Your thoughts on my first story.

My first story to be posted here can be found here, https://www.literotica.com/s/my-nine-monsters-ch-01.

I appreciate the community's thoughts on it.

(I know it's fairly short)

Thanks, everyone!

This is in very good shape. Your biggest problem is not knowing how to integrate dialogue into a larger paragraph.

"Good Morning, Chloe." Thomas says a little too loudly for this library,

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This period is incorrect. The only time dialogue should end with a period is when it ends the paragraph. If there's going to be more, you use a comma to link to the remaining prose, or a question mark or exclamation mark.

"What would such a pretty lass as you want such a dark tale for?"

Thomas asks me, in a drippingly patronizing tone.

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You should also never use carriage returns if you're going to follow it with a dialogue attribution rider ("he said" "she asked" "I squeaked").

Your comma use is also a little lacking. The whole story seems breathless because of the lack of pauses, whether or not that tone is appropriate for the events taking place.

These are nitpicky concerns, I admit. Take it as a compliment. It means you're that good. =)

I'm new here also, so take any feedback from me with a grain of "who the heck does this person think he is?"

Very well written, great story for people into monsters and vampires and werewolves (MWV) and so forth. I lost focus early, because (for me) it seemed a bit heavy on the backdrops and history and MWV references. I know there are people who want all that though. In fact, I bet you could just delete all the sexual content, post to a MWV forum, and people would be just as happy.

I chuckled at this phrase: "the biggest, burliest, roughest, most stereotypical man's men I can find. And if such a man can clean up and look good in a suit, my panties get automatically wet. But such men are emotionally messy and complicated". Not many authors go the "emotionally messy and complicated" route when describing burly/rough/stereotypical men. Usually, "one track minded simplistic grunters" is more accurate. Incidentally, "Grunt grunt, me want beer and sex and watch football". (In other words, I'm male).

Good job, keep it up! I predict lots of fans within the genre.

QUOTE: She is looking for me. Hunting, or merely searching for evidence of my existence? That this slip of a human female, looking as if she ventures only to library and running track could possibly be hunting me, brings the taste of a laugh to my lips. I've been hunted before. Fools have come, seeking the fame and glory that would accrue to any who might capture or kill a being such as I. Paltry humans have hunted my brothers as well. Since the Scientific Revolution, we've been tracked more by seekers of the biologically impossible than by glory hounds. All end up dead. The other creatures of the world, more careful, leave us to our own endeavors. But humans are not so clever as those who, in their impotent arrogance they would designate as 'lower' creatures. (eh, you could probably do better but I hope you get my meaning)

With fewer "that"s and "justs" you can establish a more 'other world' fantasy tone. The further you can take your narrative from slangy speech, the better you will accomplish this 'tone'. My suggestion would be to up the vocabulary a notch and seek a more formal type of writing, not archaic necessarily, but more formal, to accentuate the superiority oft the beings, the arrogance of their power. Use weak words to describe the humans and more powerful words to describe your 'creatures'.

This is what stopped my reading:

1) The prologue. Might work with a novel. For me, the prologue left me confused.

2) "And it's not that I don't like men."

3) "In fact, I adore men."

4) "My personal taste being for the biggest, burliest, roughest, most stereotypical man's men I can find. And if such a man can clean up and look good in a suit, my panties get automatically wet."

This is where I stopped. No action, and the redundant need to assure the reader that the character likes men. Why is it female characters have to state into infinity their panties get automatically wet at the sight of a cleaned up man? I assume for the male readers, which of course is whom all erotica is geared for.

I mean no offense. You asked. This is my opinion, FWIW.

Good luck with your story.

LadyVer said:

action, and the redundant need to assure the reader that the character likes men. Why is it female characters have to state into infinity their panties get automatically wet at the sight of a cleaned up man? I assume for the male readers, which of course is whom all erotica is geared for. .

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Come on, LV you know lit is man's world.

But you're right, it screams "me so horny" its too much.

It's an intriguing start. I like your narrative style - good attention to detail. Though there were numerous grammatical errors that pulled me out of it, so the story could have used another proof-reading sweep before you uploaded it.
It would be nice if Chloe proved to be a more capable individual than most female characters in these stories, but that's just wishful thinking.
Also, it is rather short. Perhaps start off with a larger chunk in future? Seems barely a teaser as it is.