First Erotica Story. I’d Love to Know What You Think

Hi, I’m Alexi and my first attempt at writing an erotic short story has gone up on the site. It’s called ‘A Bimbo is Born’, and it’s in the fetish’s category (here’s the link: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-bimbo-is-born?page=2). It’s a bimbofication story (which I know is quite niche), and I did try and make it as entertaining, sexy, and readable as possible. As a first time writer on the site I know it won’t be perfect but I’d love some feedback just to know what worked for people and what didn’t. I am hopeful people will like it and will enjoy other bimbo related stories I’m currently working on. Love to know your thoughts.

Alexi

I thought the writing was good. To me, you had a strong vision of the story you wanted to tell and I thought you did a good job of laying it out. But it wasn't a topic that interested me.

Hey, Alexi! Not much to add to 8letters feedback except to echo the praise. Nice job! I wasn’t familiar with bimbofication before reading your story, and I don’t think the genre will turn out to be my cup of tea. But that aside, I thought the writing was very clear and your approach was clever. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a fast favorite among bimbofication readers

It's a weird fetish, and I don't know how many people share it, but I thought you did a good job. Your storytelling skills are good so I hope you keep writing stories. I have two main comments, one substantive and one more mechanical.


As I read your story I questioned the decision to have her brain bimbo-ized as well as her body. By completely transforming her into a bimbo inside as well as out you eliminate the process of character transformation that, to me, would have made it a more dramatic story. I think it would have been more interesting if Gwen was left the same inside and had to come to terms with her transformation and ultimately choose to be a bimbo, rather than have that choice foisted on her by others. But this is a fundamental story choice and you have the right to take the story in whatever direction you want. I thought you did well with the choice that you made.

I thought your writing, in general, was good, but there are some things you could do to make it better:

1. Some of your paragraphs are too long. Some of them are WAY too long. Many Lit readers are reading stories on phones and tablets, so shorter paragraphs are better so they don't confront massive walls of unbroken text. You should break them apart.

2. You have not mastered the mechanics of dialogue and punctuation, and I recommend that you review some style guides on dialogue. Some readers don't care; I find it very distracting. An example:

"I liked how I looked." She protested.

This should be:

"I liked how I looked," she protested.

Because you use "protested" as a dialogue tag, not narrative. Contrast this with:

"I liked how I looked." She frowned in protest.

In the first instance you would end the quote with a comma, in the second with a period. It may seem subtle but it makes the difference between writing like you really know what you're doing and writing in a more obviously amateurish way.

The problem I pointed out arises many times in this story.

SimonDoom said:

As I read your story I questioned the decision to have her brain bimbo-ized as well as her body. By completely transforming her into a bimbo inside as well as out you eliminate the process of character transformation that, to me, would have made it a more dramatic story. I think it would have been more interesting if Gwen was left the same inside and had to come to terms with her transformation and ultimately choose to be a bimbo, rather than have that choice foisted on her by others.

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Those were my feeling too. There couldn't have been a little more transition between bimbo on the outside, and then suddenly bimbo on inside. It was skipped over to quickly in my opinion. We see the results, but the transition would've been equally interesting.

All that said, I've never read bimboification stories.

The writing? I thought it was quite well done. I was hooked from the first paragraph. That doesn't happen often with first stories.

Maeven_quinn said:

Those were my feeling too. There couldn't have been a little more transition between bimbo on the outside, and then suddenly bimbo on inside. It was skipped over to quickly in my opinion. We see the results, but the transition would've been equally interesting.

All that said, I've never read bimboification stories.

The writing? I thought it was quite well done. I was hooked from the first paragraph. That doesn't happen often with first stories.

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I’m glad you enjoyed it even if bumbofication fiction isn’t your thing. I did put a lot of effort into it and I do hope that my work will convert a few people into bimbofication readers.
I have taken other people’s comments on board and will cut for the paragraphs and try find an editor to help me next time. It’s my first attempt so I’m just glad it wasn’t a total disaster. I hope some people found it sexy at least!