Long time BSDM reader and secret writer, first time publishing

[NoviceAspen]

I’d love feedback on the first installment of my story The Fortress.

https://literotica.com/s/the-fortress-ch-01-02

It’s BSDM, more coercion and reluctance than non-consent, with both submissive and dominant females as well as less dominant males. It’s an idea I have played with and even written about in the past but never had the courage to share with anyone else. I’m getting bolder as I get older though and decided to stop being ashamed of my fantasies and just enjoy them. Any and all feedback welcome.

 

[Buffy47]

Good luck with your future Writings it'd not easy to be original and write a solid story and then encourage critics

 

[Twanquavius]

I liked it!

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. It's an interesting idea, something a little different for that category and with the potential to develop further. Some thoughts I had about it.

1) The set-up is quite confusing - the wider world has 4:1 male/female ratio, the city just has women and the Fortress has all the men who would otherwise be in the city (presumably in a much higher than 4:1 ratio)? Is that right? This is the sort of point that depends on what happens in the future in the story, but the fact that the MC is from a village and has experience with men (though a virgin) kind of makes the all-women city point seem redundant ATM.
2) This also kind of makes me think that the story is starting in the wrong place. There might not be any sex involved, but it seems like the MC coming to the all-female city first would set up the world-building more clearly and also give us a glimpse of her 'non-captive' personality. Presumably the city is some kind of utopia which would explain why what goes on in the Fortress is 'worthwhile'.
3) This is the other issue I had with the story - at the moment the captive MC does have anything to do but listen and watch and as a result we don't yet have a clear sense of who she is or why we should root for her. There are some sentences which deal with how she feels about the orgies she watches but, to my mind, not quite enough to establish a dilema for the character.
4) As a result of this, the first chapter is very talky - the mistress just outlines how things work. On the other hand, the second chapter is quite detached - we're reading about someone we've just met watching people she doesn't know on TV. No one is named, and consequently, apart from the list of sex acts themselves and general theatre of the section, it's hard to really get involved in this section. What happens to these people 'doesn't matter'
5) It's probably a mistake to tell readers 'the good stuff starts in chapter two' - I don't think it's necessarily true anyway, but even if it is, don't mention it. Similarly, having the note about the world at the start is unnecessariy, especially as the mistress basically says exactly the same thing a little way into the story.

 

[darkride]

My main comment would be... when anyone gives you feedback on your writing... listen to it all, keep a subjective mind, don't take it personally, and see what you can learn from it. Then - take on board what you want to take on board, and toss the rest out.

Everyone, every writer, published or not, has their own style, their own voice. There are of course procedural things that we all must learn, but as the saying goes - once you know the rules, then you can break those rules. (Just don't break too many. )

 

[NoviceAspen]

Congratulations on your first story. It's an interesting idea, something a little different for that category and with the potential to develop further. Some thoughts I had about it.

1) The set-up is quite confusing - the wider world has 4:1 male/female ratio, the city just has women and the Fortress has all the men who would otherwise be in the city (presumably in a much higher than 4:1 ratio)? Is that right? This is the sort of point that depends on what happens in the future in the story, but the fact that the MC is from a village and has experience with men (though a virgin) kind of makes the all-women city point seem redundant ATM.
2) This also kind of makes me think that the story is starting in the wrong place. There might not be any sex involved, but it seems like the MC coming to the all-female city first would set up the world-building more clearly and also give us a glimpse of her 'non-captive' personality. Presumably the city is some kind of utopia which would explain why what goes on in the Fortress is 'worthwhile'.
3) This is the other issue I had with the story - at the moment the captive MC does have anything to do but listen and watch and as a result we don't yet have a clear sense of who she is or why we should root for her. There are some sentences which deal with how she feels about the orgies she watches but, to my mind, not quite enough to establish a dilema for the character.
4) As a result of this, the first chapter is very talky - the mistress just outlines how things work. On the other hand, the second chapter is quite detached - we're reading about someone we've just met watching people she doesn't know on TV. No one is named, and consequently, apart from the list of sex acts themselves and general theatre of the section, it's hard to really get involved in this section. What happens to these people 'doesn't matter'
5) It's probably a mistake to tell readers 'the good stuff starts in chapter two' - I don't think it's necessarily true anyway, but even if it is, don't mention it. Similarly, having the note about the world at the start is unnecessariy, especially as the mistress basically says exactly the same thing a little way into the story.

Thank you, this is the kind of critique I need to hear in order to improve future stories. If I’ve peaked your interest at all I hope you’ll stay tuned to see how things progress.

 

[NoviceAspen]

My main comment would be... when anyone gives you feedback on your writing... listen to it all, keep a subjective mind, don't take it personally, and see what you can learn from it. Then - take on board what you want to take on board, and toss the rest out.

Everyone, every writer, published or not, has their own style, their own voice. There are of course procedural things that we all must learn, but as the saying goes - once you know the rules, then you can break those rules. (Just don't break too many. )

Thanks. I don’t take anything personally when we’re all just anonymous names on the internet, it isn’t worth the energy . I like knowing what some people might like and dislike in my writing. It doesn’t mean I’m going to make all the changes they suggest, but it might advise some future stories.

 

[yukonnights]

I enjoyed your story and think you should be proud of what you've crafted. I think we'll be seeing some great things from you as you write more.