How to learn "dirty talk"

I was watching Greg Behrendt tonight and there was a line in there where he was saying, "Say what is in your heart...even if it's dirty. Don't say what you think you should say or something you heard in a porno."

His point was if you don't feel it first it isn't going to sound right. He had some funny examples about that but the just of it is real, actual, valid advice.

For me it's more about getting in their head and finding out what their frame is. objectification themes seem to work. Referring to a collection of body parts in a way that you would never do in a loving way in the cold light of day.

Another tip...plan on the cold light of day. Some things are in the "...and let's never speak of this again vein."

query said:

I was watching Bear Grylls tonight and there was a line in there where he was saying, "even if it's a dirty porno."

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...go figure?

apologies to the serious posters

NightL said:

...go figure?

apologies to the serious posters

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I thought there's a serious point to be made here. You can feed him all the clever lines you've ever said its not going to do any good if he hasn't internalized them before they become dialogue

OK second time I have come in after one of your posts query - just another random comment - again totally irrelevant really.

query - just the silly mood I am in - I apologise.

Double post.

NightL said:

query - just the silly mood I am in - I apologise.

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I appreciate and accept your apology. It didn't feel silly at the time, given the apparent randomness or the lack of antecedent to the remark.

It mistakenly read passive aggressive into it. I don't do passive aggressive.

And I'm not being ironic, passive aggressive, or snarky when I say:

My previous impression of your posts have always been positive. You seem to me to be a valued contributor. You strike me as one of those less is more kind of posters taking your time to post when you find you have something meaningful to contribute. You seem to craft your posts with care. I tend to be on the opposite end of the spectrum when I am in the mood to post. Verbose with a penchant for free-association..

Peace, my brother.

I jumped in - threw a random remark with an attempt of light-heartedness

I wish no disrespect to someone offering worthy contributions to the How To...

Again - apologies

query said:

I was watching Greg Behrendt tonight and there was a line in there where he was saying, "Say what is in your heart...even if it's dirty. Don't say what you think you should say or something you heard in a porno."

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There's talking in pornos?

Seriously, though, I take the point entirely.

query said:

His point was if you don't feel it first it isn't going to sound right. He had some funny examples about that but the just of it is real, actual, valid advice.

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This is one reason why I haven't been keen to write scripts for myself beforehand; when I read them back, I often find myself thinking: "I wouldn't say that!".

Having said that, I think there's still some value in me thinking ahead of time about what I would say, along the lines that previous posters have suggested.

query said:

For me it's more about getting in their head and finding out what their frame is. objectification themes seem to work. Referring to a collection of body parts in a way that you would never do in a loving way in the cold light of day.

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OK. That's where it gets difficult for me. I find it awkward to "get nasty" and use "object words" in that way. I've been considering how I might practise it on my own, but the idea of me standing in an empty room and uttering a stream of four-letter words to myself seems rather ludicrous.

query said:

Another tip...plan on the cold light of day. Some things are in the "...and let's never speak of this again vein."

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On the positive side, my wife and I have an agreement along the lines of "What goes on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom". Perhaps I'm not drawing on it enough.
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Mindfondler said:

~snip~ I find it awkward to "get nasty" and use "object words" in that way. I've been considering how I might practice it on my own, but the idea of me standing in an empty room and uttering a stream of four-letter words to myself seems rather ludicrous ~snip~

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hmmm.

I dunno. If it isn't IN you I'm not sure it's such a great idea to force something that isn't you.

I think it is generally speaking sexier to be authentically oneself. On the other hand boundaries are fun to play with.

Maybe consider this: Take some time to talk to your wife and perhaps some other women about their actual feelings about objectification in the context of someone they are actually intimate with.

Sounds like "respect" (as you see it, mind you) is pretty ingrained in you. These messages are pretty hard to fight later in life.

Veering a bit of a tangent- I was pretty deeply disturbed when my ex turned what I thought was going to be a tie-her-up-and-tease-her session into a pretty hard core s&m session. My body liked it but my mind was squeamish.

So..maybe its a matter of working on modifying your frame of reference. Or being delighted with your current one.

Wise man, Query

Wise words indeed. (I don't like repeating myself, but if I don't write more than five letters in here, I get the naughty notice.)

Many thanks to query for those astute comments, once again.

query said:

I dunno. If it isn't IN you I'm not sure it's such a great idea to force something that isn't you.

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That's not quite my situation. Those feelings are most certainly IN me, but I've been suppressing them for a long time and I struggle to articulate them.

query said:

Sounds like "respect" (as you see it, mind you) is pretty ingrained in you. These messages are pretty hard to fight later in life.

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That's the issue for me. I need to release my horny beast!

query said:

My body liked it but my mind was squeamish.

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Yes -- I find myself in that dilemma quite often.

query said:

Maybe consider this: Take some time to talk to your wife and perhaps some other women about their actual feelings about objectification in the context of someone they are actually intimate with.

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That's an interesting idea. As I explained in my original post, my wife is reticent on this topic, but I can think of some other ladies with whom I could probably talk about it in a grown-up way. Frankly, my fear is that they might say that they're disgusted that I could objectify a woman in that way -- and especially the one closest to me. The great thing about this thread, though, is that it's given me quite a bit of evidence to suggest that this isn't likely.

PleasePeesMe said:

Wise words indeed.

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I'm happy to repeat that about query's post, because they are.

Many thanks again to everyone who has been contributing to this thread. I'm finding it very helpful for navigation on my voyage of self-discovery.
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Mindfondler said:

That's not quite my situation. Those feelings are most certainly IN me, but I've been suppressing them for a long time and I struggle to articulate them.


That's the issue for me. I need to release my horny beast!

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So - how WOULD you articulate them to yourself? How would you articulate them to your wife?

Mindfondler said:

~snip~ ....Frankly, my fear is that they might say that they're disgusted that I could objectify a woman in that way -- and especially the one closest to me. The great thing about this thread, though, is that it's given me quite a bit of evidence to suggest that this isn't likely.
~snip~

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Over the years I have talked to hundreds of girls mostly on-line, but surprisingly often in so-called real-life about their sexual interests. Bear in mind that this is a self-selecting population. If a girl is talking to me rather than her significant other about her sexual desires there is something she is dissatisfied with.

You know what I have NEVER heard? "I just wish he would be a little less assertive."

So, I deduced that it is better to risk going "too far" than to be tentative. This so far has worked fairly well for me once I found myself single again.

You can ALWAYS back down when you find something that meets with resistance. There are words that raise hackles and they vary by the girl. Back up, pick a new word and go again.

I have only talked to one girl who didn't like ANY of the sort of talk that most might find demeaning. I mean the talk that if it came out of the blue from someone that they were not intimate with.

Fortunately I didn't find that out the hard way, she just mentioned it during a discussion about her then FWB. He was much younger and of pretty limited status i.e. no job, no car, no ambition. "Who's yo' daddy?" fell ridiculously flat. She mentioned that she doesn't like any of the "Take that! My little whore." type of talk in general...In her case, she has had a very active sex life with many varied partners in a small town.

Interestingly, her sister who, though no prude, has been far more selective in her partners and LOVES filthy talk.

I think girls who are aware that they are the subject of unflattering characterizations about their sexuality probably don't like it rein-forced, so It's best to tread lightly there.

My rule of thumb is to treat girls on the extreme edge of being sexually liberated from strippers to friends-with-benefits as Princesses, and actual Princesses and girls with limited sexual histories as dirty little whores. ~So to speak.

Edit: As I read my above post for clarity I noticed that I used "women" when I was trying to make it clear that I acknowledge that women have the absolute right to define for themselves their own sexuality. When speaking conversationally, I used "girls" to make it more colloquial. I was grating to me to see the shift back and forth. I went back and changed to "girls". I find that if you are talking to a girl, and for some reason you need to choose between the words, girl is better. Yes they are women, but girl is the antonym to guy and generally speaking women don't like to be reminded of the aging process. Use "chick" at your own risk. I kinda dig it though.

Hi GrrlFriday!

GrrlFriday said:

So - how WOULD you articulate them to yourself? How would you articulate them to your wife?

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Those are good questions! I think I'm much better at articulating those feelings non-verbally, for example, using eye contact, facial expressions, actions and primal sounds. I'll need to ponder on how to convert those into speech.

Thanks, query! Once again, I find your thoughts intriguing and provocative (in a good way!).

query said:

My rule of thumb is to treat girls on the extreme edge of being sexually liberated from strippers to friends-with-benefits as Princesses, and actual Princesses and girls with limited sexual histories as dirty little whores. ~So to speak.

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That's so counterintuitive to me that it left my head spinning! Having said that, I follow your reasoning (well, kind of). Yet again, in this thread, I'm having my preconceptions challenged -- and perhaps rightly so.

query said:

Edit: As I read my above post for clarity I noticed that I used "women" when I was trying to make it clear that I acknowledge that women have the absolute right to define for themselves their own sexuality. When speaking conversationally, I used "girls" to make it more colloquial. I was grating to me to see the shift back and forth. I went back and changed to "girls". I find that if you are talking to a girl, and for some reason you need to choose between the words, girl is better. Yes they are women, but girl is the antonym to guy and generally speaking women don't like to be reminded of the aging process. Use "chick" at your own risk. I kinda dig it though.

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I'm very surprised to read this! My own instinct (or is it a product of my upbringing?) is that "girl" is a somewhat derogatory or disrespectful term, suggesting immaturity and/or lack of substance. I prefer to say "woman" generically or "lady" to denote added respect.

Is my terminology archaic? I'd be curious to know from Lit ladies (particularly those with whom I've had some correspondence) whether they would react / would have reacted differently to me if I referred to them as "girls". Please enlighten me!

(Note: I'm certainly not seeking to pick a fight with query over this. My own hunch is that there's no "right" answer that covers all circumstances in all cultures)
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You said "my wife also expects me to be able to 'warm her up' in this way".

you also said, "My wife doesn't do 'dirty talk' herself, and doesn't give me many clues as to what she wants, so I feel rather isolated and nervous when she asks me to serve up a dirty monologue for her"

Knowing those things, I'm guessing your wife is submissive in bed and she is handing you the keys, so to speak. If that is the case, then I totally agree with Acktion and Suzy (and probably others) who suggested "warming her up" by telling her what you are going to do to her, and do it graphically, after all that is what makes it "dirty".

You mention that she doesn't give you many clues, but I imagine that you know what she likes. If she likes you to be aggressive and "manhandle" her, then tell her tell her "I'm in an aggressive mood and ..." and paint a picture, again ... be graphic. You are not going to simply fuck her, you are going to "slowly squeeze your thick cock into her tight little pussy and pound it mercilessly".

Whatever her likes are, gear your dirty talk to what turns her on. Let loose, maybe a couple of drinks will help, and then live up to your username.

... and btw, I enjoyed listening to your profile.... well done! You seem to be a nice person and someone quite genuine. I wish you and your wife the best.

Thanks for your reply, Rob!

Rob1514 said:

I'm guessing your wife is submissive in bed and she is handing you the keys, so to speak. If that is the case, then I totally agree with Acktion and Suzy (and probably others) who suggested "warming her up" by telling her what you are going to do to her, and do it graphically, after all that is what makes it "dirty".

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Yes. I've started to try to put this into practice. I still feel somewhat awkward about it, but I can't argue with the results that I've been getting so far.

Rob1514 said:

You mention that she doesn't give you many clues, but I imagine that you know what she likes. If she likes you to be aggressive and "manhandle" her, then tell her tell her "I'm in an aggressive mood and ..." and paint a picture, again ... be graphic. You are not going to simply fuck her, you are going to "slowly squeeze your thick cock into her tight little pussy and pound it mercilessly".

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I've been trying a little mind trick to help myself with this. I've assigned myself a "uniform" for my job in the bedroom, and I've told myself that if I'm wearing that uniform then I must get properly into my role and use the correct (i.e. dirty) language. Somehow, that helps to overcome my natural reticence.

Rob1514 said:

Whatever her likes are, gear your dirty talk to what turns her on. Let loose, maybe a couple of drinks will help, and then live up to your username.

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I think I can manage that.

Rob1514 said:

... and btw, I enjoyed listening to your profile.... well done! You seem to be a nice person and someone quite genuine. I wish you and your wife the best.

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Cheers! I felt that the sound of my voice introducing myself would convey much more about me than plain text. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it. I find it uncomfortable to listen to my own voice being played back to me, so it's difficult for me to make my own assessment.
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Your wife has a submissive streak and has given you permission, but you are conflicted about despoiling the one you love.

In the bed room and out of the bedroom are two different things.

Command her to give you a sample of what she wants to hear you say and build on that.

Maybe such talk is not to your taste and you'll have to deal with that.

It's not rocket science, just let it fly and process it after the fact...don't think, just do...some good advice by others.

BTW, my current lover said spank me and talk dirty to me and I winged it and it worked out great! You'll do fine!

Thanks, jomar!

jomar said:

Your wife has a submissive streak and has given you permission, but you are conflicted about despoiling the one you love.

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I think you've summed it up there. My wife has been my only sex partner (and vice versa). Although it has been great in many ways for us to learn everything together, I feel some pressure for me to conform to the "clean" romantic ideals that my wife expressed when we first met. As such, my wife's request for "dirty talk" caught me very much by surprise.

jomar said:

In the bed room and out of the bedroom are two different things.

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Yes. My wife and I are clear with each other that different rules apply in our bedroom.

jomar said:

Command her to give you a sample of what she wants to hear you say and build on that.

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My wife might not respond to that command. I'm not sure whether she would want me to "force it out of her" (I can think of a couple of ways!) or not. I guess it's possible that she does.

jomar said:

It's not rocket science, just let it fly and process it after the fact...don't think, just do...some good advice by others.

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Indeed! There certainly is some great advice in this thread, and I've already been able to put some of it into practice. It went very well!

jomar said:

BTW, my current lover said spank me and talk dirty to me and I winged it and it worked out great! You'll do fine!

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Thanks!
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You are welcome! Good luck!

Mindfondler said:

Hi GrrlFriday!

I'm very surprised to read this! My own instinct (or is it a product of my upbringing?) is that "girl" is a somewhat derogatory or disrespectful term, suggesting immaturity and/or lack of substance. I prefer to say "woman" generically or "lady" to denote added respect.

Is my terminology archaic? I'd be curious to know from Lit ladies (particularly those with whom I've had some correspondence) whether they would react / would have reacted differently to me if I referred to them as "girls". Please enlighten me!

(Note: I'm certainly not seeking to pick a fight with query over this. My own hunch is that there's no "right" answer that covers all circumstances in all cultures)

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This is a tricky question and the answers to it are as numerous as there are women.

I don't think your terminology is archaic, especially if it comes natural to you.

I think what you'll find is that very few people are strictly one way or the other, every person is different. And most women/girls/ladies/females/people with vaginas, will have a finely tuned bullshit detector anyway and will be able to see the spirit in which you were using the term.

Oftentimes "girl" is used in a derogatory way and we'll pick up on it instantly. Much like any term. But if you are sincere in your usage of the words and respectful, I am sure that the majority of times it will be takes as it was meant.

I don't speak for everybody though and I'm sure there'll be other thoughts.

men vs women

I'm really sorry to jump on this thread but i've recently just started seeing a guy and he's REALLY into his dirty talk! Ok in past relationships i may have thrown a few words out here and there but this is kinda new to me (well on his level anyway!)

I guess i just wanna know if the stated advice applies to men aswell? I mean are there different things men like compared to woman? Do guys prefer their talk.... really dirty?!!

crystalcreamyad said:

I'm really sorry to jump on this thread but i've recently just started seeing a guy and he's REALLY into his dirty talk! Ok in past relationships i may have thrown a few words out here and there but this is kinda new to me (well on his level anyway!)

I guess i just wanna know if the stated advice applies to men aswell? I mean are there different things men like compared to woman? Do guys prefer their talk.... really dirty?!!

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Depends on the guy just as much as it depends on the girl.

I used to say that nothing was too dirty for me to handle. Then I met a girl who disabused me of THAT notion.

She just didn't quite seem to grasp the basic concept that "talking dirty" was not the same thing as "cussing somebody out". Sure, a lot of the same words may be used, but still...

Men are much easier to gauge though. If the batter is up, you're pitching strikes.

GooodGurrl said:

This is a tricky question and the answers to it are as numerous as there are women.

I don't think your terminology is archaic, especially if it comes natural to you.

I think what you'll find is that very few people are strictly one way or the other, every person is different. And most women/girls/ladies/females/people with vaginas, will have a finely tuned bullshit detector anyway and will be able to see the spirit in which you were using the term.

Oftentimes "girl" is used in a derogatory way and we'll pick up on it instantly. Much like any term. But if you are sincere in your usage of the words and respectful, I am sure that the majority of times it will be takes as it was meant.

I don't speak for everybody though and I'm sure there'll be other thoughts.

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Thanks, GooodGurrl! I had a feeling that the answer would be "it depends", but it's good to hear confirmation of this from someone else.

I take your point entirely about the intended spirit shining through. I'll consider in future saying "girl" when it feels appropriate and I'm confident that it won't inadvertently be taken as derogatory. I can see the up-side as described by query. If it goes wrong repeatedly, then I'll assume that it just isn't a natural style for me, and I'll revert to my previous usage.

crystalcreamyad said:

I'm really sorry to jump on this thread but i've recently just started seeing a guy and he's REALLY into his dirty talk! Ok in past relationships i may have thrown a few words out here and there but this is kinda new to me (well on his level anyway!)

I guess i just wanna know if the stated advice applies to men aswell? I mean are there different things men like compared to woman? Do guys prefer their talk.... really dirty?!!

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Thanks, crystalcreamyad! I think Acktion has covered this well in the reply just above (another "it depends" answer!).

When I was in my twenties (decades ago!), I met a girl who used "dirty talk" liberally on our first date. I say "first date" -- it was, in fact, our only date. Whilst I found it oddly thrilling for a while to hear those incongruous words from her (with implied hints of putting them into action), I soon found myself pining for some "normal talk". It didn't help that I was unable and unwilling to match her line of banter. So, it certainly doesn't always follow that men have a desire to hear women talk dirtily.

Noor said:

I found this book helpful when I first started cyberring.

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Thanks again, Noor! I received this book last week and I've read the first few chapters. It's fascinating! I'm discovering a lot about myself. These discoveries are surprising to me, and I think they help to explain why I find "dirty talk" so difficult.

For example, I'm now able to acknowledge that I am an exhibitionist at heart, in the sense that I love the idea of being capable of presenting myself generally in an erotic way. However, this aspect of myself has been hidden until recently -- buried beneath my shyness which acts to suppress it (and, in the same way, my attempts at "dirty talk"). I don't feel arrogant about this (I don't believe myself to be anywhere near an epitome of male sexual attractiveness) but I know that some people like looking at me, and I enjoy that attention.

Similarly, from the description in the book, I can also now declare myself to be an unashamed voyeur. I don't mean that in a creepy hidden way, though -- that's a complete turn-off for me. Instead, I respond to the idea of someone knowing that I'm watching them, enjoying my attention, and liking to receive my honest and uninhibited feedback. Once again, my shyness has tended to inhibit me from acknowledging or acting on this aspect of myself.

I'm hoping that, if I can embrace these newly-discovered aspects of myself and thereby understand properly my true sexual self, then the "dirty talk" will follow naturally. Does that make sense?
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Mindfondler said:

...When I was in my twenties (decades ago!), I met a girl who used "dirty talk" liberally on our first date. I say "first date" -- it was, in fact, our only date. Whilst I found it oddly thrilling for a while to hear those incongruous words from her (with implied hints of putting them into action), I soon found myself pining for some "normal talk". It didn't help that I was unable and unwilling to match her line of banter. So, it certainly doesn't always follow that men have a desire to hear women talk dirtily...
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Once upon a time, a certain comedian made a name for himself by saying "fuck". After awhile, another comedian came along and decided if that worked for the other guy, he would do it to, but more often. Not too long ago, I was listening to a comedian, and, maybe the problem was that I was sober, but he just wasn't funny. However, every second or third word was "the f bomb".

The thing is, it worked for the first because of the "what did he say?!" shock value. It worked for the second and the third for much the same reason. Now, though, it's almost like the period to a comedic sentence. Sure, there are some out there that don't cuss, but when we hear someone that does, on stage with a mic, it doesn't really phase us anymore.

I was reading through this thread from the beginning (again), and if anyone had pointed it out, I missed it. So, I thought I would as a follow up to Mindfondler's comment.

Part of the attraction for "talking dirty", whether it's the tamer "You have no idea just how much you turn me on, do you?" or the lines that would make a pornstar blush that have occasionally fallen out of my lips (Hey, I didn't think they could either but one stayed at the hotel where I was the only... oops, never mind), is that it isn't ALL THE TIME. It's different. It's unusual. It's a sign, or supposed to be, of just how turned on they make you.

And to work, it has to stand out.

And to stand out, I think it's pretty safe to say that there is a limit beyond which it's either humorous or sad. Of course, that limit is going to be different for different people.

As Mindfondler pointed out, his interest was piqued at first. Then it started to feel a little odd. Then, it was just uncomfortable. Because it just kept going and going without any feedback from him to indicate that he was with that program.