I want to know your opinion

So, here's the context - I'm gay. Like really gay, never had any need to have sex with a man in my life. I do have some fetishes that can only be done with men, but besides sometimes fantasizing about that or watching porn related to the subject, I 've never actually wanted to do any of that with a man in real life. Also I'm young, 20.

Now, I'm going through some self-destructive phase and drinking/doing drugs wasn't enough to make me feel "bad" enough. Anyway, I've never gone through such a phase before in my life, I've always dealt with issues in "healthier" ways and considered myself to be at least moderately mentally strong.

But after a string of self-esteem shattering events I decided that fucking a man would be a good idea.
So I combined a few things I needed - a man to treat me badly and money. I went ahead and found an older, married man with three kids, and offered him sex for money. We agreed on the sum and the things that he was allowed to do, and last night we went to a hotel to do all of that.
I made sure he made me feel miserable during that, and I let him do things I usually only did with people I trust and have been in a relationship with for a while.

So, anyway, what do you guys/girls think about that? It's not like I can talk about this with my friends and family, so I can't really get their point of view - thought Lit's forum would be a good place to start.

EDIT: I'm female.

EmzC said:

So, here's the context - I'm gay. Like really gay, never had any need to have sex with a man in my life. I do have some fetishes that can only be done with men, but besides sometimes fantasizing about that or watching porn related to the subject, I 've never actually wanted to do any of that with a man in real life. Also I'm young, 20.

Now, I'm going through some self-destructive phase and drinking/doing drugs wasn't enough to make me feel "bad" enough. Anyway, I've never gone through such a phase before in my life, I've always dealt with issues in "healthier" ways and considered myself to be at least moderately mentally strong.

But after a string of self-esteem shattering events I decided that fucking a man would be a good idea.
So I combined a few things I needed - a man to treat me badly and money. I went ahead and found an older, married man with three kids, and offered him sex for money. We agreed on the sum and the things that he was allowed to do, and last night we went to a hotel to do all of that.
I made sure he made me feel miserable during that, and I let him do things I usually only did with people I trust and have been in a relationship with for a while.

So, anyway, what do you guys/girls think about that? It's not like I can talk about this with my friends and family, so I can't really get their point of view - thought Lit's forum would be a good place to start.

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you do what you feel you need to do or want to do to fulfill something. Nothing wrong with that at all

I can't really tell if you are male or female. Not that it matters but I'm just trying to get some perspective.

You are young. You've barely tasted life!

Drugs and alcohol are never the way to go. Nothing good can ever come from those things.

Being abused is not good either. Odd that you would feel the need for that but you also said that you are having self esteem issues.

Self esteem comes from you. From within. Sure you can make excuses and claim that someone else shattered that for you. I could easily do that myself because I didn't grow up in the most supportive family. But... I learned that I had to make my own way in the world. Don't depend on someone else to do that for you. Sure, it's a wonderful thing if people are there for you but... You need to find a way to depend on yourself.

Baby steps. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Any time you are questioning yourself or feeling down, look around you and find something positive. Even if it's only a roof over your head or food in the cupboard. You can always find something positive and you can always find someone who is worse off than you.

I can give you some tools that help me.

First is a meditation. I don't always do this daily but I do feel better if I can. It may take you a while longer to do the first few times but soon you'll have at least parts of it memorized and it will only take about 15 min. each time you do it. While it does make mention of components of various religions, you do not have to be religious to do it. I don't consider myself religious but spiritual. Here's a link to the page:

https://healingandlove.com/2013/04/14/how-do-i-meditate-part-1-of-2/

This next one will give you something to work on each day. I find it to be surprisingly accurate. I just did mine for today and here is what I am to do:

"You have received this message because you may feel confused about what action to take in some area of your life. Confusion is present because you are focusing on the next step and losing sight of the big picture. Before you take any action, give some attention to your life purpose. Sit quietly and reflect on this. Write down anything that comes to you. Continue to ask yourself, "What is my highest life purpose?" and let more answers come. Ask yourself what you would want from life if you believed anything were possible. Don't be discouraged if clear answers don't come instantly. They may come as feelings or images. They may not come until a later time. Know that these answers will come as you become ready for them. These answers will lead you to your next step."

This actually does ring true to some things in my life right now. Here's the link to that site:

http://www****nnwoodland.com/oracle.html

Just keep working on yourself.

I am 59 now. The person I am today is not the same person I was at 20. At 20 I had been out on my own for a year. I will say that I was no angel. But isn't that how we learn things? Experimenting and tasting the world. I sure did have a lot of hard knocks throughout my life but it does me no good to concentrate on those things. I choose to concentrate on all the good in my life. And right now, my life is full of abundance!

We all have bad days. You are having one now. I am skipping over all the bad days that you might have had in the past. For that *is* the past and you need to put it behind you. Forgive yourself for whatever wrongs you feel you did. Apologize to people if you feel the need to do that. Then concentrate on today. Make today a better day for you and those around you. The future is yet to come. But I think it will be bright for you!

Further context: I'm usually full of self-esteem, life of the party, whatever - all that stuff. I've just hit a low point that I feel like only going lower can fix.

I'd rather this thread be about discussing selling sexual favors for money instead of finding a way to fix my current condition, I'm afraid the moderators will just delete this thread from this section otherwise.

Thank you for your advice, however; the last thing I want is to sound ungrateful for the effort you've out in your reply. So as a show of appreciation I'll try to take a look at meditation, I've considered it before, instead of doing what people usually do and just over-think things when I go to sleep.

Also I'm doing my best to try and not sound like a mopey/emo almost-teen but I'm sure I'm failing at that.

To be honest, it’s a bit confusing trying to read what exactly you want opinions on. Some contradictions from how it sounds to me. Your second post here you say you want the focus to be about sex for money, but your first post comes off being a lot more about why you felt driven to do so (and how miserable you felt). I can’t help but read this all as a way to reach out for help, which it is clear that you could use.

I think Jada’s response was full of great stuff, and worth more than one read. I’ll skip adding any further suggestions, as I think that a counselor would be able to do a much better job of addressing whatever issues you may need help working through. Just don’t ever bee too shy, or too proud to reach out for help when you need it!

In terms of opinions on sex for money: I think you nailed it yourself. It made you feel miserable; you were looking for ways to be self destructive, and it worked. I would point out that you may want to consider just how wonderful and amazing sex can be in the right circumstances, and I would personally NEVER want to use something like that in a negative way. Just my personal opinion, and I am not saying I haven’t done some things sexually that were negative (I have, and I regret some of them). I just feel that there are other avenues I would use to deal with dark times (which I have had plenty!).

Best of luck to you!

I don't know what t is that you want an opinion on, but I will say this. In my opinion anyone who considers themselves totally gay, or totally straight, is missing out on a whole lot. Like someone once said on here, that is like going to a restaurant and only looking at one part of the menu. As an old white male bi-sexual, or possibly the new term pansexual, I am willing to try, and have tried, sex with anyone and everyone regardless of gender or sexual preference. I was married twice to women who have passed away and am now married to a wonderful younger black man. He actually considered himself gay until my daughter got a look at him and said, "hell no, I'm changing him to bi", and he is now bi or pan like me and she is pregnant with his baby. By the way, she is married to his younger sister.

This was.. seriously painful to read

Im not sure whats going on that got you to this point in your life, but i would say you should seek a therapist to help you. Drugs booze. selling sex for money and i assume being treated badly(not sure what went on and thats ok). Something is wrong whether its a recent stress that kicked this off or something that bubbled to the surface from way back. If you keep this up you could get yourself hurt severly and that would serve no good end of purpose at all. Getting arrested or having your self damaged seriously is not a good thing. Just sounds like you need someone to talk to to get to the root of this problem. I hope things get better for you soon dear.

EmzC said:

Further context: I'm usually full of self-esteem, life of the party, whatever - all that stuff. I've just hit a low point that I feel like only going lower can fix.

I'd rather this thread be about discussing selling sexual favors for money instead of finding a way to fix my current condition, I'm afraid the moderators will just delete this thread from this section otherwise.

Thank you for your advice, however; the last thing I want is to sound ungrateful for the effort you've out in your reply. So as a show of appreciation I'll try to take a look at meditation, I've considered it before, instead of doing what people usually do and just over-think things when I go to sleep.

Also I'm doing my best to try and not sound like a mopey/emo almost-teen but I'm sure I'm failing at that.

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Thanks!

If you're just talking sex for money, then I'd be the wrong person to ask. Technically it's illegal in most places. But other than that, I see nothing wrong with it if that's what you're into. Then again, you do mention drugs so that brings in a whole other set of variables.

I can remember when I was younger, thinking I should be a prostitute. Reason being... I love sex so why not get paid for it? But... At the time, I was working in a store in an area that had a lot of prostitutes.

All it took was for me to think of the types of men they serviced, *cringe* and what I saw on a daily basis. One example that stands out in my mind is the rabbit fur jackets that we sold. Were they real fur? Yes. Was it really rabbit? I don't know. They were short, baseball style jackets made of small pieces of mismatched fur, pieced together with faux leather trim. A prostitute's dream in those days.

At the time, I was working in the layaway office. A somewhat fresh faced young woman would come in and put the jacket on layaway. She would come in every few hours with another $20 or so throughout the day to put on her account. By the end of the day, it would be paid off. Each time I saw her, she would have a few more bruises, be a little more drunk/stoned/high/whatever. Then she would go tottering off in her cheap high heels and short skirt which by then might have a rip in it, wearing the jacket.

The next day, same girl would come back. This time she would look very worn out and dejected and usually not smelling so fresh. She would put another jacket on layaway because the one she bought yesterday had been ripped, stolen or lost.

Thinking of this made me sad. This was not something I wanted for myself.

But then there are other scenarios. My friend's brother was a very man about town drag queen who at one point ran one of the hottest clubs in Seattle. The club is still there. But he no longer owns it. So through the two of them, I met a variety of interesting people. Some of these guys worked as prostitutes or gigolos. They seemed happy and it all seemed good. Either that or they were putting on a very good show. They openly talked about what they did and they seemed happy. I dunno.

What bothers me in your case is that you don't seem happy. And bottom line for me is that I think people should be happy. Yes, life is full of ups and downs and we won't always be happy but... It just seems it just seems that you have set yourself up to not be happy and you seem to have a need to wallow in that. Sorry if that was blunt but that's how it's coming across to me.

JackOffer said:

I don't know what t is that you want an opinion on, but I will say this. In my opinion anyone who considers themselves totally gay, or totally straight, is missing out on a whole lot. Like someone once said on here, that is like going to a restaurant and only looking at one part of the menu. As an old white male bi-sexual, or possibly the new term pansexual, I am willing to try, and have tried, sex with anyone and everyone regardless of gender or sexual preference. I was married twice to women who have passed away and am now married to a wonderful younger black man. He actually considered himself gay until my daughter got a look at him and said, "hell no, I'm changing him to bi", and he is now bi or pan like me and she is pregnant with his baby. By the way, she is married to his younger sister.

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I likely wouldn't use the term "totally", myself but... I am straight. I have always been straight. I can remember pretty much popping out of the womb and liking men. I have just always preferred the company of men. I love everything about them. Put me in a room of people and I'll gravitate towards the men.

Am I a female misogynist? I wouldn't go that far. I do have female friends. I always have. I also think some females are very good looking. But do they turn me on? No. Do I ever think about having sex with them? No. Do I like watching porn with two women? No. Some guys here can tell you that. They've sent me links to videos they liked. One was actually very good in that it was instructional and informative but I had to get over the fact that it was two women having oral sex. There were men in the video later on but watching those two women having sex kind of killed my sex drive. I actually found it hard to watch. Now if it's two women doing something that in some level is sexual but not overtly so such as one woman whipping another, it doesn't kill my sex drive but it doesn't turn me on either.

Bottom line, I just seem to prefer men.

You made mention of a restaurant and only ordering from a part of the menu. I do that too! I won't even look at the seafood or steaks because I don't like those kinds of food. I haven't even tried most seafood but the thought of it and the smell of it is off putting to me. Not something I'd want to try. I did like steak when I was younger. I don't know. I do cook them for other people. I don't even eat a lot of meat. I would like to never eat meat of any kind but when I do that, I go anemic. So I have to eat some meat sometimes, like it or not.

This is just my opinion but I think we are all different. I prefer to celebrate our differences rather than thinking we are all alike. I do think there is just something about human nature that makes us want to think we are all alike though. There is something comforting in thinking that. Like we don't want to stand out from the crowd. That being said, I have also never been on to want to blend in with the crowd. I *do* like to stand out. But maybe that's just me.

Wow. I can't believe I just read this today.
I write stories on lit. This morning while showering I was creating a character with characteristics very similar to what you described in your first post. I started hashing out different directions the story could go, but I concluded that no one would ever believe it possible, so I dropped the idea. Too far-fetched for my readers.

Then this.

I don't have any advice for you, but I would love to talk to you sometime.

Take care.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but putting both your OP and your subsequent post together, It sounds to me as if self-degradation, or to put a finer point on it, putting yourself in a position where you will be degraded by another, is what you're wrestling with, or exploring here. And that prostitution, or at least role-playing as a prostitute, is a mode you have hit on to explore this.

I have some questions and some thoughts, but I'll say no more until I know if I'm on-track or way off-track.

I am still trying to wrap my head around what you are going through. Do you want to dominated or degraded?
Do you want to be a prostitute or a sugar baby?
Are you truly looking for whatever happens to be unenjoyable, or do you want someone to be in charge so you don’t have to “think” about it?
Not trying to beat you up or judge you, just not quite clear on where you are?

I know the feeling and been there. It was a release of some itch that I can't find words for.

sissy is not good at advice but you say you are a woman that is at a low spot in life and to really go lower you want to peg a man.
Why do you consider pegging a man a lower self-esteem?