in the end I am healthier for it in all respects - mind, body and soul.

Good for you. I am in a similar position to you guys and so must contemplate my future this year.

 

[Iowamiguy]

I'm 35. Married to a 28 year old gal. I am sure I can tell you the date we conceived our son because we have sex so infrequently. I am the bread winner. Also the only one that seems to care about the household. I am lucky that I can allow her to stay home with the kids. I love to cook so I don't care that dinner isn't on the table when I get home. I know taking care of kids is hard work. I just worry that I'll be 40. The kids will be in school all day and I'll still never get sex. Wifey doesn't seem to think sex matters. No blow jobs, hand jobs, sexual contact of any kind. When we did have sex I ALWAYS went down on her. I enjoy it. More for the fact I know she will always cum and that is important to me. But then after she cums it was like a chore and she just wants me to nut and get it over with. I feel like she is not attracted to me and is only with me because I am a provider. She doesn't seem to care about sex and attempts to discuss this with her have been non productive. She roles her eyes and tells me I am being silly. I feel like I have no options with the kids in the mix. It's just lonely and I'm beginning to get resentful. I need to know I have hope.

 

[lacandy]

if sexual incompatibilities are the only issue, that is not, IMO, reason enough to ditch a partnership.

I ended my marriage for several reasons, sexual incompatibility being one of them. However, in my case, that withdrawal of intimacy was a product of other, deeper problems we could not overcome.

I would advise making sure that all other areas of your marriage are healthy first. Then examine the sex life. No need throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.

You may find out there are other underlying causes to your differing sexual appetites. Work on those first. When you're both 80, you aren't going to care if she likes certain types of sex or needs it twice a day. You're going to want the bond that developed for other reasons.

Sex is great, healing, bonding, but it's only one piece of the puzzle required to sustain a partnership such as marriage.

I hope this helps a little.
I know it's difficult.

I love this RA! It is such a thoughtful and perfect answer for so many in this situation...the "you should leave because you deserve to be happy" answer isn't feasible for most.

I've told my story more than a few times, I've been married for 25 years to someone who still makes me laugh, who is a great father to our children, who is a great provider for our family...just because I can't get laid as often as or in the way that I want doesn't mean that I put all of that good aside. I am happy about 50% of the time right now. If that changes to a point where I'm unhappy much more than happy then I need to revisit my situation and decisions.

So, like RA said, there is more than just sex to consider when making a decision that will effect not just myself and my husband...

 

[RiverKnight]

I love this RA! It is such a thoughtful and perfect answer for so many in this situation...the "you should leave because you deserve to be happy" answer isn't feasible for most.

I've told my story more than a few times, I've been married for 25 years to someone who still makes me laugh, who is a great father to our children, who is a great provider for our family...just because I can't get laid as often as or in the way that I want doesn't mean that I put all of that good aside. I am happy about 50% of the time right now. If that changes to a point where I'm unhappy much more than happy then I need to revisit my situation and decisions.

So, like RA said, there is more than just sex to consider when making a decision that will effect not just myself and my husband...

Well said for most of us, but when the lack of the physical affects closeness and sharing.....when you start wanting them to just leave because whatever you shared is gone....it is time to move on

It happens because without the physical, the emotional breaks down

 

[submit4pleasure]

It's very confusing for me. I guess I'm the one that gave up on the sex. I opened up to her about my bisexual fantasies, and confided in her about some bisexual experiences I had in college, and she was worried. She would let me have my fantasies and really went along with it just to make me happy. But it was like she was tolerating that aspect of me, not celebrating it. It made me feel very isolated, and I withdrew. I wanted to get into daddy daughter fantasies with her. But she flatly rejected that. I just withdrew further into myself. What was really bad was when we did have sex it was always me on top in the missionary position. I would get tired. I asked her if she could be on top but she would say that her knees hurt. And 12 years of marriage I've only received a blowjob once. I'm left feeling that she thinks my cum is disgusting or tastes bad. Again causing me to further withdraw into myself. I wish I could have somebody to share all these parts myself with. The really hard thing is is that most everything else in our marriage is great. We're friendly like to hang out and watch Netflix on the couch. I'm so torn.

On a lighter note… Are there any girls out there that can dig my quirks? I'd love a PM. This is not just some lame guys attempt at getting women to send him messages. I genuinely want to connect with someone.

To all the ladies that have replied above, thank you so very much. If you all took the time to write caring replies. It means so much to me.

I can totally relate to what you said. My relationship is the female version. Together 15 years, I've had my pussy eaten six times. The last time was two years ago. I usually suck his dick 4-8 times a week. Sex is doggy or missionary, foreplay is me sucking his dick, no touching or kissing. It makes me feel very lonely. You are definitely not alone. PM if you'd like to talk.

 

[RiverKnight]

I can totally relate to what you said. My relationship is the female version. Together 15 years, I've had my pussy eaten six times. The last time was two years ago. I usually suck his dick 4-8 times a week. Sex is doggy or missionary, foreplay is me sucking his dick, no touching or kissing. It makes me feel very lonely. You are definitely not alone. PM if you'd like to talk.

Damn, you are really with the wrong guy. Foreplay is just as important, if not more so than just fucking. Foreplay. Brings us to arousal based on our feelings and can mean more then anything else...it is the bonding that lasts

 

[Nightstalker_82]

I like most of you are in the same boat. For years our sex life was very vanilla. We tried adding some toys and a little roleplaying to the mix. Nothing too adventurous. Then, the sex stopped. It has been so long now, I wouldn't even know how to initiate with her. It is very frustrating.

 

[masterslave00]

if sexual incompatibilities are the only issue, that is not, IMO, reason enough to ditch a partnership.

I ended my marriage for several reasons, sexual incompatibility being one of them. However, in my case, that withdrawal of intimacy was a product of other, deeper problems we could not overcome.

I would advise making sure that all other areas of your marriage are healthy first. Then examine the sex life. No need throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.

You may find out there are other underlying causes to your differing sexual appetites. Work on those first. When you're both 80, you aren't going to care if she likes certain types of sex or needs it twice a day. You're going to want the bond that developed for other reasons.

Sex is great, healing, bonding, but it's only one piece of the puzzle required to sustain a partnership such as marriage.

I hope this helps a little.
I know it's difficult.

I love this RA! It is such a thoughtful and perfect answer for so many in this situation...the "you should leave because you deserve to be happy" answer isn't feasible for most.

I've told my story more than a few times, I've been married for 25 years to someone who still makes me laugh, who is a great father to our children, who is a great provider for our family...just because I can't get laid as often as or in the way that I want doesn't mean that I put all of that good aside. I am happy about 50% of the time right now. If that changes to a point where I'm unhappy much more than happy then I need to revisit my situation and decisions.

So, like RA said, there is more than just sex to consider when making a decision that will effect not just myself and my husband...

Agree... When we started, sex was regular and frequent. Mostly vanilla, but frequent enough not to complain. Gradually, the frequency started not to agree with my "needs"... At the moment it is something 1:10...

BUT, sex is not the only thing that makes happy marriage. And to be honest to her - if it happens, it is not about quantity, it is about quality...

I would never ever leave her. She is more than perfect in al the other aspects! So I play on Lit and few other boards... Sadly without her knowledge, so I feel like cheating on her. But she would not understand... Then again, other then sex, she is perfect and everything to me...

 

[policywank]

If the husband is NOT performing his 'duties.' Yes. But I think you're right; it's just not spoken of as often. I've known some really cruel women, though. I take responsibility for my part in the degeneration of my relationship, because it doesn't seem to matter what I'm feeling, I cannot bring myself to hurt his feelings. SEems counterproductive. But my method's gotten me nowhere either!

Still. I can't put him down.

Sometimes I think that partner just doesn't leave any available options.

There is no doubt in my mind that men prefer to have things laid out very explicitly. They are a bit more used to harshness and don't put as high of a premium on being gentle and polite. So whatever the price in terms of harshness is worth the extra clarity. This isn't necessarily my way but I can see the merits.

BUT for some men sex is the weak spot where they just aren't prepared to hear it. And because of that they engage in sufficient self-delusion that any kind of subtlety or tact just doesn't work. You can try to put a positive spin on it - I want you to fuck me more or do more of this or that because you are so awesome - but beyond that it can be very tough.

So what is your method anyway?

 

[policywank]

If the husband is NOT performing his 'duties.' Yes. But I think you're right; it's just not spoken of as often. I've known some really cruel women, though. I take responsibility for my part in the degeneration of my relationship, because it doesn't seem to matter what I'm feeling, I cannot bring myself to hurt his feelings. SEems counterproductive. But my method's gotten me nowhere either!

Still. I can't put him down.

Yes there should have been a NOT in that first sentence of the post you responded to. I have certainly known some cruel women as well. At our worst we can do things to a man that are emotionally abusive on a level that is more painful even than physical abuse.

When either spouse closes down the lines of communication the other can feel trapped and helpless which also adds to cruel behaviour. More than once I have seen one partner or the other say or do something cruel and seen it in a very negative way......then completely changed my view on who was the bad guy/gal based upon the full set of facts.

 

[FelicityJohns]

......

 

[boredhusband]

Not sure what to do anymore!,...

It's good to hear that others,...both men and women, are in the same boat. It's been this way for many years, and I'm about at me end. I've stayed basically because I come from a broken family, and don't want the same for my sons.
I love her deeply,... Think she is still a beautiful ,sexy woman whom I lust after. But, I've grown tied of the rejection and excuses to not have any,...(even kisses and hugs) contact whatsoever.
It's literally 1-2x a year. Be had some affairs here and there. we both travel a lot, and I even sometimes fantasize about her being with others (men and women). But she says I'm crazy and doesn't have the same priorities as mine. Is it wrong to want a physical relationship with my wife????? We have normal life problems like any other family,...(work stress, kids, money,..) but I thought that the physical helps the emotional?
I'm at a loss.

http://forum.literotica.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=1385798&d=1391104160

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Very true.

My method is to use humor, to make requests (and I used to, often) in very plain but playful language... for instance, on Christmas day, we don't celebrate. But I said to him "It would be kind of nice to have something to unwrap." He agreed with a smile. So I said with a twinkle, "You could unwrap me." And I got the gentle laugh and 'You're incorrigable' response. No unwrapping! lol And I am usually more explicit than that even.

I use humor to give myself an out. His rejection is not so painful that way.

The other side of my method is to downplay his 'disinterest' and ED. For 12 years, I've held fast that is 'no big deal' even as the 'deal' has become whopping. I don't want to make him feel badly for something he can't help. But it also makes me angry that he has taken no measures to rectify the situation. How many times I've very gently told him that a cock is not crucial to a woman's sexual satisfaction. But he doesn't want to hear me, or face it.

So here I am. I'll allow him to keep his head in the sand, and he allows me the freedom to do whatever I like.

I'm glad he gives you that freedom, I don't have it at all. I've mentioned several times that I could tell him I want to have an affair and that there would be nothing he could do about it, as he's not willing to do it. He just agrees and goes apathetically back to whatever he's doing.

But I can't do it. I have a strong sense of - what? Fairness? Loyalty? Sense of honoring my marriage vows? There's something in me that just can't do it.

Besides, I can't imagine saying "Hey babe, I'm going out to fuck someone tonight, dinner's in the oven, see you later."

It's better just to move on, be able to be free and whatever that entails. I don't know that he'll agree, but I'm tired of being his meal ticket.

Here's to all of us that crave a lover's touch this morning.

 

[FelicityJohns]

......

 

[rik_steele]

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[SimpleGifts]

There used to be a huge thread on this subject. It was a hookup for married people or something but it turned into more of a place where people could talk about issues. I haven't seen it around, maybe someone else can post it if they find it, but you might try this one in the mean time.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=854289&page=6

One of the best threads on this, that focused on discussing the issue and not finding an affair partner, was the old Happily Married, Sexually Unfulfilled thread. It got shut down for exceeding the 5K message limit:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=397302

I've been hoping to revive that, and this seems like a good opportunity. We really had many great posts about what it means when other aspects of a marriage seem to be working fine (partnership, parenting, sharing household chores, etc.) but the sex is a big disappointment for one or both parties. (Keep in mind, some spouses are also very upset if their partners are asking for sex TOO often.)

My personal perspective is that dissatisfaction in sex is because one or both parties doesn't really want to have a heart-to-heart talk about what they need in the bedroom--or one will talk about it and the other will then ignore it. That speaks to a lack of intimacy. If you try to talk about something sensitive, that puts you in a vulnerable position...and if you get ignored or slapped down over it, you get hurt. Have that happen enough times, you become very reluctant to "go there" again, and you close up--which is exactly what should NOT be happening in a marriage.

I'm not in the camp that would argue that in all situations, if you're unhappy you should pack up and leave. If there's a chance of working things out, isn't there value in teaching your children that their parents can have a conflict and then resolve it? Is sex SO important that it's worth disrupting the lives of others who aren't directly involved in the relationship? The answer is going to be different for different people.

This loss of intimacy, though, is a bigger issue than sex. Regaining that intimacy once it's lost is very difficult, and may be impossible (and I do have experience in this area). I think that counseling helps, if both parties are open to what the counselor brings to the table. The big danger is that the sexual dissatisfaction will linger and fester and lead to a lack of intimacy and openness in other areas of the relationship, and then things WILL fall apart, most likely in slow motion, leading to more years of frustration and disappointment. That's the greater danger to keep aware of.

And yes, people could easily attack me for not necessarily practicing what I preach. I'm a work in progress like everyone else.

SG

 

[FelicityJohns]

One of the best threads on this, that focused on discussing the issue and not finding an affair partner, was the old Happily Married, Sexually Unfulfilled thread. It got shut down for exceeding the 5K message limit:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=397302

I've been hoping to revive that, and this seems like a good opportunity. We really had many great posts about what it means when other aspects of a marriage seem to be working fine (partnership, parenting, sharing household chores, etc.) but the sex is a big disappointment for one or both parties. (Keep in mind, some spouses are also very upset if their partners are asking for sex TOO often.)

My personal perspective is that dissatisfaction in sex is because one or both parties doesn't really want to have a heart-to-heart talk about what they need in the bedroom--or one will talk about it and the other will then ignore it. That speaks to a lack of intimacy. If you try to talk about something sensitive, that puts you in a vulnerable position...and if you get ignored or slapped down over it, you get hurt. Have that happen enough times, you become very reluctant to "go there" again, and you close up--which is exactly what should NOT be happening in a marriage.

I'm not in the camp that would argue that in all situations, if you're unhappy you should pack up and leave. If there's a chance of working things out, isn't there value in teaching your children that their parents can have a conflict and then resolve it? Is sex SO important that it's worth disrupting the lives of others who aren't directly involved in the relationship? The answer is going to be different for different people.

This loss of intimacy, though, is a bigger issue than sex. Regaining that intimacy once it's lost is very difficult, and may be impossible (and I do have experience in this area). I think that counseling helps, if both parties are open to what the counselor brings to the table. The big danger is that the sexual dissatisfaction will linger and fester and lead to a lack of intimacy and openness in other areas of the relationship, and then things WILL fall apart, most likely in slow motion, leading to more years of frustration and disappointment. That's the greater danger to keep aware of.

And yes, people could easily attack me for not necessarily practicing what I preach. I'm a work in progress like everyone else.

SG

Amen on this. All of it.

 

[submit4pleasure]

It can be hard when your partner is really upset by the things that turn you on. I had told him I was bi when we got together. He acted cool about it, but it bothered him a lot. Now, it's impossible for me to have friends, chicks or guys, because he's sure I'm fucking them.

Wanting a connection with someone who totally accepts you does not make you a scumbag. It just makes you human. It's really hard to feel happy with yourself when you have to hide who you really are. I'm not sure that I can give you any helpful advice about this, since I cope by reading stories about the sex I wish I was having and masturbating a lot.