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Looking for opinions on a lil snippet.

D

DarkPleasures

Guest
I just wanted to share this little tid-bit from a story I had been working on years ago to get opinions. ;) Working title: Pretty Baby.



She stumbled awkwardly down the loose-gravel alleyway as best she could in her five inch stilettos. Her lips were painted a bold cherry red, her eyes darker than night. She looked lovely, there was no doubt, but she would look even lovlier before this was all over.

Just ahead of her, the alleyway dead-ended. The row of long-abandoned businesses in this desolate little strip mall formed an "L" back here. To the left, a nearly eight foot chainlink fence lined the whole length of the neglected alley, separating it from the unusual inner city forest of trees.

It was like a mini Central Park minus the park benches, joggers, and winos. It was another great location; easy pickings for some of the city's ever growing low-life population. But tonight the alley won. A mass-mail went out to the usual suspects. They were informed that the night would be oral only, but that there was no holds barred, and to spread the word. At five dollars a pop it would be a busy night!
 
I'm a little confused. Oral only, but no holds barred? Sounds contradictory.

And how is she going to be more lovely after a bunch of five dollar blow jobs?

Guess I would need to read more.
 
I suppose so, then. I was trying to not make it a long post to "not break the rules". ;)

The "no holds" would be regarding rough oral, cumming where they wanted, etc. Perhaps I'll have to rewrite that part.

The gist is the narrator loves whores/sluts who are well worked over and finds them lovely when used, truly beautiful in his eyes.
 
I think it's abit too short to be able to judge your writing style as a whole. And you seem to use hyphens far too often imo.

DarkPleasures said:
Just ahead of her, the alleyway dead-ended.
Click to expand...

Consider re-wording this it reads quite awkwardly.
 
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DarkPleasures said:
I suppose so, then. I was trying to not make it a long post to "not break the rules". ;)

The "no holds" would be regarding rough oral, cumming where they wanted, etc. Perhaps I'll have to rewrite that part.

The gist is the narrator loves whores/sluts who are well worked over and finds them lovely when used, truly beautiful in his eyes.
Click to expand...

Oh, okay so this is not from the perspective of the girl, but her pimp who set her up for night of serious skull fucking? If that's so it makes more sense.

The $5 charge is a pretty humiliating little extra.

Not my cup of tea, but I can see where it can work well for people who enjoy that type of story.
 
Not everyone will be rough. The "cheap whore" aspect turns me on. :eek: Yes, a humiliation thing in the D/s realm.
 
DarkPleasures said:
Not everyone will be rough. The "cheap whore" aspect turns me on. :eek: Yes, a humiliation thing in the D/s realm.
Click to expand...

I get it. Back in the day I once had guys buy tickets to watch me fuck a sub I told them if I "sold out" there would be anal. They couldn't touch however, but could verbally degrade her(she was into it I assure you)

You should check out the website Public disgrace, I think you would love it.
 
LastLostIdols said:
I think it's abit too short to be able to judge your writing style as a whole. And you seem to use hyphens far too often imo.
Click to expand...

Tilt. What other than that "mass-mail" shouldn't have been hyphenated? In fact, there should have been more hyphens: five-inch stilettos, eight-foot chain-link fence, ever-growing low-life population.

"lovlier" should be "lovelier" and it should be "were no holds barred" (holds is plural).

As far as storyline so far, it looks fine to me.
 
sr71plt said:
Tilt. What other than that "mass-mail" shouldn't have been hyphenated? In fact, there should have been more hyphens: five-inch stilettos, eight-foot chain-link fence, ever-growing low-life population.

"lovlier" should be "lovelier" and it should be "were no holds barred" (holds is plural).

As far as storyline so far, it looks fine to me.
Click to expand...

so a height reference should always be hyphenated? "He was about five-ten or five-foot-ten"
 
Not in that instance. Sentence placement determines. Directly modifying its noun: "He was a five-foot-ten man." But not hyphenated when flipped back into the predicate. "The man's height was five feet ten." (Yep, the latter example should be "five feet ten" (Chicago Manual of Style 7.85), although custom usually renders it "five foot ten" and, as an editor, I'd probably let that go.
 
Well, being an amateur writer (yes, I know I have nothing up at Lit currently) I'm always learning. Writing has been a passion of mine since childhood, and I took a creative writing class in both high school and college. :)

This piece has been untouched for years. (Yes, there's more than what I posted...and I see I need to erase some "quickly" references! Another reason I didn't copy everything here.)
 
The premise is interesting, at least. I must confess. What got her into prostitution? The usual nightmarish past or is it something more primal, more masochistic, even?
 
sr71plt said:
Tilt. What other than that "mass-mail" shouldn't have been hyphenated? In fact, there should have been more hyphens: five-inch stilettos, eight-foot chain-link fence, ever-growing low-life population.
Click to expand...

My mistake.

I admit I don't fully understand the hyphen, it just seems to be a bit of a strain to use them so much. Seems like abuse. Hyphen abuse. Those poor, poor hyphens.
 
LastLostIdols said:
My mistake.

I admit I don't fully understand the hyphen, it just seems to be a bit of a strain to use them so much. Seems like abuse. Hyphen abuse. Those poor, poor hyphens.
Click to expand...

You're right that hyphen abuse usually goes the other way (too many of them). Just not the case in this example. (And spellcheck is no help with hyphenation at all. You have to go to the dictionary, which gives far more help than people realize. For instance "chain-link" in this example is in Webster's--hyphenated.) Writers most frequently give unnecessary hyphens to words with prefixes like "re" and "de" and "pro" and "non." But if you go to where that prefix is in Webster's, it will give you long lists specifying what to do with each instance--and almost always it does not have a hyphen.

If that's not confusing enough, it depends on where the compound adjectives are in the sentence on whether they are hyphenated or not--and they have to be equal-level modifiers to be hyphenated.
 
I like it. It makes me want more... which is the point.

I'm going to check out your other work....

um... nothing yet. Please submit something... I love the style of your sample!

asianToy
 
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asianToy said:
I like it. It makes me want more... which is the point.

I'm going to check out your other work....

um... nothing yet. Please submit something... I love the style of your sample!

asianToy
Click to expand...

:eek: Thank you. I've been having a love/hate relationship with my own beain and writer's block. That's why I've been revisiting old files of mine. Trying to revamp this one right now. :)
 
DarkPleasures said:
I just wanted to share this little tid-bit from a story I had been working on years ago to get opinions. ;) Working title: Pretty Baby.

She stumbled awkwardly down the loose-gravel alleyway as best she could in her five inch stilettos. Her lips were painted a bold cherry red, her eyes darker than night. She looked lovely, there was no doubt, but she would look even lovlier before this was all over.


Just ahead of her, the alleyway dead-ended. The row of long-abandoned businesses in this desolate little strip mall formed an "L" back here. To the left, a nearly eight foot chainlink fence lined the whole length of the neglected alley, separating it from the unusual inner city forest of trees.


It was like a mini Central Park minus the park benches, joggers, and winos. It was another great location; easy pickings for some of the city's ever growing low-life population. But tonight the alley won. A mass-mail went out to the usual suspects. They were informed that the night would be oral only, but that there was no holds barred, and to spread the word. At five dollars a pop it would be a busy night!
Click to expand...


Five inch stilettos were probably a bad idea, she thought as she stumbled awkwardly through the gravel alleyway. She looked pretty with a shade of bright cherry on her lips and her eyes darker than the darkest midnight, but she'd look prettier when this would be all over.

There was a dead-end just ahead. The row of long abandoned businesses in this desolate strip formed an "L". An eight feet chain link fence to the left lined the entire length of the alley, separating it from the unusual forest within the city.

It was another great location, just like a mini Central Park sans the benches, joggers, winos...and an easy picking for some of the city's ever growing low-life. Tonight, the alley won. The usual suspects received a mass mail, informing them that the night would be oral only, but there would be no holds barred!

At five dollars a pop, it would be a busy night...



My own way of narrating this in (what I thought) a more active and engaging way.

You use "-" too much. Although three para is too short to make a decision regarding your story, you could give it a generous makeover in the sentence structuring.

I hope this helped. :rose:

Regards,

Bard.
 
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sr71plt said:
You're right that hyphen abuse usually goes the other way (too many of them). Just not the case in this example. (And spellcheck is no help with hyphenation at all. You have to go to the dictionary, which gives far more help than people realize. For instance "chain-link" in this example is in Webster's--hyphenated.) Writers most frequently give unnecessary hyphens to words with prefixes like "re" and "de" and "pro" and "non." But if you go to where that prefix is in Webster's, it will give you long lists specifying what to do with each instance--and almost always it does not have a hyphen.

If that's not confusing enough, it depends on where the compound adjectives are in the sentence on whether they are hyphenated or not--and they have to be equal-level modifiers to be hyphenated.
Click to expand...

The Chicago Manual of Style might be a better resource for writers planning to publish their works. The Chicago Manual is considered, by most fiction agents, editors, and publishers, to be the gold standard for any writing issue. As an example, hyphens are discussed in several different paragraphs as well as compared with dashes/en dashes. Much more concise review the pesky little critters than the dictionary. There is also an online version at http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/home.html
 
An interesting read. The first sentence of the first paragraph, however, doesn't seem to fit with the other two sentences in the paragraph. Feels disjointed.

Separate issue from above: "...down the loose-gravel alleyway..." doesn't bring up any kind of image because I just can't picture an alley with a gravel surface. Perhaps a description more readers could visualize, such as "...down the debris strewn alley...". Of course, I haven't seen all the alley ways there are to see, so that is based on my limited experience.

As already pointed out, it is such a short passage it is difficult to get a handle on. When a writer has to explain passages to his/her readers, it might be time for a more clear rewrite.

Good luck with your project.
 
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