BDSM Test and Dislike of Labels

Having noticed how some here placed thier scores in their signature lines, I went over 'there' and tried the test for fun. The results got me thinking about labels and how useful they are, and at the same time how much I dislike them.

Being in a committed relationship with people that I have known about forever it seems, and having loved them before ever having had a sexual relationship with them, I am far more interested in them, than in the (really, really fun) parts God gave them.

So while l love their vaginas and their penises, the term Bi is somewhat inacuuruate I am not particuarly interested in other vaginas or penises (although yours is very nice). But, I guess its marginally better (more accurate) than straight or lesbian.

I really was shocked at my submissive score because I see myself as being very sexually submissive. But then I don't see anything either humiliating or degrading about being sexually submissive. I gave my body and soul to another 40 years ago. I would step off a cliff if he asked me to. (And I know he loves me and would never ask such a thing.)

To me a owning a loving submissive sexual partner is like owning a '66 Shelby Cobra, it's your's, it doesn't have a say in when or how you drive it. But it's also valuable, you don't just hand someone else the keys, you don't tear down a gravel road at 60 mph, you don't drive it without oil in the crankcase, or off of a cliff, or into a tree. You love it for what it is (and how it makes you feel when you are inside of it ;-)). You keep it in a nice garage, put hi-test gas in it, keep it in top condition. You gently suds it in warm water, and use pure Canuba wax applied with a clean cloth diaper.

While I enjoy the intensity of what is termed S and M, deSade's 'partners' in his writings were not willing ones, so that term is imperfect. While I generally call myself a masochist, there was a tremendous amount of degradation and humiliation in Sacher-Masoch's writing, which doesn't exactly fit either.

Maybe I just think about these things too much.

Lisa Ann

It is indeed a big tent, one with some truly dank and dark corners.

I wouldn’t worry about labels provided wherever you are works for you.

I like labels for myself. It helps me clarify things.

I haven't always cared about labels either. I thought they're far too general and at the same time too restrictive to really have any real use, but I've come around.

I don't think anybody can reasonably say that I'm XYZ and simply assume that the other person(s) in the conversation know exactly what that means. Labels are an excellent starting off point, but they alone without any further explanation or discussion are not enough.

It's perfectly fine to pick a label, call it your own and still not like everything that is generally considered a part of that label. And it's perfectly fine to pick a label and on top of that also like things that don't fit that particular box.

I see labels as a communication tool. As such they work magnificently well. They offer broad strokes, some sort of guide lines from which you can start to narrow it down and get to the details with your partner(s) with an actual conversation. Labels are the general outlines that allow you to color in a picture, or even color outside the lines if you and your partner so wish.

I can say that I'm a woman and when people hear that, they will have a general idea of what a woman is, but on top of that they have very specific expectations as well. I'm not everything that people associate with being a woman. I'm probably also things that many people don't associate with being a woman. And I'm still a woman. That's where talking and getting to know each other comes to play.

I apply the same logic to BDSM labels. The label is just there to help you communicate more efficiently, not a box you have to try to shove yourself into. Labels can also be very helpful in trying to come to terms with your own feelings, thoughts and likes.

And when it comes to the BDSM test, I doubt anybody takes it too seriously. It's just once again a general outline that you can use as a jumping off point in a discussion or as a tool to maybe learn something about yourself. If you don't feel like the score fits, it's no problem. If you do it does, great. But even if you do feel like the test score describes you to a T, it doesn't mean it's describing everything you are, even in that small, specific field. Broad strokes.

Lebels and tests, like the one you are talking about, are good for one thing - starting a conversation. You see a label that might be of interest to you, you see it combined with something, that you never though can be possibly combined in the same person. You ask. You get an answer that intrigues you even more. You two start talking. Who knows where that can lead, but you started from labels.

AnnieLit said:

Lebels and tests, like the one you are talking about, are good for one thing - starting a conversation. You see a label that might be of interest to you, you see it combined with something, that you never though can be possibly combined in the same person. You ask. You get an answer that intrigues you even more. You two start talking. Who knows where that can lead, but you started from labels.

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Of course, everybody is correct in this. Labels are good and they are also bad. Like AnnieLit says, they are a good starting point for a conversation. But, after that, they tend to be limiting unless you are a cookie cutter version of some dom or sub.

But, most of us aren't cookie cutter anything. While we might be a basic dom or sub in most ways, there's usually something we each are a bit quirky about. Some submissive women can have phobias about one thing or another and so their limits might be unorthodox from the bulk of many submissives.

And some could feel they are closer to being a masochist in some ways. Some doms might lean towards being a sadist in some areas and so saying they are a dom is a bit misleading.

None of this is bad at all, but it can be misleading, if you say you are a sub or a dom to a stranger. I guess you could say you are a sub...but not completely, or maybe a sub with some baggage. It just gets confusing, at some point.

Now, once you know somebody, a label is fine to use. But, if you are shopping around for a partner, you want to be able to have a method of description for them that explains your preferences in play.

Several years back, a former member here (Angelic Assassin) came up with the PYL/pyl system. PYL stands for pick your label. Capital letters stands for dominant and lower case stands for submissive. This system was created for this forum users when you didn't have a good idea of a label that fit you. And you could be talking about a group as a whole that didn't fit one label so this system works well in situations like that.

But, for me, I've found that labels can be limiting. I'm far from just a dom. I do have dominant tendencies, but I also can have some sadistic tendencies, too. If I were to search for a submissive, I'd be misrepresenting myself, if I said I was just a dom. Some submissives might not have any masochistic desires and to have a dom with sadistic desires could scare them away.

On the other side of the coin, someone who has masochistic desires in some areas might not be satisfied with just a dom. Many doms can have issues with beating a woman who enjoys pain just for the sake of the pain.

Sure, labels are a starting point, and for some, even the basic labels work fine. But many of us are twisted in other ways and so we need to communicate with prospective partners and explain things that labels can't.

So, ultimately, communication is always the best way to get your point across to a possible partner. It's all in matching each other Share your labels and share your limits. Share your desires and your quirks. Everybody should understand that BDSM is a very large category for things. It's up to us to hash through all of the different kinks and decide what we want and don't want. Actually, that experimenting can be kind of fun. It was for me.

Labels work well if everyone either agrees on what they mean, or understands that everyone else doesn't agree. I find these words like "submissive" and "play" useful for starting conversations with partners. But they are just starting points. The real world is too nuanced for much to be boiled down to a single word.

Ahh the 'rules'....

The written words, how things should be. How we should profess, suggest, dominate, and submit. And for what? To live someone else's version of your kinks?

Not this femboy. Or am I a sissy?


So... Drama aside, I'm a submissive, and occasional switch. I crossdress sometimes, not others. I sleep with men sometimes, and other times women, sometimes couples. I love sex, kink, roleplay, and specific 'scenes' with specific kinks involved.

I have the same love-hate relationship with the labels. They are so helpful in identifying kinks, but then I find some people expect the kink to follow specific guidelines instead of being more of a freestyled discovery between sexual beings.

I don't want to do what others have done and written the rulebooks on. I want to explore outside the boundaries of those rules. I want to mix and match.

Just random thoughts.

Test are fun, just to see what others think, sometimes its nice to discover stuff.
sissy is a sissy, the best label to fit, it is what She wants and sissy wants to be what She wants sissy to be.
Label and test are starting points, you do know that a round peg will fit in a square hole, it just has to be the right diameter to fit between the sides.

The mind is the greatest sexual part we have so no, I’d say you think about right Lisa ann

CuteSlaveLisa said:

Having noticed how some here placed thier scores in their signature lines, I went over 'there' and tried the test for fun. The results got me thinking about labels and how useful they are, and at the same time how much I dislike them.

Being in a committed relationship with people that I have known about forever it seems, and having loved them before ever having had a sexual relationship with them, I am far more interested in them, than in the (really, really fun) parts God gave them.

So while l love their vaginas and their penises, the term Bi is somewhat inacuuruate I am not particuarly interested in other vaginas or penises (although yours is very nice). But, I guess its marginally better (more accurate) than straight or lesbian.

I really was shocked at my submissive score because I see myself as being very sexually submissive. But then I don't see anything either humiliating or degrading about being sexually submissive. I gave my body and soul to another 40 years ago. I would step off a cliff if he asked me to. (And I know he loves me and would never ask such a thing.)

To me a owning a loving submissive sexual partner is like owning a '66 Shelby Cobra, it's your's, it doesn't have a say in when or how you drive it. But it's also valuable, you don't just hand someone else the keys, you don't tear down a gravel road at 60 mph, you don't drive it without oil in the crankcase, or off of a cliff, or into a tree. You love it for what it is (and how it makes you feel when you are inside of it ;-)). You keep it in a nice garage, put hi-test gas in it, keep it in top condition. You gently suds it in warm water, and use pure Canuba wax applied with a clean cloth diaper.

While I enjoy the intensity of what is termed S and M, deSade's 'partners' in his writings were not willing ones, so that term is imperfect. While I generally call myself a masochist, there was a tremendous amount of degradation and humiliation in Sacher-Masoch's writing, which doesn't exactly fit either.

Maybe I just think about these things too much.

Lisa Ann

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WOW! I could not agree more! It's not that I dislike the labels, but they don't always describe what I feel I am or about myself. Being a sub is embedded in my personality and throughout my life, sexual and everyday. I don't know how to explain it. It just is and it is what I feel most comfortable being owned like a classic car one can use as they wish, but there is always a care in their use. You said it so much better than I Lisa Ann. Thank you.

WARNING: This post uses numerous labels, proceed at your own risk!

This topic comes up quite often. To be honest, I'm perplexed by those who get bent out of shape over the word "label". Language is made up of "labels" (i.e. words), and without them communication would be crude at best—impossible most of the time.

Oh look, there's a "sidewalk" over there. That's not a "sidewalk", it's a "path". Oh you're right. "Sidewalks" are made of "concrete", not "dirt." (4 different labels in one short sentence

Is that a "man" or a "woman" on the beach down there? I can't say because I hate using labels like that

One that always brings a smile to my face is; I'm a "straight guy" that likes to suck cock. All to avoid the clear but apparently terrible label of; I'm "bisexual"

As has been well said above by others; Labels (i.e. words) enable us to communicate. Many human words lack the clarity we might wish for, but they get the conversation started. It's the digging deeper the clarifies what kind "human" (another damn label ) lies beneath the first impression.

In regard to the little online BDSM test; I found it to be pretty accurate in the upper percentile categories. Perfect, how could it be since it was so simplified? But it's not irrelevant or meaningless. It lets people who don't know me at all get a first impression of my personality. I could include other labels: my religion, my gender, my political party of choice—all these are labels that would further fill in the picture that is me.

Hopefully, this helps ease some of the angst about labels...they're actually pretty handy if you don't take the too seriously.

Atleast from a submissive side some mistake it for being week andnthats not the case

Snowbunnie12 said:

Atleast from a submissive side some mistake it for being week andnthats not the case

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Ignorant people make mistakes about all kinds of "labels". For example, some men think all women are weak...all men are dominant, etc. There's no way to stop ignorant people from having ignorant misunderstandings about the world around them. But take that same word; submissive, into a group of folks who are familiar with such dynamics and they would know there are many flavors of submissiveness...and would most likely understand it will take more discussion to fully understand you. It's a starting point though.

To abandon the words we use because the ignorant are unable to understand them would seem rather silly to me...better to abandon the ignorant ones.

yukonnights said:

Ignorant people make mistakes about all kinds of "labels". For example, some men think all women are weak...all men are dominant, etc. There's no way to stop ignorant people from having ignorant misunderstandings about the world around them. But take that same word; submissive, into a group of folks who are familiar with such dynamics and they would know there are many flavors of submissiveness...and would most likely understand it will take more discussion to fully understand you. It's a starting point though.

To abandon the words we use because the ignorant are unable to understand them would seem rather silly to me...better to abandon the ignorant ones.

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I'm not in a thoughtful mood re: labels. Just saw your name and thought I'd wander in and say hi!!!!

cookiecat said:

I'm not in a thoughtful mood re: labels. Just saw your name and thought I'd wander in and say hi!!!!

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And I'm glad you did ! I sincerely hope things have settled into a more relaxed state since the last time we chatted. I've been pretty busy doing fun things, and of late I've spent most of my time writing and on the Authors Forum. I need to visit over here more often ~

yukonnights said:

And I'm glad you did ! I sincerely hope things have settled into a more relaxed state since the last time we chatted. I've been pretty busy doing fun things, and of late I've spent most of my time writing and on the Authors Forum. I need to visit over here more often ~

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Hope you do drop by more often. Your point of view is always interesting!!

yukonnights said:

To abandon the words we use because the ignorant are unable to understand them would seem rather silly to me...better to abandon the ignorant ones.

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**standing ovation**
Well well said! I've been toying around with responding to this for a while... and posting something I wrote on the topic.
It is wordy, but what's new.

https://***************/document/d/1niA9EZIh7nd7SxGIs1zJ_2bhZzHMRM4Y1hEEcYWJBo4/edit?usp=sharing

I always hated labels until we discovered kink. Then they became useful. The real Problem is they have different meanings to everyone. Using them yourself or with like minded people is fine and dandy, but like anything else ignorance always screws things up for everyone.


If I used the term "Daddy" to explain my relationship with my wife to "Vanilla" people I would likely get reactions ranging from confusion to disgust.. but here most of you know exactly what I mean.

I don't mind labeling things or activities, I am much less keen on labeling people. Even when we label ourselves I feel like it can be restricting.

I have not taken the test, so perhaps this question is putting the cart before the horse. Doesn’t the test merely show whatever you have already experienced or been experienced too?

Can it show proclivities? Or possibly interest in?

it merely asks questions bout desires/likes. If you like to tie people up u are a rigger, if u liked to be tied up you are a rope bunny.

Do you like to be controlled or be in control? .. the questions are just answered on a scale of how much you would want something. What you are describing sounds more like a purity test.

SalvDali said:

it merely asks questions bout desires/likes. If you like to tie people up u are a rigger, if u liked to be tied up you are a rope bunny.

Do you like to be controlled or be in control? .. the questions are just answered on a scale of how much you would want something. What you are describing sounds more like a purity test.

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Hey - another person I haven't seen in a while!

Hi ya!

**record Scratch**

CuteSlaveLisa said:

To me a owning a loving submissive sexual partner is like owning a '66 Shelby Cobra, it's your's, it doesn't have a say in when or how you drive it. But it's also valuable, you don't just hand someone else the keys, you don't tear down a gravel road at 60 mph, you don't drive it without oil in the crankcase, or off of a cliff, or into a tree. You love it for what it is (and how it makes you feel when you are inside of it ;-)). You keep it in a nice garage, put hi-test gas in it, keep it in top condition. You gently suds it in warm water, and use pure Canuba wax applied with a clean cloth diaper.

Lisa Ann

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Labels Labels Labels *mind wanders to whats for dinner*.

**RECORD SCRATCH**

How has no one at all commented of the pièce de rèsistance of this post. That is the single best analogy of a sexual submissive I have ever seen, read, or heard! It perfectly exemplifies all the key characteristics of submissive, and translates it into a tangible analogy that is second to none. Bravo friend! You put to words exactly how I feel about someone who submits to me, and that's exactly how strive to take care of them. ...only for what it’s worth I’m going to drive it in the rain. Because I like being wet.

SalvDali said:

it merely asks questions bout desires/likes. If you like to tie people up u are a rigger, if u liked to be tied up you are a rope bunny.

Do you like to be controlled or be in control? .. the questions are just answered on a scale of how much you would want something. What you are describing sounds more like a purity test.

Click to expand...

I am not thinking purity test per se. but if you have never tied someone up, or never even thought abut it, it’s possible the test will skew the results. Or perhaps I desire to be tied up, but have never experienced it, and then when it does happen it isn’t what I thought it would be like.

I guess what I am saying is that it seems to me that the test is only helpful as a discussion starter for those that have already experienced the “activity”.

Stilllearning2b said:

I am not thinking purity test per se. but if you have never tied someone up, or never even thought abut it, it’s possible the test will skew the results. Or perhaps I desire to be tied up, but have never experienced it, and then when it does happen it isn’t what I thought it would be like.

I guess what I am saying is that it seems to me that the test is only helpful as a discussion starter for those that have already experienced the “activity”.

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I think you may have a point here. Going by my own results there were a few results I thought would be higher and a few that I was surprise to see as high as it rated my answers and I am a pretty experienced sub and been into BDSM for many years.