Like others, hoping for comments about my first story

I haven't written anything in years, and never written anything erotic in the slightest, so I'm pretty nervous about having this one posted. (Well, and the second part that is pending approval now)

It's been moved to the BDSM category, however it's not hardcore BDSM.

Anyway, thank you for taking a look and I look forward to comments (pro or con)

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-pets-new-job

edit: Hadn't thought to put in a brief description. Essentially it's consensual D&S scene told in first person interspersed with background story.

I hadn't really planned on continuing the story, but after writing this one I couldn't stop from thinking about the next one. The third should finish it up.

Don't worry, it's a quick read.

(And honestly, I'm hoping she's not upset with me when she reads the thing. Angry pets are fierce too.) ;-)

Edit 2: As you can tell from comments below, the story is written partially in second person and has hard cuts between the "current" storyline and the "background" storyline in a sort of "Memento" fashion.

Tried to read it but I can't deal with the 2nd person. I know I'm not alone, so if you're after pointers for how to improve things for the next story, maybe consider a different point of view.

The Pet's New Job

- I'm just speculating, because in my opinion I have never written or read a successful 2nd person story, but I believe you should write so whatever the reader is imagining the story is objectively true. Eg. "You feel the temperature of the room change as you advance towards the door, and whether it is hot or cold you notice it's more intense the closer you are to the door." (which is true whether they imagine they walk, teleport or extrasensory perception the temperature difference towards the door).

So it is almost straight away that you hit an immersion-breaking landmine when you the "you" has an orgasm induced by a command. Wait what? Where is the eroticism leading up to the command? Where is the established obedience of the master who has such power over "you". And you keep hitting these immersion-breaking landmines because your story isn't entirely clear, coherent or true for my own experience reading your story.

- Is your introduction accidentally pasted from later in the story? When I get to "It had all started innocently enough" - from there onwards it feels like a real introduction to the story. As I continue reading I notice there are more schizophrenic jumps in story continuity. Why was this done?


- You are a capable writer but you are making really weird choices as the "Dungeon Master" of the story. Do you know D&D where you are the storyteller for a bunch of nerds on a fantasy quest? Maybe you could find better guidance for your story on a D&D forum or somewhere like that.

You guys are right in that I should have noted that it was partially in second person. I've seen in here how some people tend to really not like that style.

For me, I personally don't like walls of sexual text. So I was going for a long "present time" sex scene that was cut with story background vignettes to explain how we got to the current situation.

I wasn't honestly thinking about it at the time, but I was sort of going for a "Memento" feel.

The choice of second person was to give it more of a mental break from the progressing storyline in the vignettes, as well as... to be honest it was sort of written for a specific person, and lets just say that she likes to be directed. (Not a D&D person here, at least not for a couple of decades)


As far as the reality break, you're right... I didn't present that well. First off the reader is dropped into the scene partway into the action, and from the viewpoint you don't get the "behind the scenes" thinking of the "master character". Hadn't really thought about it, since my mind probably fills in the gaps. But it's simply that you can tell when she's about to hit that wall, and just time your questions and answers to that. ;-)

Regardless, thanks for taking a look. Sorry again about the second person thing.

OpusMagnum said:

I wasn't honestly thinking about it at the time, but I was sort of going for a "Memento" feel.

Click to expand...

Oh, so you were going: A Z B Y C X D W

Which scenes are B&W and which scenes are in colour? Oh, all of your scenes are all alike.

Thanks anyway for reminding me of Memento. I love its delicious dramatic irony of the opening & ending scenes changing meaning once you watch the movie. It's obvious what he was doing to himself once you watch Memento with normal chronological ordering (on youtube).

I think it was a brave exercise in moving back and forth between (legitimate and well-maintained) second person and third. I applaud you for making the effort to do something different and doing it quite well. Quite refreshing in technique.

myindeeds said:

Oh, so you were going: A Z B Y C X D W

Which scenes are B&W and which scenes are in colour? Oh, all of your scenes are all alike.

Click to expand...

Actually it was more:

Z.1-A-Z.2-B-Z.3-C-Z.4-D

If you want to list it that way.

(And I would have to think of the sex scenes in color, since they're "present day"... probably 6 or 7 months after the first interlude. If I remember correctly the B/W scenes in Memento were the precursor to the color reverse chronological scenes. But I digress.)

Sorry you didn't like it, though it's nice to see another Memento fan out there. An imminently underrated film. :-D

sr71plt said:

I think it was a brave exercise in moving back and forth between (legitimate and well-maintained) second person and third. I applaud you for making the effort to do something different and doing it quite well. Quite refreshing in technique.

Click to expand...

Thank you for the kind comments! I liked the style, but I'm sort of biased... however I'm glad you enjoyed it as well!

I'm sort of trapped in this style for parts two (well three, two is already approved and going online tomorrow) and three... but she's determined that I write "One Offs" after I finish up with this, so I'll probably try something else (though I have no idea what yet)

Well, I would have worked all of that out before posting any of it, so you lost me at that point.

Opus, it is more than a matter of liking or not liking a style. In the beginning you have already confused your reader by having two different "you"s. One is whomever the author is talking to. We assume at first that "you" is we the reader, but then another character in the story speaks to us, too. Now we have two different entities calling us "you" In short order we find out that the "you" in he story is the protagonist. Oh we say to ourselves, that is weird but I could get used to it. if I try I could maybe get comfortable with that. Then Wham, all of a sudden the protagonist is "she" .

I strongly suspect two things. One, the author, Opus is male. and two he originally wrote this to or with a particular female in mind.

The power of the dominant is not obvious enough, nor is the submission of the sub. Also, no one has any names or characteristics, they are mannequins with blank faces,like something from the twilight zone. If WEIRD was the effect you were looking for, you have succeeded well.

Some advice. Drop all the gimmicks and tell the story as simply and powerfully as you can. Then read it and write it again. Use names and descriptions. Use pronouns sparing and make sure your reader knows to whom or to what each pronoun refers. This vastly reduces confusion. There is lots more but i am trying not to discourage you. Keep writing, keep trying, keep asking for advice even from assholes like me who seem to have nothing nice to say.