Looking For Feedback: My first story, "Dream Logic, Ch.01"

yukonnights said:

Just read your first chapter, and liked it. As for feedback; I didn't stumble over any major problems as far as style and readability. The premise was unique to me as I've never seen it done before...it was also very clever. The only minor nit-pick would be the very end; Great set-up and reveal, but I just felt it went over to fast and too smoothly once he was face to face with her. Had I been in either of the characters shoes, I would definitely been more shook-up over the whole impossibility of what's happening, etc.

(This is probably more than you asked for, but for example; At the end, the girl is so shook up she must leave her station and ask someone else to help the guy...in a daze he checks out the gym and buys the membership, all the while having a roller-coaster ride of thoughts, etc. This would have set up a wonderful cliff-hanger and lured readers back for more. Like I said, it's minor nit-pick, but now I already know what's coming next time, etc.)

Nice story, IMO

Click to expand...

MisterWildCard said:

Thank you! My intent behind the whole dream-sharing thing is that it lets them get past a lot of the early uncertainty in any relationship. They immediately know they have a mutual attraction and are sexually compatible, and so when they do meet for real, the ice has already been broken for them, so to speak.

I know that I have a tendency to make things a little too easy for my characters -- light on conflict, and I definitely went that route here, not that I necessarily intended that.

Chapter 2 is going to be more about them getting to know each other (and the audience getting to know about them) a little more, and is much lighter on the sexual content as a result. Chapter 3, by contrast, will likely be one massive sex scene from start to finish.

I don't plan to really explore how they came to share that dream. It just happened as a strange phenomenon that no one can explain, and they're taking advantage of it to make themselves and each other a little happier. This has always been intended to be a relatively short story, I'll likely dig a little deeper into things for the next project.

Thank you for the feedback, it's very helpful!

Click to expand...

yukonnights said:

That makes sense. So long as you have a purpose...which you do. I think it's a cute story - good luck on it.

PS: Just one more thought: Not about your story, but about the submission of a series. It's more or less a shared opinion around here that a story will get far better reception and views if you submit the entire series at one time. Evidently, there's been too many stories started but not finished, and a lot of readers don't want to risk that it's going to end mid-way through. If you dont know how to do that, there's a couple of how-to threads on it. (just a thought for next time)

Click to expand...

MisterWildCard said:

A sort of staggered release schedule? Yeah, I can see that. Good to know for the future.

Click to expand...