Feedback requested for LW story titled VY

[LongDraw]

Hello and thank you so much for reading this.

You can refer to me as LongDraw until I settle on a pen name.

The name of my story is VY, as in VYrus.
VY Introduction - Chapter 03 - Published
VY Chapter 04 - Chapter 07 - Published
VY Chapter 08 - Chapter 11 - Submitted
VY Chapter 12 - Chapter 15 - To Be Linked When Ready
VY Chapter 16 - Chapter 19 - To Be Linked When Ready
VY Chapter 20 - Chapter 24 - To Be Linked When Ready

This is a story of Loving Wives.

I started writing back this story back in September of 2018. Obviously, none of us had any idea that a real-world pandemic would hit just over a year later, but it spurred me on to complete this novel. I would like to give many thanks to Volunteer Editors Phil Anderer and WishLove for their immense amount of help in fixing multiple aspects of the narrative writing.

All persons discussed and described in any forms of sexual and or intimate terms are and were of legal consenting age. No underage sex occurs at all.

While there is a point in the story where incest and inbreeding become a primary focus as a driver for the story, I want to state that I do not condone this dangerous practice in real life. As this is a work of fiction, I also implore all my readers to recognize scenes that are fictional and not intended to be reenacted in real life.

I hope you enjoy my story. Please keep in mind that elements in the story are being reworked to get as close to non-fiction while still having a fictional story. I understand that my English writing skills are not that of a university English professor, but I have written policy and procedure documents that are actually utilized regularly in 80% of the U.S. medical industry. What I am asking for here is the thoughts of other authors here about the story overall, more so chapter by chapter or scene by scene.

Questions for my fellow authors
I am seeking your feedback on what you think after reading the story. If you feel so inclined to provide a more in-depth review, Please keep it restrained to per chapter to keep the feedback scene-centric. In particular, I would like to know specifically what the female authors think of the story overall, as well as lesbian scenes that already are included or where you feel it is needed to balance out the masculinity. I'm aiming for a broad audience with this novel.

I can take criticism, just please leave feedback that I can realistically act on. Telling me the story sucks or that I need to learn how to write won't benefit anyone, whereas if you want to tell me that the story is for example "boring because there is too much of blank type of scene".

Thank you in advance for your feedback everyone.

*Note to moderator* This story is actually primarily focused on the Loving Wives aspect, that part of the story coming more into play in VY Ch 04 - Ch 07.

*Note to readers* As of this thread being posted 2/10/2022, the story is about 53k words, VY Ch 00 - Ch 03 being about 10k of that.

 

[windar]

There are a lot of articles and books purporting to give advice to writers. Much of it is not that helpful, but, IMO, the one that I always keep in the back of my mind as I'm writing is "Show, don't tell".

The premise of your story-a virus that selectively attacks males -is timely, though I'm fairly sure I read science fiction stories that had that theme many years ago. But it could lead to an interesting story.

However, starting with a long discourse on viral evolution and congressional votes and laws is not the way to hook readers. Start with the story and backfill with those details that are strictly necessary to the plot, which I suspect many are not.

Also, I'm not sure mentioning a specific President is wise. I did an erotic political satire in early 2017 about Great America, but I don't think that's your intent here. That name may lose you readers on both sides-some because they can't stand to read about him and some who think you aren't bowing enough to him. Just saying the President is probably enough.

 

[LongDraw]

There are a lot of articles and books purporting to give advice to writers. Much of it is not that helpful, but, IMO, the one that I always keep in the back of my mind as I'm writing is "Show, don't tell".

The premise of your story-a virus that selectively attacks males -is timely, though I'm fairly sure I read science fiction stories that had that theme many years ago. But it could lead to an interesting story.

However, starting with a long discourse on viral evolution and congressional votes and laws is not the way to hook readers. Start with the story and backfill with those details that are strictly necessary to the plot, which I suspect many are not.

Also, I'm not sure mentioning a specific President is wise. I did an erotic political satire in early 2017 about Great America, but I don't think that's your intent here. That name may lose you readers on both sides-some because they can't stand to read about him and some who think you aren't bowing enough to him. Just saying the President is probably enough.

The show, don't tell, I understand the point and agree, I just don't seem to have the ability to shift my mind to that writing style. Maybe I just need a different teacher, who knows, it just hasn't clicked yet.

Yes, there are several stories with a virus killing most or all but one male, where my novel differentiates is for one that the males become both slaves of sorts, but also are prominent in their position as head of household. There are also many other aspects that differentiate from those other stories, but it is time for me to get sleep, so it'll have to be discussed in more detail another time.

This is one I've definitely be on the fence big time with, but I just don't know what it would look like without it. It sets the scene in my mind.

I did change the president's name to a totally fictional president with a name that is almost guaranteed to never exist. I totally get that there is millions of Anti-Trumpsters out there, and they are absolutely entitled to their opinions. This book isn't intended to have a political debate about who is president in the slightest.

Sorry my response came a little late. I do appreciate the feedback and will continue to think about what you've said while I mull the story in my head.

 

[LongDraw]

Okay, so I've published another 4 chapters of the novel and I have a third section of 4 chapters submitted and waiting approval. I would appreciate it if I could get some beta reads, and if the spirit moves you leave some comments.

Thanks everyone!