erotica_n_s
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Need advice on adjectives, adverbs, etc… (to avoid unintentional “comical-ness”…)
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Yeah, what ^ he said. There's no such thing as bad adjectives or bad words. Everything has a place. If it appeals to you and makes you hot, go for it. If you're just throwing in flowery words because they seem poetic, people will be able to tell. Your goal should be to create a feeling in the reader, whether that's you or a random stranger. Sometimes feeling can be created with very few words.
By the way, the thing that threw me off the most up there was that breasts don't swell. Not in that context, anyway. I think you meant the nipples were swelling. The image I had was of one of those weird animes with magical growing boobies.
By the way, the thing that threw me off the most up there was that breasts don't swell. Not in that context, anyway. I think you meant the nipples were swelling. The image I had was of one of those weird animes with magical growing boobies.
legerdemer
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As you asked the opinion of individual readers, I am giving you mine: too much.
I bolded the phrases that were the worst. Also, the second paragraph consists of one sentence, much too long and convoluted with too many clauses. That's not necessary - break it up, sharpen in, and you'll get more effect out of it.
Regarding erupt and flow, they are almost redundant - flow is implied to some extent in erupt, making flow unnecessary.
erotica_n_s
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legerdemer
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I'll amend one previous comment - as surrender can be a number of things, e.g. meek, reluctant, and others that are non-equivalent, I'd say "meekly surrendered" is fine, as it describes how she surrendered.
Good luck.
Good luck.
sr71plt
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I'll add to the original comment that different styles of writing have favor in different markets. The example flowery, wordy style given here is popular in the South Asian market. Not just from the avatar photo but also from previous questions the OP has asked on the forum over the years, I think he writes to the South Asian market--and thus, if he does, this style has an audience.
TxRad
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Good by whose standards. Mine? Yours? Pilots? The OP's?
People don't read the same shit you do and don't write the same way either. I read one Chandler novel way back when, wasn't impressed, and never read another.
Give it a rest, you're getting to be a broken record.
NOIRTRASH
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lovecraft68
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lovecraft68
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I'm with Mer
glorious sight of her resplendently nubile flesh
This would make me back click, way too much for me.
Put the thesaurus away and write in a way people actually think and speak, it has a better flow and reads easier and people can identify with basic over flowery speech.
Is this what they mean by 'purple prose?' Anyone?
glorious sight of her resplendently nubile flesh
This would make me back click, way too much for me.
Put the thesaurus away and write in a way people actually think and speak, it has a better flow and reads easier and people can identify with basic over flowery speech.
Is this what they mean by 'purple prose?' Anyone?
H
HandsInTheDark
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To each their own. I stopped at the first sentence, about where I ellipsed. It's like trying to walk through a garden where there's no path and you're constantly trying to avoid stepping on flowers. I had to make myself read the rest.
At which point I'd do some conversation.
As noted, some people will probably eat it up. But if you need this style, I'd look at
and she blushed helplessly, her face flushed a gloriously gorgeous sunset-red, as she meekly surrendered, a powerless spectator
I write more than my share of inexperienced, submissive females, and even I'd say you're overdoing the passivation here. Everyone blushes helplessly; it's not under conscious control. She doesn't need to be powerless AND meekly surrendered. One will do. But I think the worst issues is you're telling us, not showing us. Nervous, inexperienced women (which I take her to be) often talk, up to a point, and then fall completely silent.
"Georges, please, I... don't look at me like that. I've never... Please! Let go of my hair? I can't think! I'll do... Georges!"
lovecraft68
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elfin_odalisque
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sr is usually on the button but I think he short-changed you here.
Unless I don't understand your target audience, I think you overdo the adverbs and adjectives at the expense of the storyline.
oggbashan
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My problem with the OP is that many people don't enjoy longer, multi-clause sentences. They are used to Twitter.
Sitting down to read a Victorian Three-Decker Romance is hard work in the 21st Century. Most Lit stories are read on a screen, sometimes small hand-held screens, so shorter sentences, shorter paragraphs and more breaks work better than a wall of text.
But that is just MY opinion. There are readers who come to Literotica for almost every type of story. A few might like your prose but I don't think it would be popular.
Sitting down to read a Victorian Three-Decker Romance is hard work in the 21st Century. Most Lit stories are read on a screen, sometimes small hand-held screens, so shorter sentences, shorter paragraphs and more breaks work better than a wall of text.
But that is just MY opinion. There are readers who come to Literotica for almost every type of story. A few might like your prose but I don't think it would be popular.
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erotica_n_s
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erotica_n_s
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"She was not classically beautiful.
"And yet, she was undeniably very pleasing to look at.
.
Guys, I could use your help.
I've written this passage (linked, and also reproduced below). It describes a young woman, who is the protagonist of my story. The woman is ethnically from India.
The passage is roughly 400 words/25 sentences long.
I'd be grateful if someone could take a look, go through each sentence, each word, each punctuation mark, and provide suggestions/advice, etc.
I wonder if I might have used some words/terms too repetitively.
Feedback would be appreciated not only on the actual words/sentences, etc., but also on the "rhythm" of the sentences/paragraphs, etc. and the overall "feel"/"tone" of the passage.
I've written this passage (linked, and also reproduced below). It describes a young woman, who is the protagonist of my story. The woman is ethnically from India.
The passage is roughly 400 words/25 sentences long.
I'd be grateful if someone could take a look, go through each sentence, each word, each punctuation mark, and provide suggestions/advice, etc.
I wonder if I might have used some words/terms too repetitively.
Feedback would be appreciated not only on the actual words/sentences, etc., but also on the "rhythm" of the sentences/paragraphs, etc. and the overall "feel"/"tone" of the passage.
"She was not classically beautiful.
She was not very tall.
She was not wearing attire that could be described as “trendy”. She did not have her hair tied back in a ponytail.
She did not have eyelashes complimented by mascara. She did not have a face that glowed with foundation. She did not have lips that shimmered with gloss.
She did not have the slender frame of a ballet dancer.
She most certainly did not have the sleek sophistication of a supermodel.
She was not wearing attire that could be described as “trendy”. She did not have her hair tied back in a ponytail.
She did not have eyelashes complimented by mascara. She did not have a face that glowed with foundation. She did not have lips that shimmered with gloss.
She did not have the slender frame of a ballet dancer.
She most certainly did not have the sleek sophistication of a supermodel.
"And yet, she was undeniably very pleasing to look at.
Her skin had the delightfully rich colour of her South Asian heritage – the colour of luscious chocolate. A warm, glowing hue.
She was dressed in a magenta saree. It was a long, flowing costume. Decorated with subtle fern leaf and floral patterns, it was unassuming in design, yet elegant in style.
It gave her an assuredly decorous appearance. And this was also a costume that positively celebrated her femininity - the saree was draped around her form with such intimacy that it lovingly and properly flattered her curves.
She had these wide, heavy-lidded eyes, which were kind and gentle, but also seemed to glow with a dark, tantalising mystique.
Fulsome, warm cheeks. There was a rustic sensuousness to her downturned mouth and the bee-stung fullness of her lips.
Her sharp chin was quirky, yet very cute, with very little awkwardness. It was an adorable imperfection.
There was boundless kindness in that sincere, pure smile of hers.
A graceful neck, with elegant collarbones.
Like a rolling waterfall, her richly lustrous tresses flowed down over her shoulders, down to her elbows.
She had an earthy, richly sensual beauty.
And if she had a face that was a little unconventional in attractiveness, she had a body that was absolutely astounding in exquisiteness.
Although she stood only five feet and seven inches in height, she was still blessed with a curvaceous figure.
She was well-proportioned – breathtakingly well-proportioned.
She had a gloriously proud bosom that sat high upon her chest.
Even the upper halves of her breasts had a majestic fullness, haughtily taking their place rather quickly after her collarbones.
There was hypnotic grace in the slow, yet lively, rising and falling of her bosom with her breathing.
Her waifish waist led down into her lovely wide hip, and then her callipygian posterior. Her arms, her thighs and her lower legs complemented her hourglass silhouette perfectly.
The drape of her saree subtly accentuated her curves, giving her a statuesque beauty, like a Khajuraho sculpture.
In all, she was a very red-blooded woman, very much in the spring of her youth."
She was dressed in a magenta saree. It was a long, flowing costume. Decorated with subtle fern leaf and floral patterns, it was unassuming in design, yet elegant in style.
It gave her an assuredly decorous appearance. And this was also a costume that positively celebrated her femininity - the saree was draped around her form with such intimacy that it lovingly and properly flattered her curves.
She had these wide, heavy-lidded eyes, which were kind and gentle, but also seemed to glow with a dark, tantalising mystique.
Fulsome, warm cheeks. There was a rustic sensuousness to her downturned mouth and the bee-stung fullness of her lips.
Her sharp chin was quirky, yet very cute, with very little awkwardness. It was an adorable imperfection.
There was boundless kindness in that sincere, pure smile of hers.
A graceful neck, with elegant collarbones.
Like a rolling waterfall, her richly lustrous tresses flowed down over her shoulders, down to her elbows.
She had an earthy, richly sensual beauty.
And if she had a face that was a little unconventional in attractiveness, she had a body that was absolutely astounding in exquisiteness.
Although she stood only five feet and seven inches in height, she was still blessed with a curvaceous figure.
She was well-proportioned – breathtakingly well-proportioned.
She had a gloriously proud bosom that sat high upon her chest.
Even the upper halves of her breasts had a majestic fullness, haughtily taking their place rather quickly after her collarbones.
There was hypnotic grace in the slow, yet lively, rising and falling of her bosom with her breathing.
Her waifish waist led down into her lovely wide hip, and then her callipygian posterior. Her arms, her thighs and her lower legs complemented her hourglass silhouette perfectly.
The drape of her saree subtly accentuated her curves, giving her a statuesque beauty, like a Khajuraho sculpture.
In all, she was a very red-blooded woman, very much in the spring of her youth."
Readers' feedback would be welcome.
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SimonDoom
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A couple of comments. I'll say, first, you should be cautious of any advice I, or anyone else, gives you, because you need to write your way, not someone else's.
That said, I thought most of this quoted passage showed a better prose style than the first passage you posted two years ago. The use of adjectives and adverbs is more careful and on target.
That said, I do think you overdo the adverbs. You don't have to get rid of all of them, but you should go through the passage and get rid of some of them. When there are too many adverbs, it makes the reader wonder why you can't find the right verb or adjective to do without an adverb to dress it up.
For instance "assuredly" is unnecessary before "decorous." It's basically the same as writing "very." Avoid "very." Get rid of all the "verys" in your passage. If it seems too bare then find a better adjective or verb.
About halfway through, you use "richly" in back to back sentences. I wouldn't use it in either, but get rid of it in one, at least.
With adverbs you need to be very careful that they really do modify the verb or adjective, and that they don't describe something that, if you think about it hard, makes no sense or seems like too much of a stretch. For instance "haughtily taking their place" is an awkward phrase about breasts, because breasts don't move around. And can a breast do something "haughtily"?
A way to avoid adverbs is to use different kinds of figurative or descriptive language. Instead of describing breasts as "haughtily taking their place" which imputes an action to them that they can't really do, say something about the breasts like "swelled beneath her collar bones with a haughty demeanor." Breasts can swell. And "swell" can be at least loosely connected with the word "haughty."
You can avoid adjectives and adverbs by relying on verbs, or similes or metaphors. Instead of "breathtakingly proportioned", write "proportioned like a ________________ [insert something]."
Regarding the first part, I would suggest trying to replace "she was" and "she did not have" with a series of active verbs in the past tense. Something like this:
She lacked classic beauty. She stood under ___ five feet tall. She wore no trendy attire.
I didn't get the ponytail comment, because I don't think of a ponytail as going with classic beauty or a supermodel. Say how her hair DID appear. Or get rid of the line about the ponytail.
Get rid of "most certainly". A junk phrase. It's basically "very."
Get rid of "these" before "wide." What does "these" mean? "These" instead of those?
Just a few ideas.
That said, I thought most of this quoted passage showed a better prose style than the first passage you posted two years ago. The use of adjectives and adverbs is more careful and on target.
That said, I do think you overdo the adverbs. You don't have to get rid of all of them, but you should go through the passage and get rid of some of them. When there are too many adverbs, it makes the reader wonder why you can't find the right verb or adjective to do without an adverb to dress it up.
For instance "assuredly" is unnecessary before "decorous." It's basically the same as writing "very." Avoid "very." Get rid of all the "verys" in your passage. If it seems too bare then find a better adjective or verb.
About halfway through, you use "richly" in back to back sentences. I wouldn't use it in either, but get rid of it in one, at least.
With adverbs you need to be very careful that they really do modify the verb or adjective, and that they don't describe something that, if you think about it hard, makes no sense or seems like too much of a stretch. For instance "haughtily taking their place" is an awkward phrase about breasts, because breasts don't move around. And can a breast do something "haughtily"?
A way to avoid adverbs is to use different kinds of figurative or descriptive language. Instead of describing breasts as "haughtily taking their place" which imputes an action to them that they can't really do, say something about the breasts like "swelled beneath her collar bones with a haughty demeanor." Breasts can swell. And "swell" can be at least loosely connected with the word "haughty."
You can avoid adjectives and adverbs by relying on verbs, or similes or metaphors. Instead of "breathtakingly proportioned", write "proportioned like a ________________ [insert something]."
Regarding the first part, I would suggest trying to replace "she was" and "she did not have" with a series of active verbs in the past tense. Something like this:
She lacked classic beauty. She stood under ___ five feet tall. She wore no trendy attire.
I didn't get the ponytail comment, because I don't think of a ponytail as going with classic beauty or a supermodel. Say how her hair DID appear. Or get rid of the line about the ponytail.
Get rid of "most certainly". A junk phrase. It's basically "very."
Get rid of "these" before "wide." What does "these" mean? "These" instead of those?
Just a few ideas.
Bramblethorn
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I agree with most of Simon's comments. "She had these wide eyes" would be fine in a more colloquial context, e.g. a guy down at the pub talking to his friend about the girl he just saw, but it doesn't fit the voice of this passage.
Some more nitpicking - mostly minor issues, but since you asked for feedback:
Could just be "She was not wearing trendy attire" without losing anything, IMHO.
Describing non-white skin in terms of food (usually foods beginning with 'c') is a bit of a cliché. In the case of "chocolate" it's more of a statement of attraction than a real description, since "chocolate" covers such a wide range of colours:
Should be "complemented": https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/usage/complement-or-compliment
Also, putting the qualifier after the "not" is awkward phrasing. It's not wrong, grammatically speaking, but it impedes the flow of the sentence a little - readers start parsing the sentence before they get to the end, and in this case the structure changes the meaning of things that have already been parsed. (In other words, you start out saying "She did not have eyelashes..." and then end up with "actually she did have eyelashes, but not with mascara on them"). The next two sentences have the same issue.
I'd recast to avoid that, e.g.: "She wore no mascara on her eyelashes. She wore no foundation on her face. She wore no gloss on her lips", or even just "She wore no mascara, no foundation, no gloss".
"Fulsome" is a tricky word. It can mean either "generous" or "excessive, cloying, insincere", and a lot of people only accept the latter meaning - see discussion at https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/fulsome. Unless you enjoy getting caught up in arguments about descriptive vs. prescriptive philosophies of language, probably better just to use "full" here.
The "it was X, yet Y" structure implies that X and Y might be expected to be incompatible: "it was cold, yet he was sweating", "she was tall, yet she wore child-sized shoes". That doesn't fit here, since there's no incompatibility between "quirky" and "cute".
This, and the "fulsome cheeks" passage above, are sentence fragments. I've got no issue with sentence fragments in erotica, and I use them pretty often myself, but they don't feel consistent with the general voice of this passage. Everywhere else, you're using a more formal style of English, and fragments don't fit with that style IMHO.
Another here where the structure implies attributes in opposition, but "short" and "curvy" aren't really opposed characteristics.
Also, "only five feet seven" feels odd, because in most parts of the world that would make her taller than the female average.
The second sentence feels very weak here. You've already told us that her breasts are big and high-placed. Now you're telling us that the top halves of her breasts are also big and high-placed; it's redundant, and for me a little over-specific.
I can't visualise what "slow, yet lively" is intended to mean here.
Should be "hips".
Some more nitpicking - mostly minor issues, but since you asked for feedback:
Could just be "She was not wearing trendy attire" without losing anything, IMHO.
Describing non-white skin in terms of food (usually foods beginning with 'c') is a bit of a cliché. In the case of "chocolate" it's more of a statement of attraction than a real description, since "chocolate" covers such a wide range of colours:
Should be "complemented": https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/usage/complement-or-compliment
Also, putting the qualifier after the "not" is awkward phrasing. It's not wrong, grammatically speaking, but it impedes the flow of the sentence a little - readers start parsing the sentence before they get to the end, and in this case the structure changes the meaning of things that have already been parsed. (In other words, you start out saying "She did not have eyelashes..." and then end up with "actually she did have eyelashes, but not with mascara on them"). The next two sentences have the same issue.
I'd recast to avoid that, e.g.: "She wore no mascara on her eyelashes. She wore no foundation on her face. She wore no gloss on her lips", or even just "She wore no mascara, no foundation, no gloss".
"Fulsome" is a tricky word. It can mean either "generous" or "excessive, cloying, insincere", and a lot of people only accept the latter meaning - see discussion at https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/fulsome. Unless you enjoy getting caught up in arguments about descriptive vs. prescriptive philosophies of language, probably better just to use "full" here.
The "it was X, yet Y" structure implies that X and Y might be expected to be incompatible: "it was cold, yet he was sweating", "she was tall, yet she wore child-sized shoes". That doesn't fit here, since there's no incompatibility between "quirky" and "cute".
This, and the "fulsome cheeks" passage above, are sentence fragments. I've got no issue with sentence fragments in erotica, and I use them pretty often myself, but they don't feel consistent with the general voice of this passage. Everywhere else, you're using a more formal style of English, and fragments don't fit with that style IMHO.
Another here where the structure implies attributes in opposition, but "short" and "curvy" aren't really opposed characteristics.
Also, "only five feet seven" feels odd, because in most parts of the world that would make her taller than the female average.
The second sentence feels very weak here. You've already told us that her breasts are big and high-placed. Now you're telling us that the top halves of her breasts are also big and high-placed; it's redundant, and for me a little over-specific.
I can't visualise what "slow, yet lively" is intended to mean here.
Should be "hips".
ElectricBlue
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I would get rid of the first section, all the things she's not. If she's not like those women, why describe them? I get that you making a comparison of Indian beauty with WASP ideals, but it's a bit laboured. Just write her Indian beauty, you don't need to apologise for her cultural differences.
I agree with Simon, lose some of the adverbs. They become the narrator's commentary on the attribute - but you could let the attributes rest on their own strengths. It's a tad overwritten, I think, but a light purple, not a royal purple
.
I agree with Simon, lose some of the adverbs. They become the narrator's commentary on the attribute - but you could let the attributes rest on their own strengths. It's a tad overwritten, I think, but a light purple, not a royal purple
.
erotica_n_s
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I wrote this before I read the last two comments - from Bramblethorn and Electricblue66:
I’m grateful for the feedback.
I appreciate the time taken to read through, and comment on, the passage I posted earlier.
I accept the points made.
I understand that there are some adverbs/adjectives here that I should probably get rid of, and I understand there are some adjectives/adverbs that could be replaced by other adverbs/adjectives, or with similes or metaphors, etc. I'd be most grateful for suggestions on the actual words/phrases that could be used instead?
Incidentally, “She was not classically beautiful…” is my way of saying “I think she’s sexy, although I have a feeling not many people would agree with me on that”.
I was thinking of a woman that looks like this, with a body like this, so she looks maybe like this.
The woman in the first and third images is Konkona Sen Sharma, who is an actress, writer, and director, in India. My female protagonist looks like Ms Sharma, however, the character does not represent a fictionalised version of Ms Sharma. My female protagonist is named Priya and is not intended to have anything in common with Ms Sharma other than her facial appearance.
I don’t know the name of the fine art photography model in the second image. I think the model has a gorgeous figure, especially her waist-to-hip ratio, which is truly divine, however, while she certainly has shapely breasts, there is some space between her collarbones and her breasts, and the upper halves of her breasts seem a little “sloping”. I think my female protagonist has breasts that are just a little higher in position, with just a little more “fullness”, and that’s what my description (“haughtily taking their place just after her collarbones…”, i.e., there was relatively little space between her collarbones and her breasts) was intended to convey. If it sounds comical, I’ll have to try a different description.
Again, folks, thanks for taking the time to read through and comment.
Further feedback would be welcome.
.
I wrote this before I read the last two comments - from Bramblethorn and Electricblue66:
I’m grateful for the feedback.
I appreciate the time taken to read through, and comment on, the passage I posted earlier.
I accept the points made.
I understand that there are some adverbs/adjectives here that I should probably get rid of, and I understand there are some adjectives/adverbs that could be replaced by other adverbs/adjectives, or with similes or metaphors, etc. I'd be most grateful for suggestions on the actual words/phrases that could be used instead?
Incidentally, “She was not classically beautiful…” is my way of saying “I think she’s sexy, although I have a feeling not many people would agree with me on that”.
I was thinking of a woman that looks like this, with a body like this, so she looks maybe like this.
The woman in the first and third images is Konkona Sen Sharma, who is an actress, writer, and director, in India. My female protagonist looks like Ms Sharma, however, the character does not represent a fictionalised version of Ms Sharma. My female protagonist is named Priya and is not intended to have anything in common with Ms Sharma other than her facial appearance.
I don’t know the name of the fine art photography model in the second image. I think the model has a gorgeous figure, especially her waist-to-hip ratio, which is truly divine, however, while she certainly has shapely breasts, there is some space between her collarbones and her breasts, and the upper halves of her breasts seem a little “sloping”. I think my female protagonist has breasts that are just a little higher in position, with just a little more “fullness”, and that’s what my description (“haughtily taking their place just after her collarbones…”, i.e., there was relatively little space between her collarbones and her breasts) was intended to convey. If it sounds comical, I’ll have to try a different description.
Again, folks, thanks for taking the time to read through and comment.
Further feedback would be welcome.
.
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