Feedback Request: Falling Snow

Name: Falling Snow
Author: Nightporter
Category: Erotic Horror
Description: A succubus knows how to keep a lost skier warm

My first story was approved today. I'm looking for constructive criticism beyond the rating system. So that I might improve as an writer. So please give it a read and let me know what I'm doing right/wrong. Thanks!

https://www.literotica.com/s/falling-snow

Hi NightPorter,

And congrats on losing your cherry.

Thank God most people don't do as well on their first efforts or, if I was a bit less conceited, I might feel a tad discouraged.

First off, the technical boring mechanical stuff. Your instincts are right that you could use an editor. It took me three or four reads, but I did spot a few typoes peppered here and there. They weren't big, nor were there a glaring amount. And they wouldn't be caught by spellcheck since they are actually words. Like a place where you put "if" when you meant "it" or "pasted" where you meant "passed" and one place where Tom became Tome. As far as grammar, I'm about as useless as nipples on a boar, but it all seemed to flow right to me.

Now for the more fun, but also more subjective, stuff. And take what follows with more than just a grain of salt since about ten people on any street corner would probably disagree with me.

You've got, I think, a solid lock on theme, conflict, and plot. The two places I had just a teensy struggle were setting and characterization. Not because you did them poorly, but because I wanted to see more.

The forest; It had the potential to be another character. Shy references it a couple of times as almost a conscious entity. Yet, when Tom was slip sliding through it, we (or at least I) didn't really get the feeling that it was guiding him at all. Instead it was outside to piss, lost, cabin, holy shit is she naked under that blanket?!

Tom; We know he considers himself a geek. But, only because he tells us in his inner dialogue using that word and then only giving us his failure to attract Katie and the assertion that he makes to Shy that he doesn't have much luck with girls. Before going on to assert that he doesn't really want to since it causes his roommate problems! Other than one slip when he almost says "piss" instead of "use the restroom", we don't really see him stumble and bumble in his interactions with Shy. Oh, his inner dialogue is full of "golly gee, boobies" but I think some of that is normal for a first timer. And I felt his potential as a Warlock could have been a trifle clearer other than just his ability to see Shy's true form and resist the narcotic aphrodisiac she roofied him with to the little extent he did.

Shy; I'm really hesitant to offer much in the way of suggestions about Shy. Succubi have been a fetish of mine for some time and it makes me sad that I can't write them for shit because I would dearly love to. But, what I don't want to do is try to offer suggestions that would make her over into my idea of what a succubus should be. You have too much talent for me to do that.

Instead, I would just say that Shy struck me as a slightly aggressive horny college coed. Sort of if you stripped off the horns, wings, tail, and glowing eyes, not to mention the puff of aphrodisiac she blew up his nose, then you could drop her into the "First Time" category with hardly a ripple. If that is what you were going for, then excellent! You nailed it! If it's not, then you might consider on your next tale giving us a little more interaction. When she touches him with the nail on her index finger and drags it from just over the heart to follow the chi line down to the groin, for example. Is it a nail or a talon? How hard does she press? Does it tickle slightly or is there an edge of pain? Stuff like that.

The sex... I'm not going to even offer an opinion. Any that anyone does is pure personal preference in my personal opinion. As long as you are content with it, then rock out with your cock out.

To wrap up, if this is truly your first submission, you've been holding out on us! While I wouldn't say that Richelle Mead needs to keep an eye to her tailfeathers just yet, I do think you have a lot of potential that just needs some practice and polish to really shine.

Kudos.

Thank You Ewobbit!

That was exactly the type of constructive criticism I was looking for. I was a little nervous about how this story would be received since it really is the first piece of fiction I’ve ever written. So far people seem to be enjoying it, even if it wasn’t exactly where I wanted it to be.

The character of the forest wasn’t as flushed out as it should have been. Mostly because it was an add on after the nuts and bolts of the story were already in place. An attempt by me to add more supernatural elements to the story.

Really good points on Tom and his geeky nature. I need to work on showing instead of telling. Good food for thought.

I like the descriptions I wrote for Shy, although you are right about some of the details of the scene, “nail or a talon.” I think I just need more practice writing supernatural characters.

Again, thank you for taking the time to do a write up. I really appreciate it.

I read a couple of paragraphs before I stopped. The errors flew at me off the page.

I'm the worst critic in the world, because so much of what's written is crap. I just stopped reading a John Le Carre best seller because it sux. And I love Le Carre.

So I wont score your tale or post a comment, except to say, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. Practice, practice, practice.

Buy a decent grammar book, read it, and pay attention to its counsel. Don't write a word that isn't necessary or doesnt improve the sentence. I got this advice 60 years ago outta HOT ROD Magazine...."Don't put nuthin on your car that aint essential or don't make it go faster. Let your old lady worry about pretty."