Feedback request for 'The Bull's Head'

'The Bull's Head' by KierHardy in Erotic Couplings
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-bulls-head

Chav girl gets pimped out by her boyfriend.
Includes: prostitution, oral, anal, some sort of non-consent and cuckolding

Hello everybody,

I'd like some feedback on my story. Currently it only has 54 votes and a rating of 3.85. That's fine, I didn't expect it to do particularly well. What's bothering me is that it has received no comments at all, good or bad.

I have identified seven main points which I think are probably off-putting for people. Some are integral to the story others are things I will be careful to watch out for in future.

1. I used three narrative modes, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person, switching between them often. I know using more than one is not advisable as it can get confusing. I did it to reflect the three characters and to keep the boyfriend/pimp involved even when he wasn't in the scene. I also understand that some people have a passionate hatred of the second person. I like it and use it frequently. Let's call it an artistic choice. (Yes, I'm a massive wanker.)

2. London slang my be a little hard for people not from here to understand. The story is set in London so I feel the dialect adds authenticity, even if it turns people off.

3. Lack of physical descriptions of the characters, especially the female. I chose to focus on her behaviour and attitude, rather than eye colour, hair colour and breast size etc. I thought the reader could imagine their favourite white trash girl, instead of me trying to paint a picture of one. This story is aimed well and truly at men, so I didn't feel it necessary to describe the male characters. It's all about the girl and what is happening in the narrator's mind.

4. Interruptions in the sex for the narrator's thoughts.

5. Clichéd descriptions of genitals and the sex acts.

6. The punctuation is a little off in places. Oops, sorry.

7. The reader may be left with several unanswered questions. E.g. Has the narrator been purged of his infatuation for Chloe, or has he fallen in love with her? How does she feel about him? Why did she suck him off before she left? How will the experience effect he and her relationship with Steve?

Please have a read and let me know if you notice anything else.

Thank you in advance!

KierHardy said:

1. I used three narrative modes, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person, switching between them often. I know using more than one is not advisable as it can get confusing. I did it to reflect the three characters and to keep the boyfriend/pimp involved even when he wasn't in the scene. I also understand that some people have a passionate hatred of the second person. I like it and use it frequently. Let's call it an artistic choice. (Yes, I'm a massive wanker.)

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Second-person can be offputting, especially when the "you" isn't coming out of the story well. That might have been an issue for some readers.

Other than that, I don't think the switching was a problem here. It's a bit difficult to categorise sometimes when you have a first-person narrator talking to a second-person audience about things the second-person audience did, but I didn't find it at all confusing. The whole thing is told from one person's perspective, even when he's describing what "you" and "she" did. Switching is more of a problem if the perspective shifts abruptly and the readers are left trying to figure out who's talking and where the story's jumped to.

Most of the other points you mention weren't big issues for me as a reader, and I'm also in the "go sparing on physical description and let readers imagine what they like" camp. One issue you haven't listed is category; I think this story might have done better in NC than EC, where readers are likely to be looking for something a bit happier and more consensual.

2. London slang my be a little hard for people not from here to understand. The story is set in London so I feel the dialect adds authenticity, even if it turns people off.

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The only bit where I had a problem with the slang was "an elaborate plan for you to rob me of a monkey" - I wasn't sure whether that was a typo for "money" or slang for 500 pounds.

My thoughts (even though I haven't read your story)

KierHardy said:

1. I used three narrative modes, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person, switching between them often. I know using more than one is not advisable as it can get confusing. I did it to reflect the three characters and to keep the boyfriend/pimp involved even when he wasn't in the scene. I also understand that some people have a passionate hatred of the second person. I like it and use it frequently. Let's call it an artistic choice. (Yes, I'm a massive wanker.)

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First of all, this is the first time I've heard of such an experiment. Author's tend to switch from 1st person to third person in a story and that's acceptable.

But 3 types of person usage in a story is more than a bit risky if it's not done properly. If your story confuses people, they will leave reading it altogether.

KierHardy said:

2. London slang my be a little hard for people not from here to understand. The story is set in London so I feel the dialect adds authenticity, even if it turns people off.

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Don't go overboard with that authenticity thing. Remember that not all people are brits here.

It's okay with a little tidbit here and there (like knickers and panties) but don't overdo it.

KierHardy said:

3. Lack of physical descriptions of the characters, especially the female. I chose to focus on her behaviour and attitude, rather than eye colour, hair colour and breast size etc. I thought the reader could imagine their favourite white trash girl, instead of me trying to paint a picture of one. This story is aimed well and truly at men, so I didn't feel it necessary to describe the male characters. It's all about the girl and what is happening in the narrator's mind.

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No one is asking you to give her bust measurements, but a little bit of description does help visualisation in written erotica.

That's a major axiom you've put up that male readers don't like to visualise the male character. I don't care about his facial features, but I'm interested about his character and personality.

KierHardy said:

4. Interruptions in the sex for the narrator's thoughts.

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I love the descriptions like: Her skin felt exquisitely soft beneath his fingers, like a smooth silky satin. He took a gentle....and so on.

I don't like explicit thoughts like

"her skin is so smoothe that I want to...."

Kinda unrealistic.

I can't comment on your other points as I haven't read your story, but I hope you have understood what I meant.

Thank You!

I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feed back. All good stuff and taken on board.

I don't know why I didn't post it under Non-consent. I did consider it, but decided against it for some reason. It probably would've been better off there.

And yes, a monkey is slang for £500. I did try to give the slang enough context for the reader to be able to infer the meaning. I'm glad I was mostly successful.

Thanks again!