Question for Doms

hinatu6666

Virgin
Joined
Feb 21, 2015
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17
I've been told I'm a natural submissive, I've accepted that, it's part of me. I also know that I'm an extremely needy, clingy sub and I try not to get too bad but especially when I'm in a depression episode it gets pretty bad. So my question is, why, after telling your submissive that you love how needy they are, after knowing that she is spiraling emotionally and needs you now more than ever....would you abandon her?
 
I've been told I'm a natural submissive, I've accepted that, it's part of me. I also know that I'm an extremely needy, clingy sub and I try not to get too bad but especially when I'm in a depression episode it gets pretty bad. So my question is, why, after telling your submissive that you love how needy they are, after knowing that she is spiraling emotionally and needs you now more than ever....would you abandon her?

I've personally found that the majority of Doms out there aren't really doms, but simply horny guys who fake it. More or less, they are posers. They pretend to know what they are doing, and certainly do their homework on the countless dom guides and blogs out there.

When someone like you comes along, someone that doesn't follow the misunderstood guidelines of what a sub is to these poser doms who have no real experience or understanding, they hit a brick wall and don't know what to do, so they bail, in search of someone 'easier'. The problem they will eventually realize is that no submissive fits neatly into a pre-prescribed box where all the answers and do's and dont's are in black and white.

They also completely fail to realize that real feelings and emotions are involved on the submissive's side, and what we have in the end is you- a hurt sub, feeling that your heart has been stomped on.

First, this Dom, whoever he or she is, isn't worth your attentions or subservience. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you are a punching bag, emotionally or otherwise. You have to take control and ownership of your submission, and no matter how much you want to serve your master, you need to always remain objective that your master is serving you.

BDSM was always a two-way street, and in many ways the bottom is the top, in that the top exists to tend to your needs and ration your wants. It sounds like this person wanted the benefits of the top without the responsibilities or nurturing that is also required... which to me obviously equals 'poser asshole'.

You very clearly can do better. Try as best you can to get over the jerk and tread cautiously going forward.
 
I've personally found that the majority of Doms out there aren't really doms, but simply horny guys who fake it. More or less, they are posers. They pretend to know what they are doing, and certainly do their homework on the countless dom guides and blogs out there.

When someone like you comes along, someone that doesn't follow the misunderstood guidelines of what a sub is to these poser doms who have no real experience or understanding, they hit a brick wall and don't know what to do, so they bail, in search of someone 'easier'. The problem they will eventually realize is that no submissive fits neatly into a pre-prescribed box where all the answers and do's and dont's are in black and white.

They also completely fail to realize that real feelings and emotions are involved on the submissive's side, and what we have in the end is you- a hurt sub, feeling that your heart has been stomped on.

First, this Dom, whoever he or she is, isn't worth your attentions or subservience. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you are a punching bag, emotionally or otherwise. You have to take control and ownership of your submission, and no matter how much you want to serve your master, you need to always remain objective that your master is serving you.

BDSM was always a two-way street, and in many ways the bottom is the top, in that the top exists to tend to your needs and ration your wants. It sounds like this person wanted the benefits of the top without the responsibilities or nurturing that is also required... which to me obviously equals 'poser asshole'.

You very clearly can do better. Try as best you can to get over the jerk and tread cautiously going forward.

I can’t add to this. Well said.
Good luck, OP. You shouldn’t be abandoned at your lowest points.
 
I've personally found that the majority of Doms out there aren't really doms, but simply horny guys who fake it. More or less, they are posers. They pretend to know what they are doing, and certainly do their homework on the countless dom guides and blogs out there.

When someone like you comes along, someone that doesn't follow the misunderstood guidelines of what a sub is to these poser doms who have no real experience or understanding, they hit a brick wall and don't know what to do, so they bail, in search of someone 'easier'. The problem they will eventually realize is that no submissive fits neatly into a pre-prescribed box where all the answers and do's and dont's are in black and white.

They also completely fail to realize that real feelings and emotions are involved on the submissive's side, and what we have in the end is you- a hurt sub, feeling that your heart has been stomped on.

First, this Dom, whoever he or she is, isn't worth your attentions or subservience. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you are a punching bag, emotionally or otherwise. You have to take control and ownership of your submission, and no matter how much you want to serve your master, you need to always remain objective that your master is serving you.

BDSM was always a two-way street, and in many ways the bottom is the top, in that the top exists to tend to your needs and ration your wants. It sounds like this person wanted the benefits of the top without the responsibilities or nurturing that is also required... which to me obviously equals 'poser asshole'.

You very clearly can do better. Try as best you can to get over the jerk and tread cautiously going forward.

He isn't a noob to the lifestyle, he's been in it for longer than I have and for the most part he does know how to be a good Daddy. He calmed me when I was upset, gave me aftercare, showed me love....it's just been lately, when I've gotten extra clingy and needy because of some things going on in my life that he's backed down. I know he's busy and has things on his end as well but it gets hard to stay calm when my mind/emotions are spiraling and all I want is my Daddy. I have spoken with another needy sub who gave me a few suggestions and stuff but...IDK just wish I could make him see what's going on
 
He isn't a noob to the lifestyle, he's been in it for longer than I have and for the most part he does know how to be a good Daddy. He calmed me when I was upset, gave me aftercare, showed me love....it's just been lately, when I've gotten extra clingy and needy because of some things going on in my life that he's backed down. I know he's busy and has things on his end as well but it gets hard to stay calm when my mind/emotions are spiraling and all I want is my Daddy. I have spoken with another needy sub who gave me a few suggestions and stuff but...IDK just wish I could make him see what's going on

If he knows what he is doing and still being distant, it comes down to the possibility that he is stepping away from the part of the relationship that you need. He may come back to those parts when he needs them fulfilled, it's an easy ask if you have broached this with him?

The suggestions you have been given from the other people you've asked, have they helped calm your generalised anxieties?

Being a good dom is not just about what to do when you're wearing your pleather assless chaps, it's being able to treat someone else with dignity and respect. My two-pence worth.
 
It sounds like you are feeling somewhat abandoned by your dom at the moment. That certainly mustn’t feel good.

Now I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, as I don’t mean to hurt or upset you. I’m wondering, from what you’ve said, about whether or not you’ve had an open and honest conversation with your dom about what you feel your needs are, and his level of ability to provide you with that. I hope you have as no one, not even doms are mind readers. While your needs might be very clear and obvious to you expecting someone else to intuitively know what you’re needing simply isn’t reasonable.

Also - and I say this as someone that has had a mental illness for 16 years - when feeling low really it’s tempting to pass on the responsibility of regulating our emotional state to someone else. Unfortunately, if that happens it’s not healthy for either party. I have seen previously mentally well people become mentally unwell through “supporting” their mentally unwell loved ones. Accepting the responsibility for supporting someone is a big ask of anyone - no one should be expected to do it simply because they have a relationship with someone.

I’m not saying this is what you are attempting to do with your dom but perhaps a frank conversation about the level of practical support you are needing would help both of you i.e. when I get teary it would help if you hold me tight. Sometimes there are a times when support just isn’t possible (like when you’re support person is working, or looking after their own needs) and perhaps you also need a plan for those times...

Feeling bad day in and out is bloody hard and it takes a toll - please remember to be kind to yourself. I hope you (and your dom if he agrees to) can work out some strategies to help you get through this.
 
I've personally found that the majority of Doms out there aren't really doms, but simply horny guys who fake it. More or less, they are posers. They pretend to know what they are doing, and certainly do their homework on the countless dom guides and blogs out there.

When someone like you comes along, someone that doesn't follow the misunderstood guidelines of what a sub is to these poser doms who have no real experience or understanding, they hit a brick wall and don't know what to do, so they bail, in search of someone 'easier'. The problem they will eventually realize is that no submissive fits neatly into a pre-prescribed box where all the answers and do's and dont's are in black and white.

They also completely fail to realize that real feelings and emotions are involved on the submissive's side, and what we have in the end is you- a hurt sub, feeling that your heart has been stomped on.

First, this Dom, whoever he or she is, isn't worth your attentions or subservience. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you are a punching bag, emotionally or otherwise. You have to take control and ownership of your submission, and no matter how much you want to serve your master, you need to always remain objective that your master is serving you.

BDSM was always a two-way street, and in many ways the bottom is the top, in that the top exists to tend to your needs and ration your wants. It sounds like this person wanted the benefits of the top without the responsibilities or nurturing that is also required... which to me obviously equals 'poser asshole'.

You very clearly can do better. Try as best you can to get over the jerk and tread cautiously going forward.
very true and very good advice
 
I've been told I'm a natural submissive, I've accepted that, it's part of me. I also know that I'm an extremely needy, clingy sub and I try not to get too bad but especially when I'm in a depression episode it gets pretty bad. So my question is, why, after telling your submissive that you love how needy they are, after knowing that she is spiraling emotionally and needs you now more than ever....would you abandon her?

I could have written this question... and at one point I did.
All I can offer is hugs and more hugs... and I could use some too. Nods.

I think in my life it has been when either pride and refusal to acknowledge that he did a wrong thing by walking out on me got in the way of him coming back...

or...

When his life was also having a lot of turmoil and at the end of the day I ended up being a stressor instead of a stress reliever. >.> Whatever the case may be... it still hurts, and I know that.

I'd like to think that they are good people and truly believe their decision is right, for whatever reason. That it wasnt really intended to feel like abandoning someone at their weakest hour... but I dunno your PYLs life situation.

Again, hugs.
 
A real Dom is a father figure confidante and Best Friend..you will never be emotionally abandoned by a true Dom...Facts...there are posers but real Dom's and Subs are Born ..it's embedded in who we are..I'm a young black man and I have been who I am for as long as I remember
 
I'm reluctant to use the term "true dom" so I'll just say a real dom knows his/her job from the beginning and won't leave without saying why or talking it over.

This dom might be a poser, and there are more than a few out there. It doesn't matter how long he's been doing this as posers learn from interaction with submissives and can end up seeming like a real dom when they are nothing more than someone who's looking to get his jollies.

If you enjoy his company, that's fine. But, for now, it seems he's not around. You then must decide if you want to look for another dom, or if you want to wait for him to come back. To me, the lack of communication is a red flag.

Sure, we all want and need sexual satisfaction but that's part of our enjoyment. If you are emotionally unstable, that quickly overpowers any sexual fun. Needing someone and not being able to cope when they aren't there, can be seen as clingy. To some people, it's not a bad thing, but for some, it can be an unwanted aspect of a relationship.

You need to think about yourself. Work on your own mental wellness. Be self sufficient, if you can. It only makes you stronger. You can submit much easier, if you know you are doing it because you enjoy it emotionally, and not because you need it, emotionally.

Then, if and when he comes back, you will have the emotional power to let him stay or kick him to the curb. If nothing else, you will be able to fill him in on how it made you feel when he left without saying anything and set him straight on how you feel about his sticking around.

Ground rules can then be established where he knows his position and how he's to act in the relationship. If he's a real dom, he will know he fucked up and will also understand that everything you are saying is the truth. He also might want to stick around and show you that he is truly real.

If he's a poser, you might find out just how wimpy he really is. He might just flip out and run away again, because he knows you're calling him out for his fuck up.

Either way, you will then be the emotional top explaining the rules to him. It will be up to him to stick around or cower off into the darkness. Either way, you will find out just how strong of a person he really is. And if you have become that stronger emotional person, as I suggest, you will not only have your mental self secured, you will be able to carry on with him in a much stronger relationship, or have the emotional savvy to look for someone worthy of your time.
 
A real Dom is a father figure confidante and Best Friend..you will never be emotionally abandoned by a true Dom...Facts...there are posers but real Dom's and Subs are Born ..it's embedded in who we are..I'm a young black man and I have been who I am for as long as I remember

And, yet, they're only human.
 
And, yet, they're only human.
Don't give possible posers a pass. Sure, real doms are only human, but they have a conscience. They know part of their role in this is to communicate. If they no longer feel able to continue the relationship, they are more likely to talk out what the issues are.

Posers don't give a fuck about any of that. Once their fun is over, or the going gets to be too much, they're gone.

Real dom...fake dom. It's just that simple.
 
Don't give possible posers a pass. Sure, real doms are only human, but they have a conscience. They know part of their role in this is to communicate. If they no longer feel able to continue the relationship, they are more likely to talk out what the issues are.

Posers don't give a fuck about any of that. Once their fun is over, or the going gets to be too much, they're gone.

Real dom...fake dom. It's just that simple.

I get that, but I also understand that even "real Doms" aren't perfect. Too many times we place them on a pedestal and never expect them to fall. They BETTER not fail us in any way, because we need them.

I dislike that attitude. Doms need us, too. In this relationship there's room for compassion and forgiveness, or there ought to be, as long as people are communicating.
 
I get that, but I also understand that even "real Doms" aren't perfect. Too many times we place them on a pedestal and never expect them to fall. They BETTER not fail us in any way, because we need them.

I dislike that attitude. Doms need us, too. In this relationship there's room for compassion and forgiveness, or there ought to be, as long as people are communicating.
Oh, I totally understand what you're saying. But doms are fully aware of their responsibilities. You have to understand...they are affected by fake doms nearly as much as submissives looking for a good dom are.

I've been a dom all of my adult life, yet, if I don't have adequate credentials with proof of this, I'm just another fake dom. Recently, it's been quite a pain for me to be able to provide any proof of my honesty and it sucks. I can say anything I want, but without proof that verifies my words, words alone mean nothing.

And I totally understand that, because I've met with fake doms and even helped some submissives out, when they were seeking a dom. The issue is, I'm pretty much a loner, when it comes to joining groups. I was a member of one group years back, but it disbanded and all members went their own ways, leaving me a loner again.

For the most part, I don't mind that, but when seeking someone to play with, there is no "VERIFIED GOOD AND HONEST DOM" card to show. I'm willing to let the woman check me out any way she wants, but with out connections to a group, I look a little shady. And because nobody gives their real name, that's even more difficult.

I'm DVS on many web sites but that's difficult to keep up with too. If I don't keep the email address I signed up to those web sites, I can't get back on the site, because without that email address, I've lost my connection to them. I can't ask them to send me a reset for my password.

I don't assume all real doms are gods or perfect, by any means. But, I also know just how shady the fake ones are, because of how difficult it is to prove you aren't one of them.
 
Oh, I totally understand what you're saying. But doms are fully aware of their responsibilities. You have to understand...they are affected by fake doms nearly as much as submissives looking for a good dom are.

I've been a dom all of my adult life, yet, if I don't have adequate credentials with proof of this, I'm just another fake dom. Recently, it's been quite a pain for me to be able to provide any proof of my honesty and it sucks. I can say anything I want, but without proof that verifies my words, words alone mean nothing.

And I totally understand that, because I've met with fake doms and even helped some submissives out, when they were seeking a dom. The issue is, I'm pretty much a loner, when it comes to joining groups. I was a member of one group years back, but it disbanded and all members went their own ways, leaving me a loner again.

For the most part, I don't mind that, but when seeking someone to play with, there is no "VERIFIED GOOD AND HONEST DOM" card to show. I'm willing to let the woman check me out any way she wants, but with out connections to a group, I look a little shady. And because nobody gives their real name, that's even more difficult.

I'm DVS on many web sites but that's difficult to keep up with too. If I don't keep the email address I signed up to those web sites, I can't get back on the site, because without that email address, I've lost my connection to them. I can't ask them to send me a reset for my password.

I don't assume all real doms are gods or perfect, by any means. But, I also know just how shady the fake ones are, because of how difficult it is to prove you aren't one of them.

This was an interesting post. It also got me thinking that maybe what we often call being a fake dom is just a dom that's simply not a very nice person. Not all people are nice, still doesn't mean they can't be dominant, or submissive for that matter.

Or maybe they're just lazy that one crucial day. I know I can be lazy sometimes, and sometimes it has consequences and might make people think something of me that in a grand scheme of things is not true. Does that make me a fake sub? Or a fake nice person?

How someone can prove they're not a "fake dom" to me:

-be interested in me as a person, not just as a list of kinks and measurements (although now that I wrote that out, being just a list of kinks and measurements would be pretty hot actually but would require catching me in the right mood I guess)
-let me get to know you as a person, not as a domly persona. That means you have interests and responsibilities beyond bdsm, but also that you have weaknesses, bad days and you fuck up, I'm perfectly fine with it
-understand that building trust takes time and it starts from small things, and that these things go both ways

I don't think that's very difficult or asking for a lot at all. But then again, I've come to realize I'm pretty goddamn low-maintenance and almost easy to a fault. Maybe other women require other things.

I've never asked for any kind of kinky credentials myself. I've always thought of it as an online fantasy phenomenon, but maybe it isn't. This may be because I'm kind of a loner myself, too, but I've never found it necessary for anyone to be a part of a kink community to have the potential to be a good dom or sub or just a fun person to be around.
 
This was an interesting post. It also got me thinking that maybe what we often call being a fake dom is just a dom that's simply not a very nice person. Not all people are nice, still doesn't mean they can't be dominant, or submissive for that matter.

Or maybe they're just lazy that one crucial day. I know I can be lazy sometimes, and sometimes it has consequences and might make people think something of me that in a grand scheme of things is not true. Does that make me a fake sub? Or a fake nice person?

How someone can prove they're not a "fake dom" to me:

-be interested in me as a person, not just as a list of kinks and measurements (although now that I wrote that out, being just a list of kinks and measurements would be pretty hot actually but would require catching me in the right mood I guess)
-let me get to know you as a person, not as a domly persona. That means you have interests and responsibilities beyond bdsm, but also that you have weaknesses, bad days and you fuck up, I'm perfectly fine with it
-understand that building trust takes time and it starts from small things, and that these things go both ways

I don't think that's very difficult or asking for a lot at all. But then again, I've come to realize I'm pretty goddamn low-maintenance and almost easy to a fault. Maybe other women require other things.

I've never asked for any kind of kinky credentials myself. I've always thought of it as an online fantasy phenomenon, but maybe it isn't. This may be because I'm kind of a loner myself, too, but I've never found it necessary for anyone to be a part of a kink community to have the potential to be a good dom or sub or just a fun person to be around.
you remind me of the last submissive I played with, but that's more years ago than I like to remember. She answered a listing I had out and we talked via email a few times, then I met her at a restaurant once and that's all she needed to let me take her to my house and tie her up and have my kinky electrical way with her.

I always thought she was very brave, because she really didn't know me from anybody, but was willing to let me have my fun. Electro play isn't that safe, depending on who is running the juice, but I know what I'm doing. The thing is, she didn't know that, at the time.

Also, bondage and anal sex were two things I demanded, if we were to get together. She OK'd everything quite easily. Of course, I was honest and told the truth, so maybe she could tell. I don't know if I could trust someone, if the situation was reversed. I guess some submissives have a special way of telling if someone is being honest?

The trouble with that these days is I can never get past the email part of negotiations. So, I still seem like a faker. I just wish someone would meet me in a restaurant and see how my eyes shine with that honest sparkle or what ever it is. Maybe I'm just meeting fake subs and that's why they never take that next step.
 
Ill help out here. In 2013 I found a site called Fetlife. I was looking at dating sights and this one sight had a short review of it.

There was about 40 reviews on it and it was basically considered a place to get free pussy. All you had to do was have a dog collar and leash, a riding crop, call yourself a dominant, and you could get all the pussy you wanted.

Turns out that's what most of the so called dominants of both genders are in the end. You have the toys, you get the pussy.
 
Ill help out here. In 2013 I found a site called Fetlife. I was looking at dating sights and this one sight had a short review of it.

There was about 40 reviews on it and it was basically considered a place to get free pussy. All you had to do was have a dog collar and leash, a riding crop, call yourself a dominant, and you could get all the pussy you wanted.

Turns out that's what most of the so called dominants of both genders are in the end. You have the toys, you get the pussy.

You're really making the rounds and have a thing against Fetlife, don't you.
 
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