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new sub in the fog

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newsubandtop

Experienced
Joined
Jan 5, 2014
Posts
34
Hi!

Me and my boyfriend have recently started practising bdsm. He is top and I am bottom. We talk quite openly and had been talking about it for some time before trying anything, in fact, it was me who brought it up in the first place.

At the beginning we just enjoyed some videos and then we thought about getting into it during sexual play. The thing is that it's been a few months and i have never got to come. I love most of what he does to me, i feel the rush and everything but i just didn't get to come.

I've told him and he says i probably just need some time. But it's been like seven months and we play almost every weekend. He loves the role, I can tell, but he is always talking about trying this and that. Things that he knows I have discarded and won't like. Is this usual? Because he says that pushing my boundaries is part of his role. Should I try even if I know I'm not going to enjoy it? Will I be failing as his submissive if I don't give it a chance?

Thank you all for reading this
 
Why don't you "get to cum"?

:confused:

As for the things he wants to do that you aren't interested in - are they soft limits (ie: Meh.. not really my thing but I don't have any moral, ethical, strong personal aversion to it, etc) or are they hard limits (ie: No way in hell; abuse trigger; illegal, etc)?

IMO, there are soft limits that one might think they won't enjoy, but sometimes part of figuring out what you do and don't enjoy involves experimenting and trying things you aren't sure you'll enjoy.

If it's a hard limit, he needs to stop pushing.
 
What activities do you expect should be orgasmic?

Were you coming before, using some other approach?

He can try to push your boundaries, but he risks pushing you away from the sheer bouncing puppytude of his enthusiasm... Tell him to back off before he gets a swat on the nose with a rolled up newspaper :cattail:
 
CutieMouse said:
Why don't you "get to cum"?

:(

dunno Cutie... Truth is, at the beginning I was more relaxed than now. There is

a lot in my mind. For starters, I can´t help but missing vanilla. I innitiated

"standard sex" but he turned it into domination, didn't feel bad but still... Isn't

it positive to practice both, depending on one's mood?



Soft limits and hard limits, aren´t they different for everyone? He wants to do

something other than spanking, use flogs and from there, canes, whips, belts. I

don't enjoy pain and it scares me that he wants to try that. :eek:


When we talked about what things were in the picture we each wrote a list.

Neither of us wrote anything that would cause me pain. It makes me sick to

know that he is willing to try that on me. I can´t help to think that he doesn't

care about me.



when we discussed the videos that contained pain pleasure games, we both

admitted being aroused. I told him I was not a masochist and he said he was

not a sadist. Now, I really don't know about him... what his motivations are...


I miss the old guy and the affection sometimes. He's become colder, at the

beginning I thought I was paranoid, then that he was trying to play the role

but I clearly see he's changed now. This will be out fourth year in a

relationship, so it's very possible that his sparkle is gone. Not me though, I am

still in love like a silly teenager. :eek:


Stella_Omega said:
What activities do you expect should be
orgasmic?

Were you coming before, using some other approach?


Let's see... "orgasmic" activities... :rolleyes: Nothing major, I suppose, hehe...

I get close while there is some spanking and bondage going on but it just

doesn´t happen, I start going down at some point , and, yeah, I

came having regular sex with him.


Thanks again, guys, for helping me to put this puzzle together
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
I congratulate you on making changes to your relationship using the best possible method: communication. That's not always the case, but because you started this with conversation, you can modify it and keep it on track with conversation as well.

Now, I sense that you may be taking your examples of what constitutes bdsm practce from stories and videos. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but it's important to understand one critical thing: what you read and see are 99.9% of the time one-time events and not scenes from long-term romantic relationships that are framed around a bdsm dynamic of some kind. Ask anyone who posts here who is in a long-term bdsm relationship and you'll find that everyone gets in some vanilla, cuddly warm sex from time to time. It's never just the whips and chains.
 
Maybe you aren't so much into BDSM. There is no shame in that, lots and lots of people prefer vanilla.
If that turns out to be true-- and he can't DO vanilla even some of the time-- then the two of you may be incompatible in some very fundamental ways. :( That's a thing worth knowing, however.
 
I'm not very experienced, but in the short time I've been enjoying more kinky sex I've experienced somewhat similar situations. At first I was curious and had a feeling being submissive was for me. I also had a period of time where I second guessed myself, too.

There was also some time where I was sure I wasn't masochistic. Turns out I'm very much into masochism.

My husband, who is not a dominant partner has taken on the role. Service top? Whatever, the labels just help make the picture. Anyway, he did get into the role a bit and sometimes, I think he forgot that we could still do vanilla things.

I think he also forgot that we could both enjoy the activities. It took several rounds of communication. We also give feed back afterwards to pinpoint problems and highlight what we liked. One thing we decided on was to give some things a try even if we thought we might not like it. Turns out, we liked some of those things.

Keep talking to him. If for some reason you both can't meet somewhere in the middle, maybe think about moving on. If you try some things and you don't like them, make sure you let him know right away. Also, if it turns out you really aren't into BDSM as much as you originally thought, that's ok! (^_-) I like warm, cuddly vanilla sex, too. It just depends on timing and how we both feel.

What you want matters. It's not fun if both parties involved aren't getting what they want or need.
 
A sub has to get something out of the relationship and be happy. If not, then you are on the wrong path. In order for it to properly work both he and you need to feel fulfilled. You need to talk about this with him but if his only response is his selfishness and his opinion is that as a sub you just have to accept what you get and that's it then you need to move on and find a new "boyfriend". Being a sub doesn't mean you have to settle for a relationship that doesn't make you happy and feel fulfilled.
 
subwannabe said:
A sub has to get something out of the relationship and be happy. If not, then you are on the wrong path. In order for it to properly work both he and you need to feel fulfilled. You need to talk about this with him but if his only response is his selfishness and his opinion is that as a sub you just have to accept what you get and that's it then you need to move on and find a new "boyfriend". Being a sub doesn't mean you have to settle for a relationship that doesn't make you happy and feel fulfilled.
Click to expand...

Quoted for truth. This is a concise and clear statement of the problem.
 
thank you all

Hey all, sorry about the delay, it seems I’m two months late, but I want you to

know that I read you all and really appreciate your sensible comments. I didn’t

post because I didn´t have much more to tell. I tried for a while, but

unfortunately, my relationship has not developed any further. Still want to

thank you all for taking an interest in my post.


So, yes, I have given up on him and we don’t live together anymore. Now I

don’t think his change had anything to do with BDSM though. He just became a

stranger to me for whatever reason, I truly don’t care now. Honest, I feel

relieved, I am in a better mood and I don´t spend my days worried all the time.

Sorry, I didn´t mean to turn this into an "ask Vicky" for advice column :eek:

I think I will keep exploring sexually when I’m ready, probably BDSM, cause

somehow I feel drawn to it but I would like to tell something to people who are

thinking about introducing this ingredient to “spice up” their relationship. I will

be very careful in the future, I think emotional security is a must, I mean, finding

someone who you are sure cares about you. Otherwise, it is a very bad idea to

start experimenting with this kind of thing. It is like trying to fix a net with a

hammer. Wrong tool…
 
newsubandtop said:
Hey all, sorry about the delay, it seems I’m two months late, but I want you to

know that I read you all and really appreciate your sensible comments. I didn’t

post because I didn´t have much more to tell. I tried for a while, but

unfortunately, my relationship has not developed any further. Still want to

thank you all for taking an interest in my post.


So, yes, I have given up on him and we don’t live together anymore. Now I

don’t think his change had anything to do with BDSM though. He just became a

stranger to me for whatever reason, I truly don’t care now. Honest, I feel

relieved, I am in a better mood and I don´t spend my days worried all the time.

Sorry, I didn´t mean to turn this into an "ask Vicky" for advice column :eek:

I think I will keep exploring sexually when I’m ready, probably BDSM, cause

somehow I feel drawn to it but I would like to tell something to people who are

thinking about introducing this ingredient to “spice up” their relationship. I will

be very careful in the future, I think emotional security is a must, I mean, finding

someone who you are sure cares about you. Otherwise, it is a very bad idea to

start experimenting with this kind of thing. It is like trying to fix a net with a

hammer. Wrong tool…
Click to expand...
I think you do have tendencies to BDSM, but maybe not the same ones your former boyfriend had. And it seemed like once he had your attention, he started going too fast with introducing the things he wanted to try, without asking for your opinion. I think maybe your reluctantly accepting his ideas maybe had him thinking you were OK with it all. But that is often the case with a submissive. They tend to let the dom control things and just go along with it.

You might be a submissive but you still have an opinion. It's all over now, but when he was bringing all sorts of things that he wanted to do into the relationship, he should have been more concerned that you were not having orgasms. That should have been a red flag to him that you were not enjoying things as much as he was. But, that's on him.

Also, many people like to go slow when trying something new. You seem like one of those and your former boyfriend was not. There are a lot of new emotions and sensations and inhibitions involved in trying something new. Keep that in mind, when you find another guy and attempt any more spicy sexual acts.

Make sure you speak your mind when something is suggested. You are 1/2 of a relationship. Sure, you can try something to see if you like it, but if you end up not liking it, say so. Communication is very important in any relationship. And that can be even more important in keeping your sex life something you both enjoy. After you experiment, you will have a list of things you both like doing. While it's OK to keep experimenting, that list should be refined down as your "go to" for mutual excitement. That means you BOTH have orgasms.

Edited to add:
Don't worry about the "ask Vicky" thing you mentioned. You are using this forum exactly for what it was intended. BDSM includes a wide variety of fetishes and kinks. And there are "how to" sites all over the place with different opinions on how something should be done and how you should act.

Here, we try to give several opinions to your question and it's up to you to decide what advice works best for you. We're all individuals so everything isn't going to work for everybody. That's why this forum format works well. So, asking the question is the correct thing to do.
 
Last edited:
Newsub: Sounds like you are a very smart person. My only advice is to not settle for BDSM and forget about a loving relationship. Some people on here who would really like both don't realize it is possible to have your cake and eat it to so they just settle for a BDSM relationship and forget about love.
 
Thank you all for support. It amazes me that there are people out there wanting to help as much as this community seems to do. I’m really sorry that I take so long to reply but I am often so overloaded with work there is simply no time for life :(

About love... hahaha I am sceptical, given the stage of life I’m going through. I guess it is very difficult to develop such a strong connection with someone and of course, it takes time and a huge amount of strength and I have neither of them right now :confused:

So, we’ll see. But of course, I wouldn’t like to find myself in a situation like the one I’ve just lived. :eek:

There are two red lines I have come up with in my learning process: The first one, never deny who you are, state your wishes out loud early in the relationship. The second, as I’ve mentioned before, don’t ever use sex to cover up or solve other problems. Address the subject with a clean sight or you won't see it at all until it beats you hard. I can think of a third one, actually :D - which is the only mistake I feel I didn´t make- don't settle for a relationship that doesn't make you happy. Of course, you'll go through a sense of lost at the beginning but then there is only relief and the satisfaction of being yourself and having acted accordingly to your true feelings. None of these are strictically bdsm related, sorry, I haven't got much advice about it yet :p

Anyway, looks like I should change my nickname now. Any suggestions? Hahaha
 
I want to think that I'm not as lost as I used to be, :D

Anyway, nicknames are irrelevant. Thank you all for your replies!
 
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