Requesting feedback for my first story.

-Edit December 28, 2016-

Hi everyone,

I have rewritten the story, appreciate any feedback.

The Blackmail

The content is pretty much still the same, a non-con and rough play.

A Damn good story

Especially from a first time writer. There were a few minor errors, but none were serious enough to interrupt the flow of the story.

I am looking forward to part 2.

Ya done good girl.

Mike

I think you're off to a solid start. It's already better constructed than many stories I've read by "non-professional" authors. I'm interested enough to want to continue reading, despite it not being my typical sub-genre of choice. That says something positive about your writing, I'd argue...

It doesn't feel like a first time submission to me from a writer, either. I've read much, much worse from writers who have written lots of stories.

Simply my opinion, and my opinion only, Julie accepts her fate with a little less trepidation than I would have expected. But her personal history leads you to believe that she might be more ready to accept such a situation than I would to begin with, so it doesn't really take away from the story much at all.

Good work!

Work on your first sentence, it needs to hook people more. You have a solid story, but need to work on the grammar. Running (the non-sex scene parts of) your story through a free text editor (like paperrater) can make a huge difference. Your grammar improves as the story goes on.

Personally, I like lots of build-up. For example, you could have shown the original interview. I would like to know more about Dana Stone (what makes her tick, how did she feel when she found the pictures? Did she masturbate to them?). However, that is just nit-picking. You have lots of rough non-con sex, done well.

For a first story it's very good. There are a few unfortunate typos just as the story gets interesting - "a ting", "in from of me". Do read carefully yourself and get someone else to read. Don't rely on spellcheck software!

I thought it was very well written but couldn't finish it because I'm a huge pussy and can't handle the non-con stuff. Your style is straightforward without seeming bland. Take it from a chronic over-writer...that's a gift. I hope you find yourself drawn to write something a bit more vanilla so I can enjoy it.
-E

SilenceDances has a great point about the first sentence. When writing in first person, opening lines/paragraphs are like first impressions. It’s an opportunity to give us a taste of who the narrator is. Don't let it go to waste.

I have a personal preference for appearance/clothing descriptions that are woven into the story, when possible. Create a plausible reason for why the character is being described, or work their appearance in piece by piece (e.g. “As he extended his hand to shake mine, I admired the way his muscles bulged under his pale shirt”). The part where Julie remarks on how she looks in the window’s reflection definitely felt more natural than Dana’s and Richard’s descriptions in the beginning of the story.
I try to follow my own rule as often as possible, but there are times when I just want to wax poetic on the hotness of a guy

Anal is not my favorite, but the scene was well-written and hot, so kudos there
I hope you really do continue the story. I would love to learn more about Richard.