If you like Succubus stories, I could use feedback on mine

[VenDeezel]

I'm a long-time Literotica reader and I've had a story I've been mulling over to write for nearly a decade. In order to get into a habit of writing regularly, I decided to start this spin-off of a character that doesn't appear until much later in the main story.

This is the first chapter and, looking over it, Is see that my transition partitions don't appear between paragraphs (the *********** that signal a change in scene). So, if you run across that before I can edit it and get confused, just know I'm aware of the issue and will figure out how to address it soon.

Other than that, I really just hope this grabs you and you can give me feedback on quality, editorial issues (grammar, sentence structure, etc.)

Thanks in advance for your time.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-lady-qandisa-tail-last-rites

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I’ll take a look for you when I have a moment.

 

[AlinaX]

Don't finish dialogue with a full stop if continuing the sentence.

A little indulgent with adverbs in places.

Grammar oversights here:

Your hunger should be all the more reason for you to be gracious when I allow you to feed; Seals notwithstanding.

Hmm. You have that eagerness to expand on vocabulary that new authors often have, an enjoyment of adjectives and adverbs, and while that is certainly good for imagery it can be overdone. Especially in dialogue, because who actually says things like:

Don't presume to patronise ...
I do not mean to condescend ...

'vaginal tunnel': Someone once had a go at me for using tunnel to describe a vagina, and ever since the word has jarred with me.

'soliloquized offhandedly'? Seriously? There's variety, and then there's absurdity.

'singing labia'? What were they singing? Opera?

I'm stopping, sorry. You have imagination and can write, but really need to calm down.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'll take a look.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Over descriptive

Hmm. You have that eagerness to expand on vocabulary that new authors often have, an enjoyment of adjectives and adverbs, and while that is certainly good for imagery it can be overdone.

I'm stopping, sorry. You have imagination and can write, but really need to calm down.

This about sums it up. An interesting story, and I think you have a future writing, but please give the thesaurus a rest.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on publishing your first story. I'm currently doodling an outline for a succubus story, so I'm interested in seeing what other people are doing with it.

As the other's said above, your language tends to get in the way of the story more than it helps it. I notice vaginal tunnel as well - once I could forgive, but twice is a bit much. Here are some other thoughts about it.

- One issue with publishing stories on Lit is it can be difficult to tell what the scale of the project is. This is advertised as a Lady Qandisa Tail (Tale) but it's clearly not a complete tale in itself, but rather the opening of a series of indeterminate length. This makes it a bit more difficult to critique in terms of pacing, but I think there are some structural issues that prevent it from flowing as well as it could.
- You start with a sex scene, but don't name anyone straight away. This kind of makes it a bit hard to get a grip on the story as characters are referred to as the blonde/the man etc. Perhaps its to recreate the opening of a movie where you don't know who anyone is yet, but there's really no need for this. We spend our time wondering who everyone is rather than enjoying the action.
- We get three characters in the first section with the mention of a name of a forth one. Once we get to Godfrey we then have to deal with Sapphira, Roland, Aldous, Cedric, Lord Wesley and Friar Phineas all in quick succession. None of these guys are proper characters except for the Friar as he's the only one who gets any (substantial?) dialogue. That's 11 characters on the first page and not all of them are important for this section of the story.
- You're also rushing through a lot of important story - I'd say that Godfrey's lusting after Sapphira as well as his being bullied are key plot point and as such need developing into full scenes. Doing this helps put his interactions with the demon into better context later.
- Part of the problem throughout the story is that you're using a lot of omniscient third rather than really getting close to one or two of your characters. For the opening scene, it seems like Gisella, the less scheming of the two succubi would be the one to follow as the more devious one explain their plan. For the rest of the story, I think it would be better to really get more insdie Geofrey's head. For example, he's clearly religious, but I really wanted to know more about what he's actually thinking when he says 'My seed should only be for the purpose of siring children' whether he really believes this and to what extent he's cracking.
- It did occur to me while reading that Confessionals are a really useful scenic device. Were you to write it from Friar Phineas' perspective, you could get a lot of work done - not only can Geofrey tell him all the plot points that have happened to him, but Phineas might have knowledge of what's going on with all the other characters - what Sapphira has done with Roland, what Sapphira feels about Geofrey looking at her, what his mother has confessed about being a prostitute, what other men have confessed about visiting his mother and so on. It's also not clear to what extent the Church believes in the existance of succubi at this point - if Qandisa has been doing the rounds visiting men this is also something Phineas could know about. Combine everything together into one conversation and potentially you end up with effective and efficient story telling.
- The chapter really just ends rather than has a fitting finish. There are certain things which have been teased to make the reader interested in part two, but it doesn't really end in a strong way.

 

[VenDeezel]

Don't finish dialogue with a full stop if continuing the sentence.

A little indulgent with adverbs in places.

Grammar oversights here:


Hmm. You have that eagerness to expand on vocabulary that new authors often have, an enjoyment of adjectives and adverbs, and while that is certainly good for imagery it can be overdone. Especially in dialogue, because who actually says things like:


'vaginal tunnel': Someone once had a go at me for using tunnel to describe a vagina, and ever since the word has jarred with me.

'soliloquized offhandedly'? Seriously? There's variety, and then there's absurdity.

'singing labia'? What were they singing? Opera?

I'm stopping, sorry. You have imagination and can write, but really need to calm down.

Didn't realize I used "vaginal tunnel" twice, lol. I was running out of references without resorting to "cunt" or being redunant. Certainly noted ️

Thank you

 

[VenDeezel]

Over descriptive

This about sums it up. An interesting story, and I think you have a future writing, but please give the thesaurus a rest.

Hmm, that's gonna be a tough one. I feel like imagery is one of my strengths. I'll see how I can tone it down.

Thank you

 

[VenDeezel]

- One issue with publishing stories on Lit is it can be difficult to tell what the scale of the project is. This is advertised as a Lady Qandisa Tail (Tale) but it's clearly not a complete tale in itself, but rather the opening of a series of indeterminate length. This makes it a bit more difficult to critique in terms of pacing, but I think there are some structural issues that prevent it from flowing as well as it could.

- You start with a sex scene, but don't name anyone straight away. This kind of makes it a bit hard to get a grip on the story as characters are referred to as the blonde/the man etc. Perhaps its to recreate the opening of a movie where you don't know who anyone is yet, but there's really no need for this. We spend our time wondering who everyone is rather than enjoying the action.

- We get three characters in the first section with the mention of a name of a forth one. Once we get to Godfrey we then have to deal with Sapphira, Roland, Aldous, Cedric, Lord Wesley and Friar Phineas all in quick succession. None of these guys are proper characters except for the Friar as he's the only one who gets any (substantial?) dialogue. That's 11 characters on the first page and not all of them are important for this section of the story.

- You're also rushing through a lot of important story - I'd say that Godfrey's lusting after Sapphira as well as his being bullied are key plot point and as such need developing into full scenes. Doing this helps put his interactions with the demon into better context later.

- Part of the problem throughout the story is that you're using a lot of omniscient third rather than really getting close to one or two of your characters. For the opening scene, it seems like Gisella, the less scheming of the two succubi would be the one to follow as the more devious one explain their plan. For the rest of the story, I think it would be better to really get more insdie Geofrey's head. For example, he's clearly religious, but I really wanted to know more about what he's actually thinking when he says 'My seed should only be for the purpose of siring children' whether he really believes this and to what extent he's cracking.

- It did occur to me while reading that Confessionals are a really useful scenic device. Were you to write it from Friar Phineas' perspective, you could get a lot of work done - not only can Geofrey tell him all the plot points that have happened to him, but Phineas might have knowledge of what's going on with all the other characters.

It's also not clear to what extent the Church believes in the existance of succubi at this point - if Qandisa has been doing the rounds visiting men this is also something Phineas could know about. Combine everything together into one conversation and potentially you end up with effective and efficient story telling.

- The chapter really just ends rather than has a fitting finish. There are certain things which have been teased to make the reader interested in part two, but it doesn't really end in a strong way.

Thanks for giving it a read!

I've also been unsure how long "one chapter" should be on Literotica and what qualifies as a chapter versus an entry in a series.

This story feels like it's expanding as I write it, so it's getting way larger than I planned, already.

You're spot-on about the intro. I wanted to introduce the characters organically (show, not tell). Part of that is because I want to maintain a particular mystery element that I want to pay off later. There is a part of that "plot twist" that I could add a nugget to here, since you mentioned it. I appreciate that observation.

The intro actually was an afterthought. I originally started with introducing Godfrey and didn't have a tremendous amount planned for most of the other characters except to highlight Godfrey's day-to-day life. Now that I've added a bit more excuse for an actual plot (other than Lady Qandisa getting some long-overdue num-nums) I have reason to visit those characters more later. I'll see about expounding on them more in this chapter as, I see now, that I still failed to show; not tell with what I did have. I'll definitely consider how to provide more insight into Godfrey's general mindset. Great observation!

I understand your input about utilizing the confessional and, you're right; It's a great opportunity for efficient exposition.

But, then I had to remember that, as a friar, Phineas was doing Godfrey a favor because he doesn't normally play the role of confessor. So he wouldn't hear quite as many intimate details from others that would involve Godfrey. And even if the friar was a confessor, I wanted to play him like a "true believer" and one of the more upstanding members of the church who wouldn't violate the confidentiality of parishioners by being a gossipping Chatty Patty.

AND, in service to the mystery (that I also need and can afford to set up more efficiently) it doesn't serve the plot that Phineas knows TOO much at the moment.

I probably took it for granted that EVERYBODY knows what the sentiments were in Middle Age Europe concerning women's sexuality or demons. But it's not a detail that would hurt to add. Thanks for catching that.

And I fully agree about the ending. Again, this story is growing bigger in my head the more I write it so I just found the most fitting place to split it and start the second chapter. But that'll be a simple fix

Great insights and I truly appreciate your help!

Stay tuned!

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks for giving it a read!

I've also been unsure how long "one chapter" should be on Literotica and what qualifies as a chapter versus an entry in a series.

This story feels like it's expanding as I write it, so it's getting way larger than I planned, already.

I know that feeling!

There's no particular rules about how much you can post at once - you can 'chapter' your story as you see fit and then post it in bundles of chapters or just a solo chapter. It's not that your posted chapter is too short or anything, it's more that the ending doesn't quite leave me excited to read more. She gets wings - but we already know she's not human and she doesn't use them (for example, one corny way to end the chapter would be to have her fly away and have Godrey wishing for her to come back so he can get his 'sexy death').

You're spot-on about the intro. I wanted to introduce the characters organically (show, not tell). Part of that is because I want to maintain a particular mystery element that I want to pay off later. There is a part of that "plot twist" that I could add a nugget to here, since you mentioned it. I appreciate that observation.

The intro actually was an afterthought. I originally started with introducing Godfrey and didn't have a tremendous amount planned for most of the other characters except to highlight Godfrey's day-to-day life. Now that I've added a bit more excuse for an actual plot (other than Lady Qandisa getting some long-overdue num-nums) I have reason to visit those characters more later. I'll see about expounding on them more in this chapter as, I see now, that I still failed to show; not tell with what I did have. I'll definitely consider how to provide more insight into Godfrey's general mindset. Great observation!

I understand your input about utilizing the confessional and, you're right; It's a great opportunity for efficient exposition.

But, then I had to remember that, as a friar, Phineas was doing Godfrey a favor because he doesn't normally play the role of confessor. So he wouldn't hear quite as many intimate details from others that would involve Godfrey. And even if the friar was a confessor, I wanted to play him like a "true believer" and one of the more upstanding members of the church who wouldn't violate the confidentiality of parishioners by being a gossipping Chatty Patty.

AND, in service to the mystery (that I also need and can afford to set up more efficiently) it doesn't serve the plot that Phineas knows TOO much at the moment.

I wasn't expecting Phineas to spill any beans with Godfrey - here's an example of what I meant, assuming they're in a proper confessional and written in my own style and having made up lots of characterization for the characters.

"I've been having impure thoughts," said Godfrey.

"Saphirra again?" said the priest. The baker's daughter was the source of most of the impure thoughts in the village, from eighteen to eighty year olds. She'd once admitted that she liked attention and made sure to show all and sundry a little more than was proper. Once, though from the confessions he got from others Phineas suspected it was the confessions that had stopped and not the behaviour. Normally, if a boy reported consistent lust after a girl, the priest would encourage them to make their suite in the hopes of making the impure pure. And if the lady deumured, well, nothing cooled ardour like a rejection. That wouldn't work in this instance. Saphirra had given up her maidenhead this fortnight past. Neither she nor Roland, the blacksmith's son, had confessed to this, but Farmer Green had given the friar far more details of what he had observed in the forest glade than were strictly necessary for absolution.

By going inside Phineas's head more, you can give key plot information to the reader while withholding it from Godfrey, or at least make a paragraph explainations of what's going on a little more interesting.

I probably took it for granted that EVERYBODY knows what the sentiments were in Middle Age Europe concerning women's sexuality or demons. But it's not a detail that would hurt to add. Thanks for catching that.

Sorry, I probably didn't explain that point well. In our real world, where succubi are not real, the church believes in demons, but doesn't know anything concrete about them because there's nothing concrete to know. In a world where succubi are real the church could have the same general belief, but not really know anything about them, or their priests could do battle with them daily.

So when Godfrey says he's dreamed a succubi, Phileas asks for details but I didn't really get a sense of whether he's thinking
a) Bad dreams eh, a bit of faith and maybe finding a nice girl to hold hand with might take the edge off.

or

b) Succubi in my parish. Oh no! I'd better tell the ArchDecon and get the Anti-Slutdemon Unit out here sharpish. Moorish woman? Could be Aribia or may Renalda or...no it couldn't be Qandisa could it?

And I fully agree about the ending. Again, this story is growing bigger in my head the more I write it so I just found the most fitting place to split it and start the second chapter. But that'll be a simple fix

Great insights and I truly appreciate your help!

Stay tuned!

 

[VenDeezel]

I wasn't expecting Phineas to spill any beans with Godfrey

By going inside Phineas's head more, you can give key plot information to the reader while withholding it from Godfrey, or at least make a paragraph explainations of what's going on a little more interesting.

Sorry, I probably didn't explain that point well. In our real world, where succubi are not real, the church believes in demons, but doesn't know anything concrete about them because there's nothing concrete to know. In a world where succubi are real the church could have the same general belief, but not really know anything about them, or their priests could do battle with them daily.

Ok, I understand what you mean about how to utilize Phineas. I'm not sure how well I'm walking the line between omniscient 3rd and giving organic exposure to plot elements as they reveal themselves as a matter of course. I try to keep my 3rd person insights at the level of each character's feelings in the monent more than what they experienced or knew before that moment. I.e. If you, the reader, weren't there when they found out the thing, you, nor anyone else, will know unless they choose to share it.

I do know that during my original introduction of Godfrey, how it would feel rushed through compared to the groundwork I'd started to lay after the meeting with the friar and the addition of the new intro.

I don't think I'm giving too much away in saying that the church (and the society at large) has a more superstitious understanding of the succubus in a more realistic manner. Some people say they've seen one. Some people accused a woman they know of being one, had her tried and unjustly executed because it was still just based in superstition. And a real succubus would be too crafty/powerful to ever get caught, tried or executed by humans. But I can definitely find a way to set that tone narratively.

And ditch the "vaginal canal"

Lol, thanks again