My first ever story :)

http://www.literotica.com/s/outlaw

The themes are femdom and non consent/reverse rape. Enjoy if you wish.

Here's what I think about your story:

- A few phrases feel misplaced and the grammar felt wonky in a few place. Not that it was grammatically incorrect. It's more like wordiness and bad English all combined into a single sentence. Sample this:

Muffled cries for mercy flails of limbs became infrequent and then were gone, as his body rested limply.

Her thighs on each side of his head were not gripping, just existing on each side of him, provided an intimidatingly secure presence all around him.

You don't describe the actions well enough. It should've been precise and I feel as if you've been fumbling for words. As the majority of the Literotica readers go, I bet someone skimming through your work will never catch this. I suggest that you get an Editor to deal with this.

- Another sample that ticked me off:

She pulled them apart with her hands and lowered her rectum over his mouth.

Rectum is a place inside the human body, the channel inside the anal sphincter, where faecal matter is stored. You won't get any brownie points for Biology.

And, uh, your story barely passes the Lit benchmark for violence and rape. The saving grace is that your male character ejaculated, or else it would've been outright rejected.

I think this plot, as a short 1 page story, works quite well. It's nice to see a fem-dom story, but this isn't my cup of tea. The major setbacks that I can find are your grammar and phrases, which I believe that an editor can set it right.

I hope that helped in any way it could.


Bard.

That solitude was broken when a man (entered her booth,) sat across from her.( He set down his bag.) He sat back to get his breath back; he was clearly flustered as if he'd (just) exerted himself. His demeanor changed when he saw Mary. She was a (consciously) (word choice) beautiful woman: (and whenever) in the company of men she drew (experienced the usual )lustful stares. 19th century America (could be) was a dangerous place for a lone woman. She wore a petticoat under her floor-length dress to conceal her legs, to avoiding (further attraction to) voyeurs. A tightly fitting corset did her no favours, (in that department, as it It) pushing up her full breasts while displaying her slender waist, splaying into wide, round hips.

There are a lot of contradictions in the female character right up front... where she wants solitude and is annoyed, but 'purs in a southern drawl', and where she hides her legs, but her breasts are pushed up (the wording such that she doesn't like it that way or doesn't have control over showing them off).

A bit more into the thinking/her mindset and evolution /decision making would help. And yes, an editor and general sentence structure and flow.

Wow, I wasn't expecting such detailed responses. Thanks all around. I agree the phrasing and grammar are far from perfect throughout, but with it being a first attempt I didn't show a great deal of pride or really strive for perfection in any sense. It was written in one go and not exactly proof-read. I'll try harder at that in future.

Bard, I'd be interested for more detail on the "benchmark for violence and rape". Are you saying it wasn't a sexual enough encounter or something along those lines?



jake, real life people have contradictions in their personalities! She can detest being gazed upon relentlessly but still have a sultry accent. Her clothing was simply a stereotypical southern belle in 19th century description but I take your point and agree to an extent.

Constriction said:

Wow, I wasn't expecting such detailed responses. Thanks all around. I agree the phrasing and grammar are far from perfect throughout, but with it being a first attempt I didn't show a great deal of pride or really strive for perfection in any sense. It was written in one go and not exactly proof-read. I'll try harder at that in future.

Bard, I'd be interested for more detail on the "benchmark for violence and rape". Are you saying it wasn't a sexual enough encounter or something along those lines?



jake, real life people have contradictions in their personalities! She can detest being gazed upon relentlessly but still have a sultry accent. Her clothing was simply a stereotypical southern belle in 19th century description but I take your point and agree to an extent.

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Yes, people can have contradictions, but I'm saying you need to be more.. delicate in showing them..

If she's annoyed, why is she talking sultry? Maybe build it out more..

"Pretty lips" he leered.. (so what is her reaction to this? He's a nuisance of a voyeur.. and a response of "Excuse me?" doesn't fit with a tone of sultry without some context, especially as she is trying to figure out where she knows him from).

So, maybe something more.. 'still trying to place his face, but knowing he held danger, she knew how to disarm him. Or, more accurately, how to make him think he was in charge of what was going to happen next. Holding her hand, abashedly to her chest in false worry, she turned on her best sultry southern drawl, touched with a hint of naivety to complete the picture.. "Excuse me?" '

Even that bit needs a little bit of editing, but hopefully you see where I'm going with it.

Well, there's always room for improvement.

Constriction said:

Bard, I'd be interested for more detail on the "benchmark for violence and rape". Are you saying it wasn't a sexual enough encounter or something along those lines?

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Here's a quote from the original post by Laurel:

While we do accept submissions with graphic violence, we don't accept "snuff" - i.e. death & extreme torture with the aim of sexual titillation. We generally do not accept submissions of nonconsensual sex in which the "victim" gets absolutely no sort of thrill or enjoyment from the acts, or is seriously and /or permanently physically harmed/abused.

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Sorry for not clarifying it earlier, Constriction. What I meant to say is that your Erotica almost borders on character abuse, which is against the rules of posting a story on Literotica. (You can find the entire rule from here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=175666)

I can't pass a judgement on your story because it's not my place to do so, but the "sex" wasn't my cup of tea. It's not a usual story that I'd like to read in Non-consent category.

I'm game for anything other than that.

jake, that actually sounds excellent and I can see where you're coming from. I was concerned about it becoming too long but it wouldn't have hurt to be more filled out.


bard, wow I should have read more carefully. That certainly puts a limit on things from a femdom perspective!

It's not a bad story, but there are problems. The most glaring errors are in sentence construction, grammar, and punctuation. A few more times proof reading or obtaining the services of an editor prior to submitting would help with the worst offenses.

I didn't care for the pace of the story. The unnamed man barely entered the railroad car and he was suddenly assaulting her. This encounter could have used a little more build up. Instead, the man is painted in a single color, and the woman is still undefined. We only know her demeanor because you tell us, but don't spend any time showing us. There's no chance that we will be surprised by her reactions because we have nothing to compare them to. In short, spend a little more time on character development before launching the action.

Finally, this story is clearly a Noncon/Reluctance story, but it is going to get a harsh reception in that category. Readers in that section prefer dominant males abusing younger females. This story would have enjoyed a more receptive--but smaller--audience had you posted it in Fetish. Femdom readers are more plentiful there than in Noncon.

A quick comment: show don't tell.

Mary had always enjoyed the solitude of train booths.

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Why does she enjoy the solitude of train booths? Because she glanced into a booth of full of rough men and as she motions to move to the next booth a man cat-calls her. She replies with witty abuse and walks off to find an empty booth to relax in.

I didn't put any effort into the paragraph above. What I am trying to say is you can achieve the same objectives, and more, by showing not telling.