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Question about Sub vs. Bottom.

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YoungToy

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Dec 6, 2013
Posts
463
Ive read up on it, and Im still having trouble figuring you where I would fall into the whole spectrum. I enjoy acts that generally speaking, a sub would like, such as facesitting, bondage, spanking, humiliation, etc. During sex, I enjoy giving up power for the most part. I like being told what to do, called names, etc.

However, outside of sex and playtime, I dont really like being told what to do. In everyday life, I hate the feeling of someone commanding me or being in charge of me, but in the bedroom I enjoy it so much when a woman has control.

Where would this fall in the spectrum? Ive heard of a couple of different things, from a power bottom to a bedroom bottom, and Id just like to get a better insight of outside opinions :) thanks a lot!
 
Look down a few threads for Stella Omega, She has an essay in her signature line that helps explain it. I'm sure one of the more experienced posters will be around to help you out far better than I.
 
I copied the link for you. :)

Labels can help us to explain to others what we ID as, but they become more complicated over time. I had a discussion with my husband about this and he described labels as being tree trunks. Eventually new branches would grow. :) I like the simplicity of that.
 
Honestly, don't worry tooooo much about labels. So long as you know what you like :]
 
It sounds like you're associating actions with submission.

Think of it this way...

My children know I am the boss. What I say goes. Period. End of story.
My clients trust me to control their experience, and use my expertise to NOT defer to their every whim.
My lover (when I have one), expect me to carry my weight, own my shit, and function in an adult world.

Do any of those facts make me more, or less, of a submissive person (in a relationship)?
 
Carrying on with this topic. Does anyone have any thoughts on how (or if at all) being a bottom ties in with brattiness in a submissive relationship?
 
Something to keep in mind....

Labels help a little in our search for a partner. But no one label will fit exactly who we are. You can be whoever you want and want what ever you want in a partner. But you have to be realistic, too.

For example if I decide that I will label myself as a pillow princess and my kink is that a partner will clean my house, shop for and prepare my food, and be wealthy enough to support me and he is allowed to sleep in my bed but only watch me masturbate myself and I will never touch him...well, yeah I can want what I want.
But what are my chances of finding a guy who will fill that role?

A BDSM relationship is a relationship, a partnership of give and take. Sometimes it takes a little while to find the person who fits what you want with what they are willing to give. And what you are willing to give to what they want.

My point being as you are thinking of what to label yourself think also of who you want your partner to be A Top, a Domme, a submissive willing to top you in the bedroom, or someone who shares your vanilla interests who may get off telling you what to do in the bedroom?
 
ecstaticsub said:
Something to keep in mind....

Labels help a little in our search for a partner. But no one label will fit exactly who we are. You can be whoever you want and want what ever you want in a partner. But you have to be realistic, too.

For example if I decide that I will label myself as a pillow princess and my kink is that a partner will clean my house, shop for and prepare my food, and be wealthy enough to support me and he is allowed to sleep in my bed but only watch me masturbate myself and I will never touch him...well, yeah I can want what I want.
But what are my chances of finding a guy who will fill that role?
Click to expand...

Prepare to be amazed.
 
Netzach said:
Prepare to be amazed.
Click to expand...

Haha...you may be correct. However, how about if the pronouns were changed in my scenario? Would a pillow prince (a guy) be able to find a woman to fill in the opposing role? Without paying for it?
 
bunny_girl_94 said:
Carrying on with this topic. Does anyone have any thoughts on how (or if at all) being a bottom ties in with brattiness in a submissive relationship?
Click to expand...

Uh oh, not the B word!

Make sure those are the labels that you expressly mean to use when talking about brattiness 'round these parts. It gets panties in a bunch real quick.
 
KoPilot said:
Uh oh, not the B word!

Make sure those are the labels that you expressly mean to use when talking about brattiness 'round these parts. It gets panties in a bunch real quick.
Click to expand...

I guess that's part of the problem. It seems everybody has a differed definition and opinion of brattiness. It all gets kinda confusing for a newbie like me...
 
I think everyone has a different definition of brattiness, that doesn't help... I am a total sucker for femme-babies who tell daddy to do them right, and brandish their inch-long, blue-painted nails for emphasis.
 
Ahh this is all still so confusing. Labels make everything so damn confusing.
 
YoungToy said:
Ahh this is all still so confusing. Labels make everything so damn confusing.
Click to expand...
Language sucks, indeed it does.
Still, it's about all we've got...

You might be able to say that you're docile when you bottom. (this is a sudden insight on my part, because I am-- at least with tops that I trust more than a little)
 
Labels are good for scientific study, for classifying behaviors in the DSM, or when you're writing a book....not sure how useful they are when it's you trying to live life. Maybe when you're trying to explain things to others, but then again, it really would be dependent upon them having the same understanding.

So, you enjoy being submissive in the bedroom (and perhaps generally at home as well?) and don't want that at work (where sexual feelings don't fit all that well anyways). I think you're probably like many submissives.
 
In my local community, a bottom is considered to be the person who receives the action, whatever that may be. It could be a mindfuck, a whipping, a spanking, or a kiss. The top is the person who gives the action. The bottom may or may not be submissive, and the top may or may not be dominant. There are submissive tops and dominant bottoms, sometimes. (Admittedly not often.)

Submission has more to do with an exchange of power, in these parts. If you willingly give up your power in some fashion, you are submissive, at least in that moment. You might only do it at a play party, in your bedroom, or you might do it in a full-time 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) relationship. It can change from day to day or partner to partner.

So, if you are bottoming (receiving some type of input) but you are ordering the other person to do what they are doing, are you a Top or a bottom? A Dominant? Everyone has their own ideas and definitions, but generally speaking, if it's situational only, you may consider yourself a top or bottom. If you tend to do it in a more extended form, you may consider yourself to be a submissive or a dominant. Even if it's "just" a bedroom dom or a play partner submissive or whatever.
 
From what it sounds like here, a bedroom submissive, a bottom, and a dominant otherwise? These are too confusing :p

Thank you everyone who has posted in this thread and helped me. Its much appreciated.
 
I would strongly advise against calling yourself "a dominant at work" if you use "dominant" in a sexual or relationship sense. Your work is not your sex life, nor is it your love life.

I like "bedroom submissive." Of course you'll meet douchnuggets who try to sneer at you for using that designation. Laugh at them, because they are only advertising their own insecurities.
 
I am a Top in impact play, a bottom in rope play, I am an owned submissive, but I only submit to him. I will, on occasion, service Top him as well.

I am not a Domme, I have no interest at all in controlling another person, but that does not stop me from being a sadist, and wanting to hurt people (who want to be hurt)

Make sense? :D
 
Sweetdaisymae said:
I am a Top in impact play, a bottom in rope play, I am an owned submissive, but I only submit to him. I will, on occasion, service Top him as well.

I am not a Domme, I have no interest at all in controlling another person, but that does not stop me from being a sadist, and wanting to hurt people (who want to be hurt)

Make sense? :D
Click to expand...

It does to me. :D
 
Sweetdaisymae said:
I am a Top in impact play, a bottom in rope play, I am an owned submissive, but I only submit to him. I will, on occasion, service Top him as well.

I am not a Domme, I have no interest at all in controlling another person, but that does not stop me from being a sadist, and wanting to hurt people (who want to be hurt)

Make sense? :D
Click to expand...

For the most part, yeah. But like I learned in Math, one example doesnt help show why something is true or not :p

Thank you though, it does help a little. So have virtually all of these posts.

Stella_Omega said:
I would strongly advise against calling yourself "a dominant at work" if you use "dominant" in a sexual or relationship sense. Your work is not your sex life, nor is it your love life.

I like "bedroom submissive." Of course you'll meet douchnuggets who try to sneer at you for using that designation. Laugh at them, because they are only advertising their own insecurities.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the warning! I'll be sure to not get everything twisted up.
 
Take back the idea of submissive. It doesn't mean you're a shrinking violet throughout life, it doesn't mean you want everyone telling you what to do, it may not even mean you like ANYone telling you what to do outside of your sexuality.

As for switching - it's not a don't it's a do that defines it.

Do you ever like telling the other person what to do sexually? Do you ever get off on that?

If not, you're not a switch. You're just submissive and yet not a generalized passive type.
 
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