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eschriner

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I wrote this at one time and am planning on adding to it. I could use any feedback on what I have right now though

He came up behind her and began kissing her on the neck, cupping her ample breasts as He massaged her nipples through the fabric of her bra. One hand wandered down as he started rubbing her crotch, still kissing her neck and ears. He pulled her shirt over her head and swiveled her around, kissing the tops of her bosom. As he began to kiss her lips, he unfastened her bra, allowing her tits to fall free and then he began to suck on her nipples. His tongue explored every inch of her breasts as it flicked over her nipples continuously. He unbuttoned her jeans and tugged her shoes & socks off and he began sucking on her toes and kissing the soles of her feet. He pulled her jeans off and knelt down as he pulled her panties to the side. His tongue then started to lick at her pussy, lapping at her clit and entering her to drink her sweet honey. She began to moan softly as her hips began to buck rhythmically at the sensation. He lifted her up slightly as he pull her panties off for easier access and then continued to lick her as she started to moan a little louder. His tongue continued to explore her as he kept sampling her delicious pussy some more. He stood up and slowly slid his cock within her, thrusting slowly as he teased her with the head. Then he began going deeper inside, fucking her harder with each thrust and listening to her gasp as he slid in and out of her. Finally, her pussy couldn’t take it any more as a torrent of cum began to ejaculate forcefully, coating his thick cock with her juices. With each orgasm, she squealed out pleasurably as he leaned down to kiss her gently upon the lips, affirming how much he was in love with her.
 
Not bad at all. I give extra points to any story that mentions a woman's toes and feel being licked and sucked.

Couple of things. First, too many "and then" that breaks up flow you need to transition without saying that.

As he began to kiss her lips, he unfastened her bra, allowing her tits to fall free and then he began to suck on her nipples.

Kissing her lips, he unfastened her bra allowing her gorgeous breasts to fall free. He (should be his name here too many he's) eagerly sucked her swollen nipple into his mouth, relishing the feel of her hard flesh against his soft tongue. Yeah I added a little, sorry.

The other things "started and began" are words that are kind of weak and can be avoided. This is something I have been working on myself the last few months.

His tongue then started to lick at her pussy, lapping at her clit and entering her to drink her sweet honey. She began to moan softly as her hips began to buck rhythmically at the sensation

Well "his tongue started to..." sounds sort of like his tongue is independent of his body, a mind of its own.

He ran his tongue along her pussy, lapping at her clit before plunging deep inside to taste sweet honey. She (name here maybe) moaned softly, her hips moving in rhythm with his thrusting tongue.

Notice how its flows better without the and, began and started?

just a couple of things I noticed.
 
You have a lot of "He did X as he did Y" sentences; you should vary that. Make some things their own sentence, just a short one, and others you can combine into something a little longer.

A couple of little things didn't quite make sense -- how does he "lift her up" and get her underwear off? Then he's sliding his cock inside her but only teasing her with the head? I think that needs to be reworked. Also, I know some women do squirt, or become wetter than others, but that bit about the "torrent of cum" and "ejaculating forcefully" just felt a little silly. I'd suggest scaling that back a bit and perhaps highlighting the tension in her body, her sounds, whether she's grasping his shoulders for balance, something like that.

There are other things such don't use "&," and break up the paragraph into smaller ones that are easier to read onscreen.
 
eschriner said:
I wrote this at one time and am planning on adding to it. I could use any feedback on what I have right now though

He came up behind her and began kissing her on the neck, cupping her ample breasts as He massaged her nipples through the fabric of her bra. One hand wandered down as he started rubbing her crotch, still kissing her neck and ears. He pulled her shirt over her head and swiveled her around, kissing the tops of her bosom. As he began to kiss her lips, he unfastened her bra, allowing her tits to fall free and then he began to suck on her nipples. His tongue explored every inch of her breasts as it flicked over her nipples continuously. He unbuttoned her jeans and tugged her shoes & socks off and he began sucking on her toes and kissing the soles of her feet. He pulled her jeans off and knelt down as he pulled her panties to the side. His tongue then started to lick at her pussy, lapping at her clit and entering her to drink her sweet honey. She began to moan softly as her hips began to buck rhythmically at the sensation. He lifted her up slightly as he pull her panties off for easier access and then continued to lick her as she started to moan a little louder. His tongue continued to explore her as he kept sampling her delicious pussy some more. He stood up and slowly slid his cock within her, thrusting slowly as he teased her with the head. Then he began going deeper inside, fucking her harder with each thrust and listening to her gasp as he slid in and out of her. Finally, her pussy couldn’t take it any more as a torrent of cum began to ejaculate forcefully, coating his thick cock with her juices. With each orgasm, she squealed out pleasurably as he leaned down to kiss her gently upon the lips, affirming how much he was in love with her.
Click to expand...

Not bad, but I do wish there was more to it than just description of the acts. I want to know that these people are really hot for it, you know? If they're excited about what they're doing, I'll be excited about it, too.

For example:

He came up behind her and kissed her neck. He'd waited for this moment all night, but he was determined to take it slowly, to make her body writhe in need for him. He cupped her ample breasts and massaged her nipples through the fabric of her bra. His excitement mounted when they hardened for him, straining into his touch.

One hand wandered down to rub her crotch...​
 
Everyone begins or starts everything in this sample. Why doesn't anyone actually do anything? also you are absolutely crazy with "and" used to create run-ons. "He pulled her shirt over her head, swiveling her around to kiss her ample breasts. If one takes away every and, every as, and every start or begin, there's not much left. also you need way more detail.

He eased up behind her; kissed her neck; cupped her ample breasts and tweaked her taut nipples through the fabric of her bra. The other hand slid to her crotch. Still kissing her neck and ears, he pulled her shirt over her head, swiveled her to kiss the tops of her breasts. His kisses roamed to her lips. His deft fingers unfastened the hooks of her bra allowing her tits to fall free. He sucked and nipped at the taut nubs of her nipples. With the ease of an expert, he unbuttoned her jeans, going to his knees to tug off her shoes and socks, bending to suck her toes and kiss the soles of her feet. He pulled her panties to the side, plunged his tongue. . .
 
I would say that's a perfect description of telling a story and not showing it. Play by play action is boring without any emotional input from either person as to what is happening. Without it, it's two robots going at it. Develop some responses from both of them to what's happening and show what it does to them emotionally, giving and getting.
Readers want that to relate to the characters better, to get a better feel for who they are.
Hope that helps. :)

RJ

eg: Silently he crept up behind her, doing his best not to give himself away. He put his arms around her, cupping her breasts as he began nuzzling and kissing her neck. She gasped at first in surprise, but soon succumbed to the delicious feeling of his fingers pinching her nipples through her bra. Her hands went back to him to hold, letting him know she accepted his advances and rolled her head back to him.
He kissed her softly at first, feeling her soft lips give the joy of his touch back to him. His hands fumbled at the buttons on her blouse, trying to free her supple mounds. He bared them and turned her towards him, so he could trail his hot kisses down her neck and into the cleavage of her breasts. She held his head to her in her need for greater arousal, his tongue leaving a trail of hot lust over her exposed flesh. He loved hearing the gasp, as his fingers released the clasps of her bra, feeling the weight of her breasts released from their confinement.

That's more of how I would have played the scene out, building the emotions being created in them both and 'showing' how the events unfold.
 
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