How to grow up and get on with life.

See every circumstance for what it is - not for what you want it to be or think it should be or what your friends think it is.

Understand that most people are putting on a veneer - not necessarily because they are frauds but because we all protect ourselves from the world. That next person is almost certainly not as in control or knowledgeable as they would like you to think.

Anyone who says they have the answers doesn't

Listen and learn but never substitute someone else's judgment for your own - no matter who they are or how well intentioned - they are not you and cannot possibly understand 100% of your perspective

Learn to disagree politely with people you love and respect - you cannot be your own person if you feel the need to reconcile your views to someone else's and you cannot walk someone else's path no matter how great they or you think it is

Never accept someone getting upset with you for not taking their advice, not even your loved ones - it is your life

Walk away from people who treat you poorly - don't look back and don't try to change them because it can't be done (or at least the odds of doing it are minuscule)

Don't judge people based upon which group they belong to - that sounds obvious but make sure you apply to all groups and both positive and negative assumptions - i.e. your gender doesn't make you weak but it doesn't make you strong either, black people aren't all criminals but they aren't all virtuous either, some environmentalists are thoughtful and wonderful citizens but some are blowhards looking for a reason to feel superior, some business owners are exploitive douche bags and some are genuinely great people and nation builders

Finally - don't be stupid with guys. The ones that fulfill the insecure girls' checklist know it and are more likely to exploit it. If they seem just dreamy they are probably full of shit. And if they say all the right things they are even more full of shit. If you go looking for someone to reinforce your security you will likely get in trouble. Understand what they are really like (not what your girlfriends think they should be like) and find ones that are genuine, which may include accidentally not holding a door or bringing flowers and occasionally saying something you find rude. Not to say those things make him a good guy, but the genuine ones don't spend all their time fulfilling a 50s versions of men and you'd shouldn't need them to. If he shows up late it may be because he is careless or it may be be because he was genuinely caught up with a good reason - only a princess can't see past the fact that he was late. They need to be understood as much as you do.

subwannabe said:

Sorry, didn't read the other responses. Not sure what you are going to school for. Hope it's something you can actually do something with. Life might be easier if you got the balls (not sure if you are male of female) to move to a more livable place. So far all you have mentioned is Long Island, Queens, or Boston. When you're done with school move to Iowa or Wyoming or some place where you don't have to get a mortgage just to pay rent on an 800 square foot apartment.

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No way would I ever move to either of those places haha. I'd maybe, maybe consider Grand Rapids, MI or Houston (i've already lived in TX). It's cheap enough to live but I'd honestly rather live in a city somewhere.

midwestyankee said:

One of the scariest parts of living on your own is the fear that you won't manage your money well enough (however much you actually make) and will have to be bailed out by parents or other relatives.

I recently found this post, which describes a truly easy way to allocate your money so that you'll not only survive, but thrive in the long run.

Good luck. It's a lot less scary out there than it looks.

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That's actually a really great article. Being completely broke and not being able to manage financially without help from my parents(which probably wouldn't happen anyway tbh) is the one thing i'm most afraid of.

policywank said:

See every circumstance for what it is - not for what you want it to be or think it should be or what your friends think it is.

Understand that most people are putting on a veneer - not necessarily because they are frauds but because we all protect ourselves from the world. That next person is almost certainly not as in control or knowledgeable as they would like you to think.

Anyone who says they have the answers doesn't

Listen and learn but never substitute someone else's judgment for your own - no matter who they are or how well intentioned - they are not you and cannot possibly understand 100% of your perspective

Learn to disagree politely with people you love and respect - you cannot be your own person if you feel the need to reconcile your views to someone else's and you cannot walk someone else's path no matter how great they or you think it is

Never accept someone getting upset with you for not taking their advice, not even your loved ones - it is your life

Walk away from people who treat you poorly - don't look back and don't try to change them because it can't be done (or at least the odds of doing it are minuscule)

Don't judge people based upon which group they belong to - that sounds obvious but make sure you apply to all groups and both positive and negative assumptions - i.e. your gender doesn't make you weak but it doesn't make you strong either, black people aren't all criminals but they aren't all virtuous either, some environmentalists are thoughtful and wonderful citizens but some are blowhards looking for a reason to feel superior, some business owners are exploitive douche bags and some are genuinely great people and nation builders

Finally - don't be stupid with guys. The ones that fulfill the insecure girls' checklist know it and are more likely to exploit it. If they seem just dreamy they are probably full of shit. And if they say all the right things they are even more full of shit. If you go looking for someone to reinforce your security you will likely get in trouble. Understand what they are really like (not what your girlfriends think they should be like) and find ones that are genuine, which may include accidentally not holding a door or bringing flowers and occasionally saying something you find rude. Not to say those things make him a good guy, but the genuine ones don't spend all their time fulfilling a 50s versions of men and you'd shouldn't need them to. If he shows up late it may be because he is careless or it may be be because he was genuinely caught up with a good reason - only a princess can't see past the fact that he was late. They need to be understood as much as you do.

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The part about learning to politely disagree or not place so much stock in the advice, especially loved ones hit home hard for me. That is something I struggle with. To the point where I sometimes feel like I'm hanging on to not losing my true self as I pay so much attention to everyone's "advice." Really great to hear you touch on that. I think that is good advice.

Officially moving to Boston in less than a month. pray 4 me pls.

Best wishes! It'll be a chance to explore a new side of yourself and a new chapter of your life. On a lighter note, tell me, are you going to become a Patriots/Red Sox/Bruins/Celtics fan?

goalie31 said:

Best wishes! It'll be a chance to explore a new side of yourself and a new chapter of your life. On a lighter note, tell me, are you going to become a Patriots/Red Sox/Bruins/Celtics fan?

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I don't care about baseball or hockey, but I guess by default haha. My family there are big celtics/patriots fans though, hopefully at some point I'll go to a game.

I moved out into my own flat at 17 turning 18.

Going though life I always wanted to reach adulthood, it looked so simple and easy. I remember grabbing my friends and getting beers while painting my walls etc the whole decorating thing. It was great and life was simple. I thought I was a grown man and basked in my smugness.

Then came the bills. I remember receiving my first electric bill and wanted to call my mother to ask how I go about it. But I didn't I just pushed it aside and continued living the good life. It must have been 6 months later, the novelty has worn off. My friends no longer spent 24/7 with me so now I had no buffer. I have to admit, sitting all alone in a cold flat is not pretty. It was an eye opener for sure. I realised I was not ready at all. The previous 6 months had been like a holiday. The holiday was over and so was my independence at that time.

I went home with my tail between my legs and my mother took care of the destruction i had left behind. Needless to say, some serious debt too.

What I am trying to say is that just because you think you're at an age to go rogue, or worse see people around you doing it; does not always mean you have too. Who says you have to grow up today or tomorrow? You know when you're ready, make a few mistakes and learn from them. Experience is what makes someone grown up, not how many credit cards they have.

Also, nothing wrong with returning with your tail between your legs, just be glad you have somewhere to return to.

iamshaun said:

Also, nothing wrong with returning with your tail between your legs, just be glad you have somewhere to return to.

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"Home is where, when you show up, they have to take you in."

I left early and never returned. Instead, I lived rough, and learned. My sisters returned home (to dad at least) after bust-ups but I just drove on, asked for money only once (to buy a used motorcycle) and lucked my way into a good life. It was not easy. Many of my moves were sub-optimal. Oh shit, not ANOTHER "learning experience". But, there's a saying:

We gain good judgement from our experience.
We gain experience by making bad judgements.

Expect to make many mistakes, painful mistakes, stupid mistakes. Learn from them and drive on. If life is too easy, you've done something wrong.

If you're easily offended, don't continue reading.

First order of business for growing up... Stop listening to Fall Out Boy.

Second... Set goals. What do you want out of life? If you don't have tangible goals, then you'll never reach them.

I'll give you a bit of financial advice, because I'm amazing with finances. And humility too.

Don't acquire debt. It's the mantra of the middle class and it's what keeps people poor. People finance things that go down in value and leverage themselves far too thin, just to keep up with the Jonses. The truth is, the Jonses are fucking broke. What JtohisPB said is absolutely correct. It's a vain attempt to look cool. A mortgage isn't a terrible type of debt as it's money you would already pay towards rent and it's something that, hopefully, goes up in value.

If you're taking out student loans, take out as little as you can. I would recommend working and going to school more slowly and not taking out student loans. They are the herpes of debt. They never go away it seems. And for the love of god, if you take out student loans, get a degree that will pay something. There's nothing more ridiculous than seeing an Ivy League educated art history major serving coffee at Starbucks. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. But you need to do something that pays you back, otherwise it's a silly decision. Do something you love, but do something that pays.

Also, consider a community college for your first couple years of school. Why spend big bucks on a huge tuition coat when it could be done for a third of the price?

xtinelauren1 said:

I felt really silly writing that out, and it probably is so, but I don't know how else to put it. I'm currently 24, I live with my mom and younger brother, and will be finishing up school this upcoming spring. I'm really excited at the prospect of being on my own and moving to the city (I will either be attending school in Boston or Queens, NY. I live in Long Island atm)but the more I think about it, the more I want to literally curl up into a ball and disappear or just cry if I'm feeling a little less dramatic. I don't think it's the fact I'll be alone, more than the fear of failing and having to crawl my sorry ass back home to my mother when all of my friends have great jobs and apartments.

Mind you tons of my friends, stuck with massive student loans and bullshit high rent payments had no choice but to move back home in order to save up movey, and that's understandable and a lot less pathetic than being afraid to leave home in the first place. I feel so far behind (in more ways than one), and I'm just wondering, how did some of you get over that fear of failing and the fear of being an actual adult who doesn't have much, or anything (or anyone) to fall back on?

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23 and can totally relate. Glad to have come across this

I was in the same boat after college. I didn't realize what I wanted to do until this year (I'm freakin' 40). I always had employment, but it was just pounding the pavement kind of work. Then, at halfway to dead, it dawned on me and now I'm doing what I love. The biggest thing I had to do was drop everything and take a risk. I know that's a bit rough, but sometimes it has to be that way.

Think of your skills or what you really love to do and get ready to fail getting there. Don't think about the money; think about how you are going to feel when you get there and you will be on your way. Accept failure and rejection as speed bumps that move you off in another direction; the direction you are meant to go. You're young and have a lot of room to grow. Keep at it and it will come. Best of luck to you.

The happiest people are those who realize that what they are doing and what they should be doing are the same thing.

xtinelauren1 said:

I felt really silly writing that out, and it probably is so, but I don't know how else to put it. I'm currently 24, I live with my mom and younger brother, and will be finishing up school this upcoming spring. I'm really excited at the prospect of being on my own and moving to the city (I will either be attending school in Boston or Queens, NY. I live in Long Island atm)but the more I think about it, the more I want to literally curl up into a ball and disappear or just cry if I'm feeling a little less dramatic. I don't think it's the fact I'll be alone, more than the fear of failing and having to crawl my sorry ass back home to my mother when all of my friends have great jobs and apartments.

Mind you tons of my friends, stuck with massive student loans and bullshit high rent payments had no choice but to move back home in order to save up movey, and that's understandable and a lot less pathetic than being afraid to leave home in the first place. I feel so far behind (in more ways than one), and I'm just wondering, how did some of you get over that fear of failing and the fear of being an actual adult who doesn't have much, or anything (or anyone) to fall back on?

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Best thing to do is just roll up your sleeves and get stuck in. It'll work out, you've just got to have a bit of faith, lots of nerve (and no one else is better than you, so if they can make it... ), believe in yourself and just go for it. You'll be all right.

At 18 I moved to Paris to go to university, it was a lot less daunting than going to university in the States. Moving to the US at a young age from Scotland may have helped. Losing my mother at a young age really made me realize that life's for living. There's nothing as destructive as regret and wishing you'd done something you didn't.

"Life, there's nothing better.... It's just not for the timid or faint of heart." - Oscar Wilde

Kay - "You know what the most destructive force in the Universe is Jay?"

Jay - "Sugar?"

Kay - "No... but that's a good answer. Regret. That's the one that'll get you every time." - Men in Black III

desireunbounded said:

I was in the same boat after college. I didn't realize what I wanted to do until this year (I'm freakin' 40). I always had employment, but it was just pounding the pavement kind of work. Then, at halfway to dead, it dawned on me and now I'm doing what I love. The biggest thing I had to do was drop everything and take a risk. I know that's a bit rough, but sometimes it has to be that way.

Think of your skills or what you really love to do and get ready to fail getting there. Don't think about the money; think about how you are going to feel when you get there and you will be on your way. Accept failure and rejection as speed bumps that move you off in another direction; the direction you are meant to go. You're young and have a lot of room to grow. Keep at it and it will come. Best of luck to you.

The happiest people are those who realize that what they are doing and what they should be doing are the same thing.

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Very true. We're too risk aversive.

Take a chance... you have to, otherwise you'll be loving your life to someone else's agenda and not the life you want for yourself.

My daughter, at 26, is just finishing her first year on her own in Chicago. She has been shocked by costs in making rent and all its attendant expenses, and struggled with landing a job. It is NOT an easy economy right now.

Her advice, passed on by me, is this:

1. Find a good roommate or two and share expenses (she's working on that herself, after a year on her own in a tiny apartment with absurdly high rent)
2. Pick a safe neighborhood, but don't aim too high.
3. If you don't cook for yourself, learn how NOW. Takeout, etc, is way too expensive.
4. Create a budget and stick to it.
5. Give yourself an allowance for little treats.