Dear X,

Dear X,

Thanks for the email telling me how hard you have to work to take care of your kids and then implying that I don't actually work for a living. My job--part-time though it might be--certainly offers more prestige, money, satisfaction, and dignity than your full-time job ever will. Regardless of whether or not you think I'm gainfully employed, your future is in my hands, so lose the attitude. Right. Fucking. Now.

Oh, and maybe you wouldn't have to work so hard if you chose better baby daddies.

Dear Damien,

Thanks a million. You have no idea how you've changed my life. I'm forever grateful. The beauty that has been given to me... I'm speechless.

Sincerely,

Your Eskimo Friend

Dear X,

Ok you win. I give up. I'm never gonna win with you cause you are never gonna get it.

Me

Dear Steve,

Once again, thank you. Your inventions have made my day amazing.

Thankfully,

Pmann

Dear X,

Seriously? Wipe your own ass for a change, I am sick of it.

Me

Dear X,

You are a dickhead.

Signed,

PG
(Monogrammed pmann Glimmerwinks)

Dear Jimmy,

Thank you for the drink. Thank you for the offer of breakfast, but:
a. I'm not going to fuck you for buying me a beer.
b. I'm not going to fuck your friend because you bought me a beer.
c. I'm not going to fuck both you and your friend for buying me a beer, maybe a Maserati, but most certainly not a beer.
d. What the fuck was that accent anyway?

Good luck and thanks for the beer,
Me, not nearly as drunk on one beer as you may have hoped

Dear 1,419,429,

I love this bus ride. All the things outside make my mind spin. Ooooooh. A butterfly. Wow. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Sincerely,

Dooooooooey

Dear You,

Trust is hard. Trust and second chances are harder. Guess my armor is thicker than I thought. We will just have to see how it goes. Expect to be very patient.

Me

Dear Otis my nephew dog,

It sucks that you will be losing your leg however, 2 of my 3 favorite dogs have only had 3 legs and you will be just fine. You have been doing without it for 18 weeks already. You're a good boy. Hang in there.

Auntie M

Dear Slow Driving Asshat,
yes I know the speed limit is 60 and yes you are doing 60 in the inside lane of the freeway. You can also do 60 in the lane right next to you and avoid causing a traffic jam with your slow ass.

Sincerely,
A man who actually has someplace to go

Dear X,

I love you more than CandyLand.

Dear X,

I really thought you were different.

My mistake.

Me

Dear Jumpee,

In a heartbeat!!

Vaulter

Dear X,

I wish that you'd realise that they are not your true friends. They got together and rounded on you, yet you value your friendship above all others. They said you didn't deserve their friendship, then demanded you cease another friendship with someone else. They want to isolate you from all that keeps you there. Yes, you did wrong, no one can deny, but no worse than what they are now doing to you. I long for the moment when you'd get up off the mat and refuse to take any more shit. You are better than that. You are not helpless, weak and feeble. You are iron-willed, and made of sterner stuff than I ever could be. The world is your oyster, and these people delight in your destruction. They are not your friends. They do not deserve your friendship and they do not deserve the satisfaction of knowing what they have done to you. Keep strong and focused, and this will soon be over. I'm always going to be there for you.

Dear Rainshine,

Big big hugs and wishes for nothing but the best.

smoochies too,
M

Dear X,

I still miss you. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Me

........................................

Dear X,

*hugs and CandyLand*

Sincerely,

Your best friend ever

Dear Heart,

I've had enough of your bullshit! It's time for you to sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and settle the fuck DOWN! Don't make me have to ablate your ass! I have friends who'll gladly set your bratty little ass on fire. Literally.

Love,
Me

a study in Schmoopie, one year later

Rainshine said:

Dear You,

For 365 days you have dwelled in this little heart.

You have given me faith and made me believe in signs. You have helped hope find it's way back to this sorta-broken heart. You have made me laugh like I have never laughed, and cry like I have never cried (in front of anyone else anyway). You have shown me, kindness, love, generosity, beauty and warmth. You have been there for me in times of deep sorrow and in times of great joy and you have held strong through it all. Where I have wavered you have not. Where I have questions you have had answers. Where I have failed you have shone. Thank you. I know I say it a lot, but you have changed this life.

You are the kindest, wisest, warmest, most caring, most open, most amazing, funniest person I've ever known. We clicked from the minute we talked and we haven't shut up since. (Sorry Lit!!)

I am honoured to call you my friend, I am proud to say I love you, I need you, and I will keep you here *points* forever. For.ev.er.

Yours,
Me

Click to expand...

The following exchange absolutely did not take place. Apparently.

Rainshine said:

Pmann is the hottest man on Lit and has the brightest whitest B-Hole in all of metrosexual-land.

Click to expand...

pmann said:

Thank you Rainy!

*swoon*

I bleach it just for you and keep it young looking with wee dabs of oil made from drop bears.

Click to expand...

Rainshine said:

*e-bitch face activated*

Looks like it's time to change the passie yet again.

Click to expand...

pmann said:

Shouldn't take you as long as it took me to withdraw my MAC Makeup Man of the Year application that someone submitted on my behalf.

Click to expand...

Rainshine said:

*bats eyelashes* (nowhere near curly and full as pmann's)
And who would have done such a thing?

*re-activates e-bitchface*

Click to expand...

pmann said:

I think that was a wink. Yes, totally a wink.
*swoons and applies more drop-bear oil*

Click to expand...

Rainshine said:

Awe pmann, you know what I'm wearing now?

Click to expand...

pmann said:

*dumps drop-bear oil on groin*
No, what are you wearing? heee-hee!

Click to expand...

Rainshine said:

A smile.

Click to expand...

pmann said:

Woot-Woot my beautiful Rainy one. Guess what I have for you!

Click to expand...

Rainshine said:

Better be something good or the bitch face comes back.

Click to expand...

pmann said:

A boner.

Click to expand...

Rainshine said:

Click to expand...

Dear Schmoopies,

Happy 365 days you wacky kids.

May the next 365 be just as fulfilling, fun and special for you, and as delightful for us to watch.


E

Dear Me,

It's technically 364 days here, for me. But that's a year for all intents and purposes.

I didn't expect to meet my best friend on the Internet. Specifically, on a sex site. Even more specifically, someone who is properly filthy like you. I mean, I'm virginal and an angel.

I'm a tough person to befriend. While charming, genetically gifted and unconventionally gawgeous, I can be a pain in the arse. But with grace, you've been patient and kind and loving.

You're truly the first person who has seen all of me. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. I've let you into the corners of my heart that were previously uncharted. And you loved me, not in spite of them, but for them.

I've truly become a better person having known you. And you are truly the best person I know. You're beautiful on the inside and out. You have no idea the effect that you have on people. You will probably never quite know the effect you've had on me, but I'll spend the rest of my days trying to show you.

In a year I've seen you open up and show me parts of you that you probably never considered showing anyone. I'm honoured that I can see into that beautiful heart and soul. We have been through ups and downs through life and with each other. But we are made of strong stuff (guts and bones and shit). We are molded into who we are because of how we
handle ourselves in the valleys of life. We are better because of our trials.

I remember the day and the time I first saw your face. You stole my air. A year later and you still do. And you will continue to do so for another year. And many more.

I'm honoured you've let me know you how I do. I'm the luckiest. You are loved and adored.

Love,
You

Dear Pmann and Rainshine,

Get a room.

Sincerely,

Gagging Lit Users

Rainshine said:

Dear Em,

You are one funny little shit.

Me

Click to expand...

Dear Em,

This.

I read that several times before I realized we hadn't written all that. It was so perfectly done. Kudos Em. You're truly a renaissance man.

If Julian McMahon or Hugh Hackman are unavailable to play me in my biographical movie, it's you.

Cheers,

Pmann

Dear Us

Love and affection is the purpose.

Does'nt mind