Branching out...need truth bombs.

What up? Been reading lit for about 16 years and started writing awhile back due to some life stress and needed an outlet. I was interested in celeb fan fiction and started there but I started liking this for the idea of getting better and branching out into original characters. Also, I write erotica like I would want to read it and that is basically ‘cum and go’ and stories are on the short side.

So, this is an erotic horror story about a man who saved up all of his work earnings one year to pay for a prostitute and finally lose his virginity.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-with-brandi

If you read it, thanks for taking the time out of your day.

Hi Newcomer
I enjoyed your story. Found it easy to read and it flowed nicely. The writing was consistently good. The characters'were also likeable. All in all a nicely written piece

I read a little bit if it, but didn't finish. Is the horror derived from Brandi's surprise dick?

AwkwardMD said:

I read a little bit if it, but didn't finish. Is the horror derived from Brandi's surprise dick?

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It's not, but I spent most of the story thinking the same thing, and almost stopped reading for that reason. The whole "transgender women are predators looking to trick straight men into gay sex" trope is overplayed and it kills people.

Spoiler: in the end, it turns out Brandi is some kind of futa-demon who turns Daniel into another of her own kind. Still a little close to the aforementioned trope for my liking, but in the end the horror is derived from the supernatural aspect, rather than from the "woman with a dick" element.

Now, if you're Stephen King, you can write a story that has an entire chapter of mundane stuff happening before the supernatural horror starts, and people still know it's going to turn into horror because Stephen King. But if you're a new writer on Literotica, starting that way risks having your readers distracted by thoughts like "is this a TS/CD story that got put in the wrong category by mistake?" or "does this author think the existence of trans women counts as Erotic Horror?"

As an author, you probably don't want that. Having your readers thinking about "what is the author doing here?" breaks immersion. For that reason, it might be better to give them some reassurance up-front that, yes, this is Erotic Horror and there's going to be magic in it.

An author's note is one way to do this, but it's better to foreshadow in-story if you can. A few quick examples of how it could be done:

- mention that the date is Halloween, or Friday 13th, or a full moon
- mention that Brandi works for "A Touch of Magic" escort agency or some such
- "for a moment he thought her eyes looked weird, like a [pick animal here], but he blinked and when he looked again, they were normal - must have imagined it"

Customise as required. Some of these are a bit trope-y in their own right, but it's probably the lesser of evils.

Another thing to think about is how Brandi is described. I counted seven times where her skin is described as "chocolate". Her breasts are both "dark chocolate" and "warm amber", and her midsection/abs are "creamy chocolate". Her hair is "pineapple".

Two issues here: (1) some of these metaphors are inconsistent ("dark chocolate" is very different to "creamy" or "amber") and (2) almost all of them are food-based. Describing non-white people in terms of food has become a cliché, and some folk find it objectionable. Perhaps look a bit further afield for colour descriptors.

Bramblethorn said:

Describing non-white people in terms of food has become a cliché, and some folk find it objectionable. Perhaps look a bit further afield for colour descriptors.

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Thank you for sharing that interesting article. In My Fall and Rise I described Dwight as "the color of pecans", which the author doesn't find objectionable, but does advise using cautiously. I purposefully avoided the chocolate/cocoa thing because it just seemed problematic to me.

That one reference (and one fairly oblique comment from Dwight about "white girls" attitudes) is the only time i referenced his color. Because it didn't matter.

Bramblethorn said:

"does this author think the existence of trans women counts as Erotic Horror?"

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That was where I got stuck.

Like AMD, I didn't get through the story.

You lost me on the premise that a guy would put a big chunk of his income into buying a girl off the internet, flying her to his location, and putting her into a hotel room, all so he could tell his gamer pals that he lost his virginity.

So here's a funny thing...

A few hours ago, AwkwardMD and I both got anon comments on our stories.

Mine: https://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=1313279

3 star

~Work on your dialogue.
~A story within a story, tired & cliche, used by people who think they are writing a sophisticated & meaningful piece of literature. It takes a special talent to pull it off.
~It was readable.
~Your writing lacked something. As if you're too analytical to be creative. Pedantic. I didn't feel any life in your words. It's written by someone who thinks this is what good writing is supposed to be instead of just writing.
~I gave it 3 star.

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AMD's: https://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=1956581

SMH

Your overuse of adverbs shows your lack of creativity. I cringed whenever I cam across them. I even played a little game. Which adverb will the author use next? Don't quit your day job.

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and https://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=968365

Not good.

You don't put words together well. It makes the reading awkward. Is that the reason for the name? I forced myself to read the first page. Not interesting on top of sentences that don't flow well. I won't rate the story.

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From textual and other evidence, I'm satisfied that these are all from the same person. Presumably they're a reaction to our posts on this thread, given that it's the only place AMD and I have both been visible recently.

I'm happy to cop genuine criticism on my stories - indeed, I think I posted "Copper Coin" on this very forum a few years back, when it was fresh - but given the vagueness of the feedback, I have some doubts about whether the commenter really read all 17 pages of the stories they were responding to. It feels more like sniping because somebody didn't like what we had to say here.

OP, if you do want feedback here on future stories, you may wish to discourage your fans from that kind of behaviour.

Oof, "Truth Bombs" can be devastating.

Sorry. I gave up at page one. Didn't seem plausible and you kept changing tenses.

At work at the moment but got a minute to do a blanket reply. I wasn’t expecting this kind of turn out in the comment section. Not liking my stories is one thing and I’m an older person who has seen some shit, so I take everything that is said and I either take it and use it or move on. Im neutral no matter what.

The last thing I thought would happen is a fan of mine fighting on my behalf. I hope that no one is putting down other authors and is a fan of mine. If you are, just don’t. I never came here for that. I can take every thing this forum can throw at me without putting down others. If they don’t like the story, I am perfectly ok with that.

Bramblethorn said:

A few hours ago, AwkwardMD and I both got anon comments on our stories.

Mine: https://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=1313279



AMD's: https://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=1956581



and https://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=968365



From textual and other evidence, I'm satisfied that these are all from the same person. Presumably they're a reaction to our posts on this thread, given that it's the only place AMD and I have both been visible recently.

I'm happy to cop genuine criticism on my stories - indeed, I think I posted "Copper Coin" on this very forum a few years back, when it was fresh - but given the vagueness of the feedback, I have some doubts about whether the commenter really read all 17 pages of the stories they were responding to. It feels more like sniping because somebody didn't like what we had to say here.

OP, if you do want feedback here on future stories, you may wish to discourage your fans from that kind of behaviour.

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So, after looking at AMDs story comments, they think I’m leaving the comments? Seeing as how there is no way to prove it isn’t me, I can’t even defend myself. I didn’t know I had fans because no one really comments on my work, hence me posting here to get exposure. I guess that was a mistake because we are in a crappy loop of users, anon or otherwise, putting us against each other.

Not sure what to do at this point, but I appreciate all the comments good and bad. Thanks.

I have seen troll behaviour on other sites and usually wouldn't expect fans to behave this way. It is more likely to be a troll looking to stir up trouble between the writers. Best thing we can do is to ignore the trolls they are not worth it

TheNewcomer said:

So, after looking at AMDs story comments, they think I’m leaving the comments?

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I didn't read AMD's response that way, FWIW.

FWIW, I don't think it is you. The anon has a few telltales that don't match your style, though for obvious reasons I'm not going to name them.

You haven't written horror here. You've written a story about a character who has sex with a trans woman/futa and that story, at times, touches on themes of first time, cuckoldry, interracial, femdom, (possibly) inflation, and (possibly) hyper proportions. This is the part of your story that matters, because it's the part that has continuity and internal logic. It is brief but intense, with very graphic imagery. It's powerful.

Then you stapled on a twist ending that is incongruous to the rest of the story. It comes out of nowhere and connects with nothing. Horror is like cooking frogs. If you turn up the heat all at once, the frog will jump out of the water. In this metaphor, the frog is the readers suspension of disbelief.
One must raise the temperature slowly to build an environment for the horror, which you did not do.

Here is something that does something similar to what you tried, with better results.

There are hundreds if not thousands of elements in any given story. A degree of success can be measured by seeing how many of those elements were used in concert with the goals, intentions, and themes of the overall piece. The tense, which shifts present to past to present and back again, is an element that works against you because it was done in a flawed way. Present tense might have been a slightly stronger choice over past tense had you done it consistently, but only by a slim margin and not enough to make one choice or the other clear and correct.

The story being written in third person is a flaw. Yes, horror stories can be written in third person, but third person stories take longer to generate strong emotional ties between the characters and the reader. You wanted to write something short and immediate, and given that criteria first person would have been the superior choice.

The dialog was strong when you weren't getting in your own way. You have an ear for dialog, and you should do everything in your power to cultivate that because it is hard. When you crammed your otherwise strong dialog with hammy, interracial badgering, it undermined how effortlessly your other lines flowed.

Everything in writing is a tool. Every element, every choice, every component. Picking the right tool to get a job done is a skill that takes time to cultivate. You could use a tire jack to lift your couch so you can vacuum underneath it. You could use a 5 kg mallet to knock in a nail for hanging a picture. You could use a flathead screwdriver to turn a phillips head screw, or use an English socket on a metric bolt.

The readers that you want to reach will recognize when you succeed at this. Genre fans will notice the little things you did right and appreciate the hard work you put in. That's the reward for doing it right, and it is an entirely satisfying experience when it happens.

AwkwardMD said:

You haven't written horror here. You've written a story about a character who has sex with a trans woman and that story, at times, touches on themes of cuckoldry, interracial, femdom, (possibly) inflation, and (possibly) hyper proportions. This is the part of your story that matters, because it's the part that has continuity and internal logic. It is brief but intense, with very graphic imagery. It's powerful.

Then you stapled on a twist ending that is incongruous to the rest of the story. It comes out of nowhere and connects with nothing. Horror is like cooking frogs. If you turn up the heat all at once, the frog will jump out of the water. In this metaphor, the frog is the readers suspension of disbelief.
One must raise the temperature slowly to build an environment for the horror, which you did not do.

Here is something that does something similar to what you tried, with better results.

There are hundreds if not thousands of elements in any given story. A degree of success can be measured by seeing how many of those elements were used in concert with the goals, intentions, and themes of the overall piece. The tense, which shifts present to past to present and back again, is an element that works against you because it was done in a flawed way. Present tense might have been a slightly stronger choice over past tense had you done it consistently, but only by a slim margin and not enough to make one choice or the other clear and correct.

The story being written in third person is a flaw. Yes, horror stories can be written in third person, but third person stories take longer to generate strong emotional ties between the characters and the reader. You wanted to write something short and immediate, and given that criteria first person would have been the superior choice.

The dialog was strong when you weren't getting in your own way. You have an ear for dialog, and you should do everything in your power to cultivate that because it is hard. When you crammed your otherwise strong dialog with hammy, interracial badgering, it undermined how effortlessly your other lines flowed.

Everything in writing is a tool. Every element, every choice, every component. Picking the right tool to get a job done is a skill that takes time to cultivate. You could use a tire jack to lift your couch so you can vacuum underneath it. You could use a 5 kg mallet to knock in a nail for hanging a picture. You could use a flathead screwdriver to turn a phillips head screw, or use an English socket on a metric bolt.

The readers that you want to reach will recognize when you succeed at this. Genre fans will notice the little things you did right and appreciate the hard work you put in. That's the reward for doing it right.

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I agree with AwkwardMD's entertaining and very well written advice. "Horror is like cooking frogs." That's wonderful. I agree with that 100%.

A little foreshadowing would help. A twist ending only works when it's both unexpected AND consistent with the rest of the story. It's tricky to make it both. The way to do it is to lace your story with hints and clues that aren't too obvious. The first clue should be near the beginning.

Tense shifting is nails on a chalkboard to me. It's easy to avoid if you pay attention but it's very common for Lit authors not to pay attention. I see this all the time. Put the avoidance of it on your automatic checklist of things to review before submitting a story.

SimonDoom said:

Tense shifting is nails on a chalkboard to me. It's easy to avoid if you pay attention but it's very common for Lit authors not to pay attention. I see this all the time. Put the avoidance of it on your automatic checklist of things to review before submitting a story.

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What he says. Simon rightly called me out on tense shifting, which I didn't realise I'd done, in one of my most successful stories. On the other hand, he was the only person (and it's my most commented story) to comment on this, so that tells me something too. Don't give him chalk .

But, having had it pointed out, I now catch it immediately it's written, and have just about stopped doing it. Having had it drawn to my attention, I now notice it in many published for money writers too, which I find quite amusing. I should write them all down on a chalkboard, and send it to Simon, "Don't read these guys, you'll only get annoyed."

This is all good stuff. Thank you AMD, Simon and Blue.