Looking for honest feedback

Looking for honest feedback on chapter 12 of my storyline "A Slut's Triangle". I'm not asking for a critique of the whole storyline just chapter 12 It contains an oral sex scene between a Woman (Kimberly) and a Transvestite(Ashleigh) for those curious on the details and tidbits. The link posted is below.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-sluts-triangle-pt-12

Bumping this one time to see if anyone would like to read the chapterKant

I read chapter 12 and think it was very well written and it flows just right. You can really get a sense of feeling between the two characters it's emotional and very well thought out. I like your writing style, I may have to read the rest of your story even tho it's not really my thing.

Thank you so much for reading the chapter!I realize the storyline isn't for everyone. It does serve a higher purpose by letting the reader delve into my world and learn more about me as a person than what is written in my profile.

The storyline shares my experiences, thoughts, real name, aspects of my divorce, fantasies, and past lovers in a way that's easy to follow along with in dialogue.

Thank you so much for the kind wordsKant

BumpKant

What do you want critiqued? What do you hope to learn?

I liked it, I was up to chap 5 or 6, so now I have to go back and catch up. Can't wait to see where it goes

Borderline perfect. The flow was great and grammar was perfect. Great job...

seldomseen said:

I liked it, I was up to chap 5 or 6, so now I have to go back and catch up. Can't wait to see where it goes

Click to expand...

You may see references in a couple of chapters to an "all-girls" party. That's will be the highlight to the storylineThank you so much for reading. Stick around, the storyline is pretty intricate and complex, but laid out really well in my opinion. Kant

Lady_Sith said:

Borderline perfect. The flow was great and grammar was perfect. Great job...

Click to expand...

Aww, you are going to make me blush before breakfastThanks for the critique

AwkwardMD said:

What do you want critiqued? What do you hope to learn?

Click to expand...

A general critique would be nice

Reading this chapter out of order did not cause me any trouble, and it should have. There is no reason, as a storyteller, for there to be a recap of Ashleigh’s intertwined relationships. If it serves no purpose, don’t include it.

Your prose is too busy. Too many adverbs and adjectives. Describe less, and surgical about what you do explain in detail. That will make those important moments really shine. The reader can and will imagine the rest.

You attempt to explain too many things. In over-explaining, you undercut your own tension. There’s no fear on the part of the reader. To fix this, you have attempted to forcibly insert tension by telling us “THERE IS TENSION! SHE CAN SENSE MY TENSION!”

Tension is important in a narrative. Explain less. Say less.

The dialog is a little stiff. People stutter and stumble, especially when they’re nervous or broaching a sensitive subject. If everyone is perfectly composed, it reduces the gravity of the conversation.

You explain who is saying every line of dialog. In a conversation with only two people, you can do less explaining and let the words really shine.

The sex is the highlight of the chapter. It’s well choreographed and hot, but the busy prose gets in the way.

Be ruthless when you edit yourself.