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What should I do.

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CDarwin57

Virgin
Joined
Mar 23, 2015
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2
I am hoping more women give me feedback than men, because I think I know most of their answers to my question. Here is the situation. I met my wife April of 2012. We quickly fell for each other and seeing as to how she is a little reserved, made me wait a month before we had sex the first time. After that, we had sex regularly. Not necessarily every day, but when we did we would have it a couple of times that day. We fell deeply in love and only after 7 months together I asked her to marry me. She never gave me proposal sex, (idk if that is even a thing, I just assumed it would be.) And sex has slowed down ever since then. She reluctantly had sex with me on, not our wedding night, but the morning after. We did not have sex during our honeymoon. She said she had a staff infection from me going inside of her on our time the morning after our wedding. It is always difficult to have sex with her. She will say she is too cold, too hot, not horny, hungry, she has to pee (which turns me off bc then I have to smell urine when she opens her legs), not enough time, plus others that I just can't think of right now. When we do have sex, she strips (not erotically, just takes her clothes off like i'm not even there), climbs up on the bed and then lays there. Sometimes she tells me to do something to get her wet (after 3 years I finally found a vibrater that is doing the job.), sometimes she just tells me to climb on top of her. When I tell her I want foreplay, I have to start by getting her extremely horny which is impossible to do and I have only ever done a few times before. I can't kiss anywhere except her lips, because it tickles her too much. She doesn't do blowjobs or handjobs. She only kisses me on my lips. She only has sex in two positions, missionary and her laying on her stomach with her legs flat and straight. We have never done it in any other position. She has never had an orgasm with ANY guy inside of her, me included. The only time she can orgasm is in the shower with the head spraying on her pussy. I get to sit a suck on her boobs. That is the only time I can ever suck on her boobs and play with her nipples.
Now, here are the issues with just packing up and leaving. I am deeply and desperately in love with her. I am a christian and believe in having only one marriage, not that divorce is not an option, but just that it should be a thing for only if one of us is unfaithful or the edge of the earth last option. Other than sex, she has treated me better than any other person ever has. I have never had anybody treat me better than she does. She has a very mild case of Cerebral Paulsey. If the extreme cases are dead, the harsh cases are wheelchair bound and drooling, the bad cases are close to wheelchair bound and not intelligent, the mild cases being walking assisted and somewhat intelligent, my wife is very mild. She can walk, but has a limp on her right side. Has very limited use of her right arm/hand, but is extremely intelligent (4.0 in H.S. and 3.0 in College from K-State). She married me mostly because I treat her the way she always dreamed a man should in regards to her disability. Most of the time I ignore it. I help her anytime she asks for help with a task that she can't do bc of her disability (cutting her steak, tying her shoes, putting her hair up in a ponytail.) At times I push her through her CP because I know that she can do anything she puts her mind to (with her leg the way it is, she should have never been able to ride a bike, but her dad pushed her along and eventually she was able to).
I am a good guy, not just blowing my own horn, but what should I do? When do I focus on my needs, especially my sexual ones?
 
What should you do about what?

The sex? Leaving? Her not wanting to put your peni in her mouth? Her CP?



Your post seems ambiguous and more about complaining than it is about a specific question.


And it probably won't make your point(s) any clearer, but hitting the Return / Enter key a couple times would make that wall of text easier to read.
 
Emerson40 said:
What should you do about what?

The sex? Leaving? Her not wanting to put your peni in her mouth? Her CP?



Your post seems ambiguous and more about complaining than it is about a specific question.


And it probably won't make your point(s) any clearer, but hitting the Return / Enter key a couple times would make that wall of text easier to read.
Click to expand...
Thank you. That was a far, far kinder response than mine was going to be, but that he has a response at all means my fingers are no longer itching.
 
It may be, since she has cp, she may feel insecure about her body, you seeing it, you touching it. Masturbating with shower head, she doesn't need to feel sexy to another person. She knows you love her and despite her insecurity she wants to do her wifely duties to make you happy, knows you have desires for sex. You must build her confidence. Start with compliments about how pretty she is, later on compliment her breasts, every part of her. Make her feel sexy! Touches through out the day. Naughty touches, looks and kisses. Show her you desire HER body! Good luck! Of course if you just suck at sex, then this is more about you than her
 
Have either of you had any previous sexual experiences?

Do you read any erotica? Apart/together?What does she like?

What's your foreplay like?

How's your romantic side?

What kind of fantasies does she have?

Have you ever bought her lingerie or sexy clothes?
 
CDarwin57 said:
I am hoping more women give me feedback than men, because I think I know most of their answers to my question. Here is the situation. I met my wife April of 2012. We quickly fell for each other and seeing as to how she is a little reserved, made me wait a month before we had sex the first time. After that, we had sex regularly. Not necessarily every day, but when we did we would have it a couple of times that day. We fell deeply in love and only after 7 months together I asked her to marry me. She never gave me proposal sex, (idk if that is even a thing, I just assumed it would be.) And sex has slowed down ever since then.
Click to expand...

Has any other aspect of your lives changed? Could there be other reasons? Maybe depression or some other medical condition other than CP that has come up?

CDarwin57 said:
She reluctantly had sex with me on, not our wedding night, but the morning after. We did not have sex during our honeymoon. She said she had a staff infection from me going inside of her on our time the morning after our wedding. It is always difficult to have sex with her. She will say she is too cold, too hot, not horny, hungry, she has to pee (which turns me off bc then I have to smell urine when she opens her legs), not enough time, plus others that I just can't think of right now. When we do have sex, she strips (not erotically, just takes her clothes off like i'm not even there), climbs up on the bed and then lays there.
Click to expand...

So, again... anything else change other than the sex?

I really hope you're not telling her the bold stuff to her face like that. If you're talking to her about sex like that, I could see why she wouldn't want to do it with you all that often.


CDarwin57 said:
Sometimes she tells me to do something to get her wet (after 3 years I finally found a vibrater that is doing the job.), sometimes she just tells me to climb on top of her. When I tell her I want foreplay, I have to start by getting her extremely horny which is impossible to do and I have only ever done a few times before. I can't kiss anywhere except her lips, because it tickles her too much. She doesn't do blowjobs or handjobs. She only kisses me on my lips. She only has sex in two positions, missionary and her laying on her stomach with her legs flat and straight. We have never done it in any other position.
Click to expand...

Have you asked her to guide you to help her have a better time? If what you're doing doesn't feel good, ask her to help you do the things that DO feel good.

Does she only do the two positions because they are most comfortable for her? If so, other positions may cause discomfort or pain which would make for a really unpleasant experience. More unpleasant experiences would turn me off to sex all together.

What positions are you hoping for?

CDarwin57 said:
She has never had an orgasm with ANY guy inside of her, me included.
Click to expand...

Uh... yeah. Most women can't have orgasms through penetration alone. Many need other stimulation to achieve orgasm.


CDarwin57 said:
The only time she can orgasm is in the shower with the head spraying on her pussy. I get to sit a suck on her boobs. That is the only time I can ever suck on her boobs and play with her nipples.
Click to expand...

Perhaps the shower head feels better than what you've been trying to do? Also, she already knows the spots to hit and is probably going to orgasm a little easier if she takes control than with you. Having added pressure to "perform" for someone can often make it near impossible to orgasm for some people.


CDarwin57 said:
Now, here are the issues with just packing up and leaving. I am deeply and desperately in love with her. I am a christian and believe in having only one marriage, not that divorce is not an option, but just that it should be a thing for only if one of us is unfaithful or the edge of the earth last option. Other than sex, she has treated me better than any other person ever has. I have never had anybody treat me better than she does. She has a very mild case of Cerebral Paulsey. If the extreme cases are dead, the harsh cases are wheelchair bound and drooling, the bad cases are close to wheelchair bound and not intelligent, the mild cases being walking assisted and somewhat intelligent, my wife is very mild.
Click to expand...

Have you tried therapy? Or just having a honest conversation about this with her? Sit down and have a non accusatory talk with her and see if there's some kind of compromise you can both be comfortable with.

CDarwin57 said:
She can walk, but has a limp on her right side. Has very limited use of her right arm/hand, but is extremely intelligent (4.0 in H.S. and 3.0 in College from K-State). She married me mostly because I treat her the way she always dreamed a man should in regards to her disability. Most of the time I ignore it. I help her anytime she asks for help with a task that she can't do bc of her disability (cutting her steak, tying her shoes, putting her hair up in a ponytail.) At times I push her through her CP because I know that she can do anything she puts her mind to (with her leg the way it is, she should have never been able to ride a bike, but her dad pushed her along and eventually she was able to).
I am a good guy, not just blowing my own horn, but what should I do? When do I focus on my needs, especially my sexual ones?
Click to expand...

The bold part may be why she only does certain positions in the bedroom. Just a thought.

I think you should have a talk with her and tell her how you feel and what you need. It's fine to focus on your needs, but I think you may have to make compromises. There are just somethings that may not be able to happen no matter how much you wish it. Also, a visit to the doctor to rule out underlying medical conditions is a good idea.

As others have suggested, it could be that she doesn't see herself as a sexual being. Communication is so important. I found this little study and it had some great information in it. I thought the perspectives offered great insight and could inspire more open communication.

From the link:

Leah’s experience of directing her partner through communication allowed the two of them to be flexible and
open about what did and did not work for them as intimate partners. As such, participants indicated that
communicating with sexual partners about disability and sexuality was a multidimensional process which
involved honesty, openness and a receptive partner. In this way, communication fostered an atmosphere for satisfactory sexual encounters and intimacy.
www.redfame.com/ijsss International Journal of Social Science Studies Vol . 1, No. 1; 2013
Click to expand...
 
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CDarwin57 said:
I am hoping more women give me feedback than men, because I think I know most of their answers to my question. Here is the situation. I met my wife April of 2012. We quickly fell for each other and seeing as to how she is a little reserved, made me wait a month before we had sex the first time. After that, we had sex regularly. Not necessarily every day, but when we did we would have it a couple of times that day. We fell deeply in love and only after 7 months together I asked her to marry me. She never gave me proposal sex, (idk if that is even a thing, I just assumed it would be.) And sex has slowed down ever since then. She reluctantly had sex with me on, not our wedding night, but the morning after. We did not have sex during our honeymoon. She said she had a staff infection from me going inside of her on our time the morning after our wedding. It is always difficult to have sex with her. She will say she is too cold, too hot, not horny, hungry, she has to pee (which turns me off bc then I have to smell urine when she opens her legs), not enough time, plus others that I just can't think of right now. When we do have sex, she strips (not erotically, just takes her clothes off like i'm not even there), climbs up on the bed and then lays there. Sometimes she tells me to do something to get her wet (after 3 years I finally found a vibrater that is doing the job.), sometimes she just tells me to climb on top of her. When I tell her I want foreplay, I have to start by getting her extremely horny which is impossible to do and I have only ever done a few times before. I can't kiss anywhere except her lips, because it tickles her too much. She doesn't do blowjobs or handjobs. She only kisses me on my lips. She only has sex in two positions, missionary and her laying on her stomach with her legs flat and straight. We have never done it in any other position. She has never had an orgasm with ANY guy inside of her, me included. The only time she can orgasm is in the shower with the head spraying on her pussy. I get to sit a suck on her boobs. That is the only time I can ever suck on her boobs and play with her nipples.
Now, here are the issues with just packing up and leaving. I am deeply and desperately in love with her. I am a christian and believe in having only one marriage, not that divorce is not an option, but just that it should be a thing for only if one of us is unfaithful or the edge of the earth last option. Other than sex, she has treated me better than any other person ever has. I have never had anybody treat me better than she does. She has a very mild case of Cerebral Paulsey. If the extreme cases are dead, the harsh cases are wheelchair bound and drooling, the bad cases are close to wheelchair bound and not intelligent, the mild cases being walking assisted and somewhat intelligent, my wife is very mild. She can walk, but has a limp on her right side. Has very limited use of her right arm/hand, but is extremely intelligent (4.0 in H.S. and 3.0 in College from K-State). She married me mostly because I treat her the way she always dreamed a man should in regards to her disability. Most of the time I ignore it. I help her anytime she asks for help with a task that she can't do bc of her disability (cutting her steak, tying her shoes, putting her hair up in a ponytail.) At times I push her through her CP because I know that she can do anything she puts her mind to (with her leg the way it is, she should have never been able to ride a bike, but her dad pushed her along and eventually she was able to).
I am a good guy, not just blowing my own horn, but what should I do? When do I focus on my needs, especially my sexual ones?
Click to expand...

Waiting a month before having sex is not being a prude or being reserved. It's waiting until a person feels comfortable with the other until getting intimate with each other. It may happen after an hour, it may happen after a week or it may even take up to a year.

Many women cannot orgasm through penetration alone, so your lady-wife is quite normal.

Have you communicated with her? Asked HER what she desires in bed? Perhaps even spoken with a therapist who has background in CP? After all, if she has limited use of her right side, then I can only imagine that it will limit bedroom acrobatics?

Try having an open, honest and compassionate discussion with your wife and figuring out what works for the both of you. Do not say that you want this or that, but rather you would like to explore the range of intimate possibilities. What I see here is a lack of communication (and that also means listening and accepting what she has to say without any judgement).
 
MeekMe said:
Uh... yeah. Most women can't have orgasms through penetration alone. Many need other stimulation to achieve orgasm.
Click to expand...

This. In particular: do not fall into the trap of "if she doesn't come from penetration that's a slight on my manhood". Aim for something that leaves both of you feeling satisfied, regardless of which bit happens to be where.

Have you tried therapy? Or just having a honest conversation about this with her? Sit down and have a non accusatory talk with her and see if there's some kind of compromise you can both be comfortable with.
Click to expand...

This is good advice, and you're almost certainly going to need these skills for non-sexual parts of your relationship too. For the first couple of years in a relationship you can often get by with that shiny stuff that's sometimes called "New Relationship Energy"; after that, it takes a bit more maintenance to keep things working smoothly.
 
I'd like to comment, but a wall of text is just too much for these tired old eyes of mine. Would be nice if the OP knew about paragraphs and such. :(
 
Tough situation. It sounds to me like you got what you paid for. There were some clues as to what married life was going to be like but apparently you decided other things were more important and now you are feeling buyer's remorse. Since you apparently have deep seeded religious views on the subject it might wind up being that you just have to play the cards that are dealt you as best as you can. There are many things that are more important than sex, unfortunately, it's nice to be greedy and want it all. Like any marriage, this is best dealt with by honest communication. Whether it gets you anywhere or not is another thing. Good luck.
 
I get so tired of the cliche that if you build a woman up and make her feel good about herself then she will just magically turn into the sex machine that you want. While that may be the best advice if the recipient has never tried it, this rarely works long term. People are who they are and marriage or long term relationships are supposed to be a two way street. Why is it always the guy's responsibility to do all the work in a relationship? Why can't the wife worship her husband? Why can't the wife let her husband know how beautiful, desirable and incredible he is? Why can't the wife learn her husband's love language? If the relationship is not a two way street then it is a one way street and while this can work for short periods, most of the time a one way street remains a one way street.

There are many threads and posts in this forum where it always seems to be suggested or implied that it is the guy's fault for not being attentive or understanding enough to his wife and that's why she is the way she is. We humans have a lot of stereotypes in our minds such as the wife does the cooking and the husband mows the lawn and it is the guy who has to make his wife feel good about herself if he wants good sex but the wife doesn't have any responsibility at all to make her husband feel the same. I've gone down this road many times with my wife but we always revert back to the same ole same ole and I feel like I have to do all the work and it is never reciprocated. After a while it just gets tiring.

In this particular thread his wife's disability certainly comes in to play.
 
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subwannabe said:
There are many threads and posts in this forum where it always seems to be suggested or implied that it is the guy's fault for not being attentive or understanding enough to his wife and that's why she is the way she is.
Click to expand...

I think that it's important to keep in mind that we can't change our spouse. The only person that we have any control over is ourselves. We tend to learn from our successes and our failures. It makes sense to look at why we click so well in the early stages of our relationships. We were paying attention to each other, complimenting each other, being attentive to each other's needs, and building each other up. Replies suggesting ways in which we can change our own behavior to mimic those early steps in our love relationship to help improve the situation are reasonable.

Perhaps more importantly they are actionable. We can't change our spouse, but these are steps that we can take to break the impasse. Of course our spouse owns the problem as much as we do. In an ideal world we'd be able to say "Hey, this isn't working for me hun, could we make a change?", our spouse would say "Of course, anything for you my love.", and we'd never have to revisit the subject. But we're all creatures of habit. As you've pointed out, asking a spouse to pull their own weight in the marriage is reasonable and sometimes brings about improvement, but it takes constant vigilance to make it stick lest we all fall back into our routines and habits.

If the alternative to taking no action at all is to have a marriage that sucks the life out of me, then I for one am willing to try to change the things that I have control over in order to improve my marriage. I also need to communicate my needs to my wife. If seeing me making an effort inspires my wife to look at her own contributions to our marriage, then we have a chance of moving forwards.

There's no guarantee that anything will work, and there is a big assumption that our spouse cares about our happiness and the health of our marriage. If she doesn't then I really only have two options. Live with it, or leave. If we choose not to leave, then we're back to looking at the one thing that we can change in the marriage to even have any hope of improving it; ourselves.

That's my philosophy, anyway.
 
Jesus H. Christ! Dump the bitch.

All the desperately in love crap is delusion. Demand from women what you expect from your car or vacuum cleaner or refrigerator. If they don't wanna put out find one who will.
 
Vacuum cleaners not only suck but they swallow too (if you get the right type)! Unfortunately, cars and refrigerators can't do that but a car can take you to dinner and a refrigerator can feed you. You used to be able to go to the movies with your car but that's getting harder and harder. Make sure the vacuum cleaner has a good warranty.
 
pplwatching said:
I think that it's important to keep in mind that we can't change our spouse. The only person that we have any control over is ourselves. We tend to learn from our successes and our failures. It makes sense to look at why we click so well in the early stages of our relationships. We were paying attention to each other, complimenting each other, being attentive to each other's needs, and building each other up. Replies suggesting ways in which we can change our own behavior to mimic those early steps in our love relationship to help improve the situation are reasonable.

Perhaps more importantly they are actionable. We can't change our spouse, but these are steps that we can take to break the impasse. Of course our spouse owns the problem as much as we do. In an ideal world we'd be able to say "Hey, this isn't working for me hun, could we make a change?", our spouse would say "Of course, anything for you my love.", and we'd never have to revisit the subject. But we're all creatures of habit. As you've pointed out, asking a spouse to pull their own weight in the marriage is reasonable and sometimes brings about improvement, but it takes constant vigilance to make it stick lest we all fall back into our routines and habits.

If the alternative to taking no action at all is to have a marriage that sucks the life out of me, then I for one am willing to try to change the things that I have control over in order to improve my marriage. I also need to communicate my needs to my wife. If seeing me making an effort inspires my wife to look at her own contributions to our marriage, then we have a chance of moving forwards.

There's no guarantee that anything will work, and there is a big assumption that our spouse cares about our happiness and the health of our marriage. If she doesn't then I really only have two options. Live with it, or leave. If we choose not to leave, then we're back to looking at the one thing that we can change in the marriage to even have any hope of improving it; ourselves.

That's my philosophy, anyway.
Click to expand...


I think that is all true but there is nothing wrong with saying "Hey I am working at this, are you?"

Are we living in a world of equality or not? In any other aspect of a relationship it isn't sufficient to say I just don't feel like holding up my end of the deal. Yet somehow it is ok for a woman when it comes to sex. And yes sex in a marriage is part of the deal. It isn't realistic to expect it to be the same as during the courtship phase. But near as I can tell from the OP they were having more sex at that time. Has something changed since then or has she just decided to stop making the effort? That is a legitimate question. He should also ask himself if he has changed his behaviour in a way that discourages her. But don't dismiss the possibility that she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. And be wary of the point of view that she gets to be as fickle as she likes and it is all on the man to adapt - you'll spend the rest of your life chasing a high maintenance chick who eventually loses respect for you because of your willingness to do so.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for wooing your partner in whatever way appeals to them and it is ok for the partner to let you know what that is. But it isn't ok for either partner to just lay back and say "I don't feel like it, why don't you try to convince me." How about next time he doesn't feel like mowing the lawn he just says "I don't feel like it but maybe I will if you suck my dick." If someone did that would we advise her to just keep offering up sexual variations until he deigns to mow the lawn?
 
All good thoughts and perspective.

And I do understand that men often stop being romantic or let themselves go or have unrealistic expectations such that their wife's interest wanes. After all both parties tend to dial down their behaviour after marriage.

However, it seems as though we too often hear about only the need for the man to do more to woo his wife which implicitly starts from the presumption that he is not doing enough. I think most relationships are somewhat out of balance in so far as one party is somewhat more giving than the other, which isn't necessarily a problem if the balance works right for them. But as outsiders we often make superficial and very wrong assumptions about what is really going. And appearances can be very deceiving.

So maybe the man does need to do a better job of wooing her......or maybe he is already doing such a great job that she takes him for granted.

Suggesting they work on it, understand and communicate is good advice. Maybe she does need her ass kissed, but then she may needs it kicked (metaphorically only of course). To start from either assumption is trite advice based upon baseless assumptions and idiotic stereotypes.

To any man I would say do your part but do not internalize the stupid ass notion that it is all on the man to re-earn every single fuck for the rest of your life.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
Jesus H. Christ! Dump the bitch.

All the desperately in love crap is delusion. Demand from women what you expect from your car or vacuum cleaner or refrigerator. If they don't wanna put out find one who will.
Click to expand...

I hate to admit it but this guy is right. Get what you give yannno. We are not as different from you as we used to be. Demand to be treated like you want to be and especially like you are giving or find someone that does for you what you do for her. May sound harsh but we tend to make things a helluva lot more complicated than it needs to be. Take care of you cause no one else outside of family is gonna give a shit and unless you believe some of the stupid shit on some of the fetish threads, family won't fuck you.
 
beingtrue2me said:
I hate to admit it but this guy is right. Get what you give yannno. We are not as different from you as we used to be. Demand to be treated like you want to be and especially like you are giving or find someone that does for you what you do for her. May sound harsh but we tend to make things a helluva lot more complicated than it needs to be. Take care of you cause no one else outside of family is gonna give a shit and unless you believe some of the stupid shit on some of the fetish threads, family won't fuck you.
Click to expand...
:rose:
 
Sounds like she has been trying to tell you that you are a dud fuck for a long time. Why is it all her fault?

...and as for the vibrator resentment? Oh never mind...

Seems you have a massive communication issues and I am thinking they go way beyond the bedroom.

What do you want from your post? "You poor unfortunate man, she is so mean to you... and she is even doing this to a Christian, how dare she!". Your "I put my dick in her and she won't even cum! How bloody unchristian of her is that?!" is not really working is it?

If you were to follow Uncle Jimblywobblysaggybits advice of "Jesus H. Christ! Dump the bitch.", are you really sure you won't just fail again?

Most things can be resolved through communication. Your verbal and physical approaches are failing. Whose fault is that?

___________________________
edit: When you next have a chance to talk - listen first.
 
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